At the roof top of the hospital, pondering my next treatment options ?
It's been a while since I last wrote in my web log. I went to Guangzhou China on December 8 2009 and came back on January 4th 2010. I was at Guangzhou's Fuda Cancer Hospital to receive some very “innovative” treatment to counter my pancreatic cancer. Unfortunately, in China, access to my web log and Facebook was blocked by the Chinese authorities. Over the next
few days, if I am not too tired, I will share about my treatment experiences in my web log.
Over the previous one month or so, for the first time, I missed my son's birthday, Christmas, and New Year Eve celebration. Instead, I spend all these important occasions in a hospital room with my wife in a hospital in China. I hope, next year this time, I will still be around, and not to miss celebrating these important occasions with my family members.
I remembered, few days before Christmas, A second procedure of cryosurgery was conducted on me, because, a week before, the first cryosurgery was not successful in freezing the whole lump of tumors ( measuring around 5CM x 6CM x 8CM). As a result, a second cryosurgery was carried out together with the planting of Iodine seeds to induce internal radiation to knock off the cancer cells. After the procedures, I was warded into the intensive care unit for overnight observation. Strange thing happened to me, although throughout the night I was in pain resulting in 3 jabs of pain killers every 4 hours or so to eliminate the arising pain. But it was not the pain that cause me to have a near emotional breakdown. Tears just flow freely, for a moment that seem like an eternity, I just felt so lonely, so helpless, and so weaken. Flashbacks of memories over the previous 15 months reminded me how fragile life is, and so much pains I had endured. And I simply just can not bear it anymore, I just do not want to
go throuhg all this life's encumbrances all over again ! For a moment, I just want to give up and move on to the so call promised land of the Almighty. But, there are so many things I had yet to accomplish. I still want to have the opportunity to see my princess, Jacy, and my son, Ivan, find their soul mates and start a family of their own, and hopefully, the Almighty grant me with the opportunity to hold their children on my laps. I also want to be able to age gracefully with my wife to enjoy growing old together. Everything seemed so near, yet so far !
But no matter what, I pray to the Almighty to grant me the strengths to endure and overcome all these pains, discomforts, and challenges to move on with life.
There is an old Chinese proverb that says “路遥知马力，日久见人心", translated, it means, “ you will only knows the endurances of your horse over a long journey, and likewise, you will know the loving kindness of a person over a long period of time”. Over the course of the
previous one and a half year or so, looking back, I believed, I had been enlightened with the wisdom to appreciate all the good and kind people around me. Friends and family members who rallied around me to give me the moral and material support during my encounters with these challenging periods. Of course, that goes without saying that, there are also some random and isolated few souls who betrayed and abused me during my times of difficulties. Not wanting to sound philosophical, but I do sincerely and honestly wanting to thank all these deceiveful people, because, without them, I would never realize and appreciate the loving kindness of so many people around me, who genuinely cares and concern about my well being.
With regards to my wife, she had traversed this journey of life together with me for more than a quarter of a century, from the icy winter land of Canada to the lush green tropics of my beloved Malaysia. With her, I had seen to the best of times, and I had also seen to the worst of times. Good times or bad times, she is aways by my side, supporting and assisting every step I take. I had in her, a good wife and a good soul mate. She also helped me to nurture my son into a responsible and well behaved young man. Along the way, she also “adopted” two goddaughters for me. These two princesses are Almighty's another greatest gift to me, and together with my son, my two princesses, they are my bundle of prides and joys. What else can a man asked but be graceful for what he has been given ? I am indeed blessed with a beautiful family !
( My family - Photo taken during August 2009)
I knows, as much I want to be optimistic about the outcome of treatments, I must also accept the reality of failures. Therefore, to improve my odds against the dreaded probability, I MUST BE STRONG mentally, and progressively works toward the re-establishment of my physical health. I promised my wife, I will age gracefully and grow old together with her. I hope the Almighty grants me that strength and dignity to fulfill this promise.
For better or for worst, come what may, I am destined to this blessed journey of life..........