Taiping Coffee

My business journey (1) . ..... Sail on. ( Prepare By Irene 0n 03/01/ 12).

2012-01-04T22:05:00.004+08:00

Last nite, I could not sleep coz having to many things in my mind. I woke up and look at the time, it was 3am. Am I been bother with heavy commitment? financial children.....   come to think of it- none of the above.
God has taken the best from me when Ck passed on. I was going through some difficult time to accept and trying to adjust to my new life. Come to think of it. God has also given me a lot . Ivan, Jacy and Dawn - all of them are very sang sun - stand by me, understanding and give me their support when I needed it. They are well behaved and have not given me much problem. They are responsible in taking care of their finances and what not. At least one less problem for me so that I can concentrate in my business.
Business is a very interesing word and it means "Change" . I was told by one of my sisters that in business, we will be bound to face with lots of buayas, politician, chak hai che, parasites, suckers., ........ Wow so so scarry isn't i?. But, I guess in the olden days, business were made just by word of mouth, Nga Chi Tong Kam Sai and just black and white. People honour their word. Things get executed and moveon. Sad to said that all these practises are no longer exist in the present business environment. People are so blinded by money and power. You can read in the newspaper that so and so get sue or sue others. As a result, there are a lot of court cases between father and son, husband and wife and so on. Money is so important to them ? Can money buy love? Can they buy respect, patience, intelligent, health and so on. Yes and No. But one thing for sure, money is important to fulfill our basic needs and in case of emergency. My 2012 's resolution, I have make a commitment to give to the needy.   But, the real purpose or use of money are being misguided or mislead.
We ask ourself Why we want so much money? To lead a luxury lifestyle or spend on a lavish meal, wear branded clothing..... or what not. It is all depends on individual. It could be right or wrong. To my opinion, more so to know the priority. Money can be a double edge sword.
Lately, I come across a client's who is involve into a lot of business . Due to old age and health condition, he leave the running of the businesses to all his children. Some of the businesses making money during the challenging period. Some not making money and running into big losses. He pull me to his room and ask me to have a cup of tea. During the conversation, he share with me his business journey- how he started from the scratch to be where he is now. Wow! Looked at him - his business empire is really big . He expanded his business to other country and owned a few public listed company. He is quite somebody with a success story. But he looked disturbed and worry. From his appearance and positive outlook in life, he still look young and healthy for his age. I guess I wish him long life for all his good deeds.
How I came into the picture. It started when I was handling some of his business and slowly we became friend. He told me that he saw something in me. I just puzzled.   I knew from his expression, he really wants me to help him. After walking out from his room, I gave it a serious thought and decided to take on the challenge. I discuss wth him - to find out what I am suppose to do. At the back of my mind, I just tell myself "chot chong yap si fatt" asking for trouble. I guess not the time for me to retire. Still a lot things that I have not done such as my wish to do charity.
Back to business and action, I have to devote my time knowing the whole culture, how the operation, how the structure of his business. Slowly find out what each staff's responsibility from top to bottom. I tell myself how come I land myself into such big hole. I guess it is too late to ask such question rite?   To me, business is learning process - so many things to see, people to meet, to be able to read between the lines, politics, to learn from others ... I would say let's enjoy the " Show" and the show has just started.
To be continued. ..

To live a fearful life or find ways to overcome it for a better and happier life - the choice is yours. ( By Irene on 28/12/11)

2011-12-28T21:49:00.001+08:00

Life isa like stage. Everyone wore a mask playing different role. At times,I am so tire of wearing the mask that I ask myself - what I want inmy life? Am I living it for myself or am I living it for others. Do Ihave a choice. Definitely, I have all the rights.

Living these life, I wouldsaid that I always faced with lots of negatives.Thus, it givesme a lot of stress that I have to cope. Most of the time, I am veryfearful and worry with the uncertainties. I wish I can have the magic wand to make it just disappear. But, no matter what, I have toface it all alone. Do not know how ! But, I guess I would have to doit better with an open and clear mind. Take a deep breath... and keepreminding myself - you can do it, you can do it without much hassle.Why worry and be fearful?

When I was in my mid 20's, I started my family - myself,Ck ( my late husband) and my son, Ivan. When CK got his first job, healways tell me that he is fearful of loosing his job. Thus, wealways try our utmost best to do our job well just to make our endsmeet. With our prudence in money management and hard work over theyears, we managed to have the little success and comfortablelifestyle. Living in KL 's city can indirectly gives us a lot ofunnecessary stress and pressure. Lot of things could goout of hands if we did not manage it well. In reality, sometime it isnot how hard you work that guarantee success in life. We need to havea bit of lady luck or whatever you call it that make thingseasier. At times, I always challenge myself to push harder. Tellmyself what I want to be in 10 years, 20 years or 30 or 40 years....from now. These has indirectly created uncalled for “ fear” inmyself. I fear of not able to have the achievement, not able toplease others, not able to stand out, not able to have lots of money,not able to look get into my boss's , my parent's or parent in law orsister in law's good book, not able to have the confidence to dowhatever things, fear of dying, getting old and not healthy ......and the list just go on. I tell myself. What am I living for? To livewith so much fear until I can't sleep at nite. Sometime, myeyes just star at the ceiling. Why I have so much fear...

A few days ago, I went to the Home for the Handicap,retarded and overgrown kids with my sister and friends. I enjoyed andcherished the time spend there. Holding their hands, laugh , dance,eat, sing together with them. The word fear has never come into mymind. It was just so wonderful and such a memorable Christmasthat I had ever spend. Live with no fear. I guess this will be theluxury feeling from within. Something that you have to experience it.

From the trip, I learned to give more love and share itwith the needy. Lead a simple and meaningful life without all the “fear” Start charity by contributing $$ ( if youcan afford) and if not your spare time and effort would mean so muchto them. Check it out at Home of the handicap in Klang ( Mr.Morgan 012 3915893) or No. 4 Lrg Bunga Raya Kg. Raja Uda 42000 PortKlang Selangor. or www.ppkkck.org.

Live without “fear”- I came across these in a Buddhism's book . Practice it - To leadyou to the path of a peaceful and happy life.

FLASHBACK and Resolution for 2012. (By Irene on 21/ 12/ 2011)

2011-12-22T22:05:00.001+08:00

Time flies and it is just round the corner of 2011. Looking back, 2011 has been a good year for me. I managed to go through the difficult period mourning of CK for another year. But I was lucky to receive care , love and support from everyone. Loosing him and letting go is really a challenging period for me to walk through . When CK was around, we wow to grow old gracefully . I remembered the time that we held hands, walked in the park, enjoyed listening to the bird singing in the garden, having his cup of coffee kau kau after his nasi lemak for breakfast. We had so much to talk - from business, politics, family matters, his philosophy of life, his computer knowledge, his jokes and so on. In short, he is also my mentor apart from my dad. At times, I was snapped. I always reminded myself that whatever it is I have to accept that C. K. is no longer living in this world. He has left us for more than a year. All I can ask is to cherish the good memories that we both had for each other. Christmas is coming soon and it is also Ivan 's birthday. CK used to tell me that we must buy some gift for Ivan. The last Christmas, we did not celebrate Ivan's birthday due to ck's health. I told Ck that your love for him all these years is the greatest gift that he would ever ask for. Last nite, I asked Ivan to go to his dad's grave with me this coming Christmas. He just keep silence for a while. From his expression, I knew that deep down, Ivan still love his dad very very .....much. Sometime, I guess only people who knew how to give love would understand me better. If you don't , just don't bother.
For 2012 - My 1st resolution - To live a happy life and spend as much time with family members, relatives and friends. The unconditional love and support from my dad, mum, brothers, sister in laws, sisters, brothers in laws, nieces , nephews, friends and relatives after all these years and days has given me the strength to move on.
Resolution 2 for 2012. To seek God's help to grant me the opportunity to help the needy, poor, to spend time with them i(f possible) . Vivian, I wish and pray for miracle for Nathan. I have the above wish list for last year but still yet to achieve. I guess sometime it might not be just only the $$$$$ . Having the time and moral support would be something good to start with. God , let me be your children to fulfill the obligation.
Last but not least, a good start for 2012. I am here to wish everyone :
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY 2012 .
GOOD health, Harmony, love the earth for the next generation to live in a better world .
Peace Love and Happy 2012.
Aha aha aha aha..... have a peaceful feeling from within.

Track Record o f Gunung Lang Dev S/B- Developer of Lang Valley ( By Irene and edited by Tai Soh on 30/11/11)

2011-12-19T16:55:00.029+08:00

Gunung Lang Development S/B ( GLDSB) was incorporated in July 2002.

The shareholders are Aun Huat & Bros S/B, Poh Chee Meng and Sons Holding S/B and Noble Bond S/B .

Mr. Poh Chee Meng and his business partner, the late Mr. Teh Siew Hooi ventured into the property industry during the 1970's. Together with Pak Yap Lim Sen, they founded Ipoh Garden Bhd with the objective of building affordable homes for Ipohites.
They started on a moderate scale building terrace houses which sold like hotcakes. When the economy took an upward trend in 1970 's due to the booming tin-mining industry, people could afford to buy better homes. The company bought more land to cater to the demand for better-designed houses in a well-planned township.

As part of the company's expansion plan, they invited two brothers namely, Datuk Tan Chin Nam and the late Dato Tan Kim Yeow to join them as directors and partners in Ipoh Garden Bhd. At that time, both brothers were involved in property development in K. L. and Penang. Under the new partnership, they bought more land and started with the township development of Ipoh Garden.

Pak Yap Lim Sen was the managing director of Ipoh Garden Berhad. He lead the team in property development not only in Ipoh but also K. L. and even spread its wings to Australia. Pak Yap is also the brainchild behind the prestigious Queen Victoria Building (QVB) in Sydney, Australia. Today we can see the success of this company in property development in the thriving townships like Ipoh Garden, Ipoh Garden South, Ipoh Garden East with amenities such as banks, post office, shopping malls like Jusco and Tesco, shops, schools, hospitals and good infra structure. Ipoh Garden Bhd has become a household name in Ipoh.

The company lives up to its reputation as a reliable and trustworthy developer that delivers on time without compromising on the quality of workmanship.

Dato Tan Chin Nam who has most of his business interests in K. L. decided to focus on the development of Midvalley KL in the early 80's. He diluted his shareholding in GLDSB by selling his stake to Aun Huat and Bros.

Prospective purchasers wonder if there will be any change with the new ownership of GLDSB during the recent launch of Teak in Lang Valley ?
Mr. Ronnie ( Chairman of GLDSB) assured buyers that the company has engaged Nineten Properties ( Exclusive Marketing Agent in K. L. ) to conceptualize, strategize and make LANG VALLEY one of the most livable townships. Lang Valley City also aims to be the most happening shopping place in Ipoh. It has always been a challenge to Mr. Ronnie Poh and his father Poh Chee Meng to make it another success story in Lang Valley, Ipoh. They believe that property in the right location and the unique planning of the township spells success. GLDSB has also engaged a reputable architect from K. L., Varitus to map out a well-planned integrated township divided into Lang Valley City ( about 70 acres of commercial land) and Lang Valley Homes ( approximately 180 acres for 2000 residential homes) next to Gunung Lang Recreation Park. This will be the ideal place to call HOME in Lang Valley.

Lang Valley is strategically located next to the NSE (North South Expressway) and promises homes close to nature with lots of lush greenery amidst breathtaking limestone hills, access to a lake at Gunung Lang Recreation Park, lots of open space and 2.3 km of jogging track to promote community living. Apart from security, there are top class amenities in Lang Valley City with 5 million sq. ft. of shopping Malls, Backstreet Walk ( latest outdoor shopping experience) , Atrio - Lifestyle Corporate Offices, a 4 to 5 star Hotel, Colleges, Medical Center all at your doorstep. Lang Valley aspires to be the most sought-after township to be completed in the year 2023.
At the end of the interview, I could see the smiles of the father ( Mr. Poh Chee Meng - business advisor of the group) and his son, Mr. Ronnie Poh. The smiles say it all : "To do and deliver the best is always their priority and never settle for 2nd best" .

Is there any affordable Homes in K. L. or P. J. for the young professionals with an earnings of RM5,000.00 ( the ave single income group in P. J ?

2011-12-15T18:14:00.016+08:00

Interviewed Mr. Lee conducted on 15/ 12/11.
Mr. Lee 's profile - a young professional working in an IT firm for the last 5 years. Age : 26. Current drawing salary of RM 5,000.00 per month.
What kind of property can he buy in K. L., P. J. or Selangor . The following are some of the property prices in P. J and K. L. compiled recently :
2s link house ( less than 10 years ) in Bandar Utama 11: RM 450,000 - 500,000.00 (about 10 years ago) and current asking price at RM1,000,000.00 (with a bit of renovation) ;
SS2 2s link house (poor design and condition) : Asking price at RM300,000/= ( 2003/ 2004) and current asking price at RM600,00.00 . Buyer will have to fork out refurbish cost at around RM 200,000.00 depending on how extensive the owner want to spent for the renovation;
2s link house in Tmn Tun current asking price is around RM950,000 ( very old design). Price is expensive due to its location;
DESA Park City ( most sought after property in K. L. ) Price from 600,000 in 1995/ 96 to the current asking price of RM1,200,00.00;
How can Mr. Lee buy at RM1,2000.00 .00 To work out the installment based on 90% loan of RM1,200,000.00 is xxxxxxxxxxx Definitely, the bank will not extent the loan to him with the above income.
With his current income and if he still want to stay in K. L. what are his options ?
Should he just continue paying the rental of RM1500.00 in Bandar Utama for the rest of his life. Or should he wait until next year 2012 too see whether the property prices in Bandar Utama would come down to its original price 10 years ago at RM300,000.00 plus. With the rising cost of building material and land prices each year . The scenario will never happen. Definitely , Mr. Lee and a lot of other professionals will have to look elsewhere . What property can Mr. Lee afford to buy ? Based on 90% loan of RM300,000 .00 for 15 years, his monthly installment would be R1500.00. His income level would have to be RM4500.00 or so.
Why not consider Teak, Lang Valley Homes ( Next to Nature) as second home in Ipoh ?
Selling price : RM268,000.00 onwards for ( 20' x 70' ) with bigger built up areas of 1800 sq. ft. high ceiling, renovated double length car parks etc..
What else can Teak, Lang Valley Homes offers - contemporary design, gated and guarded, DIBS, Freehold, next to GUNUNG LANG RECREATION etc - . For better understanding , drop in and visit Teak , SHOWHOME or Lang Valley fan page. Seeing is believing.
Fact File of Lang Valley :
Located next to NSE , accessible to the major cities such as K. L. P. J. Penang and all the smaller towns. To be exact, in the intersection of Jalan Kuala kangsar with a driving time of about 10 minutes to Ipoh city center.

The current trend of the working class prefer to work in K. L. on the week days and stay in Ipoh on the weekends. They can take the ETS , relax or read some magazine in the train . The journey will take them around 2 hours to reach Ipoh Railway station .
Best of both world. To buy the property less than 1/4 the price ( compare to the 2s linkhouse in Bandar Utama with the asking price at RM1, 0000, 000.00 ) and enjoy the city lifestyle in Lang Valley Home. With the savings or access money , you can consider buying a better car or a holiday for the family. Everyone will get to enjoy a better quality of Life. These will be what most young generation's wants : Quality living lifestyle in a less stressful environment.
How the unique concept of Lang Valley of promoting nature community living next to LANG VALLEY CITY come about?
Chairman of Gunung Lang Development S/B, Pak Yap and Mr. Shin inspired the concept of Lang Valley. Subsequently, they have appointed Varitus, a well known and reputable architect in K. L. to map out the Master plan of LANG VALLEY - (70 over acres of land for LANG VALLEY CITY and the balance of about 180 acres of land for LANG VALLEY HOMES. When completed, it will provide 2000 homes within the next 10 years ( 2023) .
In 2012, we will have a number of interesting projects in the pipeline. For enquiry, please feel free to contact Nineten Properties ( Exclusive Marketing Agency) at 012 5123345( Jacy) / 014 344 2974 ( Chun Lee), 012 3087663 ( Mr. Nicky - the lang chai). We will have our dynamic and professional marketing team to talk and serve you better.
If you are buying it for rental investment, our team of negotiators will rent out your property. Grab this opportunity and be Mr. Lee's neighbor in Lang Valley Home. To be continue...

FILIAL - TO OUR BELOVED PARENTS ( By Ms Irene Poh 12/12/11.)

2011-12-12T23:56:00.009+08:00

Somehow, " filial" the word has always been in my mind. When I was young, we were taught during our early school days the important moral value is to pay respect and to take care of our parents when they are old and handicapped.
During my early childhood, I can always remember how my mum take care of my dad, our brothers and sisters , grandmothers and granfathers and the list goes on. When she woke up early in the am, she will have a long list of responsibility such as making breakfast for everyone. After that, she has to see to the house chores, cook for my dad's workers in the rice wholesale business. At the same time, she also prepare afternoon meal and dinners for all of us. Woo! by the time she called it a day would be very late at nite. Where she can find time to go shopping for herself or go spa... holidays like what the modern family do nowadays. The kind of sacrifices and hardship that she go through is really a rough journey . Does she has a choice? If she is lucky then she would not get scolding from her in laws. During my mother's time, we heard a lot of scary story about mother in law. To play the role of a daughter in law is very very challenging. Things goes wrong when her mother in law listen to all the pat poh . But whatever it is, she really need the support of her husband. If not, she has to swallow everything and no one defend her. She has no say and work like a slave to everyone. I am sure although my mum did not complained much but I knew she has done so much for the family . I must say that everyone in the family including my dad - we are really lucky and proud of her. Sometime when I went back to see her, she used to tell me that " to tai poh food or whatever to bring to K. L. . Although we told her no but still..... At the back of my mind, I just want to tell you mum - you have been doing so much for us all these years. It is our time as children to share and give. We will take care of you no matter whatever situation coz ..... the love that you have given to everyone one of us. Let us take care of you, comfort you .... and live your life happily would be our main responsibility as your beloved children. .....
My dad- Looking at the picture with the smile ........ it tells a story of him. He has been our father for ages. I guess at times, he is very tire and has no choice but to go on. I would say he is a very giving, generous , kind and also very strict to everyone in the family. He has ruled 10 of us as a commander in chief, hahaha. Better you bulk up otherwise ....He has taught me about discipline, to respect, to give in order to take, He has play the role as a provider to his immediate family, his brother, sisters and of course his parents. The heavy burden that he took on is really stressful and at times he told me that he cannot sleep. The business battlefield that he is facing is really risky, competitive and challenging too. That's why he looked worried. It sharply point out that parents are getting older and older each day. The life journey is just like a flower in the garden . It looks beautiful when it is full bloom. Before the flower is withers or before it is too late we as children will have to take action and start to appreciate the parents that has raise us up in the best possible way.
The most important message brought up is to be FILIAL to our beloved parents.
Mum and Dad - Let us hug and say "We all love you very very much and we want you to live happy and healthy for the rest of your days" - Thank you .

LANG VALLEY ( NEXT TO NATURE) By Ms Irene Poh.

2011-12-10T00:00:00.006+08:00

Lang Valley ( Next to nature) - Along North South Expressway and in the intersection of Jalan Kuala Kangsar, Ipoh.

Lang Valley Homes & Lang Valley City.

Lang Valley Homes - Home next to nature with conveniences of proposed 5 million sq. ft. Shopping Mall, An outdoor shopping experiences of Backstreet Walk, Atrio ( 70 units of 3 and 4 stry Lifestyle Shop-offices), Proposed Hotel, Proposed Perodua 3S Center facing NSE, Proposed Fast Food Drive In, Proposed colleges, Medical Center within your doorstep.... community living with 2.3 km of Jogging track next to hillside... Gunung Lang Recreation park ( managed by MBI), .. longest stretch of limestone hills in Ipoh city.

Lang Valley City - A complete Cities - next to Nature.

For more enquiry and pictures , please check out at Lang Valley facebook.

Teak ( 20 ' x 70' - 2s Linkhouse) in an Integrated township Lang Valley, Ipoh.( By Irene Poh).

2011-11-30T16:34:00.015+08:00

Why buy a home in Lang Valley, Ipoh for Retirement and Investment ?

Ipoh reminds me of good food and nice, friendly people. It,s the place for the best dim sim - in Foh Sun. Ipoh is also famous for Kei Si Hor Fun, Chee Cheong Fun, Ipoh White Coffee, Tau foo Fa, Yee Tan Fun, Yim Kok Kei, curry puff, egg tart, kaya puff, pau, Nasi Briyani, Mee Jawa and the list goes on. Wow, make me wallow my saliva.
Lang Valley, located at Ipoh North and to be exact, located in the intersection of Kuala Kangsar road and NSE, it gives the place the advantage of good accessibility to Ipoh city center and to other nearby smaller towns such as Kuala Kangsar, Taiping, Kampar, Bidor , Tapah, Cameron Highlands etc. Ipoh, Grden City has good mode of transportation connects to bigger cities such as K. L. and Penang via the NSE, Ipoh airport, ETS .... which has drawn the cities or towns much closer now . Just like in Japan where the properties in Tokyo are so expensive that people cannot afford to buy any property there. So, with the improved mode of transportation, people would not mind commuting and stay a bit further to avoid traffic jam and the price hike of properties. Ya, we can still find some property at the fringe of K. L such as Kajang Town, Rawang, Sg. Buaya. But, the road system, amenities, neighborhood are still not as good as what we can find in Ipoh.
Take a look at the surroundings of Lang Valley. At the backdrop are the limestone hills, covering one side, it gives you the natural beauty of Ipoh. As you take a drive from the entrance into Lang Valley from Jalan Kuala Kangsar. You will be welcome by the beautiful views and the waterfalls of Gunung Lang Recreation Park. This is no ordinary park. It has a beautiful lake where you can have recreational activities. During the weekends, it will be crowded with people coming for picnics, boat rides, park walks and even resort chalets for those intending to stay-over. Gunung Lang Recreation Park managed by MBI seems to be a popular park among the locals as well as outstation visitors. If you are a nature lover, you can even go for cave visiting such as Gua Tempurung, Sam Poh Tong, Perak Tong etc. After a hard's day work, maybe you would like visit The Banjaran Hotspring, Hotspring, Tambun , Bayan Spa where you can relax. If you are a golf lover, take a short drive to Clearwater Sanctuary where you can relaxed and enjoy your golf game for the day. For those beach lovers, Pangkor Island will be a nice getaway place for some sun tanning, canoeing, swimming, etc. Lang Valley, being located next to NSE is easily accessible to all these places of interest without much hassle. For me, it will be worth considering to get a good home to retire in Ipoh. So much to do. To sum it all up, you have the "Best of Both world". The natural setting of limestone hills , 0.7 km of Backstreet Mall, Atrio, Lifestyle Mall, 5 million sq.ft. Shopping Mall, Colleges. in Lang Valley City. And yet just a 5 minutes drive away from Ipoh city center. If I want to look for happening, we can still can go to places like Overtime, St Patrick, Ipoh Garden East..etc. After all, there are still some decent and open night spots that young people like to hangout.
Teak's contemporary designs, with modern facade, follows the market trend that customer would not mind paying a slightly higher price. GLDSB main objective is to build a ready home - plaster ceiling, 2 ft by 2 ft ceramic floor tiles for ground floor living and dining halls, floorings for all the upstairs bedrooms, wall tiles up to ceiling for kitchen as well as all bathrooms, solid room doors and toilet doors, quality toilet fittings give purchasers the conveniences of not having to do much when they take over the property in middle of 2013. Furthermore, the purchasers might not have the time to do it. Another added features would be gated and guarded facilities with community living that people asked for. The homes come with intercom system, internet broadband, alarm system wiring....etc. Price from RM 268,000.00 up for a build up areas of approx. 1800 sq.ft.
Another bonus would be GLDSB also take care of the interest cost during construction, free legal fees, stamp duties. Purchasers just have to pay the earnest monies of 10% and take a 90% loan package offered by leading banks such as MBB and PBB at an attractive loan package.
If you have decided to buy a retirement home in Lang Valley. The minute you get your house keys, the Exclusive property agency , Nineten Properties ( Hp 013 3638327/ 012 5123345/ 0143442974) will assist you to rent out your property immediately asthe rent will take care of your installment to the bank.
It is a good idea, looking at the objective of buying a retirement home with the intention to rent it out first. With the same amount of money, I can't do much in buying any good property in K. L. and Penang too. If you want a good property of similar built up areas of 1400 sq. ft. with land size of 20 ' x 70' in USJ 3D near to USJ heights , the price would be close to RM500,000.00 and also have to pay for all the miscellaneous costs that might come up to be exorbitant from your own pocket.
Best is to take a drive down to Lang Valley for some Ipoh good food and visit Teak show house in Lang Valley. Limited units available.

SEEING IS BELIEVING.

Backstreet Walk at the Junction in lang Valley, Ipoh ( next to Ipoh North of the NSE)

2011-11-18T18:42:00.011+08:00

Atrio , 3 & 4 storey Lifestyle Corporate Office in Lang Valley, Ipoh (By Irene Poh)

2011-11-15T17:36:00.009+08:00

I have got a call from the developer's office asking me to meet up with his director, Mr. Kelvin to market their commercial corporate offices. At this moment, I was very tide up with the marketing and sales of the residential property called "Teak " in Lang Valley. Initially, I was a bit pull back. But, I told myself- Why not? I drove to the developer's office located in Greentown, the commercial hub of Ipoh. Mr. Kevin personally came out from his office and greeted us. To my surprise he was such a young and friendly person.
He showed me the brochure of his project and coincidentally the project is located in Lang Valley that I have been working on Developer of Lang Valley has told me that they have sold part of the land in the town-center (70 acres) to Mr Kelvin 's company. Mr. kelvin and his partner saw the potential of development of lifestyle corporate shop office ( first of its kind) in Ipoh city.
From my market survey corporate offices in Ipoh are:
a) located in Greentown area, Ipoh old town center, Bandar Sunway, Bandar Botanic , Ipoh Garden Main Road , Bercham Area. etc. All these places are located away from North South Highway.
b) majority of the shop units are with the standard length of 75' ;
c) design of the above shop units are rather flat;
Atrio Lang Valley , a unique development located right next to the North South Expressway wth the slip road going directly into the site. The good accessibility and exposure gives the business a lot of potentials. Mr. Kelvin explained to me the special features as follows :
a) a longer length of 85' for the intermediate units will gives the spaciousness,.
b) The glass shopfront gives a modern touch . The shopfront in the first and second floor can be used for showcase ;
c) comes with broadband connection;
d) 40 ft of atrium (reserve by Mr. Kelvin's company for rental only) come with high ceiling and good ventilation ideally for alfresco dining , starbuck, coffee bean wondermilk, san francisco cafe. fine dining restaurants, lavendar bread shop , retail, meeting and eating place for the white collar;
Atrio Lang Valley is appealing to the conveniences of the travelers coming from the North and South of Malaysia without going into the city and get caught in the traffic jam. The town center of Lang Valley with the concept of creating a city complete with the following amenities
a) proposed hotel;
b) Proposed Shopping mall with around 5million sq. ft;
c) proposed of the longest "backstreet" walk;
d) instituition, healthcare etc.
With the above, the residence will having the conveniences of everything at their doorstep.
Atrio Lang Valley located in the intersection of North South Highway and Jalan Kuala Kangsar or to be exact in the mid point of the highly populated middle and middle high income group of people from Ipoh Garden East, Ipoh Garden South, Ipoh Garden, Bercham, Tambun areas and the housing areas in Jalan Kuala Kangsar.
In view of the above , some of the sales or branch offices in K. L. or Penang consider to relocate/ locate their offices in Atrio . Why? Mr. Kelvin pause for a while as I get a bit excited wanting to know more about the prices. He explained that the minimum price start from RM878,800.00 after discount, DIBS, Free Legal Fees etc. . Take advantage of these opportunity, please feel free to call Ms Wendy Chen ( 016332677) or Irene Poh ( 0133638327), Jacy ( 012 5123345) for viewing of the site.

Respect to others and make the wolrd a better place. ( 03/ 07/ 2011 by Irene Poh

2011-07-24T23:36:00.002+08:00

When I was young, my mum and dad used to tell me to show respect to the elders, relatives, friends and so on. Whether we like it or not, we have to live with this principle of life. The importance of showing respect to parents, elder, friends, employer, employee... etc in regardless of their status. We will have to nurture our children with these values when they are still young. By doing so, the world would be a better to live on.
Is it fair for us to give respect to people judging from their outlook rather than their behavior? One of my business's friend used to complain to me that people judge him based on this outlook. He had this problem of being looked down when he went to the bank to open an account. For comfort purposes, he just wore something simple . Came along another lady dressed luxuriously and wore a diamond ring that catches the attention of the bank clerk . The minute the clerk saw the "rich" lady, she quickly stood up and treated the " rich" lady like a" VIP" . Knowing the fact that my friend came in earlier. What's wrong with her? Come on, her judgement is 101% wrong. My friend could have looked very simple but in fact he is rich. After seeing what had happened, my friend just shook his head and walked away. What a pity? The bank clerk did not even know that she has just lost a valuable customer. So, better not to be misguided and not show the slightest respect to simple people like my friend. Live to respect others in order to gain the respect. In this realistic world, the society is full of people that only give respect to the rich - Is this the norm? What kind of non sense?
Please bear in mind that majority of us also take things for granted by not showing respect to their family members. friends, their husband and vice versa, business partners etc. Children in this digital age complained that their parent do not understand them and yet demand respect . We ask ourself, do we deserve the respect from our parent if we can't show the same respect to them in the very first place?
Gosh... I guess nowadays people just do not bother with giving " respect" to others anymore. I was just sharing it with my sister in law the other day, she told me that she is engaged in a normal conversation with one of her friend's son that turned into embarassment and disappointment. The boy suddenly screamed and sweared at her. She did nothing wrong and could not understand why? To her surprise, she just stared at the boy and not knowing what to say to him? Is it something wrong with the boy's family's upbringing or too much of western influences from the media. Why is he behaving like this? Was he drunk when he said this. Nope. Nowadays, majority of the so called "educated new generation" talk like this ? To them, this is cool . I was disappointed and yet they can tell me to chill . How ? You mean to say that the parents spend some much money ....to produce whole bunch of barbaric / misbehaved kids to the society. I felf sad for them as well as their parents.
Likewise, respect is someting not only one sided and expect being respected. I believe respect has to be earned. One of my friend used to complain that her children are being rude and not giving respect to her. I got a shock. Her children are so highly educated and earning a good salary. Why ? I find that in this competitive world, parents seemed to priotise on the wrong values. They feel that children's academic excellency are the key success in their children's life . As such, they have neglected the most important principle to teach their children 's moral values. The children could not be bothered showing respect to others as long as they obtained flying colors in their exams. After all, these is what their parent' wants. Showing off to everyone how smart their children. Come on. In reality, this bunch of so called " educated generation without knowing the real meaning of "respect" going into the employment market. They would definitely face problem in communicating with others because they do not know how to respect others. People will slowly dis associate from him/ her due to his/ her behavioral problem. Better wake up, start showing respect to others and you will automatically gain the respect. Isn't this a wonderful feeling. To learn to respect others in regardless who they are?
My son, Ivan used to ask me " mum, Is dad being respected ? " . Yes of course he is. People from all walks of life- the old or young ones , the poor or the rich, the academics or even the little ones appreciate and look up to him . Take him as a learned person with great respect, good personalities, manners and the list goes on. I guess we as parent will have to do our part to instill good values to our children, Reap what we sow. With that, the world would be a better place.
That's goes the saying " respect is to earn and not demanded".
Everyone put their heart and soul to shape and change the attitude of the new generation. The choice is in our hand and let's start the ball rolling . Put together everyone's effort - " learn to respect each other to lead a happy life" . Isn't that what we want? Having the mutual respect and live harmoniously with each other. The world would be a better place.
If we can't respect these basic fundamental into our daily life then we will have to bear whatever to come . Do not blame others or trying to shortchange the innocent ones. Let's wake up and do something.

Lang Valley (Next to Nature). A 250 acres of Mixed Development in Ipoh North ( next to North South Highway). ( Irene Poh 09/07/2011)

2011-07-11T10:26:00.002+08:00

Looking back for the past two years, I tried my best to find time visiting my mum, dad , brothers, sister and relatives in Ipoh. At times, I guess spending time with your love ones always mean alot to me.
I have left home after my secondary education and did my Bachelor of Arts degree in University of Guelph, Canada. But somehow, no matter where I go, my heart is always in Ipoh. Is it because of its natural landscape and food is so fantastic and tasty that I thought I am living in paradise.
As you take a slow drive along NS highway approaching Ipoh, you will see on the left and right side of the roads covered with mountain and limestone hills comes in different forms. The one from the top of the cave called the stalactite and the one that come from bottom is called stalagmite.
Lang Valley, located in Ipoh North has its natural beauty. The first access from Ipoh Garden Tasik into North South Highway. After a short distance, You will see a railway track on the left hand side of the highway before passing Gunung Mahsurat . Travel for another 300m, you will see a slip road in-construction ( alternative access) goes directly into the Lang Valley Commercial Hub.
The third access from Ipoh Oldtown Center travel along Jalan Kuala Kangsar into Lang Valley. The drive takes about 10 minutes.
Gosh! Lang Valley is like what we see in the Chinese paiting( San Sui Hua) . The backdrop of the beautiful hills with the lake next to it. As I travelled along North South Highway, I was welcome by Gunung Lang Recreation Park. To get into the lake, we have to buy ticket for the boat ride. During the weekends , the entrance is crowded with people waiting eagerly and patiencely at the queue . The minute I saw the lake, I thought I am in James Bond Island, Thailand. Later I realised that I am not . As I drove further in , there is a huge park with matured grown bamboo trees , some huge trees and challet too. Suddenly I can feel the cool breeze of air and I just sit and relax. The serenity of the view, the bird singing and the squirel running really inspired me . How nice if I can have my chinese brush to do some paintings now . But, too bad. I am not an artist. hahaha.
Lang Valley, a land blessed with lush of greenery , the terrain of the land is rather flat with a closed proximity to the network of highways ( North South) and jalan Kuala Kangsar. The North South Highway lead us to the most happening places such as The garden, Jusco in Tasik, Ipoh Garden East where the night life begins . On the other hand, along Jalan Kuala Kangsar, it will brings us to the industrial sites such as Honda, Toyota 3S centre , Volvo, etc. If you continue on the journey , you will get to KTM station (Fast track to KL) , most of the major banks, St. Michael Schools, ACS school , Majistrate courts, corporate offices etc.
Lang Valley , strategically located in the mid point of two vibrant business centers mentioned above. Gunung Lang S/B (developer of Lang Valley) 's Chariman Mr. Ronnie Poh reiterated to incorporate more Greens in Lang Valley. His dream is to let buyers enjoy the last peice of well planned township with amenities and good accessibitlies . To find out more, do not hesitate to visit our website at malaysia-properties.com.my.
Gunung Lang S/B has the people's interest at heart. The entire development consist of approximately 250 acres of land. They have cut out 70 acres of commercial land to be developed and managed by a reputable and experienced retailer. A place where people can live, play and eat. Chairman has not said much but they are finalising the negotiation with a few parties. We just have to wait anxiously for the good news .
For the next launched of Teak, a 20' x 70' of 2S linkhouse sometime in October 2011 , Gunung Lang S/B has engaged KL architect come up with the guarded/ gated community living concept. Something new in Ipoh. They have also engaged landscape designer to beautify the jogging track. I was told " solar panels.... and environmental friendly features". Why wait? Only limited units available.
Talk to our marketing consultant Ms Jacy Wong / Ms Irene Poh at 012 5123345/ 0133638327 , the appointed marketing agency , Nineten Properties ( E1654) to show you the perspective plans, location maps, specifications. and price from RM 258,000/= onwards for Teak .. It is our pleasure to serve you and make your investment worthwhile.
Seeing is believe and take an easy drive to Lang Valley( Next to Nature). To get away from the hustle and bustle lifestyle in Kuala Lumpur. Relax, shops,eat and have fun living in Lang Valley. Lead a healthy Lifestyle- that's where you want to come home to.

A challenging and enjoyable experience in Mt. Kinabalu on 16/ 06/11.( By Irene Poh)

2011-06-22T20:04:00.004+08:00

On 15th June 2011, our plane touched down in KKIA around 10 in the morning to meet our local tour guide where he took fourteen of us to Mesilau which is located at the foot of Mt. Kinabalu (approx. 6000 ft above sea level). Along the journey, I stay awake to enjoy every bit of the beautiful scenery. To my surprise, the view is just like the chinese saying " Yan Chian Sun Keng" - the sight of a fairy land. We are very lucky as we are able to see the mountain top because most of the time it is covered by clouds. The weather is slightly warm but overall it quite cooling. We wind down our windows to get some fresh air. The journey took us around 2 hours to reach Mesilau Resort Centre around 12 noon and the view is simply breathtaking! We quickly put down our luggages and check into the hotel rooms. The room is rather spacious - each unit comes with three bedrooms, one heater, an attached bathroom, a common living hall complete with tv and a tea set. Although it is not very luxurious, it is well equipped with basic amenities and it is clean too.
The tour guide gave us a quick briefing on list of things to bring, the expectation, emergency aids, toilets and resting spots availability in every 1 km of the hiking route, to take care of other team members and etc. Counting down .... we are finally here to climb Mt. Kinabalu.
We walked around 10 mins to the lobby area for lunch . While walking, I looked at the resort building architecture - very English inspired designed with high ceiling top similar to those ski resort in overseas. I was told Mesilau is only reserved for resort homes and not for other developments. That is why the air is fresh and good. Most of the building structure are made out of wood and the flooring is made from timber to encapsulate a cozy atmosphere.
At night, we had our dinner in a different restaurant. They served very nice grilled lamb. The minute the lamb is on the pot, everyone is rushing for it. I guess the meat keep our body warm and very filling too. I just love the taste of it. After dinner, we sat outside to enjoy my cup of hot coffee along with the cold breeze. Some of the them are having their puff of cigarettes. One of them told me that the first puff is just like heaven especially after a satisfying meal. I was puzzled??
I really had a good sleep after the flight from KL because we were up as early as 4 in the morning. I went to the lobby to have my early morning breakfast teo chew porridge menu such as salted eggs, pickled vegetables, choy poh eggs , american breakfast menu such as milk, cereals,omelette, coco crunch ... malaysian menu such as nasi lemak, fried mee hoon...and much more. Quite a good varieties and the foods are not too bad. While having my breakfast, the tour guide came in and gave everyone a white lunch box with bananas, apples, sandwhiches, eggs in it. That will be our lunch for the day. Do not expect to bring char koay teow because it will be frozen by the time we are at the top. The porter taking us up waited for us at the meeting point . He went through the list of items that they are suppose to carry up. The charges for every 1 kg is around RM10/= for the whole trip. One of the porter by the name of Tony, he is young and lang chai too. I was told that he is the most popular one among the young girls.
We started our jouney at around 830am. The 1st 1 to 2 hour of the walk is kind of relax because part of the journey are downhill. After that, we passed through the waterfalls where the water splashing from the top, you can really feel the mist and the feeling is good. We took some nice pictures of the waterfall and its surroundings. My tour partner, Jason loves to take pictures of birds, squirrels, leaves, flowers, trees.... After a while, we reached the suspension bridge. My biggest challenge has come - to cross the bridge.whoa, it is not easy. I waited for a while and thinking how to do it. Just took a deep breath and with the encouragement from Jason. The very next minute, I am already on the other side of the bridge. I guess only those like me would be able to understand how scared I am before I cross the bridge. Ooh... sweating only. No matter what I tell myself " if you think you can do it then you would definitely do it" . It is only mind over matter. Like what ck always tell me : " Why worry unnecessarily ?" . To face whatever challenges when it comes. By doing so, it will automatically gives me the comfort or confidence to overcome any fears .
The weather is getting cooler around 12 noon and the journey up is getting more and more difficult. The wind cheater with the hood comes very handy. I just put on the hood when the weather is windy just to keep my body warm. Around 2pm, we only reached the midpoint of Lapan Ratar. I rushed to grab a seat to rest my tiring legs. Everyone is almost half dead. We don't have any appetite. At this moment, we only think of resting rather than eating . But, come to think of it we still have a long way to go . So I just gobble whatever food in the lunch box . One of the porter reminded me that road ahead is even much tougher as we go higher due to the thin air . I was snapped by negative thoughts again. Suddently I was inspired of what Jacy and Ivan always tell me during my training in Gasing Hills " kai ma just do it ... just do it. These words really lift up my spirit again. Take a deep breath and go on to the battlefield for another round.
Re-energize after the good rest and also taking some food at the midpoint of Lapan Rata. I realised that I have travelled about 5km, still another 3.5 km to go. Pulling my heavy legs walking step by step uphill. I can hear the wind still blowing and feel the cold breeze. Some part of the journey are so rocky that my legs got stuck in between the gaps of the rocks making it very very painful. Some of the steps are just planks of strip wood at a steep gradient and you just have to walk carefully. Otherwise, you might just fall. After another 1.5 km you will come to a stretch with big rocks. It really test you scale for rock climbing. I quickly grabbed the rope tightly with both of my hands, I kept going without turning back. The cold wind blew so strongly until part of my body tilted to the left hand side closed to a ravine. The height is at 9000 ft to 10000 feet above sea level. You cannot afford to take the wrong steps. Very chi cake ( dangerous). I was so thrilled after completing the rock climbing. I did not realised that my teeth trembled due to the cold weather. I just grit my teeth . No kidding. I nearly cried but just tell myself to be strong. Keep walking until the last 2 km and looked at the time. It is around 530pm and the sky is getting dark. Rested for another few seconds and knew that time wait for no man. The journey for the last 2 km is only uphill with very big steps. I have to use one hand to pull one of the legs up and the other hands holding the stick . Asking myself - Why am I here to suffer??? One of the team members, his leg suddenly cramped. I saw him put on some muscle relaxant cream and sit for while. After that, he is on the move again. Some of these porters carrying heavy loads of bags have never complained a word. They just do it happily. Another porter took up heavy gas tank, cartons of eggs and they walked so fast that we met them on the way up and the very next minute saw them going downhill. We still have have yet to reach our destination. Some of these porters are as young as 10 years old. I asked the porter that took care of me and was told that his monthly earning is around RM1200 excluding the tips. Yet he can still take care a family of seven children . He is only 45 years old but doesn't look like one. All the exercise, fresh air and being happy could be the secret behind it.
The cold air at the hilltop is like the fresh air conditioner. The last 100 steps to Lapan Rata ( around 11,000 plus feet above sea level) was so difficult and my body is so exhausted. . I heard some noices and saw the light from the buidling. The joy for my achievement is unbelieveblle. I feel like the happiest person in the world. Finally reached the despination. When I get into the building, I heard some hand claps and whistling ... I just laughed to myslef and dropped my whole body onto the seat. The time is around 6.30pm. The journey took me exactly 10 hours including all the resting hours. I still did not see the other members in my team. Around half an hour later, I saw Jacy slowly coming in and told me that she worried that I took another route to go downhill. I told her " if there is a will, there is a way" . She noded her head and agrees with me.
Another good news is Jacy has gone up to the summit ( 13,000 plus ft above sea level) with determination, hardwork and the fighting spirit in her. Well done Jacy and everyone is proud of you. Both of us would not have done it without the help and encouragement of everyone. I take this opportunity to thank my team mate, Mr.Jason, my team leader, Mr. Ivan Wong ( Mr. Positive man), my kai lui Jacy, Kent ( Mr. St. John Ambulance ) and the rest for making this a wonderful trip. Mt. Kinabalu has the spectacular world class natural landscape and fresh air. What a blessed land and hope that you could make your trip there too.
Mount Kinabalu has given me a certificate record for my visit to Lapan Rata. Jacy and balance of the 8 members including Jason, Ivan, Kent, Ah Wah, Big Foot, Mark, Christine's husband and Peggy's husband received the certificate for reaching the highest mountain in Malaysia.
Bravo. brothers and sisters. Well done.
Shared with you our group pictures taken in Mt. Kinabalu. Hope that you would like it.

Ck's b'day - Reminiscing ( by Irene Poh on 19/05/11)

2011-05-31T02:30:00.001+08:00

Just about 2 weeks ago, we visited CK's grave for his one year death anniversary together with my family members, brothers, sisters, sister in law and nephew. Today, comes his birthday. In the past, I will remind my son and god daughters to buy him a nice dinner . He prefers sze chuan food at' Tai Yan Chai Tank' ( Esquire's Kitchen) in Subang Parade . CK loves the souppy long noodle called "Cheong Sau Mee" brings longetivity. Looking back, CK is an easily contented, simple, giving and a philosopher . He always write during his free time and maybe it is therapeutic for him. During his writing, he always has his cup of coffee by his side while doing his blog "taipingcoffee.blogspot.com" . That's the uniqueness in him and why he is being loved. He told me and the children as well that we do not have to be very rich to be happy. At times, I do ask myslef, will I be happy if I am rich? Maybe, to a sudden extent. Why ? I can buy what I want, go for an enjoyable trip with my family , to be able to spend my family a nice dinner in a famous restaurants, to buy myself branded bags and so on. I ask yourself, without all these will I still be happy. I can tell you yes. Come to think of it he is quite right. To lead a happy life is after all not that difficult . More of what we want in life.
Everyone are too busy eating except CK . He and his favorite cup of black coffee kaw kaw. At the same time, he will share his favorite jokes that everyone can't stop laughing but him . I always puzzle how he can be so cool. He saw Ivan went to pay for the dinner and whisper to me saying that your son has grown up. I stared at him when he said that. My son and not his. hahaha.
After the meal, he will thank the children for their effort and taking their busy schedue from work. I whispered to him telling him that he doesn't have to say anything. I am sure he deserve to be treated a good meal after giving his love, attention, sacrifices, care, wisdom, patience all these years. What more can the children ask?
I have missed doing nothing for him on his last birthday and today too. Last night, Ivan asked me whether I have any plans for the celebration of his dad's b'day . Told him that I am ok. I just wanted my heart to be filled with good memories of his dad. Jacy told me that she dreamed of CK just 2 to 3 nights ago. Ck, our great mentor, please watch over the children and lead them to live a happy and positve life. Still remember CK's usual saying " Life is always imperfectly learn" so just keep learning and also keep going.... The day that we stop learning will be our last day on earth. For sure, CK has left behind a lot of good memories that I still shared with the children these days.
I can smell of the nice coffee aroma coming from the kitchen. Don't worry it is not CK but my maid brewed the coffee for him just in case he is back. Do enjoy the cofffee . Let me sing you a song titled " Moon Represent my Heart" in Chinese " Yet Liang Tai Piew Woh Ti Sin" . Enjoy it together. .. Your love will be forever remembered. I wish I can whispered that into your ears again.

Dad -My mentor ( By Irene Poh - 10/ 05/ 11)

2011-05-30T00:54:00.005+08:00

Dad -My mentor ( By Irene Poh - 10/ 05/ 11)
My dad- somehow these chinese saying comes to my mind. " Yam Suin Chi Yoon" which means the water that we drank and enjoyed, we need to know where the origins of the water come from . I guess nowadays , children tend not to realise that this is a very important principle in our daily life. We have to teach our children to be grateful to their parents. First of all, we will have to start from ourselve . We must be grateful to those who has pull us through out of difficulties. We have to reciprocate by not forgetting about those who have help us. Some are so arrogant that they will hurt you in whatever way they can. I really do not have any respect for these people no matter how rich they are. When I look at them, I really want to give them a kick in their ass. Learn to respect others and be respected. Ya. I can tell you that somehow my dad is the person that always been look up to by a lot of his friends, relatives and so on. It is not because of his look. I guess it is the substance in him and you may understand what I mean. If not, just don't bother. hahaha.
My dad- He is well known for his generosity towards the young , old , poor, needy people and etc . One of my sisters called him as the Chinese "Santa Claus ". I believe God has given him the gift of giving and never ask for anything in return. Being a father, he will provide every meal on the table without my mum worrying whether the next meal will come or not. At times, when he is better off, he will give money to mum to cook for us a good and enjoyable meal. So far, the problem of not having enough food or rice has never occured . When business is good, he extends his help to take care of his brothers and sisters's familly either by providing money or good food for everyone. The kids are always happy to see him. Some of his grandchildren or great grandchildren will ask their parents about him. Just like Santa Claus giving them big ang pow. The kids will compare the money they have and jump up and down. You can hear lots of joy and laughter. I believe the happiness from the children's face is what my dad would ask for! Just like "Santa Claus" hohoho..
Apart his generousity towards his family, he also extend his help to others in solving their financial difficulties, family problems and etc whenever is needed. He has problem solving and analytical skills. He always advice us "Look at things on both sides to to see the clearer picture in order to make better desision". That is the reason why everyone seek his advice because of his wisdom. Dad's education is up to primary level because his family is very poor. However, God has blessed him with intelligence to take him where he is now today. It takes a lot of obstacles and wisdom to become a successful businessman, am I right? I can tell you that he is always very determined to carry out his plan , to weigh the pros and cons in a very rational manner, to have good foundation in managing his finances and his staff's well being. He looks into employee's interest and not taking them for a ride. He believes that his staff is part of his team and asset. Hence, he gains loyality among his staff.
In my early age, he brought me to his construction site to look at his contractor's work . He is very passionate about his business. He will show me what his team has done - the drainage work, mortar, stairways, building superstructure , piles and etc. That is when I begin to understand what my father's business is all about. He and his few partners are the founder of a reputable property developer that build homes in the early seventies in Ipoh. While doing IGB business, he sees a lot of potential in the property market. He has also started his own small property development which is taken care by my sister, brothers, uncle, cousin and etc. I know it is not easy for him to have the responsibilities of taking care so many people. I was quite young at that time and not knowing that he has made a lot of sacrifices for everyone. There are times, he has sleepless nights. I guess his love for his family and everyone else who are close to him is unmeasurable. Let us take the opportunity to do our bes to take care of you and your business. Now that your age is catching up, enjoy your life.
I remember when I face with any problems, I will always seek your advice and direction. You have anchored my career path into real estate business. You told me that teaching industry is not my cup of tea. With your concrete direction, I am able to secure a job in a well known property developer firm in the city. With your piece of advice, CK and I are able to send my son, Ivan to university and also to accumulate some good properties investment.
My dad is a visionary man, he is able to view things in long term. I wish I have his capabilities in order to lead my life comfortably. His expectations toward his 10 children and all his grandchildren or greatgrandchildren is, to lead a happy life. You have done it dad! From now onwards, we will do our best to walk together with you through thick and thin, for the rest of your journey. All your 10 children, mum, daughter in law, son-in law, cousins, relatives, friends are very proud of you. Our mentor - inspiring us to lead a more positive life.
Dad - You are indeed our mentor and well done.

Visiting Of Ck's Grave on 1st of May 2011 ( 01/ 05/ 11 by Irene Poh)

2011-05-02T21:40:00.006+08:00

I know it is not easy for me and my family members to face the fact we have to go visiting my late husband CK 's grave. It's only been one year that he has left us and just seemed like yesterday. Its so strange. Yesterday, I came back from my groceries and saw a beautiful butterfly resting and feeding on nectar from flowers in the garden . I have not seen such a beautiful butterfly in my garden since a while ago. So I just sit quietly and watched it from far. The Chinese believed that the butterfly could be CK coming back to see us.

I did not had a good sleep for almost a week due to my flu. The virus is so strong and still weakening my whole body system . But whatever it is I still have to pull myself into one and do whatever that I need to do. Tell my mind to " Just do what you need to do- Go to ck 's Grave". Otherwise no one can do it except you. Lucky thing is that I am still in one piece.

I quickly wake up early in the am and go to the market to pick up some fresh and beautiful flower to bring to CK 's grave so that he can smell the freshness of his favorite Koke Fa ( Chrysanthemum) . After picking up the breakfast, I quickly rush home to wake Ivan and Jacy up. Took the flowers and water and put it into the car. My phone rang and my sisters Lye yong told me that they are already on the way to Klang. Still I did not hear from Michael. Peep from my main door and saw Michael waited outside. Jacy rushed down while we waited for her in the car.

Told Jacy to take the Glenmarie way and the journey went on smooth sailing. My brother Chee Kwan arrived there earlier and waited for us. When we arrived, everyone get down from the car and walk towards Ck's tomb. Jacy just took out her Iphone and start playing the song " Amazing Grace" . Everyone sang together and suddenly I felt CK 's presence.. He told me that I have to be strong and be there for everyone. I whispered to him telling him that at times I am really really tired . Really needed some rest to re charged. Come to think of it. I better take some rest before I collapse.

I really appreciate the support given by my brother Chee Kwan, Sisters Lye Yong and Lay Mui, sister in law Angie and her son Yong Yee, brother Michael and of course Jacy. Without their support this morning , I guess things would be different. I feel very lucky to have them there and the love that they have given to CK. What more can I ask? No matter what I will try my very best to be there for them in time to come. I really really mean it. That goes the Chinese saying " Lan Heng Lan Tie" - Close bro and sisterhood. What a feeling!. ...

From today's trip I learn something very interesting.

I learned that no matter what we do please bear in mind that we are not alone to face whatever difficulties in life. Please share whatever with others and let them have the opportunity to give us a helping hand to face it together. It will definitely make a difference.

Form today onwards, give yourself a chance - " let others help you" .

Thanks again to everyone and the well wishes from Kevin, Nicky Poh , Marvin Yoong and the rest of the family members.

My beloved Mum 28/ 04/ 11 You are the Best. ( Ms Irene Poh)

2011-05-02T21:28:00.002+08:00

My mum 's face just come suddenly into my mind this morning when I woke up. To me she still look as beautiful as ever although at this age. especially her laughter. This CNY, everyone went back for the reunion and we were sitting down talking about good old days. I was staring at her while everyone was talking, laughing and some watching TV. To me my mum, she is fantastic . Why?
Let me tell you why? She has never has much education but some how I do not know how she can raised us up. No kidding - 10 of the us and all are healthy. All her siblings are doing quite well in terms of work and business. Some of them are economist, finance director, engineer, registered real estate agent, businessman, office manager etc. . Sometime, I do wonder how fantastic she is . She is our tutor, a good cook, our banker for emergency, good home maker that take care of problems on behalf of my dad while he is out for his business trip and the list goes on.
My mother's role does not stop while all her children are out to school . She will utilize her quality time to do baking . She bakes orange cakes, biscuit to share it with friends. They just love her baking and what not. Slowly the orders for her cakes was good. But she knew that she can't make much money from baking and She did not want to bother my dad with all these money matter. You knowlah man will feel that you give them a lot of pressure. Come along my brother in law asking her to rear Labrador telling her it is a very good guard door. She toy around with the ideas for a while and later decided to go for it. Somehow the news travel around that her Labrador is of good quality . Some of these friends keep asking for it and slowly it become a business. Initially my dad was very much against the idea but slowly see that my mum is happy doing it and he just goes with it.
At times, we do tell my dad how lucky he is to have a wife like my mum that took care of everything . It is better that striking lottery. First of all, Mum is very sacrificing because she bear the 10 of us. Nowadays, the so called " modern ladies" after marriage did not even want to have any children because they tell me that their body will go out of shape. What kind of nonsense is this. Having children will complete your life journey. Moreover this is part of our Chinese tradition. It will pass on from generation to generation. Deep into my mum's heart I am sure she is very proud to raise us up. Likewise, we also feel the same way. The love that she gave to everyone of us is something that no one can replace her. She has given us too much and at times let us have the opportunity to love you, to hug you and and share her life experiences that we can learn from you. She is always unselfishly taught us to be honest, respectful to the elders, to be humble, to be kind and caring to the weak, to give love and so on. Sometime, I bump into my brother's children and all of them look forward to eat her cooking especially the special abolone soup that she boiled, steamed chicken, char siew, stir fry prawns, tau yew pak, tee yang koi, woo tow kuih, acar, some assam fish, curry chilken. My saliva is dripping out already. Must really make a trip back to taste her good food come with care and lots of love. Hahaha no ajinomoto... ah and you can hear everyone's laughter after a very satisfying meal prepared by her. Form the Poh's kitchen- the best in ipoh and Malaysia.
Mum we love you ....... and will always be......................... from the heart of all your 10 siblings, daughter in law, son -in-law, grand-daughters, grand-sons, great-granddaughters & ??....................
Long life for all your good deeds- Mum .

Almost 5 years

2010-06-16T23:06:00.001+08:00

It's been almost 5 years since the first post.

The journey of life is a staged show.
Every one has a role to play.
We must not be too weak to let others decide our roles,
we must choose the role we want to play.
And played our roles with courage, commitment, and pride. Life is an unpredictable Journey.
However, no matter which course we take,
the end destination is always the same !
So, have a happy journey, and enjoy yourself!

Repost

A blessed life......

2010-01-13T14:02:00.004+08:00

At the roof top of the hospital, pondering my next treatment options ?

It's been a while since I last wrote in my web log. I went to Guangzhou China on December 8 2009 and came back on January 4th 2010. I was at Guangzhou's Fuda Cancer Hospital to receive some very “innovative” treatment to counter my pancreatic cancer. Unfortunately, in China, access to my web log and Facebook was blocked by the Chinese authorities. Over the next

few days, if I am not too tired, I will share about my treatment experiences in my web log.

Over the previous one month or so, for the first time, I missed my son's birthday, Christmas, and New Year Eve celebration. Instead, I spend all these important occasions in a hospital room with my wife in a hospital in China. I hope, next year this time, I will still be around, and not to miss celebrating these important occasions with my family members.

I remembered, few days before Christmas, A second procedure of cryosurgery was conducted on me, because, a week before, the first cryosurgery was not successful in freezing the whole lump of tumors ( measuring around 5CM x 6CM x 8CM). As a result, a second cryosurgery was carried out together with the planting of Iodine seeds to induce internal radiation to knock off the cancer cells. After the procedures, I was warded into the intensive care unit for overnight observation. Strange thing happened to me, although throughout the night I was in pain resulting in 3 jabs of pain killers every 4 hours or so to eliminate the arising pain. But it was not the pain that cause me to have a near emotional breakdown. Tears just flow freely, for a moment that seem like an eternity, I just felt so lonely, so helpless, and so weaken. Flashbacks of memories over the previous 15 months reminded me how fragile life is, and so much pains I had endured. And I simply just can not bear it anymore, I just do not want to

go throuhg all this life's encumbrances all over again ! For a moment, I just want to give up and move on to the so call promised land of the Almighty. But, there are so many things I had yet to accomplish. I still want to have the opportunity to see my princess, Jacy, and my son, Ivan, find their soul mates and start a family of their own, and hopefully, the Almighty grant me with the opportunity to hold their children on my laps. I also want to be able to age gracefully with my wife to enjoy growing old together. Everything seemed so near, yet so far !

But no matter what, I pray to the Almighty to grant me the strengths to endure and overcome all these pains, discomforts, and challenges to move on with life.

There is an old Chinese proverb that says “路遥知马力，日久见人心", translated, it means, “ you will only knows the endurances of your horse over a long journey, and likewise, you will know the loving kindness of a person over a long period of time”. Over the course of the

previous one and a half year or so, looking back, I believed, I had been enlightened with the wisdom to appreciate all the good and kind people around me. Friends and family members who rallied around me to give me the moral and material support during my encounters with these challenging periods. Of course, that goes without saying that, there are also some random and isolated few souls who betrayed and abused me during my times of difficulties. Not wanting to sound philosophical, but I do sincerely and honestly wanting to thank all these deceiveful people, because, without them, I would never realize and appreciate the loving kindness of so many people around me, who genuinely cares and concern about my well being.

With regards to my wife, she had traversed this journey of life together with me for more than a quarter of a century, from the icy winter land of Canada to the lush green tropics of my beloved Malaysia. With her, I had seen to the best of times, and I had also seen to the worst of times. Good times or bad times, she is aways by my side, supporting and assisting every step I take. I had in her, a good wife and a good soul mate. She also helped me to nurture my son into a responsible and well behaved young man. Along the way, she also “adopted” two goddaughters for me. These two princesses are Almighty's another greatest gift to me, and together with my son, my two princesses, they are my bundle of prides and joys. What else can a man asked but be graceful for what he has been given ? I am indeed blessed with a beautiful family !

( My family - Photo taken during August 2009)

I knows, as much I want to be optimistic about the outcome of treatments, I must also accept the reality of failures. Therefore, to improve my odds against the dreaded probability, I MUST BE STRONG mentally, and progressively works toward the re-establishment of my physical health. I promised my wife, I will age gracefully and grow old together with her. I hope the Almighty grants me that strength and dignity to fulfill this promise.

For better or for worst, come what may, I am destined to this blessed journey of life..........

A day at Hospis Malaysia's Daycare Centre

2009-12-03T21:09:00.004+08:00

For the previous few weeks, I spend a day a week at Hospis Malaysia's daycare centre to share experiences and to learn from others how they cope with the management of their chronic illnesses. Today I am too tired and too lazy to write. A picture speaks a thousand words, so I will let the following photographs do the talking......... :

" Free Hair Cut "

"Group Guided Exercises"

"Free Nutritious meals"

"Free hair Cut"

"Guided Exercises"

"Warm Water Foot Bath"

"Foot Massage"

"Bingo & Games"

Another decisive battle ahead.........

2009-12-02T01:17:00.004+08:00

I have been troubled by pains and discomfort at the abdominal and back areas for the past few days. At times, even doubling the dosages of pain killer doesn't help to alleviate the discomforts. At least, at this juncture of my journey, I am being reminded that, the road ahead is not going to be a smooth ride. I had not been on medications since I last completed my 3D conformal radio therapy in June 2009 with the exception of intake of Traditional Chinese Medicine over the previous three weeks to improve my overall immune system. Although, the past treatment protocols of chemotherapy and radiotherapy during the previous 12 months has managed to maintained and control the tumor, but the recent pains made me a bit worry that the cancer activities within me may turn active again and metastasized.

I realized, in fighting cancer, I am not on this journey to remain status quo. Fight, I must ! But I must also find new route to make my journey unpredictable and surprise the nasty cancer cells. I had been evaluating the option of seeking new treatment protocols from Fuda Cancer Hospital in Guangzhou, China over the past one week.

The type of treatments suggested by the hospital are :

If operable, using Cryosurgery to freeze the tumor directly.
Iodine seeds implantation to conduct local radiation inside the tumor.
Local chemo using a tube to look for the artery, to inject chemo drug directly into the tumor.
Immunotherapy to prevent metastasis and recurrence, slowing the growth of cancer, improving general health, and boosting the immune system after the effects of chemo therapy.

I am at this juncture of my precarious existence where I have to make a decision on my next course of action. Putting aside fears and emotionalities, I know, I need to have rationality and clarity of thoughts to take some calculated risks in my attempt to seek recovery of my health. Today, I have decided to pursue the option of seeking treatments in Fuda Cancer Hospital.

I booked my tickets and scheduled to fly to Guangzhou middle of next week, as well as a return ticket on the first week of January 2010. I will probably have to spend 30 days in the hospital. I know, this is not a holiday trip, this is a journey to seek recovery of health, and I do have my fears and anxieties over the medical procedures. For the time being, I will leave my emotionalities as it is. Over the next few days, I will have to organize some logistics to ensure my trip to Guangzhou does not encountered any hindrances. Honestly, I do felt like a helpless soldier, pondering his fate, while waiting to be transported to a war torn area to fight for a cause that he does not wished to be associated with. But like it or not, I must walk through this valley of fears, and show leadership to my children and family members that, when the going gets tough, the tough must gets going to overcome life's adversaries.

The hospital has estimated the medical costs to be around RM 60,000. It will probably costs me another RM 15,000 for 30 days of lodgings, foods, and traveling expenses. For the time being, I will used my overdraft facilities to finance this treatments. When I complete the treatments in January 2010, I hope I will be able to complete my second book “Living With Cancer”, where the proceeds from sales of the book would be able to recoup some of these medical expenses.

This is such a horrible journey to go through, I honestly felt so lonely and helpless. But I do look forward to be “cured” and come back as a healthy person. So, pray for me and wish me luck !!!!

The roads ahead......

2009-11-30T17:30:00.005+08:00

My sleep was interrupted at around 3 o'clock in the morning. The sudden and sharp tearing pains woke me up ! It can not be, because I took my pain killer before I went to bed, and the pain killer is supposed to last for 12 hours. In order not to make thing any more difficult for myself, I took another tablet of pain killer and waited for the soothing effect to sink it. I finally went back to sleep again at around 5 o'clock in the morning. Finally, I have a few hours of good sleep and woke up at around 9:00AM. But the pains came back again.

I did not get up from the wrong side of the bed this morning. But I woke up this morning with extremely foul mood and unbearable pains. I told myself, I must control my emotions in order not to make thing difficult for people surrounding me. I tried to bear with the discomforts associated with the pains, and finally, I guess the best strategy to counter this discomfort is to pop in another pain killer. But somehow, today seemed to be an odd day out. The pain pain killer doesn't seemed to work effectively. Well, I guess I will have to bear with it for the time being. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better for me.

I had been reading and trying to make a decision on whether to go for Cryosurgery with Argon Helium Knife and Iodine Seed Knife therapy. Well, the more I read, the more confused and indecisive I became. Well, I had been through so many type of treatment protocols during the past 12 months or so, and all these treatment have effectively control the cancer activities in my body, but the end result does not seemed to meet my expectation of elimination of the tumors and cancer cells. In a way, I feared the new treatment protocols may failed to meet my expectation again. I am so fed-up of living in daily pains and discomforts, and I really do not wish to see this negative aspects of life being prolong unnecessarily. Like it or not, I am at this juncture of my journey where I have to make another major treatment decision, and I do not have the luxury to procrastinate but to make quick decision. I pray that the Almighty can grace me with the wisdom to make the right decision again this time.

I was recommended to go through a combination of four types of treatment therapies :

Cryosurgery with Argon Helium Knife
Iodine Seed Knife Therapy
Immunotherapy, and
Vascular Interventional Therapy

These treatment protocols are not available in Malaysia. The hospital that has the facilities to perform this treatments is Fuda Cancer Hospital located in Guangzhou, China. I was advised by the hospital to stay there for a minimum of 30 days for the treatments to be performed. I know, this kind of treatments is going to be expensive, but I have faith that, when the time comes, the good Lord will make the necessary provisions.

Although, my present Oncologist does not recommend I go through these therapies, but honestly, beyond these new treatment protocols, I really do not have much options left. I am getting very fed-up with all the daily pains and discomforts. I can still cope with the pains and discomforts, but emotionally speaking, I am really not what I used to be, I am getting weaker and weaker to the point of giving up and breaking down. I do not want my family members to be burdened with my degrading state of emotional well being. And I really do not want to see the quality of my existence slowly degrading with each passing day.

I guess, there are really no other options but to commit myself to these new treatment protocols. Hopefully, after these treatments, my present Oncologist can take over from these treatment protocols and work out a maintenance strategy to improve and prolong the quality of my existence.

An annonymous person send me this song by Maria Carey – There is A Hero. I like this song, I think I will think of myself as a hero in this journey against cancer, and with the blessing of the Almighty, I shall emerge vitorious. Here goes the lyrics of the song :

Hero

There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid
Of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you
It's a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand
For you to hold
You can find love
If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt
Will disappear

Lord knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone
Tear them away
Hold on
There will be tomorrow
In time
You'll find the way

From the eyes of a deluded mind....

2009-11-24T10:36:00.006+08:00

The past few days had been a mentally exhaustive exercise for me. I research through the Internet and read up a lot of materials on Cryosurgery to assess its relevant as another option in fighting cancer. Yesterday, I forwarded my CT scan images and medical report to the hospital for them to assess my condition on the suitability of cryotherapy as a treatment for me. The hospital should be able to revert to me on the duration of admission, treatments protocols, and the total costs involved by end of next week. At the moment, although, financially I am almost at the brink of disaster, but this is the least of my worry now, I know, when the time comes, the good Lord will provide. So, I am keeping my fingers crossed that it will be an affordable and curative exercise for me.

Looking back, this whole “journey” I gone through has been a real adventure of enlightenments. As much as I was negatively affected by the emotional and physical disturbances, but I also acquired new skills and beginning to appreciate the habitat I am in in a different way. I self taught myself in Chinese calligraphy to smooth my trouble minds, and I also took up photography as a hobby to practice patience.

Over the period of the past 12 months, I took more than a thousand photographs. I am still learning to sharpen my skills. The followings are some of the pictures which I had taken :

"At the airshow TUDM 2009"

"The Middle Finger Salute"

"Famous Taiping Cendul"

"Bukit Tinggi"

"Taiping Lake Gardens"

"The Twins"

"the Orchid"

"The Thinking Monkey"

"The Eagle"

"The Butterfle"

"The Trinity"

Garden Flower"

Moving on.............

2009-11-23T11:18:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I asked myself, what does it take to beat the nasty Cancer ? I had been on this journey of enlightenment for more than a years, spend substantial financial resources, emotional reservation, and physical endurances to fight these nasty mutant cells. Looking back and taking stock of current situation, I am still at where I started. The tumor is still at its originally diagnosed size, and the CA19.9 marker is still out of the normal range. I guess, I am still no where near the victory mark. The only encouraging sign is, the cancer has not metastasized, and I am still standing on my two feet plotting strategy in my attempt to defeat those unwelcome invaders. I guess, the answer I am seeking lies within me.......

It is a very frustrating period for me, and emotionally, at times, I am almost at breaking point. However, I told myself, I had gone thus far, surrendering now is not an option. I will keep fighting till my last “drop of blood”. I honestly do not know how long I can go living with this state of anxieties, fears, and uncertainties. The only thing I can do now is to have faith in the doctors and medical team that attended to my treatment regime.

I have been praying to the Almighty for miracles, but frankly, I do not think the Almighty is capable to heal me. Well, my fellow Christian brothers and sisters may accused me of having lack of faith in the Almighty, but the truth of the matter is, I got to believe in facts not fallacies. So far, this Almighty fella has shown no capability to heal, he failed. It is now up to me to mentally prepare myself to be physically and mentally fit to fight this battle on my own. I must continue to remain strong and positive in my ability to make informed decisions and to keep fighting against all odds. I pray that the Almighty will not let me lose hope in the sacredness of life.

So far all the treatment protocols did not produced the desired result. I am disappointed, but like it or not, I got to move on with life, and manage my expectations from here. To stay positive, I need to move out from this cocoon of trapping myself in fearing failed treatment protocols. I need to have faith in the medical team to keep my cancer at bay and become a survivor to lead a normal active life.

I know, the journey ahead is not going to be any more easier than I first started. I did not bargained to put myself into this precarious situation. Believe me, it is not easy living in fear of the unknowns, but the cruelty of life is such, sometimes, like it or not, when you are at the receiving end, you got to stay even stronger to get out from the mess. For better or for worst, I need to stay calm and rational about every decision I am going to make, and I need to summon all my courage to instill a semblance of bravery into me to journey on.

A the end of the day, I may win, or I may lose this battle along this treacherous journey, but I want to be put on record that, I fought a good fight, and I had made all possible attempts to complete this journey. So, place a yellow ribbon on your desk to cheer me on..........

In search of another option ?

2009-11-18T15:09:00.002+08:00

I had been off medication since the completion of my radiotherapy in June 2009. My last visit to my regular Oncologist indicated that my CA19.9 marker has risen, and I agreed with the good doctor that I will be going for another CT scan to do positional review in first week of January 2010. After which I will have to decide, in consultation with the doctor, whether to proceed with another protocol of Chemotherapy.

I take note that my previous treatments protocols of IV chemotherapy, oral chemotherapy, and 3D Conformal therapy, and B17 alternative treatment did not produce the desired results. While waiting for my monthly check-up and the incoming CT Scan, I decided to try out Traditional Chinese Medicines (TCM). I visited the Traditional Chinese Medicines section of Tung Shin hospital to seek the alternative treatment. The Oncologist who attended to me is Prof Zhao Tiang Yong. Today is my second weekly visit to Prof Zhao office. Prof Zhao has prescribed a combination of herbs to be boiled ( with given instruction of how to prepare the dicotion). The dicotion is to be taken twice a day.

"The Prescription"

"The Herbs Medication"

I guess, as it is, I am almost running out of option to combat my existing health problem. As a sane man, I do have my fear and anxieties facing this state of uncertainty. Over the next few weeks, I have to seriously reconsider all options and make an informed decision on my next course of action.

I also did my own research on the Internet and found another option of using Cryotherapy to combat advanced stage cancer. Cryosurgery treatment is available at Fuda Cancer Hospital in Guangzhou, China. My brief research in Internet indicated that Cryotherapy is the application of liquid nitrogen using cryoprobe to target at the tumor to induce extreme cold to destroy the abnormal cancer issues. I will have to consult the doctor on the viability of this new option on my next scheduled appointment.

Jesus Christ is my only hope for healing ?

2009-11-13T11:29:00.003+08:00

I received an anonymous comment relating to my recent posting of “another disappointing day again...”

I am sorry I am not able to publish this Anonymous reader's comment in my blog. However, I do hope this anonymous reader, being a righteous Christian, can use his real name in future comments so that I can communicate with him as a Christian. In summary, the followings are some “advises”given by this “anonymous reader” :

Do not go for Chemotherapy
Do not use my nickname “Dalai Baru” as it is unchristian
Jesus Christ is my only hope for healing

Honestly, I would like to sincerely thank Anonymous for his advises. As much as I am over anxious in seeking healing for my current medical condition, I also need to be logical in my next step of action.

With regards to Chemotherapy, my take on this medical option is simple. I beeed through 7 rounds of intravenous chemotherapy and many months of oral chemotherapy. The experiences are horrible and at times humiliating. I also realized that, cancer is not just a normal chronic illness, but a horrible terminal illness. If I can do away with chemotherapies, I will avoid it at all costs. But, I am not a professional medical personnel competent in cancer cure, therefore, I will have to rely on qualified medical professional such as Oncologists or doctors for the advise on the best possible option that I can adopt to recover my health. I can not be that irresponsible to rely on the advises of people who are not qualify to offer medical and treatment advises. If my doctors advised me to go for Chemotherapy again as the next best option, then it is the necessary evil to adopt. I do hope, people who are not well versed or qualified in cancer treatments to refrained from offering inappropriate dangerous advises and insensitive comments.

I know, at the end of the day, I may not win this battle against cancer, BUT, at least, modern medicines can improve the quality of my daily existence in whatever number of days I am left with.

With regards to the usages of my nickname of “Dalai Baru” in my posting, I would like to emphasize again that, I had been using this nickname for years. If using this nickname is being perceived as “unchristian” or offensive to some Christians, then so be it. I do hope, these Christians, in their eagerness to portray themselves as super Christians of righteousness, they can refraied from imposing their narrow minded religious interpretations on others. It is a sin to live life as a hypocrites. For those Christians who still think that “Dalai Baru” as a nickname is unchristian, I would like to seek their understanding and interpretation of the term “Dalai Baru” first, before they go around criticizing other people's unchristianness. What next, do I have to discard my Chinese name and adopt a Christian name in order to be sounds like a Christian and looks like a Christians ? May the Almighty bless those misguided Christians to have basic respect for their own cultural roots, and be enlightened to be more knowledgeable and open minded.

I may not be feeling well, but I am not sicked in mind. I thank the Almighty for blessing me with a sound mind to see the hypocritness of some misguided minds. May the Almighty forgive them for their inapropriate insensitivities of their narrowmindedness.

Now, coming back to religiosity. Is Jesus Christ my only hope to secure cure and recovery of my health ? Prayer gave me hope and gave me a sense of direction, but beyond that, I got to be responsible for my own welfare. Honestly, in my quiet times and in the privacy of my dwelling, I had been praying to the Almighty for his blessing and grace. As much as I want to be spiritual about it, but I also need to be logical and rational about this whole medical fiasco I am in. As much as I want to have faith in the mighty Jesus Christ as my healer, I also need to have faith in modern medicines, the doctors, and medical personnel who attend to my treatments. I hope this position of mine will not be challenged by Anonymous as being having lack of faith in the mighty Jesus Christ.

May the Almighty bless all those people with the sensitivity, grace, and wisdom with qualified knowledge to offer qualified medical advises.

Praise the Lord !

Another disappointing day again......

2009-11-07T00:28:00.001+08:00

I had been having my monthly blood test for tumor marker for the previous 12 months. Yesterday was no exception. I went to the hospital laboratory in the morning for my blood sample to be taken, and made arrangement with the laboratory technician to have the result ready for my monthly consultation with the doctor this afternoon.

As usual, I was a bit anxious about the blood test result. I do really want to see some reduction in the CA19.9 cancer marker reading. I was a bit disappointed that the reading for the CA19.9 Cancer marker has gone up again compared to the previous month's reading. Well, I guess, over the previous 12 months, I had been through so many disappointments in term of my treatment outcomes. So, one more disappointment is not going break me. I will just have to take it in my stride and hope for the best.

I discussed with the good doctor that, most likely, if the situation does not improve by January 2010, I will have to go for another computer tomography scan to do a positional review, and seriously consider the option of another regime of chemotherapy. The doctor has recommended that the next round of chemotherapy may involve a combination of Germcitabine and Avastin. I told the doctor my reservation of using Germcitabine as the main formula, because previously, I been through seven rounds of chemotherapy using Germcitabine, and it doesn't seemed to work in bringing down the cancer marker readings and tumor size. However, I will leave the option open and cross the bridge when the time come. At the moment, my main concern is to increase my weight and prepare my body in good physical condition during the next two months, so that I can withstand another assault of chemo drugs in the event that this course of action is unavoidable.

As much as I want to maintain my positive outlook, but I also need to accept the reality of the current situation. For a start, I know, the pains and discomforts are getting more frequents and I will have to increase the dosages of pain killers to manage and minimize my pains and discomforts so that the quality of my daily existence is not eroded. Whatever it is, I got to keep myself busy so that I will not unnecessarily lapsed into too much negative thoughts and anxieties. More than 12 months have passed, but I realized, he journey of my recovery of health has just began ! Metaphorically speaking, for better or for worst, I already dug my trenches, I will fight this battle with all my determinations. I pray that he Almighty can grant me the strength, wisdom, and grace to fight and overcome all those nasty cancer cells in my body.

Physically, I noticed, my body has been significantly weakened due to all those treatment protocols and lack of nutritions resulting from lack of appetites. Emotionally, I realized, people surrounding me has been treating me DIFFERENTLY, as seemed that I may drop dead suddenly, or perhaps, may be, I am over sensitive in this aspect.

I had been trying very hard to arrest my declining weight by forcing myself to eat as much as I can. Luckily, my weight has been stabilized over the previous one month or so. My immediate objective is to attempt to increase my body weight over the next two months to prepare myself for next round of treatment protocol.

I also told my loved ones that, although, I am not feeling well, but I do not want to be treated like a sicked person. I really do not want to be a burden to anybody, and emotionally, it is also very stressful for me to be in a state of awareness that I attracted all these unwelcome attentions. Those thoughts, attitudes, and perception of cancer by people surrounding me can, at times, prevent me from wanting to live my life as it is. Life must go on, as NORMALLY as possible.

I went through a period of, from shock to fear, from fear to acceptance, and finally from acceptance to adaptation.. Emotionally speaking, I had been through so much roller coaster rides dealing with the treatment regimes, with people surrounding me, and with the priorities of my life. Suddenly I begin to realize, life is indeed precious to me. I am beginning to appreciate the little things in my habitat. As much as I want to live my life to the fullest for the day, I also begin to look forward to the next day. And I really appreciate the opportunity to smell the flowers, and even enjoy the chirping sounds of the birds in my garden. Life is indeed beautiful ! Perhaps, the Almighty in his wisdom put me into this predicament in order to enlighten me to focus my life into this new perspective. The finality of life may seemed to be near, but I still have a choice of how I want to live my life, how I want to be remembered, how I can make this world a better place for all, and how I want to inspire others in the same predicament as me to live a better life than me.

Well, the journey ahead is going to be very challenging, but I know, it is going to be very interesting and enlightening as well. I shall emerged from this journey stronger and a better man.

Praise the Lord !

A trip down memory lane......

2009-11-04T11:43:00.007+08:00

Taiping Coffee

I was persuaded by my ex-classmate, Muzzafar, to visit my old school in Taiping. Muzz and I were classmates at SMK King Edward VII School in 1977 & 1978. Together with my Kampungmate, Chee, we traveled back to Taiping on Oct 28th 2009. Chee is a younger brother of another of my classmate. He is a successful abstract artist and owned a studio in Kota Damansara. I used to joked with him that, one piece of his painting can fetch the price of an apartment in uptown Kuala Lumpur.

We left Subang Jaya at around 11:00AM and reached Taiping at around 2:30PM, Checked into my usual Panorama Hotel to freshen up before we proceed to our next event of the day..

For our “tea break”, we went to have a bowl of our regular Jemeema's cendul – those unforgettable and distinctive taste and fragrance ice cold dessert ! We actually also plan to savor the Malay Assam Laksa near the cendul store, but luck was not on our side. The mobile Assam Laksa store was not there on that day.

After finishing our delicious cendul, Chee suggested that there is another good Laksa store near the Pokok Assam's police station. We drove there to satiate our urge for the spicy and sourish noodle.

After finishing the laksa, on our way to pick up our car to go back to the hotel, I notice a very run down single storey wooden building diagonally across the police station. I remembered, in my younger days, this run down building used to be a clinic offering free medical care to the village folks. The building used to be in green colour. My late mother used to use bicycle to ferry to the clinic to seek medical care whenever I am not feeling well. The building is now in such a neglected state, what a waste.

We went back to the hotel at around 6;00pm and decided to have dinner at the hotel at around 8:00pm. After that, we adjourned to the nearby mamak coffee shop to have the tarik and roti canai. We called it a day slightly after mid night.

The next day, after having a light breakfast at the mamak coffee shop, we went to the school at around 7:30AM.

We were welcomed by the school principal, the parents teachers association members, and some members of the old boys association. After signing the guest book and some chit chat at the principal's office, we were ushered to the assembly ground where the “Majlis colours Day” were held.

After speeches by the principal, the president of the parents teachers association, and the president of the old boys association, I presented my speech also. While I was on the rostrum looking at the students assembled in the field, I suddenly realized, more than 30 years ago, I was also standing at the same spot looking out to the podium wondering where I would be in the years to come. Well, it looks like I had went round the globe and back to my alma mater to seek acknowledgement that, at least I completed a loop in my journey of seeking enlightenment.

The following was my speech :

Good morning to the honorable emcee, the respectable principal of SMK King Edward VII, Mr. Yahya Bin Liman, the worthy YDP of PTA, Tuan Haji Ali Akhbar, the honorable President of the Old Edwardian Association, Taiping, Mr. Mohaideen, senior assistants, teachers and beloved students.

I would like to extend my appreciation on the willingness of the Colours Day Celebration Committee to invite me to this meaningful event. I would also want to congratulate the school administrators and all the SMK King Edward VII committee for successfully continuing the Colours Day tradition annually. This event is really significant to all the students who have contributed in upholding the good name of the school in the co-curriculum fields involving sports, games and uniform unit at the district, state and national level.

My fellow young tigers,

Colours Day is a very prestigious event which is held only by certain elite premier schools in our country. As far as my knowledge is concerned, SMK King Edward VII Taiping is the only school in the district of Larut Matang and Selama which successfully celebrates the event every year.

Here, I would like to congratulate those students who are awarded with the Full Colour Award and Half Colour Award for their excellent achievement in the co-curriculum activities. I wish that the accomplishment attained will motivate other students to put more efforts towards the success in the co-curriculum fields they engaged in.

Ladies and gentlemen,

In his speech just now, the Principal did explained about the success accomplished by the students in the domain of sports, games, uniform unit and societies. We are so proud that the good name of this school is highlighted at both state and national level. It is undeniable that SMK King Edward VII is a premier school that is not only well-known in the Larut Matang and Selama District but also in the Perak state. SMK King Edward VII is a warrior and champion in the sport like rugby, and the great name of the school is enough to frighten the opponents in any competition. May this tradition of excellence remain in the coming years.

My fellow young tigers,

Let me digress a bit, about a year ago, I was diagnosed with advanced stage Cancer of the Pancreas. The doctor has quietly told me that I had less than 6 months of sands left in my hour glass. When the carpet was suddenly pulled from under my feet, I was alone and in despair, but the Tiger spirits within me fought back and roared. Today, more than 12 months later, I am still standing in front of all you living my life to the fullest. You know why ? Because we are all Tigers. The road ahead maybe difficult, but a true tiger will never quit, always fight back with dignity and pride to overcome life's obstacles and adversaries.

Under the shadow of this great name, SMK King Edward VII, you are privileged to be given opportunities to acquire a sound educational and character building foundation. I believe, this acquired foundation shall prepare you to be Greater Than Before, and shall stand you in good stead in the years ahead to bring glories to the school and to yourselves.

Before I end my speech, I would like to take this opportunity to wish good luck to all the SPM and STPM candidates. For the form 3 students who have just finished their PMR, I wish that all of you may pass the tough exam with flying colours.

I would also like to advise all the students to balance their involvement in the co-curriculum activities by not neglecting their academics. There is no easy path to success. Every dream and success requires efforts and high fighting spirit.

Last but not least, , I launch the Colours Day Celebration today.

Thank you.

After the speeches, certificates and colours were presented to the students who excelled in sports and co-curriculum activities.

After the ending of the Colours Day ceremony, I was invited to officially launch the new scout den. In my younger days, I was an active scout in the school. So, I was more than happy to officiate the new scout den.

After completing the “business” in the school, we went to another famous cendul store in Taiping – Ansari Cendul, to have another bowl of cendul before we hit the road to go back to Subang Jaya.

To Muzz, Eng Hong, Alex, Siva, and Mohaideen, thank you very much for making trip to Taiping memorable for me.

Magni Nominis Umbra, I shall be Greater Than Before..............

The myth of cancer cure....

2009-10-21T13:00:00.003+08:00

Times and again, I was told by well intended people that, in order to better my chances of survival against cancer, I must alter the pH balance of my cells environment. In other words, I must put more “Alkalinity” into my body because cancer cells can not survive in alkaline environment.

In this regards, I had been introduced “Alkaline supplements” to create a “less acidic” body condition so that my body environment is less friendly to cancer cell. It really amazed me that, there are so many over enthusiastic sales personnel from direct sale companies suddenly became so eloquent about cancer cure. Mind you, these people are not medically trained, but will always tried to convince and confuse you with their “cure all” supplements with all sort of conspiracy theories of large pharmaceutical companies suppressing their so called “proven” alternative cures. Sometimes, I do wish all these peddlers of “Cancer cure supplements” can be enlightened with ethic, less driven by profit motivation, and blessed with basic medical knowledge to cause less harm to cancer patients.

The great scholar and philosopher, Confucius, once said “ A little bit of knowledge is very dangerous”. While I am not denying the fact that there are many researches that concluded that high alkalinity inhibits growth of cancer cells, but these researches are done in laboratory condition ! Our human body is a very complex chemistry driven eco system. It is virtually impossible to alter cell environment to derive high alkalinity condition by taking “alkaline liquid or supplement”.

In fact, our body is chemically conditioned to obtain balance by excreting any excess acidity or alkalinity through urine and sweats. So, as an educated man with a sound mind, I don't think by intensively taking supplements or alkaline liquids is going to improve the chances of cure for cancer. As a cancer patient, I hope, our Ministry of Health can come up with guideline to regulate the over enthusiastic of direct sales companies to prevent further misinformation of their hocus pocus alternative cures.

So, the question is, “Can cancer be prevented or cured by intensely taking alkaline liquids or supplements ?” I don't think so ! So, if next time you are approach by person claiming otherwise, please take the person's calim with a bucket of salts. My take on this is, to minimize the risk of cancer and to improve the chances of recovery, perhaps, we should not deny ourself evidence based treatment protocol, maintain a healthy lifestyles by having regular exercises to improve the oxygen intake into our body, eat everything in moderations, eat more fruits and vegetables and less processed foods, consult your doctor and don't miss your annual medical check-ups, and most important of all, be more jovials to lead a less stressful life.

And, lastly, if you are strickened with cancer, it caused no harm to seek spiritual comforts in the Almighty., by faith, the Almighty is our ultimate healer !

Life goes on....

2009-10-08T13:06:00.003+08:00

It's been more than a year since I was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer. In addition to the dreaded treatment protocols such as chemotherapy, radiation therapy, etc,, daily pains and discomforts has become part and parcel of my daily existence. Not wanting to sound perverted, I am beginning to get used to these pains and discomforts. I guess, that is the normal price to pay for wanting to prolong the life. The only option I have now is to find ways to improve the quality of my existence.

I am blessed to be able to enjoy good medical services to help me cope with the management of living with cancer. On this score, I would like to thank Dr Tan Meng Kuan of TungShing hospital for making chemotherapy less painful for me, Dr John Low of Pantai Medical Centre for managing my present treatment strategies such as oral chemo, radio therapy, etc., Dr SY Loh of University Malaya for advising me on qualitative aspect of my remaining life, and Hospice Malaysia for helping me to cope with symptoms management. I am also greatly indebted to my family members for their understanding and untiring efforts to provide care to me. Indeed, I thank God for given me the opportunity to receive the best medical care, a loving family to take care of me during my times of distress, and my friends for providing me with moral support. One undeniable fact is, modern medicine, while not completely able to knock off the cancerous tumor in my body, but it does significantly lessen my discomforts and greatly improve the quality of my remaining existence. The Almighty with his amazing grace has provided me with abundances ! Praise the Lord.

In late September 2009, I visited my hometown, Taiping. The foods, as usual, are as fantastic as always. The Lake Gardens, the Burmese Pool, my alma mater, and various other places of interests, are also as beautiful as always. I hope they will be forever beautiful as long as the Taiping Hills stand. I hope I can be given more opportunities to visit my home town as often as I want.

The Taiping Lake Gardens

Taiping War Cemetery

A pre-merdeka tri-cycle

My Alma Mater

I went back to good doctor last week for my scheduled consultation. The blood test indicated that my CA19.9 marker has increased compared to last month's result, but the doctor advised me not to unduly worry about the latest result. The doctor advised me to come back for another consultation in a month's time. In the mean time, the doctor gave me the green light to eat whatever I want, have my regular coffee, enjoy my cold beer as often as I want, and enjoy my life !

My main concern now is, since the completion of my radiation therapy, I lost a lot of weight, probably due to lack of appetites. I am now weight only 56Kg compared to my pre-radiation therapy's weight of 75KG. So, the immediate objective is to bring my weight back to around 70Kg before I consider new treatment protocol. At the moment, the doctor has not prescribed any maintenance medications for me. For the time being, I am taking a dicotion of herbal drinks on alternate day. It is basically a combination of garden herbs consists of 黑面将军 (Strobilanthes crispus), 爬樹龍 (Rhaphidophora decursiva), 甜 (Stevia rebaudiana), 四方藤 (Caulis Cissi Hexangularis), 紅田鳥 (Alternanthera sissilis), and 白鶴靈芝 (Rhinacanthus nasuta).

Yesterday evening, while brushing my teeth, I broke a tooth. Well, after months of aggressive treatment, my teeth are becoming brittle. I got to be more careful in brushing my teeth in the future. This morning, I went to the local dentist to assess the damage. The dentist took half an hour and managed to reconstruct my broken tooth, and it costs only RM 80 ! A job beautifully done.

I am now writing my second book, “Conversations with CK – Living with Cancer”. I hope to complete the draft for final editing by January 2010. The proceeds from the sales of this book will go into charity, most probably an orphanage. In the mean time, I am still sourcing for sponsorship to cover the costs of editing, design, and production. I hope the funding can come in during these two months. I have faith that the Almighty will made the necessary facilitations to ensure success of this small project.

Praise the Lord......

A small mission accomplished......

2009-09-25T21:39:00.004+08:00

In my posting on February 18 2009 ( Memories... ), I blogged about the demolished Scout Den in my Alma Mater. I was a bit disappointed that the scout den was demolished by the school authority due to termite problems. I made a pledge to myself then to rebuilt the scout den for the school.

With the help of some ex school mates both in Taiping and Selangor, I managed to solicit some funds and support to to kick start the rebuilding of the scout den.

Last week, I went back to visit the school, and was indeed very pleased to learned that the Scout den has been rebuilt, and I was told that, the Scout Master who is also an Arts teacher is making arrangement to make mural painting on the wall to make it more presentable.

All in all, approximately RM 17,000 was spent on this small project including the building, portable tents, and other scouting equipments. I do sincerely hope the young boys in the school can make full use of the facilities for better scouting activities.

Now that I have accomplished this little mission, I will now refocusing writing my second book - Life's Monologue : Living with Cancer. Hopefully, I can complete this book by January 2010.....

As I see it.....

2009-09-15T12:24:00.002+08:00

I felt very sad to learn that, Patrick Swayze died at the age of 57 on September 14, 2009. He was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer in January 2008. Since I was diagnosed with cancer in September 2008, I followed closely his 20 months battle with cancer. In addition to subject himself to various treatments, he remain positive and keep his heart,soul, and spirit open to miracles, but sadly, miracle eluded him. I can understand the level of pains he went through, perhaps, death is the ultimate escape from the physical miseries inflicted by the dreaded illness. May he rest in peace.

As I see it, cancer is a dreaded disease. For previous 12 months, in my search to seek cure for my illness, the so called modern medicines also subjected myself to endure so much unbearable pains and discomforts. I also have to endure the humiliation and anxieties of the various treatment procedures. On the spiritual side, I am also constantly being disturbed by some misguided souls who advised me to abandon treatment and seek the healing miracles of prayers to the Almighty. Initially, I went for prayers after prayers, and eventually realized that, these are all futile exercises. My take on these is, healing comes from within, and it got nothing to do with the Almighty, and I sincerely do not think the Almighty is capable to heal sicknesses. Ever wonder why there are so many deaths from illnesses all over the world ? I guess, when we are healthy and wealthy, we can always praise the lord for blessing us with health and wealth, but when we are sick, it is every man his own ! We got to believe in ourself to seek cure and move on with life.

At times, as the intensity of the level of pains increased, I resigned myself to the fact that I am fighting a losing battle. It is not that I am not positive or give up easily, but, I am only a human being unaccustomed to all these new found pains, discomforts, and sufferings, and there is a threshold on how much I can take. In my attempt to prolong my life, is it worth it if this prolong life span is tainted with pains and degradations ? Although I count myself lucky to be surrounded by caring family members and friends, but when dealing with this terminal illness, it is about me and how I deal with my fear of the eventualities. I do not think my family members and friends understand my state of minds, because I myself, at times, also wandering and lost in my own state of confusions. Sometimes, I do wonder whether it would be better off for me and my family members if I just end it – no more sufferings, no more fears, no more uncertainties, and most important of all, I am no more a burden to my loved ones.

Coming back to reality, I know, I can not be so irresponsible to neglect the emotional well beings of my loved ones. The least I can do now, is to keep fighting like a warrior and not to let them down. I will continue to keep my mind and heart open to miracles. I walked through the most difficult patch of my life during the previous 12 months, from now on, how much tougher can it be ? Perhaps, I will be lucky soon. I know, as long as I stay clear of negative emotions and never give up, I will eventually find a way to overcome.

Praise the lord.....

It's been a year...........

2009-09-09T22:56:00.006+08:00

I went back to see the doctor the previous week for assessment of my CT scan result. The good doctor told me that the scan image indicated that there is no changes in size in the tumor size. His assessment is, the cancer activities is under controlled, and he is quite happy with the result. Happy with the result ? Well, I don't know what to say. After going through One and a half month of daily radiotherapy and oral chemo, I was a bit disappointed that the latest treatment regime was not successful in shrinking the tumor. But on the other hand, the consolation is, the cancer tumor marker reading has been substantially reduced, and it has not spread to other vital organs. I guess that is the prelude to a longer haul battle to regain my health. Well, I guess if the good doctor is happy with my progress so far, I will have to have faith in him to manage my treatment regime. The doctor has also given me another month of “medical leave” before I check in to the hospital again for consultation, assessment, as well as giving the allowance of time to figure out what is my next treatment regime.

This month is September month. A few months before September 2008, I was having some minor constipation issues, minor tummy upsets, and began to loose weight. After many visits to the doctor, I was shocked with the news that a 5CM tumor was detect at my pancreas! One year has passed, and I am still seeking treatment to overcome this health predicament ! Looking back, it has been a painful, scary, and difficult period for me during the previous one year. But, on the other hand, I also realized, it has also been an amazing journey of enlightenment and self discoveries.

I was indeed a blessed person with so many good friends and family members that cares about my well being. I was also indeed very lucky that the good Lord has provided for me to afford my medical bills. In his amazing way, the good Lord has guided me to live one day at a time, and provided me with abundances.

I read the statistic that said that patient with pancreatic cancer has less than 5% chance of surviving more than 5 years. I know, the odds are heavily stacked against me. But honestly speaking, over the previous one year, I had never loose hope in my ability to regain my health. Deep down in me, I know I am not sick, I am just having symptoms of this chronic illness. I will have to keep trying to get rid of these symptoms by putting my best foot forward to climb the stairs of recovery. The symptoms of illness may dent my physical body, but one thing for sure, they can never dent my spirit, my hope, my faith, and my determination to get well and to restore my life back to normalcy.

It is a lonely journey in my fight against cancer. As bad as I felt about the chances and statistic, but I am also determined to beat the odds and I am going to survive this ordeal !!!!

Another longest Day.....

2009-08-25T20:25:00.001+08:00

I was admitted to the hospital last Friday for CT Scan and Lab test. This morning, I went back to the hospital to see the doctor for consultation and assessment. I was at the Hospital at around 10:00AM and waited for more than 3 hours before I managed to see the good doctor. Well, three hours is usually not a long period of time to wait, but for me, it seemed like a long time. I was very anxious about the scan result and the blood test specifically. I was worried the CT scan may gave negative result of the tumor being enlarge and spread to other vital organs. I was restless and over eager to get the consultation with the doctor over with as soon as possible. After all, waiting for the doctor to present the scan and test result is like waiting for my immediate fate to be display on the table.

Much to my disappointment, when I finally met up with the doctor, I was told that, the CT Scan result is not yet available for assessment. So, I have to go back to the hospital next week for assessment and to work out the next treatment strategy. The only good news I received this morning was, the CA19.9 tumor marker has dropped from the previous 1970 to 524, a drop of approximately 70%. It basically indicate that the cancer cells activities is now on a decreasing trend and is not that active anymore.

My weight for the previous one month has been stabilized in the region of 60Kg. My immediate objective for the next one month or so is to manage and increase my weight to around 75Kg before I consider the next treatment strategy. As it is, at 60Kg, it is kind risky for me to embark on new treatment strategy because any side effect resulting from new treatment protocol may further reduce my weight from 60Kg to a dangerous level. The good doctor basically also agreed with my strategy of improving my weight and nutrition first before new treatment protocol is implemented.

As usual, since the tumor is still there, I am still encountering the daily discomforts of abdominal and back pains. I have not been taking pain killer for more than three months now. I am already adapted to the level of pain, and the pain is more manageable and predictable nowadays. I guess this is another positive sign that the tumor and cancer cells activities are slowly and surely degenerating into passive state.

After almost one year of trying out various treatment protocols, I was a bit disheartened to know that there are not much significant progress in terms of reducing the size of the tumor. For the time being, I have to be realistic to accept the fact that, perhaps, the best option for me to consider now, is to adopt a maintenance strategy for status quo in an attempt to prolong my life and at the same time to treat whatever arising symptoms to minimize discomfort. Honestly, I am at a lost for what to do next. Perhaps, the good Lord with his amazing grace will show me the way and guide me........................

Wednesday's rantings.....

2009-08-20T17:10:00.001+08:00

Since the new Prime Minister came into power in this Bolihland, there has been too many burpings of support for 1Malaysia. Frankly speaking, I do not know what is all this 1Malaysia thingy all about, and I sincerely do not wish to know anything more about it either. As far as I am concern, and take it from this dying old man, this political sloganeering are basically to sustain the stay of power for the new regime, and for the ignoramus like us to gain a little bit of self satisfaction of fantasizing something that are never meant to be.

Honestly, asked ourselves one simple question. Are we prepared to accept the fact that equal treatments must be accorded to all Malaysians irregardless of ethnicities and religions ? As long as majority of Malaysians are still indecently incapable to respect the basic tenets of universal human rights, all these shouting of “1Malaysia” are oohing but farting in the winds.

Maybe we are more ready for 1MalaysiaL instead of 1Malaysia............

About more than a month ago, I sold my unit trusts which I bought from a local investment bank many years ago. They told me, payment will be made and send to my physical address within 10 days. I waited, and more than one and a half month later, I still have not received my payment. So I called them to enquire the payment status. Mind you, talking to their customer service personnel would put any mild temper person's blood pressure shooting through the roof. I don't know whether these people acted dumbly or trying to be evasive. They love to put you on hold until the line is cut off. When I finally get through to the so called “right person”, it was three days later. I was shock to found off from the “right person” that payment has already been made, and I was told that he need time to investigate. From the tone of his voice, it sounds like he is trying to delay payment and hoping that I will not call back to request for payment. Well, dealing with this type of local bank, the best strategy is to raise your voice , shout obscenities to them, and give them ultimatum. And it works, a day later, the bank call me up to say that my cheque is now ready for collection. Hmmmmm..... I shake my head. Well, 1MalaySiaL at its best !!!!

This morning, I went to Taipan USJ to have my breakfast, after the breakfast, I went to retrieve my car, and unfortunately, there is a car irresponsibly parked behind my car, the driver was nowhere to be seen, thus obstructing me from reversing out. I waited for about 20 minutes, finally, one Chinese woman walked out from one of the shop and arrogantly pointed to the car to indicate that the car that obstruct my car belongs to her. She didn't even bother to offer an apology for causing inconvenience to me. So, I approached her to ask her not to simply park her car to cause inconvenient to others in the future. What surprised me most is, this uneducated Chinese woman told me not to tell her how to park her car, according to her, she has “connection” to all the MPSJ ton council !!!! Well, what do you say to this type of uneducated asshole ? So calmly, I told her “ Ah koo, listen to me carefully, I am only going to say this once. FUCK YOU & FUCK OFF ! Now go get your MPSJ connections to issue me a summon” Now I understand why our infamous MACC is investigating our State Executive Councilor, Mr Ronnie Liu, for connection to gangsterism. Well, is this another 1 MalaySial at its best...... ?

Night cometh....

2009-08-18T12:46:00.005+08:00

On the bed I lie,
hallucinating in contentment of blissful solitude.
I saw myself wandering and riding the breezy winds,
twinkling high up against the dark night skies,
sparkling on wide open sea with never ending horizon.
My heart fills with pleasure,
my mind fills with never ending glee and hope.
Delightfully, I was drowned in enjoyment and desires,
for once, I reigned supreme in this free realm of nirvana.

When I ceased to be,
would I be in this state of serene illusion perpectually ?
The teary pains brought me me back to reality !
I saw papa smiling at me,
it was the saddest smile I ever saw !
I am still trying to grasp what is my state of mind,
and what was attacking me from within,
that put me in this state of illusion.

Reminiscing the past,
I realized, I am not what I wanted to be !
To my wife, a husband I was but never a lover.
To my children, a father I was but never a friend.
I am sorry.......

Life is, but a sweet dream I slept ?

City in the Heaven ?

2009-08-14T23:36:00.005+08:00

This mind is alert,
with a spirit that is still strong.
Oh Almighty, be with me,
for the determination is slowly dying,
and this temple is too run down for the holy spirits....

August month,
reminds me of the falling maple leaves.
Those beautiful golden yellow maple leaves,
I used it as bookmarks, and they gave me a sense of serenity,
of man's poetic appreciation of the finality of nature.
In death, would we be able to leave behind a natural legacy,
to be appreciated by those who come after us ?

The clock within my heart ticks,
reminding me of life slowly turning yellow,
just like the fallen golden yellow maple leaves.
Sooner or later, the desire to fight shall withered.
And the body shall be too lame to march on,
in this so called journey of life.
And eventually, would I be a bookmark in memories....

I lived a good life with no regret.
But now I see a future shrouded in haze,
the sounds of burial chants ring in my ears from a far distant.
I now see the calmed open arm of the wide sea beyond the river mouth.
Is there where the promised city of the Almighty reigns ?

Oh Almighty,
as I walk this challenging journey,
would you help, heal, and bless along the traveled path ?
Let there be no more pains and sufferings,
and let my soul return to that promised blessed abode......

The thing called cancer....

2009-08-03T23:04:00.005+08:00

This journey,
a road that has been traveled by many,
but never survived.

This journey,
is also a road that less traveled by many,
but never comprehend.

This journey,
a journey into my soul,
a road to discover what I am made of.
If this journey is cut short,
Could I still claim victory with pride and dignity ?

This is a journey through the valley of the death,
an ultimate challenge for the brave and steadfast soul.
In the illusion of my mind,
I saw fiery fire, red skies, and sea of blood.
The bitter winds whisper my name,
urging me to give up and abandon the journey,
to take the short cut to the tempting paradise.

Mama was waving at me,
She said,
“Son, you have gone thru' enough.
Come home, to take your needed rest”

But I know, this is not a journey to paradise,
for the heavenly paradise is a place I am not ready for !
I still have my purpose on earth.
I still want to see my children have families of their own,
I still want to hold my children's children on my lap...
I know, time is running out,
but I will hold on to my last breath,
'till my wish come true...

Fighting Cancer ?

2009-08-02T18:55:00.003+08:00

One year ago, my weight was 102Kg, this is me now, my weight has been reduced to less than 60 Kg ! My spirit is still strong, my mind is still alert, but, my body has been physically degraded due to various injection, consumption, exposure to chemical abuses and radiation. Do you think I can still win this battle against CANCER ?

I will, I will, for now.......

Oh Almighty, you made a lot of promises, but did you fulfilled them ? I think you are one hell of a funny pervert......

Anti ISA Demonstration in Kuala Lumpur

2009-08-02T15:46:00.003+08:00

"Oh God, please help us," one of the mothers was heard calling out. About a few metres away from her was a young man with blood all over his head, cut by the tear gas canister that hit him. - Malaysian Insider

Home Minister Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Hussein, in an immediate reaction to the rally, showed no sympathy towards those brutalised by the police, saying they had been forewarned not to join the rally. -- Malaysian Insider

Minister in the Prime Minister’s Department Datuk Seri Nazri Aziz said there was no way the government was going to repeal the ISA, declaring that "as long as BN rules, the law stays." - Malaysian Insider

Cry, My Beloved Country, CRY !!!!!!

Bits & Bytes (8)

2009-07-28T17:19:00.001+08:00

I completed 30 sessions of 3DCRT last week. As a follow-up, I consulted th doctor today on my next course of action.

The good news is, the blood test result showed a further drop of the CA19.9 marker from 2899 to 1970. A drop of 32%. The negative sign is, my weight now has gone below 60kg. Compared to my previous weight of 102kg, I have lost almost 50kg over period of one year. Hmmm..... Almost half of me has gone, I am indeed not half the man I used to be. I guess I need to go to the departmental store to buy new clothes !

Anyway, I do hope the CA19.9 marker can continue to drop to within normal rang soon. And, I am also equally hopeful that, the latest marker reading is an indication of the reduction in size of the tumor.

The doctor has recommended that I take a one month “break” in receiving treatment. I will be admitted to the hospital again at end of August 2009 for further medical procedure such as CT Scan, Lab diagnostic, etc. to assess my status and to plan for next round of strategy. For the time being, the good doctor told me that everything is under control, and I should make use of the month long break to enjoy whatever I want to do.

I have gone through seven rounds of intravenous chemotherapy, 4 months of targeted drugs, one round of alternative treatment protocol, and as well as the recent combination of oral chemo together with radiation therapy. I know, all these treatments, medications, and procedures during the last 12 months have inflicted heavy damages on my body. Not wanting to sound pessimistic, but the rational side me has the expectation that the road ahead is not going to be any more easier than my current state of uncertainty. What I can do now is not to b too anxious of what lies ahead, but rather to take stock of my current situation, and get myself ready for the battle ahead. What I really need to do now is to arrest my declining weight and strengthen my body over the next 30 days or so, so that I am physically fit to combat those nasty mutant cells again when the I resume my next treatment protocol in about a month's time.

Looking back, I used to take pride in myself for having control and always in the driver seat for whatever I want to do. While my mind is still alert and my spirit is still strong, but physically, this cancer thingy has slowly and surely inflicted degradations on my body. I fainted a few times while doing a simple chores like climbing the stairs, and even fell down while walking because I lost control of my left leg. A man is suppose to be the pillar of the family, I really do not want to lose my dignity by becoming a burden to my family members. I guess the only way for me to overcome this unwelcome situation is by having greater determination and will to win this battle against my present chronic illness. I hope the Almighty does not forsake me again, but to give me the guidance and strength to overcome the challenges ahead.

So, what am I going to do during this “medical break” ? Well, I will do some traveling, write my journal, and sharpening my photography skills. Perhaps, I will take this opportunity to live life as it is, one day at a time, smell the flowers, and appreciate the creations of the Almighty.

Praise the Lord, and may all beings be well and healthy........

Bits & Bytes (7)

2009-07-24T14:50:00.000+08:00

Finally I completed 30 sessions of 3DCRT over a period of six weeks. After the radiation therapy this morning, I went to the hospital lab to have blood sample taken for blood test. Hopefully, the blood test result can be ready for my next weekly consultation with the doctor.

I will have to go for another round of CT scan some times in September 2009 to assess the performance of th radiation therapy. My appointment with the doctor next week is to discuss on the maintenance strategy while awaiting the CT scan. Hopefully, the doctor I don't have to for another round of chemotherapy again !

Although I completed my last radiation therapy session today, but somehow, I do not feel relief or happy that the whole treatment protocol is over. Back in my mind, I am thinking, what next ? What other endurance tests, anguish, or frustrations I have to go through again ? Well, dealing with this cancer thingy is such a horrible and painful affair. There are simply too many uncertainties to deal with. So far, I believe I have dealt with all these emotional and physical issues with certain level of dignity, but I do wonder, how much more longer I can hold on dealing with all those frustrations and uncertainties. I thank the Almighty for giving me the strength to live on and move on with life..

When I was first diagnosed with this illness, one of my main worry is me being not able to see my son finish his college education. But by the grace of Almighty, he managed to complete his undergraduate course on schedule, and started his career in a software house. I look forward to attend my son convocation to mark a milestone into is adulthood. My son's convocation is in mid August 2009. I guess, the right thing for me to do now is to find a way to built up my physique and weight so that I won't look like a walking skeleton during his graduation ceremony. I want him to have good memory of his father in a healthy frame rather than having a picture with a frailed and sicked looking father. I have 3 more weeks to go to gain the needed extra weight. I hope I can look healthy again at his graduation ceremony.

May all beings be well and healthy........

Bits & Bytes (6)

2009-07-22T14:56:00.004+08:00

Today, I received my 28th session of 3DCRT. 2 more sessions to go before I complete this treatment protocol. Time flies, it's been almost six week of radiation therapy and oral chemo for me. What next ? Well, I got to complete the remaining 2 sessions, go for the blood test, then consult the good doctor next week on the next best strategy to combat those nasty cancer cells.

I received my blood test result and consulted the doctor yesterday. Overall, after dumping all those toxic chemical into my system, the blood test result indicate that my liver is still functioning normally. With regards to the CA19.9 Tumor Marker, the reading now stands at 2899. Compared to the previous week's reading of 4618, the marker reading has dropped a further 37%. Overall, compared to the initial marker reading of 15229 on 19/06/2009, the marker reading has dropped 81%. I do hope the remaining sessions of 3DCRT and oral chemo can finished off those nasty cancer cells and pull the marker reading to the normal range. I guess the latest marker reading basically indicates that there is a decreasing trend of cancer cells activities in my body. I do hope this decreasing marker reading result in proportional reduction in size of the tumor at my pancreas.

Although my appetite is still a concern to me, but there are also some positive indications over the previous 10 days or so. My weight over the previous 1 week stabilized within the range of 62 to 63 Kg. And, I had not been taking pain killers for the previous 10 days. Although there are still some discomforts at my abdominal and back areas, but I do realized, I am having less pains, and the pain level is now more manageable. Hopefully, these improvements are indications that I am hitting the right direction along the road of recovery.

Well, what else can I say ? After almost one year of wondering in the dark tunnel and fighting for my survival, I am still standing ! As long as I cam still able to get up the next day, I stand to have a good fighting chance to overcome my present health predicament. Praise the Lord.......

May all beings be well and healthy........

1Malaysia - I had a dream

2009-07-20T23:09:00.002+08:00

Every politician has a dream..... dreamm...... dreaaaaaammmmmmm....... dreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeamm..... all i have to do is dream..............

Bits & Bytes (5)

2009-07-20T17:20:00.000+08:00

Finally, I completed 5 weeks of 3DCRT, today is the beginning of the sixth week. Well, one more week to go to complete the whole course of 3DCRT and oral chemo. After which I will be “on leave” for 30 days before I go back to the hospital for another round of Computer Tomography scan to assess the progress of this latest treatment protocol.

I took my blood test for cancer marker on the previous Friday, and the result should be out by tomorrow for my usual weekly consultation with the doctor. Hopefully, the blood test gave acceptable result tomorrow.

I feel awful today, I think the radiation therapy has, in a way, also affect the normal functioning of my stomach. I felt like vomiting through out the morning and afternoon. In fact, I had been having problem managing this side effect since the beginning of the 3DCRT treatment. My appetite for food has been affected, and consequently, I encountered substantial weight loss.

This fight against cancer is tougher than I thought. It is like I am being thrown into a boxing ring with a biased umpire, invisible opponents, and unknown game rules. The minute the bell rang, flurries of punches are thrown at me by the invisible opponent. I am floored, and the umpire quickly hit the canvas to start counting “one, two,.... three... four...” I had to get up before the count reach 10, otherwise, it is game over for me. Immediately I got up, the flurries of punches by the invisible opponent landed on me again. Again I am floored, and the umpire rushed in to hit the canvas to start the count of “one... two.... three.... four...” with bloodied nose, puffed face, and blurred vision, I told myself to get up before the empire count me out. Again, as soon as I got up, punches are all over me again to floor me. The situation of being floored and getting repeats itself, over and over again. I told myself, the only way for me to win, is to keep getting up, stand up like a man, hopefully, the invisible opponent eventually get tired of throwing punches and give up trying to knock me out. Fat hope ? I don't know. Times will tell......

I am an educated man with reasonable mind. When dealing with cancer, I know the statistic and am aware that the odds are stacked heavily against me. But the poetic side of me is still romantically fancied the idea of hope and miracles. While my hope for a cure is currently hanging on a very thin thread, I still have confident in myself to find a way to condition my mind to triggered spontaneous remission, and I believe the Almighty still have a purpose for me, he shall deliver miracle to me at a time and place of his choosing.

Life, how hard can it be ? For the time being, this frailed commander of a badly bruised battleship will live one day at a time........

May all beings be well and healthy........

Not a good day ?

2009-07-14T23:23:00.003+08:00

After I received my 22nd 3DCRT treatment this morning, I attended my weekly consultation with the doctor. I checked with the good doctor on the progress of my treatment, and the good doctor told me not to be too anxious about the progress yet. I was advised to wait for the completion of the 3DCRT first, then come back again in another month for a computer tomography scan to evaluate the size of the tumor. I am expected to complete the whole course of 3DCRT on July 27th 2009.

The followings are my weekly blood test result on the CA 19.9 tumor marker :

19/06/2009 15,229
26/06/2009 12,187
03/07/2009 9,988
10/07/2009 4,618

So, over the period of 4 weeks, the tumor marker has dropped 70%, which is quite substantial. Hopefully, the percentage drop in the CA19.9 marker is proportionate to the reduction in size of the tumor at the pancreas. However, the doctor told me not to rely on the marker reading as indication of my progress, because the most accurate assessment is still based on the CT scan.

Whatever it is, I will have to look forward positively to manage the treatments and hopefully, I shall overcome this dreaded illness soon.

I am also very happy to be informed that my son graduation ceremony is scheduled in mid August 2009. Hopefully, I am fit enough to attend his graduation on that day. I thank the Almighty for his grace in guiding my son to complete his undergraduate course on schedule and qualified for graduation. Praise the Lord......

May all beings be well and healthy........

Bits & Bytes (4)

2009-07-13T16:14:00.004+08:00

I completed 4th weeks of daily 3DCRT, so, today is my fifth week of radiation therapy. There are nine more sessions to go before I wrapped up this latest treatment protocol. Luckily, my skin affected by the radiation exposure has not broken yet, otherwise, it would be a very painful affair for me. I do hope my thick skin don't give up on me for the remaining sessions, there are only two more weeks left. So, hang on.........

Looking back, the 3DCRT sessions, though is painless procedure where I am expose to controlled radiation for 5 to 10 minutes daily only, but the treatment protocol does have it down side. The oral chemo drug, Xeloda, used in conjunction with the 3DCRT, also caused lost of appetites, diarrhea, and a host of others side effects. For a start, since the beginning of the therapy, I had lost more than 10 Kg of weight, and I am now struggling to maintain my weight to prevent it from further degradation. Due to lacked of appetite for foods, I am now also affected by malnutrition. One unwelcome consequence of this “nutrition deficiency” is, I am beginning to waste the muscle on my left leg. My left leg has grown weaker. I do hope, by end of the 3DCRT treatment protocol, I would be able to gain back my appetites, take in more protein based foods to restore the strength of my left leg.

Well, what else can I say ? The road to recovery is indeed full of frustrations and surprises. For the previous 10 months, I went through a lot of extremities in emotion such as fear, anxiety, frustration, sadness, anger, loneliness, etc. For a start, I do not know what to expect. When the arrays of extremities of emotions hit me, I do not know how to manage them. And at the initial stage, most of the times, my mind was blank – I was hearing without listening ! I worried about the near future. I fear being a burden to my family members, and I worried about whether my financial resources would be able to meet the medical expenses. It was indeed a very stressful period for me, and also my family members.

At the beginning, I kept asking myself what causes me to be inflicted with this dreaded illness called cancer. I felt guilty and blamed myself and my previous lifestyle. But the sad fact is, no body actually know what causes cancer. Perhaps, the Almighty is his perverted way, inflicted cancer on me to teach me a lesson, as a punishment of my sin, or whatever. Whatever it is, I have learned and overcome this unnecessary feeling of guilt.

Emotionally, I am not an expressive person, but all these unwelcome emotion built up within me made me a walking time bomb waiting to be exploded. But strangely, somehow, the Almighty blessed me with the grace to defuse the situations.

As an emotionally sensitive person, I do realized, at times, I am having difficulty relating to my loved ones, family members, and friends my predicaments and my needs. I also realized, there are also people avoided me because they felt uncomfortable with my acquired “disease”. Managing the various treatment protocols and their side effects is also another difficult aspect of dealing with cancer. How I wish there is a counseling agency to guide cancer patients what to expect and how to manage those expectations. As it is, I realized, emotionally, I am on my own, and I just need to be strong for myself to handle all those present's and future's fears and uncertainties.

I realized, having been inflicted with cancer doesn't mean I have to loose HOPE and Aspiration. I know, as long as I can hang on to another day, modern medicine will find a cure for me. And on my bended knee, I pray with the hope that my heavenly father knows my predicaments and intervene to provide his divine healing. Well, the Almighty promised “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

May all beings be well and healthy........

Of alternative treatments...

2009-07-09T22:49:00.001+08:00

Today, I received a call from a lady who introduced herself as “a friend of my friend”. She told me that she learned about my chronic illness from “my friend”, and she has a product that can cure cancer. A friend of my friend ? But she is not able to tell me the name of the friend. Well, there is a Chinese saying that goes like this - “ Thean Xia Wu Yah Yee Yang Hei” 天下烏鴉一樣黑, translated, it means “all the crows under the sky have the same blackness”. Well, whenever you go, there are always over anxious medicine peddler selling false hope to desperate chronic disease sufferers. Sometimes, I do wonder, why in this world, there are so many immoral people seeking every opportunities to try to make immoral gains at the expense of desperate people.

I know, as a cancer patient, I am desperately looking for a cure, but luckily, I still have a logical mind to make objective assessment, and previous bad experiences also made me wiser. Put it this way, if a person has a product that can cure cancer or other chronic diseases, he or she would probably be a billionaire now. As a billionaire, would she or he still have the time making all the personal call to pitch their so called proven products ?

As far as I am concerned, all those so called alternative treatments for cancer are basically nutritional supplements, some are over prices, and some are over glorified. I am not against alternative medicine or treatments, but it is the false hope they are selling that I am against. I have no problem if the alternative medicines are sold as complimentary nutritional supplements to evidence based medicine. Most of the alternative medicines or treatments are grossly overpriced and expensive. As a result, some of these unscrupulous medicine peddlers or direct sale personnel resorted to convince cancer patient to abandon evidence based medicine in order to increase their chances of concluding the “deal”. I do sincerely hope that those who involved in the peddling of alternative medicines or treatments can have some basic decency to love their fellow human being rather than obsessed with making a few extra sinful dollars.

I also find it very amusing that, there are also ignorant souls preaching to me the mightiness of the Almighty in healing my chronic illness. I was once advised by a so called very religious person to abandon seeking treatments from the doctor but to keep praying to the Almighty for healing. Being a very observant person, I saw he carry a small packet of medication in his pocket. I asked him what is the medication for ? He told me it is for migraine. Well, so much about his religiosity and faith in the Almighty ! For minor illness like migraine, he seek treatment from the doctor, but advise a cancer patient like me to abandon treatments and seek healing from the Almighty ? My take on this spirituality is very simple, God only help those who help themselves, and God also gave us a logical mind to resolve our own problem. When dealing with chronic illnesses, let us not be blinded by blind faith and religious fanaticism. Have faith in yourself, and cultivate hope through prayer, but never, never take advise from those idiots to abandon treatments from evidence based medicines.

May all beings be well and healthy. My the Almighty bless all of us with good health and happiness......

Bits & Bytes (3)....

2009-07-06T22:04:00.001+08:00

Today, I received my 16tth session of 3DCRT. Time flies, all in all, I have gone through 3 weeks of daily 3DCRT, another 3 more weeks to go before I wrapped up this latest treatment protocol and move on to other treatment issues.

I was supposed to go down to Taiping to attend the old boys reunion dinner and to check on the progress of the rebuilding of the scout den, but unfortunately, I had to cancel the trip on Saturday morning because I was not feeling comfortable due to uncomfortable abdominal pains and discomfort at the chest. I am rather sad of not being able to make the trip because, like a sentimental old fool, I do really look forward to meet those “old boys” to rekindle my childhood memories. On the other hand, the scout den is also part of my sentimental journey from my teenage years to adulthood. I hope, in my absent, the Old Boys association in Taiping and the school's PIBG can ensure the scout den is put up according to schedule and complying to safety requirements. Well, maybe next year, I will be still around to attend the old boys' reunion dinner in Taiping.

Prior to receiving my radiation treatment this morning, the nurse check on my pulse, temperature, blood pressure, and weight. With the exception of my weight, all indicators are in normal range. I am still losing weight, and over the period of four weeks, I lost more than 10 Kg of weight. I am hitting dangerously close to the 60Kg mark, and I hope my appetite can be improved significantly over the next few days to restore upward trend in weight.

Realistically, looking at the current scenario, how do I assess my current situation ? Put it this way, I am now a frailed commander in a badly bruised battleship. Do I now retreat to a safe harbour to find means to recuperate, or do I still charge ahead into the battle ground to defend whatever inches of advantage I still possessed ? Either way, I know, my life now hang precariously on too many unknowns and too many uncertainties which are totally beyond my control. I know, life is tough, but this journey of attempting to restore my health has been too hellish and it really is, a tough journey all this while.

Whatever it is, I do look forward to tomorrow. I know, as long as I can still have an alert mind tomorrow, I will always have a good fighting chance of winning this battle against cancer.

C'est la Vie...........

Orchid

2009-07-06T22:01:00.003+08:00

The rest of the Orchids photos are located at my facebook.

Bits & Bytes (2) ....

2009-07-01T13:07:00.001+08:00

This week, I am on the third week of 3DCRT. As of today, I have received 13 sessions of 3DCRT, and there are 18 more sessions to go. So far, the side effects or discomforts encountered are occasional diarrhea, nausea, occasional constipation, abdominal pains, back pains, and loss of appetite. On the physical front, I felt extremely tired and weak, this is probably due to the fact that, my body now need to exert extra energies to repair all the coll damages to the healthy cells due to radiation. I am beginning to encounter weakness in my left leg and left arm. So now, I also need to be extra careful when climbing stairs and doing my normal walking exercise.

Due to my lacked of taste or loss of appetite for food, I am still struggling to arrest and maintain my weight loss. I am now weighing at about 65KG, which means, over a period of about a month, I have lost another 10KG in weight. I do hope this weight loss will not become another major health issue for me.

After 13 sessions of 3DCRT, I do not know whether the physical size of the tumor has been reduced or shrunk. However, the cancer marker test done last Friday show a 20% reduction. I hope, at least the size of the tumor are shrunk proportionately.

Well, it's been almost a year managing and dealing with treatment issues. I had been hopping in and out of hospital, enduring the discomforts and side effects, coping with the emotional ups and downs of my state of being, etc. It's been a long and frustrating journey on the road to recovery. I do sincerely hope I still have the mental strength and stamina to run the last mile. I am actually very tired of all these unintended nonsenses. Honestly, sometimes, I do think the mighty God is a pervert – He enjoy watching good guys suffering..........

Last Sunday, my son drove me to the national zoological park to practice photo shooting skills. In fact, since I was diagnosed with this illness, my son has been trying his level best to spend more times with me. At his teenage years, I hardly spend time with him. I always took it for granted that I will always have time for him on another day, but too many “another day” passed by. By the time I realized it, he is already a young man busy with his own career. I am so glad that I am now given another opportunity to establish a closer relationship with my son now.

Anyway, I did have a good time at the Zoo shooting photographs and discussing techniques with my son. AT least some outdoor activities and interests can at least keep my mind out of being indulging in fearing the discomforts and unknowns of this dreaded illness.

On our way back from the zoo, while driving, my son asked “ Dad, how do you feel today ?” A simple question, but it does made me realized that, this young man sitting next to me, is indeed now a fine gentleman, sensitive to the emotional needs of his father. I gently tapped his hand and replied “ I am so happy today.......”

Yes, I am so happy because I had been blessed with a good son.............

1Malaysia ?

2009-06-28T19:43:00.004+08:00

Can you guess who are these politicians and which political party they belonged to ?

She reminds me of the wife of .......Murugih, why you do all those nonsense to me ?

Bits & Bytes.....

2009-06-24T14:02:00.002+08:00

I went for my 8th 3DCRT session today. So, with 8 down, I still have at least 23 more sessions to go. These sessions will keep me occupied until end of July 2009. My friend, Suet Fun, met me and my wife at the Radiotherapy centre of the hospital. After my RT, we went to an Indian Restaurant at Jalan Gasing for some light snacks. Surprisingly, my appetite for foods is good today, I managed to finished 3 quarters piece of Roti telur, few pieces of spicy curry chicken, and a small cup of Teh Halia. If I can maintain my current improvement of appetite, I should be able to arrest my declining weight. I am now weighing at around 65KG. Compared to my 102 Kg a year ago, I am now not half the man I used to be !!!!!

The 3DCRT session usually last less than 15 minutes a day, and compared to intravenous chemotherapy, it is much more “comfortable” to deal with. However, 3DCRT in combination with oral chemo drugs also comes with its documented sides effects. I had been told to expect softness and sore in foot and palm, mouth ulcers, diarrhea, constipation, etc. But so far, after 8 sessions of treatment, I only encountered constipation issues and nausea. Yesterday, I encountered some minor nose bleeding, but I was told not to be overly alarmed by this side effects. I guess, after almost a years of dealing with so many treatment protocols and drugs, I am more or less getting used to expecting the unexpected.

I also realized, I am beginning to lose some minor motor control of my physical body. Last Sunday, while walking with my son at a park in Shah Alam, I fell down twice because, for no apparent reasons, my left leg just went limped and encountered momentary lost of sensations. There are also quite a numbers of recent occasions where I had problem to lift my left leg momentarily. I seriously do not think this is a side effect of the 3DCRT or oral chemo drugs. Most probably it is caused by malnutrition of proteins and wastage of muscle tissues. I just need to make sure I put in more proteins into my system, and exercise my leg to built back the needed muscle tissues.

As part of the assessment of my new treatment;s progress, I took my blood test on Friday, and the result which was released on Monday, was not encouraging at all, my CA 19.9 market shot up substantially. Probably in the past, the Taceva did managed to control the cancer cells but was not able to trigger remission. Perhaps, while I am implementing new treatment strategy to eliminate the cancer cells, those nasty mutants also quietly launched a counter attack against me. I suspect, the new treatment protocol of 3DCRT in combination with Xeloda was not able to achieve the desired result yet. The good doctor told me not to overly anxious about the latest test result, but to continue with the new treatment strategy and to wait out for the next 2 to 3 test results.

On Monday, after my usual 3dCrT session, I came home a bit tired and proceeded to take rest in my room. I fell asleep soon, but suddenly realized I had problem breathing ! In my semi conscious dreamy state, I saw a young handsome boy resembling me stomping his foot on my face. I struggled to freed myself from the situation and woke up from my short sleep. My first realization is, was this boy my son ? Many years ago, I made a decision to medically terminate the life of my 2nd unborn child. That cold clinical decision was not an easy decision, but nevertheless, I made that decision. I though, after so many years, I had let go, but it doesn't seemed to be. That decision I made, keep coming back to haunt me in many emotional and irrational manifestations. Sometimes, I do wish I can turn back the clock, see things differently, and perhaps, with different outcomes.

Being inflicted with this dreaded illness also made me realized how lucky I am. I am blessed with so many beautiful people in my times of difficulties. I have a very supportive spouse who is willing to accommodate my needs at all times. I also realized, my children have suddenly grown up trying their level best to show their appreciations and to be supportive of me. I am also blessed with so many good friends and relatives who constantly gave me words of encouragements, assistances, and moral support to help me fight on.

I have a good family and good friends. Well, life is beautiful ! But I do missed my cup of hot aromatic black coffee..................

I completed the first week of 3DCRT session …

2009-06-19T22:29:00.001+08:00

I completed one week of 3DCRT today, the next session begins on next Monday. So, I have at least another 5 weeks of 3DCRT to go.

Come to think of it, 3DCRT is not that awful compared to intravenous drip of chemotherapy where you physically have to endure 2 to 3 hours of slow “dripping” process of chemo drugs into your body. The only inconvenience is, I have to go to the hospital everyday to receive my radiation treatment. In addition, 3DCRT also comes with some side effects. My first week encounter is, after the radiation session, I felt nauseated and vomited a few times. I hope the effects will tapper off from the second weeks onwards.

As advised by the Oncologist, I was prescribed with Xeloda ( Capecitabine ) to go with the radiation therapy. However, due to my taller than average height, my body body surface is bigger, so I was prescribed with a dosage 3 times higher than normal patient. Naturally, the medication costs 3 times more expensive. So, tall people may look more handsome and appealing, but when come to medical care, you are at a disadvantage in terms of treatment costs !!!!!

With Xeloda, I have to take 1500mg per 12 hours basis. The medication comes with its whole list of documented side effects. The most common side effects associated with the consumption of Xeloda are Sore palm, sore foot, ulcer in the mouth, diarrhea, etc. In anticipation of these side effects, the Oncologist also prescribed a another arsenal of medications to be taken daily to counter the side effects. Hmmm.... sometimes, modern medicines can be a real pain. But whatever it is, I hope, as I progress during the treatment period, I would not be over preoccupy with these side effects.

A young lady from Hospice Malaysia visited me yesterday and today to provide me with counseling on pains management and symptom management. One thing surprised me is, the young lady is so well versed with her area of expertise and serve with so much enthusiasm and empathy as compared to our over glorified private hospital. Hospis Malaysia provide me with free medication for symptom and pains such as liquid morphine. They also provide me with Sheepskin to make me comfortable when I lie on hard surface. All these items are provided free of charge. Well, in the midst of commercialism and profit orientation of medical care, at least there are still some NGO's out there who care for the well being of average Malaysians. Mind you, these people really serve with big smile, enthusiasm, dedication, and empathy !

For the next 5 weeks of so, I will have to go through pretty much the same treatment routine. I don't really look forward to, but, I will get around, and hopefully complete the whole treatment protocol with positive results......

The 3DCRT session begins....

2009-06-16T13:17:00.001+08:00

I attended my “CT Planning” for 3DCRT on Friday, done my first session of radiiation therapy on Monday, and today is my 2nd session of Radiation Therapy. And, there 29 more sessions to go spreading over the next One and a half month !!

The doctor has also prescribed daily intake of 3000mg of Xeloda ( capecitabine) and 15 tablets of Vitamin B6 to go together with the 3DCRT. In additions, there are also some medications to counter side effects.

I was a bit apprehensive about the whole 3DCRT treatment in the beginning, because I do not know what to expect. But Monday session was not so bad, no pain and no discomfort. All I have to do is to make sure I minimized body movement on the table, and let the machine revolves around my body to aim at the preconfigured area. The session lasted slightly less than 15 minutes and I was allow to go home with no discomforts. However, I do felt very tired throughout the day. Compared with the Chemotherapy I had previously, 3DCRT is so much more “comfortable”

Today's 3DCRT is the same compared to yesterday's session. It lasted less than 15 minutes. However, After I got home, In addition to the feeling of tiredness, I felt dizzy ( probably due to the haze), and I also vomited twice.

I do not know whether the vomiting is caused by the side effect of Xeloda or 3DCRT, I will check with the doctor tomorrow when I go for my 3rd session of 3DCRT. I don't feel good at all today with all these vomity feelings. But my main concern for the time being is to resolve my weight lost and constipations issues.

Well, 2 sessions down, and 29 more sessions to go..... I do hope, this new treatment protocol of 3DCRT in combination with Xeloda oral chemo can produce the desired results for the recovery of my health.

Shooting Birds...............

2009-06-14T20:43:00.004+08:00

At the Kuala Lumpur Lake Garden's Bird Park.....

Life Ain't Rosy ?

2009-06-11T20:48:00.002+08:00

My name is Saw Kow
have a house in TAIPING TOWN.
Finished my secondary education
in a school started by ANG MOH KOW.

Obtained a Grade One in MCE
But as a minority, LIFE is not ROSY
My Grade One is not good enough
compared to Grade Three of a BUMI.
So, no Form Six for me !

But I am very LUCKY
"You go Canada to STUDY"
That what my DADDY told me.
After three years of undergraduate STUDIES
I came back with a DEGREE and my HONEY

Life ahead is very ROSY ?
After one year working for some lousy MONEY
Daddy found out I already have a STEADY
Everyday he asked me to MARRY
Or else he won't talk to ME
No choice, but to propose to my HONEY

Yeh, Life ain't ROSY !
The Marriage ceremony depleted all MY MONEY.
To survive, everyday I eat CHAPFUN or CHAPATY.
For entertainment, everyday I watch TV or pirated VCD.
While other drive Mercedes, I drove a 3rd hand Datsun SUNNY
Married life ain't that ROSY
In less than 12 months I have a BABY
Suddenly I became a DADDY.

Yeh, Life Ain't ROSY !
After many years of working for lousy CRONIES
When I worked HARD, he said it is my DUTY
When I submit MC, he said I am LAZY
Paying me peanut
and yet expect me not to behave like MONKEY
When I am short of MONEY,
he asked me to "Chiak Kar Key"
I almost gone CRAZY.

Yeh, Life ain't ROSY !
Now, I have to support my HONEY
and I have to feed my BABY
Have to pay installments for my old Datsun Sunny
Every week have to buy Dutch Baby
Everyday my petrol tank is EMPTY
Go to work JALAN KAKI
ATM told me my account got no MONEY

Yeh, Life ain't ROSY
Seek HELP from government,
but they said I ain't BUMI.
Seek HELP from MCA,
but was told Life ain't CHARITY
and I am not their LIABILITY.
Sometimes, I really want to CARI MATI
But who is gonna feed my HONEY and BABY
Susah nak HIDUP, susah nak MATI.

Yeh, Life ain't ROSY !
Nevermind, every dog has his DAY.
Now, I made my own MONEY.
Life has become a bit ROSY.
Sipping my favorite Coffee in LUXURY,
Should I show SYMPATHY
to those who rejected ME ?

Yeh, Life ain't ROSY ?
Believe me, when you are in troubles,
the rest will conveniently
suffered from Avian's Flu.
They are all quite capable
of talking cock's languages to you !

Yeh, Life ain't Rosy ?
But who say Life is EASY ?
When the going gets tough,
the tough gets going.
Go hit the road
and make your OWN MONEY...........

On the road again.....

2009-06-11T15:47:00.003+08:00

Finally, I had a good night sleep yesterday. It's been a while I never had such luxury of uninterrupted sleep for such a long time. I think, the pain killer, OxyContin, prescribed by the good doctor did the wonder for me yesterday evening.

I woke up this morning feeling very refresh and in good mood. My appetite for breakfast was also extremely good. I managed to finished one big bowl of Pan Mee !! Hmmmm... yummy, yummy....

After the breakfast, I seek my wife's assistance to arrange the 3D Conformal Radiation Therapy treatment sessions for me with the hospital. Tomorrow, I will have to check into the hospital to do the “CT Planning” for the 3DCRT. Tomorrow session, if I understand it correctly, is for the doctor and lab technicians to do mapping of treatment area ( tumor and its vicinity) using the CT scan result which was done 2 days ago.

After the mapping, my first 3DCRT session will start on Monday. All together, there will be a minimum of 31 sessions of 3DCRT on daily basis except Saturday & Sunday. During the treatment period, I will have to take on twice a day basis oral chemo tablet of Capecitabine ( Xeloda ) to complement the radiation therapies. I was told, the Xeloda will act as radiosensitizer to make the 3DCRT more effective. I do hope these sessions of 3DCRT can help to target correct dosages of radiation precisely into the tumor to trigger remission, and thereby improve my chances of recovery.

It has been a long and winding road for the previous 10 months in my quest to restore my health. Honestly, it has been also a very frustrating experience for me dealing with previous failed attempts and the emotional ups and downs of trying to stay positive and maintain my sanity over the whole process. I have nothing else to lose to chart into this unknown territory of radiation therapy. I am confident, I can overcome this illness and restore my health in due course. I will do whatever that are necessary and within my control, the rest, I leave it to the Almighty to guide the good doctor and his medical team to perform healing miracles on me.

Well, I am on the road again to fight for my survival.............. “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” ( Psalm 23:4) Praise the Lord.

Changing strategy.....

2009-06-11T00:18:00.002+08:00

I got my CT scan and blood analysis result today. Well, after more than 10 months of alternative treatment, intravenous chemotherapy, and targeted drugs, the tumor is still there and still maintained at about the same size. Although the treatments did not managed to shrink the tumor, but thanks God, at least I am lucky the tumor is still localized, not metastasized, and had not spread to other organs. On the positive side, at least the chemotherapy and targeted drugs managed to control the tumor growth. Praise the Lord.

However, fighting cancer is not about falling back into the comfort zone to maintain status quo. I need to change my treatment strategy to overcome the cancer cells.

I am having a localized advance tumor at my pancreas, to move beyond controlling the growth of the tumor, I need to look into the possibility of targeted localized treatment with minimum damages to other vital organs. For the time being, 3D Conformal Radiotherapy together with oral chemo seemed to be my best practical option. With 3D conformal radiotherapy, the tumor is mapped in 3 dimension, and multiple radiation beams are then precisely aimed at the mapped tumor, minimizing the damages to other normal tissues.

I was told that the hospital need to feed the images from the CT Scan result into the computer to created a 3 dimensional view of the targeted treatment areas. The computer then design multiple high dosage of radiation beams into an area precisely conforming to the size of the tumor and its vicinity. The hospital will need to have approximately 2 to 3 days to plan the treatment before the first radiotherapy session can be delivered. After that, I will have to go to the hospital on almost daily basis for a minimum of 35 sessions.

My next action is now to source for a hospital that have 3D Conformal Radiotherapy facility or Intensity Modulated Radiotherapy facility. At the moment, University Hospital, Pantai Medical Centre, Subang Jaya Medical Centre, and Nilai's National Cancer Institute have these facilities. Over the next two days, I will have to decide which hospital I want to use to implement this new strategy.

I hope the good Lord will help me make a wise decision on which hospital to use.

So, it looks like over the next one and a half month I will be stationing myself in the battleship again to engage the cancer cells in the battleground again. This time, I will take no prisoner..... So, you nasty mutant cells, you are on the wrong side of my book, your days are numbered.......

Of religions.....

2009-06-10T13:07:00.002+08:00

A casual friend of mine asked me the other day that whether I am a Buddhist or a Christian. Well, it is a profound question. I was born in a Taoist family, but was registered as a Buddhist. In fact, during those days in the 60's, most Malaysians of Chinese origin were registered as Buddhists because our parents are not that really educated and there were communication problems between the parents and the birth registration clerks. And in most cases, most Malaysian Chinese are not really that particular of the registration status of religion. So, here you go, I was an accidental Buddhist by registration.

During my childhood years, my family practiced Taoism. In fact, most of my family members still practiced Taoism. I started reading the Bible in 1993 and later in 2006, I also begin to read Buddhism texts. When I was diagnosed with cancer in 2008, I picked up the Bible again....

So am I a Taoist, Buddhist, or Christian ?

Frankly, throughout my adult years, religion was never an issue to me and I always treat it as a private matter. In my public dealing with friends and relatives, I attempt to keep my pubic life as secular as possible. One thing I do do know, when I was inflicted with chronic illness, I became more religious and tried to find a balance in my life to seek self healing. I turned to the Bible and tried to comprehend the words of God. Until today, as much as I want to adopt the words of God religiously, but I also realized, Buddhism's values has been deeply ingrained in my daily life. It is like my root and culture.

So, when I announced to my friends that I am a Buddhist Christian, my Christian friends stared at me with disbelieve and tried their level best to salvage this lost soul. But the surprising thing is, my Buddhist friends accepted me as what I am. They left me be and let me find my own path to seek my own enlightenment.

To me, Buddhism is a way of life, and the truth of being. And, Christianity is about the embracement of the Almighty God with Lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior. Christianity gave me hope, but Buddhism gave me peace of mind. Of course, there are always differences in values and practices between Buddhism and Christianity, but my purpose in this life is not to thrive on the differences. My purpose is to walk the middle path, and to seek and embrace the commonalities between these two great religions.

As a Christian, I am still a God fearing person and I recite the Lord's Prayer on daily basis. As a Buddhist, I am still subscribing to the Four Noble Truths, The Eight Folds Path, and the Mediation aspects in my daily life.

Between Hope and Peace of mind, I walk the middle path, and had chosen to embrace both. So, I am a Buddhist Christian.

The “I DON'T KNOW” hospital.

2009-06-09T22:57:00.003+08:00

Since I came back from Aenon Health Farm, my physical condition has deteriorated. Perhaps, the drastic change in diet has caused my body to react negatively – my lack of appetite for foods got worst, my cancer marker shot up tremendously, the intensity of pain and discomforts ballooned to unbearable level, and worst of all, I am beginning to lose weight again ! Well, sticking to strict vegetarian diet sound very fashionable, but my body just couldn't take it, before I allowed myself to be incapacitated with malnutrition, I think it is best I revert back to my normal diet.

I was due for medical check up at Tung Shing yesterday, at my wife insistent, I went to the Pantai Medical Centre instead of Tung Shing. My wife's contention was that, the equipments and facilities at Tung Shing are outdated, and the hospital may not be in a position to provide the best treatment options. To cut the story short, I went to Pantai Medical Centre yesterday, my first impression was, everything was new there, the air conditioning system was eerie cold, and the hospital even have Starbuck Coffee outlet at the lobby.

The Good doctor suggested that I be admitted to run tests for re-assessment of my condition. The first day, the usual vital tests were conducted. On the morning of the second day, a CT scan was performed on me. The CT scan took less than 10 minutes, and at 9;30AM I was told to go back to the room to wait for my scan result.

I asked the reception counter how long it will take for the scan result to be out, but was told the standard reply of “ I don't Know” and “Please go back to your room and wait”. I waited until 12:30PM and I asked the ward nurse whether the scan and blood test result is out , and when I can expect to obtain the result, again, I was given the standard reply of “I don't know” and “Please go back to back to your room and wait”. So I went down to the Imaging Department to enquire, thinking that perhaps I can get an estimation of the time needed to obtain the result from the source. Again, the counter staff told me “ I don't know” and “ Go back to your room to wait”.

Patiently, I waited until almost 5:00PM, I went to Imaging Department again to enquire about the result, again, the standard reply of “I don't know” was given to me. Hmmm, I do wonder the competency of the personnel and Pantai Medical Centre. The hospital may have the best hardware, but the people who manned the hardware and provide support service seemed ill trained and are at a loss of providing competent healthcare services. The personnel even suggested that I stay back in the hospital one more day to wait for the Ct scan result. My God, the last time I did my CT scan at Sunway Medical Centre, it took only less than two hours to obtain the result, and at Tung Shine, it took less than 3 hours to obtain the scan result. But at Pantai Medical Centre, I did my CT scan at around 9:00AM in the morning, when I checked out at around 5:00PM, the scan result is still not out yet, and I DON'T KNOW whether they can get it out tomorrow. It look like I have to go back to the hospital again tomorrow to obtain the scan result.

I really don't feel comfortable at the way medical care and support services are being provided by Pantai Medical Centre, and I sincerely doubt the support personnel there are trained to provided adequate competence services. Well, their hardware look impressive and maybe the most up-to-date. But a simple CT scan result takes more than a day to be produce ? Am I in a under developed country in Africa ? I guess it would be wiser for me not to bet my life at Pantai Medical Centre. What I will do tomorrow is, I will go to the hospital to insist on my blood test and CT scan result, and go back to Tung Shine hospital to continue my treatment there. Well, Tung Shing may or may not have the best medical equipments, but, at least, their support personnel are more caring and knowledgeable in providing medical care and support services.

The doctor's assistant called me up in the evening to ask whether I will come back tomorrow for consultation, I was just too tired and replied “I DON”T KNOW”.......

Shooting butterflies............

2009-06-08T12:50:00.003+08:00

Got a bit bord recently, went to the Butterfly farm and managed to "shoot" some real butterflies........., not those from China !

The side effects again......

2009-06-04T00:27:00.002+08:00

I have not been updating my journal on a regular basis. I do realized, I been getting easily tired nowadays, probably due to the side effects of the targeted drugs, and mentally, I am also getting very exhausted dealing with the surprises that had been inflicted on my physical body. My God, cancer is indeed such a horrible illness, no matter how positive and determined you are, one way or another, it will find a way to demoralized you emotionally and physically when you least expect it.

Since starting on the targeted dug, I developed rashes all over my body and facial areas, and my skin also looked darker due to pigmentation. As I progressed along the fourth month of this oral drug therapy, the intensity of the rashes are beginning to tapper off. However, With one side effect subsided, another few side effects also began to manifest their dreadedness. For the past one month or so, my appetites for foods was getting from bad to worst, and also having to deal with the too frequent constipation issues. Due to lack of desires for foods, I am beginning to lose weight again. I can sense that my body is getting weaker and getting tired easily, probably due to lack of proper nutrition. I do hope I can solve these new side effects sooner.

Pains and discomforts had and always been the biggest challenge since I was diagnosed with cancer. I do realized, for the past three weeks, the intensity of pains and discomforts are getting unbearable. So much so that, I think it affects my mental alertness and logical thinking. So far, the prescribed pain killer does help to reduce the intensity of the pains. The portable Infra Red light device also comes handy in soothing the muscle and nerve discomforts. I do hope my condition is not degrading towards the worst. I have cut down my morning exercise, because increasingly, it is getting a bit difficult for me due my weakened physical body. Well, I got to keep telling myself to stay strong, control my frustration, and stay positive to find a way to minimized the pains and discomforts.

Honestly, I think I am getting a little bit fed up of all these inconveniences caused by these unbearable pains and discomforts. I wished I can just shout out to my family members that I am in great pains and all of them rush to my attention. But would that help to reduce my pains ? I am not a parasite that depend on others for my well being. I got myself into this medical mess, it is now up to me to find a way to heal myself. I got to fight this dreaded illness like a real warrior. They said, No Pains, No Gains ! I got to overcome the pains, restore my logical mind to think of an improved strategy to win, and to live my life as normally as possible. It is going to be a very painful fight, but I do hope to emerge from this episode of life with gained wisdom.

Over the last 3 months, I am also emotionally affected by the news of friends being inflicted with cancer. First, a friend was diagnosed with cancer of the uterus, she went though a successful operation, and is now receiving chemotherapy. About two months ago, a distant relative was diagnosed with lung cancer, she is currently also under chemotherapy. This week, I was informed that, a close friend was diagnosed with colon cancer. She went for operation to remove part of the colon yesterday. I do not know the outcome of the operations. These are all perfectly good people with healthy lifestyles. I do wonder how those sneaky cancer cells managed to breakthrough into their immune system. Perhaps, the Almighty does have a perverted sense of inappropriateness. Emotionally, I think I am too exhausted by all these unhealthy news. I will keep them in my prayers, and hope the Almighty can grant them speedy recovery.

Whatever it is, I thank the Almighty for keeping me alive to fight this dreaded illness. I also thank the Almighty for giving me this alert mind to share out my experiences with others. Praise the Lord.....

咖啡旅程

2009-05-28T23:20:00.000+08:00

咖啡旅程

我現在站在這裡, 思考生命的去向.
我選擇了這條路, 開始了人生旅程.
我慢慢地繼續走, 這不是神秘之旅.
時間慢慢飛過了, 這一條曲折道路.
我辛苦探索命運, 悲傷和快樂握手.
成功與失敗經驗, 我得到不少沮喪.
也得到不少教訓, 我還是熱愛生命.

我選擇了這條路, 慢慢繼續完旅程.
等待美麗夕陽紅, 有景有色有彩虹.
人生如一杯咖啡, 漫長人生旅程中,
我品嚐無限苦酸, 也品嚐無限甜蜜.
就好象一杯咖啡, 它有苦涩的意义,
也有美好的甜蜜. 這漫長人生歲月,
你有体验過什么? 试這杯香甜咖啡,
記住美好的時刻. 留下美好的回忆.

好好享受人生吧 !

Meditation.........

2009-05-26T16:27:00.001+08:00

It is a good day today. I woke up this morning with the realization that, my back pains are substantially reduced. I am now left with only my abdominal pains and constipations issues to deal with. I had been on high fiber diet, but it look like constipation is still a major issue for me. With regards to the abdominal pains, my take on this issue is, after months of coping with it, I am more or less getting used to this habitual discomforts. My main concern is more on how to contain the size of the tumor and to prevent it from spreading to other organs.

As I mentioned before, during the past few weeks I was bombarded by a lot of well intended spiritual advise from my Christian friends, so much so that it gave me an impression that these friends are blindingly trying to score brownie point from the Almighty without due regards to my mental health. I doubt these people know what they are talking about ! My feeling is, having faith in the Almighty is a good thing, but blind and illogical faith is dangerous. I will not be that stupid to follow some of those illogical advise to abandon treatment and leave my healing to faith alone. I bet if these people are suffering from chronic diseases, the first thing they would do is to run to the doctor to seek treatments, rather than singing praises to the Lord for his wisdom to test their faith. I am not being sarcastic here, but sometimes, I do wonder, when subject to extreme conditions, would our actions still consistent with our preached word ?

Mentally, I was affected by all these well intended advises. My mind was not at peace and I was mentally disturbed. I need to find a way to restore my mental peace. Perhaps, meditation will do me some good to sooth my troubled mind. I went to the Subang Jaya Buddhist Aassociation yesterday, and met up with the secretary of the association and a resident monk. The purpose of my visit is to enquire information on meditation. The monk gave me a brief introduction of 2 types of meditation – Focus ( loving – kindness ) meditation, and Insight ( Vipasana ) meditation. He also gave me some tips on how to perform focus meditation. He is quite kind to offer me the use the meditation hall facility to practice meditation free of charge.

For a start, I will start the DIY focus meditation at the comfort of my home. At my condition, there is nothing to lose for trying out new thing to improve my mental strength. My objective is, I need to cultivate a strong mental strength, where my mind can control my body to activate healing. If meditation can help to improve my overall situation, then praise be with the Lord.

I am not disillusioned with the mighty power and mercy of the Almighty. The bottom line is, I do personally believe, to win this fight against cancer, not only must I rely on modern medicines, but I must also make sure that I find a way to maintain my mental health in tip top condition to make logical decisions. For the time being, meditation seems like a good option to me !

Looking back, no doubt the past few months have been a very challenging period for me, but somehow, I had been blessed with the strengths and abilities to overcome difficult situations. I guess, at the end of the day, all these experiences will graduate me to become a man of wisdom !

Of treatments and spirituality.........

2009-05-22T16:19:00.003+08:00

The previous two weeks or so, I had been affected by severe pains, discomforts, occasional constipations, and my appetite for foods was also affected. To make thing worst, too many spiritual advises also made me emotionally disturbed where I unnecessary lapsed into fear of the unknowns. I realized, when you lived in fear, you live life no longer, and there is no dignity to live a life of fear.

I made a decision not to attend church meetings, cut down visits from visitors, or any meeting that potentially can lasts more than half an hour, because it is very uncomfortable physically to sit through any meeting. My strategy is to have a quiet environment where I can have peace of mind, undisturbed, to contemplate my next course of actions. In the past, I used to received friends who are over jealous with their religious belief, advising me to surrender my faith to God, and the do's and don'ts. I am not disillusion with the power of the Almighty. But I do not think, one can just shout prayers after prayers, and irresponsibly leave our destiny to the Almighty to determine. I am responsible for my body, it is up to me to seek the best medical care to cure my illness.

To fight cancer, there are three fronts I need to explore – Body, Mind, and Spirit. I need to keep my body strong by ensuring my body is nourished with rights foods and exercises. I also need to consult medical experts on the medications and treatment strategies. With regards to Mind, I need to keep my mind free of negative thoughts, stay positive, and instill a will to overcome difficulties. Most important of all, I need to stay calm, not unduly anxious to confront events that unfold around me, just be a passive observer, and let thing happened and let them be. On the spiritual front, I acknowledge the power of the Almighty, having faith in the Almighty will definitely sooth my disturbed mind, but I also believe that the Almighty will only help those who help themselves. I will do all that are within my capabilities to seek treatments, and have a clear mind to make logical decisions. At the end of the day, if the Almighty wants to forsake me, then so be it, it is HIS prerogative. The important thing is, when all options are exhausted, I am accountable to myself, and I know, I have fought a good fight to regain my health, and I lived a life of dignity.

Times and again, I had friends who indirectly hinted to me that, the reason I am not healed yet is because my faith in the Almighty is not strong enough, where I need to surrender my self to the Almighty and forget about medical treatment. Well, it is not end of the road yet, people can make any conclusions they want, but it is my life. My faith in the Almighty is a personal relationship. The God within me is more powerful than the Gods fantasized by all those hypocrites. My illness is a consequent of my weakened immune system and my previous lifestyle, it has nothing to do with the Almighty. I had put myself in this messy medical situation, it is now up to me to resolve these issues logically. If I rely on the mercy of the Almighty and ignore the treatment options, at the end of the day, if I am not healed, can I blame the Almighty for false hope and promises ?

Life is tought and full of obstacles, but come to think of it, without all those bitter experiences, would we able to taste the sweetness of life ? It is through the difficult patches of life that we gained wisdom to live a meaningful life of no regrets. I count my blessing that I have a wonderful family and good friends who supported me during these difficult period. I also count my blessing that I still have an alert and sound mind to make logical decision.

Praise the Lord....

Once upon a time....

2009-05-18T23:28:00.002+08:00

No posting tonight, I am meditating... OMMMmmmmmmm......ZZZz........

We Wear the Mask

2009-05-15T23:18:00.001+08:00

We Wear the Mask
By Paul Laurence Dunbar

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,--
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be overwise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

A wonderful playground....

2009-05-14T22:23:00.000+08:00

In the past nine months or so, the experiences I went throught dealing with cancer has been an unbelievable endurance journey, a journey through my mind. I honestly do not know, how long this journey is going to last, but the unpredictability makes life challengingly more interesting. I did went through all sorts of ups and downs, more downs than ups. To sound a bit perverted, the experiences gained actually enriched me, made me wiser, and gave me certain semblance of wisdom.

In the process of seeking recovery of my health, I was also constantly being reminded by my well intended friends that, I should not rely on the doctors and modern medicines for cure, because ultimately healing comes from the Almighty. I have no problem seeking divine help for spiritual guidance to support my decisions. But to ignore treament from doctors and modern medicine is an illogical act of commiting harakiri. In this regards, I choose to ignore their advises because the words said that “Put not your trust in princes, nor in the son of man, in whom there is no help. His breath goeth forth, he returneth to his earth; in that very day his thoughts perish.” (Psalm 146:3-4) I will decide on my next course of actions based on consultations with the good doctors, and do what I felt is best for myself. I believed, the Almighty will reveal to me as and when he see fit at a time of his choosing.

Occasionally, I indulged in the negative thoughts of fears, anxieties, and uncertainty, but, I also snapped out of it to pump my adrenalin with positive actions such as staying physically strong to fight the illness, and seeking solace in spiritually to boast my confidence and my mental strengths. I believe, to be healed, I need to work closely with my doctors, have faith in my built-in ability to trigger spontaneous healing, and faith in the Almighty to guide me and give me wisdom to decide my next course of action.

I used to say that, the mind is a very dangerous playground. But I realized, this is a very negative statement. Anything that relates to negativities is not conducive to my health and overall well being. So, I should rephrase that statement as “the mind is a wonderful playground” ! I believed, the whole process of seeking recovery of my health is actually a mind game, in a virtual playground, where I dictate the direction, intensity, and motive of the games. In my case, I know my body better than the doctor, and I also know, my mind control the actions and responses of every cells in my body. Theoretically speaking, I know the terrain of the playground and the luxury to set the rules of the game in this virtual playground. Therefore, I should be able to fight and win against cancer if I put mind into it. Who knows, at the end of the game, I may even shout in jubilations and reminiscing the process, and pat my back that, it is a game well played and well won.

For the time being, I need to stay fit with regular exercise, eat healthily, stay logical, and be mindful of my state of mental well being. The game had begun, like it or not, it is a marathon game of endurace. Rather than complaining about the pains and discomforts, I might as well count my blessing that I was given this unique opportunity to fight for my life, and enjoy the process of gaining the experiences and wisdoms from the extremities of this playground. If I win, I know I will, and I shall win with honours and prides.

Looking forward again.....

2009-05-12T21:24:00.001+08:00

I woke up this morning with the usual pain and discomfort. I just don't know, although I did have good sleep yesterday night, but I still feel very tired , restless, and moody. I did not even bother to pick up or enquire from the hospital the new blood test result. I acknowledge that, after all, the technicians at the hospital are only human, and humans do make mistakes once in a while. My health condition dictates that, I should not stress myself unnecessary for minor issues. It is best that I move forward with my treatment regime.

I was very reluctant, but at the insistence of my wife, I went to a private diagnostic lab this morning to have a new blood test again. The technician at the private lab had difficulty to obtain blood sample from my arm. First, they poked the needle into my right arm but was not successful to draw the blood into the syringe, then they discarded the needle. Another new needle was then used to jab into my left arm, after much difficulty, they managed to obtain the needed quantity of blood for the test. The technician claimed that it is quite difficult to locate the veins and my blood was too thick. I think, after all those intravenous drip of chemo drugs, anesthetics, and blood tests, I am beginning to develop some minor form of thrombosis. I am not having a phobia for needles, but am beginning to get very fed-up of having needle poking into my arm for all the unwelcome reasons.

Looking back and projecting forward, I became increasingly impatient and worry about my treatment progress. It is frustrating to endure all these pains and discomforts with no predictable end in sight. I was told, if the football team is not on a winning streak, then the team coach should be changed. Likewise, if I am not satisfy with my treatment progress, perhaps, I should seriously look into seeking treatment from another Oncologist. In addition, my wife was advised by her friends, and has been nagging me to change doctor. I know, their intentions are good, but it indirectly also created unnecessary pressure on me to make another major decision soon. It is indeed very stressful to be sicked ! I think I will just ignore all these well intended advises, and make my decision at a time of my own choosing.

With the preoccupation with the treatment protocols, the side effects, the pains, and discomforts, I asked myself, Am I living life no more ? I just want to have a quality existence and live life to the fullest. Where can I find peace and have peace of mind ? A friend of mind suggested that I seek abode at a Buddhist temple and practice meditation there. It is not such a bad idea at all. Maybe I should consider this option seriously.

Well, life is tough ! Perhaps tomorrow will be better........... Praise the Lord ?

It's been a rough day..........

2009-05-11T23:11:00.001+08:00

I went to my scheduled appointment at the hospital today at around 8:00AM. As usual, I need to go to the diagnostic lab to have my blood sample taken for test. Today seemed to be a bit unusual, after three hours of waiting, the lab test result is still not out yet, and I was informed by the lab technician that they have to restart the machine to conduct the test again. And when the lab report was out finally, I got a shock to read that the cancer marker went up by 40% compared to the previous lab result which was obtained from Aenon about 10 days ago. I consulted the lab technician, she agreed that there might be a mistake in the lab analysis, and asked me to wait for another hour or so for them to do the analysis again.

I have no problem waiting for another hour for them to re-analyze the blood sample. My concern is, if the hospital lab technician have no confident in the first lab report, I doubt they can come out with an accurate analysis on the same machine. I honestly believe that, the hospital diagnostic equipment for the blood analysis is outdated, not functioning properly, and seriously need re-calibration. There is no point for m to wait for another hour or so to obtain a lab report that could be positively wrong or positively right. I decided not to wait for new analysis report and proceed to my appointment with the doctor.

The doctor concluded that the new lab result is out of norm, and agreed that I should do my blood test at outside independent lab in the future. The doctor suggested to maintain the existing treatment strategy for another month, and decide the next course of action after completion of the 30 days treatment regime. I have no problem with the continuation of this treatment strategy. In the absent of accurate data, the best option for me is to maintain status and hope for the best.

I also consulted the doctor on my increasing lack of appetite, the doctor suggested and prescribed Magase, a female hormone, which he believed can help me to improve my appetite. Female hormone ? I do hope, I don't end developing the side effects of having bigger breasts and developing funny voice !

Today seemed like a longer usual period for me to stay in the hospital, partly due to the delay of blood test at the lab. I am a bit dissapointed with the blood test result and it does caused me a lot of anxieties. After so many months of dealing with treatment issues, I guess one more surprise is not going dent my determination to get wel soon. I had dig trenches, if it is going to be a long and winding road ahead, then so be it. I will just take it in my stride and fight on. By the time, I reach home, it is almost 2:00PM in the afternoon and I am so worn out and tired. I dozed off to a much need sleep and woke out at 6:30PM in the evening ! It looks like I am going to have problem sleeping tonight again.....

I am very tired. . But, I must move on stay focus in my fight to regain my health.

Live worthily..........

2009-05-08T21:00:00.001+08:00

The past one week has been a very challenging period for me. I am also beginning to notice the physiological changes within me. In addition to the increase frequency of discomforts in my abdominal area and back, I am also easily absent minded to the extended of having difficulty remembering my previous actions, my skin, especially at the facial area is growing sensitive, thin, and easily scratched, and the most irritating part is, I am easily lapsed into mood swings. These cancer cells are nasty and trying all sort of maneuvers to demotivating me. Never in my life I was compelled to endure these challenges for such a long time ! Well, they picked the wrong target, I will do all that are necessary to exterminate and flush out all those unwanted mutant cells in my body.

Those targeted drugs must have wrecked havoc in my body, or am I slowly losing my sanity and logical ability to control my state of being ? It is frustrating of not being able to assert greater control on my mind and body. I know, being what I am, I will find a way to counter and take control of the situation. The only option when dealing with the matter of survival is to fight and keep on fighting to WIN. I know I am made of flesh and blood, but the fusion of flesh and blood in my body will give me the steely determination to reclaim my territorial rights over my mind and body.

Frankly speaking, although my cancer marker's indicator is on the decreasing trend, but I do not know whether I am getting better or slowly losing my fight against this cancer thingy. At times, the continuing discomforts is slowly breaking my determination to shoulder on. I do have my occasional fears of losing my ability to fight like a real fighter, and sometimes, these fears do lapsed me into a momentary dark tunnel, hoping for lights at the other end to guide me out. But when a light finally appeared from the other end, my mind lapsed into fear again, because I feared the light at the other end could be from an coming train. There has been too many surprises and false hopes, far too many than I can cope to deal with the management of my treatments. How do I look forward to the future when the present is at doubt ? I had learned, no matter what I do, there are always times where I do not have control of future events. Between fight and flight, I will never surrendered myself to fear. I would rather sail through the storms, let the future events unfold to surprise me and be surprised with my adaptive resourcefulness. Through the grace of the Almighty, I have gained enough experiences that gave me the wisdoms to neutralize negative situation and emerged stronger.

I realized, my appetite is getting from bad to worst, I am having troubles trying to consume solid foods. I do not know whether this is a normal side effect of the drugs, or maybe it is a psychological resistant. Every time I tried to chew the foods, everything does taste like saw dusts. The more I tried to chew, the more the frustrations grow within me, because it is just too difficult to swallow the food. But the most beautiful thing is, the Almighty had given me the strength to modify my eating behavior, and I am slowly beginning to adapt with alternative eating habit to stay healthy and alive ! If those cancer cells thought that they can squeeze me into malnutritions, definitely they are in for a big surprise. I had learned to handle my fears, anxieties, and frustrations, I will find a way to stay healthy to improve my immune system to activate my spontaneous healing capability to counter attacks the cancer cells into extinctions. As long as I still hold the last breath, to throw in the tower now is not part of my game plan.

I must admit, sometimes, I do have fears dealing with uncertainties. But as a man, it is my responsibility to act brave, and pretend to be brave, because others may not tell the difference ! The important thing is, let not our negative emotion affects the emotional wellbeings of our loved ones.

For a kite to soar high, it must fly against the strong winds ! The Almighty had given me this opportunity to sail through these difficult patches of life, and I know, it will make me stronger and wiser. I know, the odds are against me, but my purpose is not to quit. Like a kite, I shall soared higher against the turbulent winds !

I love this life, and I shall Live Worthily !!!!

My Perak.....

2009-05-07T22:51:00.001+08:00

Of prayers and healing...........

2009-05-07T19:00:00.000+08:00

Of late, my hand phone and mailbox has been bombarded with a lot of “words of God” from well intended people. It has been indeed becoming very stressful to read all those SMSes and emails. To stay focus to my treatment strategies and keep my stress level to the minimum, I unsubscribed from all the egroups, set my hand phone to silent mood which naturally resulted in a lot of missed calls, and automatically delete all incoming SMSes. To a certain extend, this action helped me to attain certain level of peace of mind for the time being.

While I am battling my survival and dealing with the treatment issues, on almost daily basis, I was advised to have more faith in the almighty, and to conduct aggressive prayers to claim the healing verses of the scripture. I was even told that, the doctor can only treat signs and symptoms, but the ultimate healing comes from the Almighty. I believed, I am still a logical man. As much as I recognized the need to have greater faith in the Almighty, I must also acknowledge the fact that, healing comes from within, and modern medicines play a vital role in our struggle to recover from chronic illnesses.

Let me put it this way, I was and am sicked, is probably due to my weakened immune system. So the natural and logical action for me to pursue, is to consult and seek treatment from a qualified medical practitioners. Of course, offering prayers to the Almighty to seek divine intervention is another spiritual approach. But I failed to understand the need to conduct daily prayers. I have faith that the Almighty is a all knowing merciful God, and definitely he is not an absent minded God ! Times and repeatedly I was being reminded by well intended friends that because I did not offer prayer unceasingly on daily basis, I would be viewed as not having strong faith in the Almighty ! Well, if that is the narrow minded interpretation of how one perceived my relationship with, and my faith in the Almighty, then Amen, and so be it.

Believe it or not, it takes so much more faith and strength to recognized the fact that, healthy people can go around praising the Lord for their good health, and sicked people have to accept the fact that they have to continue to suffer in silent while the Almighty is testing their faiths. Forgive me, my heavenly father, I think this concept of spiritual relationship do at times sound very perverted to me. Nevertheless, as a God fearing person, I accept the fact that my sickness is a form of punishment the Almighty meted out to me for my previous sins. My life is created by the Almighty, it is his prerogative to take this life as and when he see fit. In the mean time, while waiting for the passage to paradise, it is my duty to have a sound mind to continue to seek treatments from the doctors, and live life as logical as possible.

Come to think of it, over the previous few months, I had been bombarded with a lot of spiritual advises to seek healing from the Almighty. At times, it is very stressful for me to reconcile this spiritual needs with modern medicines. One thing for sure, and I do know, to improve my chances of recovery, I must eliminate all possible sources of stress. So, for the time being, possibly over the next few month, I will adopt a secular lifestyle, and imposed self “exile” from spirituality. So, no more attending churches for the time being.

Of course, I am still faithful to the merciful Almighty. I will still pray to the Almighty in the privacy of my home and communicate to him as and when the needs arose. I don't think I need to be a hypocrite to showcase loud prayers or worships to the whole world. I believed, my heavenly father prefers to listen to me in the privacy of my own home.

Oh Almighty, forgive me if I sin, I am, after all, a logical man trying to be a spiritual man in a secular world.

明天會更好. Praise the Lord.......

The week that was.....

2009-05-03T23:30:00.001+08:00

I checked out from Aenon Health Farm on Thursday morning. Overall, the past five days at Aenon has been an enjoying and relaxing experience. I did acquired a little bit more knowledge about becoming a vegan, how to prepare simple vegetarian dishes, nutritional values of fruits and vegetables, and some basic life style adjustments. Unbelievable !!! this carnivorous is on the verge of becoming a vegetarian. Do I look forward to plant based diet ? Why not ?

At the centre, one of the volunteer commented that I look positive and cheerful as a cancer patient. I don't know, maybe I am getting used to managing my health issues for the past few months. On a practical note, what choice do I have in dealing with this dreaded health issue ? Instead of self pity and living in fear, I might as well find means and ways to motivate myself to live life as it is, and happily. However, deep within me, I do have this occasional fights within me, trying to balance my daily fears and anxieties of the illness against the reality of my situation, and the need to be strong for myself and my family. Overall, I thank the Almighty for giving me the wisdom and grace to shoulder this emotional uncertainties. I accepted the fact that I am sick, but I will not give up my fight against this chronic illness. As much as I surrendered my life to the Almighty to dictate, I will also do all that within my capabilities to sustain my fight till my last breath. I know, with determination, I shall overcome, and I will recover from this unwelcome illness. I will not allow fears and uncertainties to hold me back to live life to the fullest.

At home on Friday, I had a rather relaxing time. Throughout the day, I was a little bit dozy and lazy, probably due to the relaxing pace of life during the previous few days. I was also quite happy to see my son's girlfriend, who came back for holiday from Indonesia.

On Saturday, I was attacked with another bout of severe pain at abdominal and back area. Although, my cancer marker is on a decreasing trend, but I do noticed, the bouts of pains are becoming quite frequent. I do hope my situation is not turning toward the worst. Being positive, I would like to treat these bouts of attack as healing crisis. And hopefully, the attacks tapper off eventually. My son and his girlfriend also accompany me to a medical supplies shop to buy an Infra Red Light Device to be used at home to relief my pain. So far, the penetrating warmness generated by the infrared light device does help to contain my pain to a certain extent.

Towards Sunday evening, the pain at the back subsided and the pain at the abdominal area became more manageable. I do hope I can have a good night sleep tonight ! It is rather irritating and uncomfortable to have disturbed sleeps caused by the random attack of pains over the previous few nights.

明天會更好. Praise the Lord. Good NiteZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......

Day 4 at Aenon....

2009-04-29T22:30:00.001+08:00

Time flies, this is my fourth day at Aenon Health Farm. I had my usual fruit juice for breakfast, attended cooking class, and presentation on nutritions. After 3 days of fasting, I break my fast at lunch by taking a quarter bowl of potato soup. The soup smelled good, I really wanted to finis the whole bowl because I was really hungry ! But my taste bud or appetite failed me again. I just found it difficult to finish the bowl of delicious soup. What a waste !!!

I received my blood test result this afternoon. Overall, all the indicators are within the normal range with the exception of thte CA Marker. As compared to my previous blood test about three weeks ago, my CA marker has dropped another 20%. So, I think I am on the right track where the marker is showing a decreasing trends.

Tomorrow will be my last day at Aenon. So, have I really benefited from this short stay ? Or, rather what have I learned from this short stay ? I guess, the kind people at the farm keep emphasize to me that, the only way to stay healthy and to recover my health is to stay with plant based diet, refrained from animal based food, and do not take processed or refined food ! In another word, be a disciplined vegetarian ! In addition, the health farm also preach the philosophy of holistic personal health management by adopting “New Start” - Nutrition, Exercise, Water, Sun, Temperance, Air, Rest, and Trust in God. I really have nothing to lose, I might as well gave this philosophy a try after I checked out from Aenon.

Day 4 at Aenon is just like the day before – predictable and easy going, no pressure , and having the luxury of living life as it is, in fact, I think I am beginning to like this kind of life style. Towards the evening, I sneaked out to visit the town centre. I went to the famous Tan Kim Hock Specialty Store to buy some foods and souvenir items, but the store was closed at 7:00pm. So no luck. I went to Jonker Street, but was told that, the street is only open for trading on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Again, I ran out of luck to shop for specialty items. AT the end, I went to Mahkota Shopping centre and Pahlawan shopping centre, but didn't find anything of interest. I came back to the Health farm at around 10:00pm where the medical assistant bandaged me with the usual nightly “Charcoal Pad” at my pancreas area to reduce the pain.

I did not really have a good night sleep yesterday, but did manage to catch good naps after breakfast. I felt so much better today compared to yesterday. Praise the Lord....

Day 3 at Aenon....

2009-04-28T18:09:00.002+08:00

Today is my 3rd day at Aenon. I was not able to sleep well yesterday because of constant irritating discomfort at my back. But during the day, I did managed to doze off to catch the much needed short sleep.

This is also my third day of fasting. As usual, I have mix fruit juices for breakfast, lunch, and dinner today. I was given a light massage, “foot bath”, and an infra red treatment. Same as yesterday, I attended a cooking class at the kitchen, and as well as attended a heath talk on stress management and nutritions.

After lunch, an old friend came visiting me, and I managed to sneak out to the nearby beach to break the monotonous nature of life at the health farm. I dow wonder why am I here making my life so boring, after all, I don't think I have much time left. Perhaps, my only purpose here is to seek solace with my self that, with the knowledge on how to change my life style and habit, I may be able to reverse the cancer growth and be healthy again.

Today, I also read an article on cancer, where it states that, statistically, a pancreatic cancer patient has less than 3% chances of surviving more than 5 years. Scary !!! Well, I had been carrying the pancreatic tumour for about a year now, and four years remaining seemed like only a short distant away. What is my percentage of surviving this chronic illness ? Only the Almighty know. It is really up to him to make a way for me, or to break my way. I leave it to him to decide my fate. For the word said "I have plans for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:11-13). And, I hope the Almighty listened to my prayer and deliver his promises......

Come to think of it, today is not really a bad day at all. Praise the Lord....

Day 2 at Aenon....

2009-04-27T20:48:00.003+08:00

I did not have a good night sleep yesterday. As a matter of fact, I always have problem sleeping during the first night in a new environment. So, it is not a major issue for me to miss some good sleeps under new environemnt. Hopefully, tonight, I can have a good restful sleep.

I woke up today at 6:00AM in the morning. First thing I do is to take my daily dosage of Tarceva. At around seven, I was given a glass of Aloe Vera juice and a small glass of psyllium husks. My breakfast for today is a big glass of Apple & Guava juice. After breakfast, I did some light stretching and breathing exercise, followed by a brisk walk around the health farm.

As for lunch, I had a big glass of beetroot and carrot juices. And Dinner is not so exciting either, all I have for dinner is a glass of Apple and Guava juice. The funny thing is, I don't really feel hungry at all. Probably I am already used to taking mixed fruits and vegetable juices as full meals. Anyway, today is my second day of fasting........

After lunch, I went through the treatment of “Fever Bath”, where I was put into a bath tub with hot water to raise my body temperature to approximately 40 deg C. The objective is to create an artificial fever to stimulate my white blood cells to enhance my immune system. After the “treatment”, I went into my room to rest and to calm down my irregular heartbeats. In the evening before bed time, I also went through half an hour of infra red treatment to reduce my back pains, and “Charcoal” treatment to sooth the discomforts at my pancreas.

Today, I did learn a number of things. I learned how to make vegetarian Thosai pancake, Chutney , and vadei. Not bad for an ignoramus MCP trying his hand at the kitchen to learn how to cook ! I also attended a presentation on “Juicing” and Nutritions. Hopefully, the fruits juicing can equip me with better nutritional knowledge to help me to fight my battle against cancer.

On proper nutritions, I was told that the best way to stay healthy is to commit to vegetarian diets, because the bible said that "Behold I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat." ( GENESIS 1:29 ) I also learned that, pork and all value added products related to pork are bad for health. The scripture also mentioned that “And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be cloven footed, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you”. “Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcass shall ye not touch, they are unclean to you.” [Leviticus 11:7-8] So, from today onward, bye bye Bak Kut the, Bacon, and Ham,.......

Now, How about sea foods, I was told it is healthy to eat sea foods of any kinds except those without Fins and Scales. The book of Leviticus stated that “But all in the seas or in the rivers that do not have fins and scales, all that move in the water or any living thing which is in the water, they are an abomination to you.” So, from now on, no Abalone dishes, Shark fin Soup, Crabs, etc.....

I went through the second without any boredom, in fact, it is a fruitful day today ! Praise the Lord....

Recuperating at Aenon Health Farm...

2009-04-26T18:48:00.002+08:00

Today, I checked into Aenon Health Farm at around 1:00PM. Aenon health farm is located at Bukit Rambai, about 15 minutes drive from the Ayer Keroh toll exit. After checked in, I took a light vegetarian lunch, then go into my room for a rest.

At around 2:30pm, one of the staff at Aenon gave a presentation of the important of fresh air and breathing techniques. After the presentation, I have a private consultation with the resident doctor who perform some basic medical checks on me and as well as obtaining background medical information from me.

My 5 days stay here probably is going to cost me around RM 1,400/=. I was also given the program for my next five days stay at Aenon. Tomorrow, they will take my urine and blood sample for test. The doctor also prescribed some hot bath therapy ( to induce hypothermia or something like that) over the course of my stay, and 3 days fasting to abstain from solid foods. During the fasting period, they will provide me with fruit juices only. The fasting start this evening ! And my dinner for this eveningwill be a big glass of green apple juice.....

Well, after months of treatments for cancer without any real significant success, I really do not have much expectations from my stay at Aenon. Maybe the stay here can give me some peace of mind, and the kampung's greeneries can do some good to trigger my self healing mechanisms. Moreover, my 5 days stay here can also give my wife a much needed rest at home. I know, for the past 8 months or so, it'd been hellish and very tiring for my wife to provide care to me. I do sincerely hope the Almighty up there can heal me soon so that I won't inconvenience so many people.

The longest day.....

2009-04-23T14:19:00.002+08:00

I was having an emotionally drenching period since 9:00AM yesterday. My son was admitted to a private hospital in Subang Jaya yesterday morning after complaining about stomach discomfort for almost two weeks.

He consulted a private doctor about two weeks ago and was prescribed with antibiotic, but the problem persists. About week ago, he consulted a Gastrointestinal Specialist at the private hospital. The specialist prescribed some medications, but the medications did not ease his discomfort. A day before yesterday, he conveyed to me that the discomfort is not getting any better, and he is also encountering back pains. I got alarmed about his health condition and worried that there maybe some other bigger health issues involved. My son told me that he will have to go back to consult the specialist again the next day.

My son was accompanied by my wife to the hospital yesterday morning. Due to my recent health condition, my wife advised me to stay at home. She SMSed me later that the doctor admitted my son for further diagnostic tests and evaluations. I waited at home anxiously hoping that everything will turn out okay for my son. By 6:00PM yesterday, they are still at the hospital. I was getting a little bit more worries, so I asked my brother to drive me to the hospital to assess the situation myself.

I was informed that, my son has gone through blood test, urine test, ultrasound, endoscopy, colonoscopy, and is due to be scan by MRI at 8;00PM that evening. I stay back at the hospital to await for my son to go through the MRI which was completed by 9:30PM. But the imaging result will only be out the next day. I left the hospital with more lingering worries.......

Today, my wife visited my son in the hospital. The MRI imaging result came out at around 12:30 noon. The doctor advised that, all the tests did not indicate any serious problem. So, they still can not find out the underlying problem of my son. My son was advised to go for cystoscopy later in the afternoon to assess the condition of bladder and urethra. So within 2 days, this poor young man had to go through so many tests. First, they scoped through his anus, then the mouth, then pumping dyes into his body to take images of his internal organs, now they also want to scope through his penis ! Modern medicines, I shake my head …..

I do hope the Cystoscopy will be the last medical procedure the good doctor is going to perform on my son to identify the root problems. It is unbearable for me to see my son go through this medical procedures. I know, he is a brave young man because he is my son !

My wife keep telling me not to worry too much about my son. The problem is, how can I not worry about my son ? He is my son, and I want him to come back home as soon as possible. I can't bear to see the fears, desperations, and anxieties written all over his face, or am I over recting. Whatever it is, my son is still in the hospital, and the past 30 hours or so has been a difficult longest day for me..

The funny guy up there do have a very perverted sense of naughtiness. Hey, enough is enough ! Don't you think I had been through enough of all these nonsenses ?

To eat or not to eat ?

2009-04-21T15:44:00.000+08:00

The ancient Chinese philosopher, Confucius, once made a famous statement “食色性也", translated, it means, “Food and Sex, yeah !” Since time immemorial, food and sex has been an integral part of human lifestyle.

As a cancer patient, I went through seven rounds of intravenous chemotherapies spreading over a period of six months, and currently is on my 3rd month of oral chemotherapy. With all those cocktails of chemo drugs being pumped into the body, my body experienced many side effects associated with the treatment regime.

While under treatments, the two most common side effects are the impact of chemo drugs on sex drive and ability to enjoy foods. For a cancer patient, the priority of having and enjoy sex is not really a matter of great concern. A person can go on without sex for many months or even years, and I don't really think it is going to affect a person chances of survival. I had my fair share of frustrations dealing with this matter, and I do not think it is appropriate for me to elaborate how I overcome this department. As for me, my personal opinion is, sex drive while during treatment is more a matter of psychology and emotional issues, rather than a physical or physiological issues.

So, the issue of sex is not really a matter of great concern to me during the treatment period. After all, you won't die for lack of sex. Look at it a the positive side, deprivation of sex probably quicken the pace for you to achieve spiritual enlightenment ! One of these day, I will visit the monastery to consult to monks or lammorloh how they manage without sex and still stay contentedly happy and at peace.

On a serious note, foods is a matter of great concern to me during the treatment period. If the body is not nourished with the adequate and right foods, you probably would die of malnutritions rather cancer itself. My personal experience is, after going through the chemotherapy regime, my eating problem is a nightmare to me. I no longer know what kind of solid foods I can take without being rejected by my now chemical ladened body. Sometimes, a mere cooking smell from the kitchen made me involuntarily wanted to throw out, and sometimes, the sight and colour of certain foods made me reject the food instantaneously. The worst part is, some times, you tried to force feed yourself, but the moment the foods is in your month, the more you chew, the more nauseated you became, and you end up being frustrated and wanting to let out your foul moods.

I know, my wife take great pains and times to prepare the foods for me, but sometimes, I am just not able to eat the foods. As a husband, from her body language, I know, she take my rejection of the foods as rejection of her love. At times, I do feel very guilty of this new acquired fuzziness in foods. The doctor did prescribed some appetite stimulating pills for me, but so far it doesn't work on me. My wife did tried to be a bit creative by asking me t participate in planning for the foods I take. For example, she do occasionally asking me “What kind of foods you want to eat today ?” Well, the problem is, this is the most challenging question to me because I no longer know what kind of food I can take without rejections. My usual answer is to asked her to prepare the foods she like, and I will take it from there. With this arrangement, at least, if I am unable to eat the prepared foods, she can still take it without wastages.

Ir is suicidal to refrain from foods. As an alternative, I resort to make organic soya bean milk as protein source, blending fresh vegetables and fruits into liquid as drinks, and other nutritional supplements. I had been mixing and changing the varieties and combinations of vegetables and fruits as liquid foods. So far, it works and managed to keep my body nourished to fight the cancer cells.

Hmmm.... I missed my favorite Bak Kut Teh, Roast Pork, Char Siew Fan, Char koay Teow, etc. !!!!!

Nine Months....

2009-04-20T22:27:00.002+08:00

What is nine months ? Well, usually it takes nine months for a mother to create a new life from point of conception to delivery. As for me, I had been through more than eight months of roller coaster ride dealing with the management of my cancer treatment regime. As I approach the ninth month of my treatment regime, metaphorically speaking, I will be born again as a new person with different perspective and different expectation of life. Nine months is a long period of time if you are living it at one day at a time dealing with all the negativities of cancer and its treatment's side effects. At the end of it, would I be really a healed and reborn person ? Come what may, I look forward to welcome my new “status”.

Like a pregnant woman, I went through nine months of daily nauseating experience of having something between my throat and stomach that trigger the unwelcome symptoms of wanting to vomit. I also went through the experience of having problems with foods, occasional constipations, self awareness of changes in my body, the occasional mood swings, etc. At the end of the ninth month, would this insignificant soul be liberated with renewed vigor to shoulder on with the challenging journey ahead ? Or the Almighty will just give me a new mask to put on to hide my tormented soul ? I don't know.

Wow, nine months ! It is indeed an amazing experience for me. I guess I am somehow lucky to be blessed with this inconvenient opportunity of experiencing the extremities of emotions, anxieties, and uncertainties. I think it made me a “complete” man. On the positive side, at least I survived nine months of difficult period. It gave me enough experience to fine tune my strategies to combat those unwanted cancerous cells.

Nine months, ninth month, I look forward to this metaphorical status of being born again. As it is, the previous eight months has equipped me with the desires to love, be loved, and live right. I am also more aware of the need to understand and invest in the kingdom of the Almighty. I guess I will be like a new baby sponging my eagerness to learn more about the good words of the almighty and his glory. Indeed I look forward to the Almighty to free myself from all curses, guilts, and sins, and be blessed with the wisdom to live life wholesomely and healthily, free from all diseases and sicknesses.

Of course I am not talking about re-living life again ! I had a fantastic, amazing, and enriched journey thus far, I praise the Almighty for giving me this unique experience of living a life of no regrets. I honestly do not wish to have the ability to turn back the clock to relive those portion of life where I can right the wrongs. That was my purpose to live through those patches of life. And along the process, I was strengthened by the Almighty amidst the storms, and was prepared for new journey ahead. As a consequent of my previous nine months of extra ordinary journey, I believed, the Almighty has a new purpose for me to live a new life again, I am looking forward a new direction in life and awaiting his revelations.

"Unless a man is born again, he can not see the Kingdom of God." ( John 3:3). Well, After nine months of challenging gestation period, the Almighty has blew his breath into me, I am now ready to be born again, and to live life again.

Praise the Lord............

Looking back.......

2009-04-19T23:12:00.005+08:00

Time flies, 8 enlightening months had passed since I was diagnosed with Cancer. I know, my chances of recovery is good as long as I can keep waking up the next day ! So every morning when I woke up and felt the sharp tearing pains at my abdominal areas and backs, I said praises and thank the Almighty for allowing me the luxury to feel the pains ! Because a dead body would not be able to feel any pain at all. At least with the pain, I know I am still alive and gearing to face the challenge of the day. I am getting pervertedly oxymoronic ? I shake my head....

Looking back, the previous eight months has given me the luxury to be enlightened with knowledges of human characters. When I was on medical leave, I was extremely sad to learn that my most trusted assistant is actually a gang leader in my company conducting criminal breach of trust to steal money from the company. I also have a close relative who I helped the most, never visited me once during my sickness, but send occasional sarcastic emails to me, because he felt that I did not offer more help to him. There are friends who tried to make money from me during my time of desperations. There are also many other instances of unacceptable behaviors from people I know. Generally, these behaviors are driven by human being's greeds and ungratefulness. In a way, I thank the Almighty for unmasking them. As a God fearing person, I shall obey his command to forgive them, but I will also need to built a firewall around my family to protect ill intents being committed against my family members.

Of course, I am also extremely lucky to be blessed with so many good friends and relatives that offer supports during the times of my health crisis. The past eight months were actually a period of blessings where I was given opportunities to be drawn closer to my friends and relatives. It is the support and encouragement rendered by these group of friends and relatives that gave me the courage and will to fight on. Sometimes, the Almighty indeed work in a very miraculous way to make us aware and beware of the people surrounding us.

During the past 8 months, I looked towards evident based medicine and faith in the Almighty in my efforts to seek recovery of my health. So far, there are improvements in my health, but not significant enough for me to jump with great joy. I guess, with Chronic illness like cancer, there is only so much modern medicine can help. With regards to having faith in the Almighty for healing, I guess I can go on praying to the Almighty for healing, but I am also a practical man. Mrylogical reasoning is, if the Almighty want to heal me, he would have heal me long time ago. I think I will not indulge in anymore prayers to seek interventions of the Almighty for recovery of my health. I think the Almighty is too busy to answer my prayers. From now on, if I want to get well soon, it is now up to me to condition my frame of mind to activate new strategies to fight on.

The mind is the most dangerous playground, but it is also the most powerful weapon against illnesses. I believe, I can find a way to control mind to activate healing within me to destroy the cancer cells and tumor in my body. I will have to find a way for my mind to establish control over my body. All I need to do now is, Think Positive, regular exercise through Qi Qong, and Change my diet to vegetarian diets. Of course, I will still continue with my present daily oral chemo drugs as long as the good doctor think it is necessary.

They said, what you think, you become. I think, I am going to win this war against cancer and emerged as a warrior. I will and I shall........................

Life

2009-04-19T21:57:00.002+08:00

LIFE
by Poh Lye Suan

Life is short,
Take a break, take a breath,
Don’t stress, don’t freak out,
Live life to the fullest,
There is no second chance.

Life is short,
Learn to love truly,
Hug warmly, kiss passionately,
And don’t forget to say ‘I love you’
To your loved ones.

Life is short,
Life is the most precious gift from God,
Life is worthless,
Till the day sickness comes.

Don’t look back as the past is already gone,
Don’t look forward for it has not come,
Don’t regret anything you did as it has passed,
Live your life and treasure everything around you.

Life is short, yet beautiful,
Life is priceless, yet no one treasures,
Life is sweet, yet sometimes painful,
No matter what, don’t let anything ruin your life.

About pains and discomforts

2009-04-15T20:33:00.003+08:00

I had trouble sleeping yesterday night. I was not indulging in unnecessary fears, anxieties, or whatever negative emotions. The whole night, I was troubled by pain at my back and abdominal area. I tried to be very calm, took deep breaths, but the pains and body discomforts kept me awake, even when I managed to doze off, the pains kept waking me up again and again. It is frustrating to be bothered by this inability to have good sleep.

This is probably one of the worst attack of pain and discomfort I encountered so far. The psychological impact of the pain is so overwhelming that I have difficulty swallowing or chewing my foods, I lost my appetite for foods today. I tried to control the pains and discomforts, but end up at the losing end. It is humiliating not being able to use my mind to exercise control over my body.

I woke up this morning tired and in foul mood. The pains and discomforts are still there, and the whole morning and afternoon, I encountered non stop attacks of sharp pulling pains at the back of my body. I tried to do fast pace walking around the housing estate in the morning, trying my level best to increase the intake of oxygen and stretching my muscle to overcome the pains. I also tried to do some strenuous gardening works with the hope of tiring down my body and thus divert my attention from the physical discomforts. But the pain has been very persistent and at times unbearable. I felt like my body is splitting into two. I guess this is one of the few occasions where my mind lose control over my body. I do wonder whether my condition has deteriorated. I do felt like giving up, but I know, surrendering is not my option. Not matter how unbearable the situation is, it is my obligation to fight on, I really do not want to behave like a coward in the eyes of my children.

I fought to control the pains, and I did fought hard. I contain myself in the room in the afternoon, lying on hard surface, to practice deep breathing exercises. Luckily, probably due to lack of sleep the night before, and the strenuous morning exercise, while in the midst of doing the breathing exercise, I unconsciously drifted into a much welcome sleep for probably an hour or so. I woke up much more relaxed and in better control of my mind and body. I thank the Almighty for soothing my tired body and lessen my pains.

Throughout the remaining of the day, though the pains and discomforts still lingered on, but it was much more bearable. But whatever it is, honestly, I do hate cancer ! I will make sure I will fight them with everything I have. I will make these unwelcome cancer cells pay a price for their uninvited attack on my body. Sooner or later, I will exterminate all of them and purge them out of my body for good. I will fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight........................ I know, as long as I don't lose faith in my spontaneous self healing ability to recover my health, sooner or later, I will be well soon, free from all those unwelcome pains and discomforts, be able to sleep and eat better, and enjoy my daily life in the company of family members and friends.

I hope tonight the pains and discomforts do not attack me again. All I want is just a good night sleep ! My dear Almighty heavenly father, would you see to it that I have a good sleep and rest tonight ?

笑看風雨

2009-04-14T16:47:00.001+08:00

I had not been to office for quite sometimes, but last month, I received an anonymous email giving details of a personnel conducting moon lighting business in the office, I verified the information, and found the allegation to be true. Surprisingly, I was not angry at all. I had been bothered by the high overheads in the office and was trying to find a humane way to cut down head counts, the incident gave me the needed ammunition to persuade the involved personnel to resign voluntarily. Before the personnel resign, he informed me that he is not alone, but was assisted by another staff to siphon business away from the company. I am indeed amazed by human characters, in good times, they called themselves brothers, but when cornered, they are wiling to sacrifice each other. And, that gave me another legitimate inspirations to further reduce the head count in the office. But don't get me wrong, I did not fire the second personnel ! All I did is, go to the office, ask the staff this question. “You know, actually I am very sad that when I am away on medical leave, there is a personnel taking opportunity to sabotage the company. Suppose you were me, what will you do when a staff are abusing company facilities and times to siphon business away from the company ?” He took the clue, and resign the following week. Sometimes, the Almighty does work in a miraculous way ! Well, I got rid of two dishonest personnel easily and at the same times achieve my objective of trimming down the costs of operations.

Honestly, I had lost all interests in the business since I was diagnosed with my present illness. I had been involved in this business for more than 15 years, and now, I had lost the enthusiasms of running and maintaining it. In the process of maintaining the business, a big part of my youth has gone. Looking back, there are always some happy moments, and there are also challenging moments. I can still vividly remember some of this wonderful moments, but, there are also some not so happy moments I choose to forget. I count my blessing that, the business allow me the opportunities to acquire some basic luxuries of life, putting my children through the college, and the acquisition of some real assets for raining days. Of course, the business also accord me the wisdom of understanding the various extremities of human natures. I honestly believed I overstayed my welcome in the industry, and would be glad to hand over ownership of the company to anybody who is willing to take over the responsibility from me. Whatever it is, as much as I want to dissociate myself from this responsibilities, I will never force my will unnecessarily onto others, I will take it easy and let nature take it course.

I had different perspective in life now. In the past, I worked hard to defend my livelihoods and desired to earn unlimited incomes for more secured and future financial comforts. But since I was diagnosed with this chronic illness, I questioned my priority in life, and realized my purpose in life is not about satisfying my material desires and securing future financial security. My purpose is to live life meaningfully and cherish every moment of it. I take inspiration from the Lord's prayer which states that “Give us this day or daily bread...” and “forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sins against us...” The Almighty will provide sufficient daily provisions to us. That is the Almighty's promise, and his words will not be returned to him void ! Why then are we still so preoccupied in wanting to make tomorrow's incomes today, and in the process made our lives miserables and corrupted ? I had also learned to eliminate negative emotional burden by letting go of hatreds and the unproductive desires of seeking revenge against those who betrayed me. I will be a hypocrite if I refused to forgive those who sin against me but expecting the Almighty to forgive my sin. The change in expectation and perspective of life has actually made me a man contented with his surrounding. I just want to live my remaining days of life in peace and joy. I believed, the Almighty will be graceful enough to grant me this desires.

I do wish I have the wisdom to inspire others to live an ethical life and the courage to live through life's difficult patches. But as an insignificant soul, it is not up to me to alter the course of my destiny. I believed, the Almighty shall lead and reveal to me my purpose incrementally as I walk this passage of life. Looking back, this passage of life has been a colorful journey of passions, colors, and spices of life, would you be able to keep all those spices of life in a special corner of your heart, and cherish the memories forever ? I looked at life this way, even in a state of motionless, life in itself is a journey in perpetual motion of time and space. Looking back, this journey leaves behind behind a trail of good times and bad times, As we move forward, those good times and bad times became memories, remained a thing of the past, and slowly fading away into insignificant.

Life in itself is a many splendor things. Let us live for the day and not unduly burdened with the uncertainty of tomorrow. Whatever that is going to happen, it will happen for a purpose. Don't waste your time repeatedly asking “Why me ?” or “Why US ?” Let us accept whatever that has been unfolded with a sense of serenity as part and parcel of our life's passage, so that, in tomorrow, we can look back to today as memories. While our mental capacity is still capable, let us count our blessing that we are still able to cherish those memories from the past.

Like it or not, I am almost half a century old, how long can I go on in this illusory world of materialisms ? I need a new perspective and a renewed spiritual commitment in search of a new paradise in my deluded mind....... Oh mighty Lord, will you help me to find me ? Let me not dream that impossible dream. I look at life differently now, I am the best at being worst, and let me be.

Well, I can go on with all these incoherent rantings........ but I need to take my medication NOW !!! Sayonara....

Breathing your way to Good Health

2009-04-13T14:28:00.003+08:00

As a cancer patient, I was recommended by the doctor to take up Qi Qong to complement my existing treatment regime. According to the good doctor, Qi Qong can enhance the oxygen intakes into the body to improve blood circulation to fight cancer and therefore improve my chances of recovery. I search through the net to look for a Qi Qong centre in Subang Jaya / USJ, and found the Chi Dynamics website.

Chi Dynamics is founded by Grandmaster Anthony Wee, and currently has centers in Australia, Singapore, Indonesia, United Kingdom, Thailand, and Malaysia. Chi Dynamics is a non political, non religious, and a non profit organization that promotes community health. In Subang Jaya and USJ area, there are three centers for Chi Dynamics. These centres are run by dedicated volunteers. The three centers are :

1. Goodyear Court 9, USJ Subang Perdana
2. Open Field near Keranji Apartment SS19/3
3. Lick Hung (C) Primary School. Jln. SS19/6

Do you know, breathing is an art ? I learned that, a normal breathing is not sufficient to pump in enough oxygen to nourish the body. At Chi Dynamics, they taught me 5 methods of Qi Breathings - Fu, Chui, Tu, Pi, Xi. These Block Breathings coupled with the developed exercise movements also enhance the general health of the 5 body internal organs ( Lungs, Heart, Liver and Spleen, Intestines/colons, Kidneys ). Another emphasis of Chi Dynamics is the destressing and detoxification exercises such as simulation of lymphatic drainage and lymphatic stretch. In addition, at Chi Dynamics, they also teach you how to tap the energy of the earth and Sun to activate the Qi within your body to stimulate the internal organs and promote general wellness.

For further information on training schedule and accessibility, you can contact Puan Khadijah HP: 019-3278092 or Mr. Eric Thean HP: 012-2633484. Or alternatively, you can send an email to me, I will try my best to acquire and forward to you whatever information that is available.

All the instructors at the centers are volunteers. To participate in the Chi Dynamics' exercise, you need to join the association as a member first with a small prescribed annual subscription fee or life membership fee. As a cancer patient, they waived my subscription fee.

My encounters with Chi Dynamics is still at the beginner's stage, and I had been participating in the group exercise every Saturday for slightly more than 2 months now. I was taught on the techniques of “Block Breathing” and “Qi Meditation”, I thoroughly enjoy these gracious exercise, and benefited from it in the form of mental alertness, reduced pains ( probably the Block Breathing techniques triggered the released of endorphins to counter the pains), and general confident in regaining my health. My objective in participating in Chi Dynamics is, hopefully, by gaining more knowledge in diaphramatic breathing and Qi Meditation, I can gain control over my physical and emotional states to activate self healing and self empowerment mechanism within me to counter cancer cells, enhancing my endocrine system, reducing body acidity by reducing stress, and to enhanced my overall immune system.

Although I am only involved in Chi Dynamics for slightly more than 2 months, but I felt very positive about its potential health benefits. I believed, Chi Dynamics can complement my existing treatment regime to help me to fight cancer by empowering me to achieve healthy mind and healthy body to trigger spontaneous self healing. For those of you who felt generally stressed, weaked, or in need of some regular exercise to enhance the general well being of mind and body, why not give Chi Dynamics a try ?

Now, here are some latest information from Chi Dynamics :

In conjuction with the opening ceremony of Chi Dynamics' main training centre, Grandmaster Anthony Wee will be conducting the following activities for the benefit of members and the public. Venue : 5-7-5 Block D5, Pusat Perdagangan Dana 1, Jalan PJU 1A/46, PJU1A, Petaling Jaya.

(1) ACU-CUPPING ( for Members and public)
Friday 1st May 2009 10:00AM – 12:00noon and 2:00OM – 4:30PM
Saturday 2nd May 2009 10:00AM – 12:00noon
Fees by donation only

(2) “Activate The Healer Within” ( for members only)
Saturday 2nd May 2009 02:00PM – 04:30PM
Fees RM 50

(3) “Cancer Care Workshop”
For cancer patients, care giers, pubic, and members. Limited to 30 participants only
Sunday 3rd May 2009 02:00PM to 05:00PM
Fees by donation only

Round 9 : Staying Alive....

2009-04-11T00:21:00.001+08:00

Yesterday, I applied for homestay from the hospital. This morning, I went back to the hospital again to discharge my self from the ward. Well, today marks the end of seven rounds of chemotherapy. Earlier in the week, I consulted the Oncologist who agreed with me to put aside the intravenous dripping of chemotherapy and just focus with the daily oral chemo drug. So, tomorrow marks the beginning of a new round of my fight against cancer. Well, after seven rounds of dreadful chemotherapy, I am still walking tall and in high spirit. I thank the Almighty for anointing me with the strength to fight on and shielded me from fears and anxieties.

Although the test conducted earlier in the week show a very positive result of improvement, but I need to work out a new strategy to fight even harder to counter those remnant cancer cells within me. So, what is my new strategy ?

For the next 30 days or so, I will work towards a “meatless diet” of vegetables and fruits, and at the same time carry on with Tarceva as my main daily drugs. On the physical aspects, I will still carry on with my daily morning walks, and hopefully have the stamina to practice Qiqong on daily basis. On spiritual level, the Almighty is my healer, I will pray more often to the Almighty, and read the scripture on daily basis, the words shall be my medicines. The Almighty is a merciful God, I know, he will answer my prayer and heal me in the event modern medicine does not provide the desired result. For I have the faith to claim that "The things which are impossible with men are possible with God." (Luke 18:27) and "But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing." (Psalm 34:10)

I had also enrolled myself to attend a 5 days health farm in Malacca. Hopefully, the combinations of these efforts can further achieve better remission results.

Looking back, it has been an expensive affair to receive all these cancer treatments. I am indeed very lucky to be blessed with the ability to meet this aspect of the financial obligations. The costs of treatments during the past seven months is around RM 100K. For example, a round of chemotherapy costs approximately RM 5K, and a 30 days supply of Tarceva costs approximately RM 8K. Sometimes, I do wonder how can all those poor cancer patients afford these expensive treatments ? I do hope the Health Ministry can do something to make treatments for chronic illness to be more readily accessible and affordable. If the government can spend billions of dollars buying weapon of destructions such as submarines, war plane, guns, bullets, etc., why can't these money be used to subsidize the costs of medicines ? There must be a way for the government to communicate to all those pharmaceutical companies to forgo a portion of their research and development costs to make the drugs affordable as part of their social obligations. I sincerely hope that all those pharmaceutical companies can have a heart to be compassionate to all those poor cancer patients.

Whatever it is, I realized, the past seven months or so has been an amazing journey of enlightenment for me, come what may, I shall keep my faith and fight a good fight to win this battle against cancer. I know, I will, and I shall overcome. Anyway, I got nothing to loose – If I win this battle against cancer, I shall be a walking testimony to glorify Almighty's greatness and goodness, and if I loose, the beautiful Kingdom of Almighty awaits me.

Praise the lord............

Round 8 : I smell victories..........

2009-04-06T17:55:00.003+08:00

Today, my wife and my goddaughter accompanied me to the hospital again to do my assessment test and to consult my oncologist on the next course of action. In addition to the unwavering support of my wife during my many trips to the hospital to receive my treatments and tests, my goddaughter has also been faithfully rendering her moral support to me in my times of health crisis. She took times off from her work schedule not only to see to it that I get proper medical attention, but also to provide support to my wife and assist her in providing care to me. The Almighty has been indeed very kind to me by blessing me with these two angels into my life. Well, I know, my princess, Jacy has been my good girl. And, I am proud of her !

As usual, I started my trip to the hospital from Subang Jaya at 7:00AM in the morning and arrive at the hospital laboratory around 8:00AM, had a quick breakfast at the hospital canteen, then report to the lab for blood test at 8:30AM.

It took me another 2 hours wait for the test result to be verified and released. Restlessly, I waited for the lab report. The whole waiting process was like those days, where after my Form Five examination, I waited anxiously and nervously for my MCE (SPM) results to be announced. On one hand, I was very confident of the outcome, but on the other hand, I was also worried about the possibilities of failure in the previous treatment regime. But overall, I know, as mentioned in the scripture, the Almighty did not gave me the spirit of fear, but the power of hope, and of love, and of a logical mind. Well, I was kind of getting used to, and adapted well to uncertainties and fears of the unknowns. The whole waiting period of 2 hours or so was still bearable and emotionally manageable.

Finally, the lab report printed by the dot matrix printer was released to me for my onward consultation with the Oncologist. The Oncologist has indicated to me that, he is happy with the result because my cancer marker dropped approximately 20 percent, and physical examination also indicate that the tumor has regressed. Overall, the cancer marker over the last few test showed downward trend. I hope the marker will continue to go down south to its normal range soon.

The Oncologist also recommend me to go for another round of chemotherapy combined with oral intake of Tarceva for another 30 days. I objected to the recommendation of another round of chemotherapy, because, I am getting very weary and tired of subjecting myself to more rounds of slow dripping of Chemo drugs into my body which usually last more than 2 hours of agonizing intravenous feeding. I am already getting very intolerance to all the side effects of chemotherapy. I know, my body need a rest and I don't think I can take another round of chemotherapy without jeopardizing my liver and kidney functions. So, the Oncologist agreed to put aside Chemotherapy for the time being but to carry on with another round of 30 days Tarceva treatment regime. After that, another test will be conducted again, and the Oncologist will decide my next treatment strategy.

It has been an emotional drenching roller coaster ride for me over the past few months. But I believed, the Almighty has a purpose for me to walk this difficult path. I am thankful that during my times of uncertainty and anxieties, the Almighty has also send so many prayer warriors to me to enlighten me with this miraculous way, and to lessen the burdens that are trapped within me. He made a hardened man like me to bend my knees and crawling to his feet to shed tears of joys knowing that eventually I will be healed through his amazing grace for he had said "And I will take sickness away from the midst of you" (Exodus 23:25)

Well, here I go again. Another 30 days of treatment regime. Hopefully, I can achieve even better remission in my next test. Until then, I guess I need to stay positive and be happy as part of my faith that I will be healed soon, because "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22).

Praise the Lord.....

Blowing in the winds....

2009-04-03T18:05:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I learned that an old friend was diagnosed with cancer in the uterus, she checked into the hospital today, and will be operated on tomorrow. Today, I also learned that a member of my cell group was admitted to hospital for a condition know as lymphatic gland infection that slurred his speech and facial numbness. As for me, as usual, I still have to go through my daily pain and discomforts and still undergoing chemotherapy. I will be going for another test at the hospital to assess my treatment progress next weeks. My good gracious God, so much negative news over the past few days, it does make me wonder how precarious our lives are. I don't know about others' perception of life, but I do have my ups and downs dealing with all these negative aspect of life. Sometimes, I was so consumed by all these fears, anxieties, and uncertainties that my mind just wonder aimlessly into a dark tunnel fearful that the light at the extreme end of the tunnel could be an oncoming train.

Should I feel sad today ? Should I just embrace whatever that happened as part and parcel of life ? I honestly do not know, and do not wish to indulge with this emotionality anymore. It has been a difficult period for me living dangerously trying my level best stretching my logical mind to comprehend what I went through, and anticipate what awaits me. Come what may, if that is my destined path, I will just have to put my best foot forward to traverse this so called journey of life.

I guess, being inflicted with health crisis maketh me a different man nowadays. I tend to lapsed into mental delusion unnecessary, hiding in my own mental asylum trying to figure out the purpose of my being. Or am I indulging in mental masturbation trying to achieve the elusive once in a life time orgasm of being enlightened and of conquering fears ? I know, sometimes life is unfair and full of perverted sadisms. I had my fair share of emotional roller coasting rides dealing with my fears and uncertainties of my cancer treatments, but at times, I do wonder whether I am experiencing the worst moment of my life, or am I enjoying the best of having the privilege of experiencing the extremities of emotions.

Sometimes, my eyes get teary as I read through my old journal entries. I know, it is definitely not smoke got caught in my eyes, because I quit smoking long time ago. It is definitely some chemical or hormonal reactions within me. Am I unknowingly allow myself to become a sentimental old fool ? Or am I losing control over my sanity ?

Sometimes, I wish I can have the rights words to describe precisely how I felt about my current state of being. There are times I woke up in the morning surprising cheerful for knowing that I am still alive, and there are also times I felt emotionally incapacitated to handle the uncertainties of the future. Sometimes, you just wish you can just tell out how you feel as it is to relief the burden of all those emotions that are trapped within you. The point I am trying to put across is, there are always times you felt a need to be understood, but can't find the right descriptives to make yourself understood.

I have learned, sometimes, to be happy, it is not necessary for me to possess the best of everything, but I just need to adapt to make the most out of everything that come along. Whatever it is, I would like to acknowledge the grace of the Almighty that, I once was blessed with so many good things of life, and along the way, I know, without regret, I made my best efforts to adapt. There are always things in life that are never meant to be, and what I tried but possessed not, it is best to let go and let them be. The best thing for me to do now is, to stay happy and be thankful that this breath I take at this very moment is not my last !

That Life ?

Amazing Grace

2009-03-31T15:54:00.001+08:00

I know, I have not been feeling well for many months now. Over the past few days, I had been reading my journal entries, and realized, these entries are full of negative emotions. On one hand, I had been portraying myself to others as a positive person and is confident of overcoming my health issues, but my inner negative thoughts and emotions are manifested glaringly in my journal entries. I had knowingly or unknowingly bare my soul, fear, and anxieties to others !

I must admit, cancer had in one way of another influenced my mind and perception of life. On one hand, I fought to be logical in dealing with arising issues related to my health care management, but on the other hand, I also unknowingly allowed fear and anxieties drifted me into temporary lunatical interactions with negative emotions. Come to think of it, I am, by nature, oxymoronic.

I had not been feeling well for the past two years or so, and was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 7 months ago. Since then, my mind and soul have gone through unbelievable roller coaster of mind over matter. By the grace of the Almighty, every time, when I felt that I am losing control over my mind dealing with fear and anxiety, I managed to snapped out from these dangerous mental playground to move on. I guess, despite having been ingrained with oxymoronic animal instinct, somehow, I am still a logical soul capable of rational reasonings.

I may not be in the best of health, but I am grateful to all my family members especially my wife and children for all their unconditional support and tolerance towards my occasional mood swings. I am also extremely grateful to my friends for the moral support showered on me. The Almighty is indeed graceful for blessing me with good family and good friends. One thing for sure, I will fight a good fight to recover my health and will do all that within my capability not to deprive my family members the hope of seeing me well again.

Whatever it is, I still have my pride. I will never allow myself to loose the battle against cancer without putting up a good fight. Physically, the illness may have dented my body, but emotionally, I am still what I am – I am still a man with a reputation of strong will and logical mind. I will do all that are necessary to defend myself against the evil darts of cancer.

Although, I had lost much of my appetite, but I am also thankful for all the special meals prepare for me. I treasured every words of encouragement from friends and family members, and these words shall be my armors to boost my fighting spirits against my ill health, because I know, even though I walk a lone path battling cancer, but I am not fighting this battle alone. At the end of the day, I do hope, I repay the good deeds of my family members and friends by enjoying greater degree of peace and recovered good health. Even if I loose this battle, my legacy will motivate others that I fought a good fight, and I am a good loser. And what is there for me to loose ? I know, the kingdom of the Almighty are always there to welcome me. Spiritually, I will always be a winner in the eyes of the Almighty.

In dealing with this dreaded cancer, I only have one option, that is, to win and emerged as a Survivor ! I know I will. In the mean time, please continue to pray for me and let's us sing this song together.......

Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
That sav'd a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears reliev'd;
How precious did that grace appear,
The hour I first believ'd!

Thro' many dangers, toils and snare,
I have already come;
'Tis grace has brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures;
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease;
I shall profess, within the vail,
A life of joy and peace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, who call'd me here below,
Will be for ever mine.

黑白老鼠

2009-03-25T20:49:00.003+08:00

I received this in my mailbox today. Beautiful story ! Thank you Andy.........

有一個人在森林中漫遊的時候，突然遇見了一隻飢餓的老虎，老虎大吼一聲就撲了上來。他立刻用生平最大的力氣和最快的速度逃開，但是老虎緊追不捨，他一直跑一直跑一直跑，最後被老虎逼入了斷崖邊上。站在懸崖邊上，他想：「與其被老虎捉到，活活被咬、肢解，還不如跳入懸崖，說不定還有一線生機。」

他縱身跳入懸崖，非常幸運的卡在一棵樹上，那是長在斷崖邊的梅樹，樹上結滿了梅子。

正在慶幸的時候，他聽到斷崖深處傳來巨大的吼聲，往崖底望去，原來有一只兇猛的獅子正抬頭看著他，獅子的聲音使他心顫，但轉念一想：「獅子與老虎是相同的猛獸，被甚麼吃掉，都是一樣的。」

當他一放下心，又聽見了一陣聲音，仔細一看，一黑一白的兩隻老鼠，正用力地咬著梅樹的樹幹。他先是一陣驚慌，立刻又放心了，他想：「被老鼠咬斷樹幹跌死，總比被獅子咬好。」

情緒平復下來後，他感到肚子有點餓，看到梅子長得正好，就採了一些吃起來。他覺得一輩子從沒吃過那麼好吃的梅子，找到一個三角形樹丫休息，他想著：「既然遲早都要死，不如在死前好好睡上一覺吧！」

他在樹上沉沉的睡去了。睡醒之後，他發現黑白老鼠不見了，老虎、獅子也不見了。他順著樹枝，小心翼翼的攀上懸崖，終於脫離險境。

原來就在他睡著的時候，飢餓的老虎按捺不住，終於大吼一聲，跳下懸崖。黑白老鼠聽到老虎的吼聲，驚慌逃走了。跳下懸崖的老虎與崖下的獅子展開激烈的打鬥，雙雙負傷逃走了。

由我們誕生那一刻開始，苦難．就像飢餓的老虎一直追趕著我們，死亡，就像一頭兇猛的獅子，一直在懸崖的盡頭等待，白天和黑夜的交替，就像黑白老鼠，不停地正用力咬著我們暫時棲身的生活之樹，總有一天我們會落入獅子的口中。

既然知道了生命中最壞的情景是死亡，唯一的路，就是安然地享受樹上甜美的果子，然後安心地睡覺，只有存著這樣單純的心、少慾望、多一點赤子之心。