To eat or not to eat ?

The ancient Chinese philosopher, Confucius, once made a famous statement “食色性也", translated, it means, “Food and Sex, yeah !” Since time immemorial, food and sex has been an integral part of human lifestyle.

As a cancer patient, I went through seven rounds of intravenous chemotherapies spreading over a period of six months, and currently is on my 3rd month of oral chemotherapy. With all those cocktails of chemo drugs being pumped into the body, my body experienced many side effects associated with the treatment regime.

While under treatments, the two most common side effects are the impact of chemo drugs on sex drive and ability to enjoy foods. For a cancer patient, the priority of having and enjoy sex is not really a matter of great concern. A person can go on without sex for many months or even years, and I don't really think it is going to affect a person chances of survival. I had my fair share of frustrations dealing with this matter, and I do not think it is appropriate for me to elaborate how I overcome this department. As for me, my personal opinion is, sex drive while during treatment is more a matter of psychology and emotional issues, rather than a physical or physiological issues.

So, the issue of sex is not really a matter of great concern to me during the treatment period. After all, you won't die for lack of sex. Look at it a the positive side, deprivation of sex probably quicken the pace for you to achieve spiritual enlightenment ! One of these day, I will visit the monastery to consult to monks or lammorloh how they manage without sex and still stay contentedly happy and at peace.

On a serious note, foods is a matter of great concern to me during the treatment period. If the body is not nourished with the adequate and right foods, you probably would die of malnutritions rather cancer itself. My personal experience is, after going through the chemotherapy regime, my eating problem is a nightmare to me. I no longer know what kind of solid foods I can take without being rejected by my now chemical ladened body. Sometimes, a mere cooking smell from the kitchen made me involuntarily wanted to throw out, and sometimes, the sight and colour of certain foods made me reject the food instantaneously. The worst part is, some times, you tried to force feed yourself, but the moment the foods is in your month, the more you chew, the more nauseated you became, and you end up being frustrated and wanting to let out your foul moods.

I know, my wife take great pains and times to prepare the foods for me, but sometimes, I am just not able to eat the foods. As a husband, from her body language, I know, she take my rejection of the foods as rejection of her love. At times, I do feel very guilty of this new acquired fuzziness in foods. The doctor did prescribed some appetite stimulating pills for me, but so far it doesn't work on me. My wife did tried to be a bit creative by asking me t participate in planning for the foods I take. For example, she do occasionally asking me “What kind of foods you want to eat today ?” Well, the problem is, this is the most challenging question to me because I no longer know what kind of food I can take without rejections. My usual answer is to asked her to prepare the foods she like, and I will take it from there. With this arrangement, at least, if I am unable to eat the prepared foods, she can still take it without wastages.

Ir is suicidal to refrain from foods. As an alternative, I resort to make organic soya bean milk as protein source, blending fresh vegetables and fruits into liquid as drinks, and other nutritional supplements. I had been mixing and changing the varieties and combinations of vegetables and fruits as liquid foods. So far, it works and managed to keep my body nourished to fight the cancer cells.

Hmmm.... I missed my favorite Bak Kut Teh, Roast Pork, Char Siew Fan, Char koay Teow, etc. !!!!!

Nine Months....

What is nine months ? Well, usually it takes nine months for a mother to create a new life from point of conception to delivery. As for me, I had been through more than eight months of roller coaster ride dealing with the management of my cancer treatment regime. As I approach the ninth month of my treatment regime, metaphorically speaking, I will be born again as a new person with different perspective and different expectation of life. Nine months is a long period of time if you are living it at one day at a time dealing with all the negativities of cancer and its treatment's side effects. At the end of it, would I be really a healed and reborn person ? Come what may, I look forward to welcome my new “status”.

Like a pregnant woman, I went through nine months of daily nauseating experience of having something between my throat and stomach that trigger the unwelcome symptoms of wanting to vomit. I also went through the experience of having problems with foods, occasional constipations, self awareness of changes in my body, the occasional mood swings, etc. At the end of the ninth month, would this insignificant soul be liberated with renewed vigor to shoulder on with the challenging journey ahead ? Or the Almighty will just give me a new mask to put on to hide my tormented soul ? I don't know.

Wow, nine months ! It is indeed an amazing experience for me. I guess I am somehow lucky to be blessed with this inconvenient opportunity of experiencing the extremities of emotions, anxieties, and uncertainties. I think it made me a “complete” man. On the positive side, at least I survived nine months of difficult period. It gave me enough experience to fine tune my strategies to combat those unwanted cancerous cells.

Nine months, ninth month, I look forward to this metaphorical status of being born again. As it is, the previous eight months has equipped me with the desires to love, be loved, and live right. I am also more aware of the need to understand and invest in the kingdom of the Almighty. I guess I will be like a new baby sponging my eagerness to learn more about the good words of the almighty and his glory. Indeed I look forward to the Almighty to free myself from all curses, guilts, and sins, and be blessed with the wisdom to live life wholesomely and healthily, free from all diseases and sicknesses.

Of course I am not talking about re-living life again ! I had a fantastic, amazing, and enriched journey thus far, I praise the Almighty for giving me this unique experience of living a life of no regrets. I honestly do not wish to have the ability to turn back the clock to relive those portion of life where I can right the wrongs. That was my purpose to live through those patches of life. And along the process, I was strengthened by the Almighty amidst the storms, and was prepared for new journey ahead. As a consequent of my previous nine months of extra ordinary journey, I believed, the Almighty has a new purpose for me to live a new life again, I am looking forward a new direction in life and awaiting his revelations.

"Unless a man is born again, he can not see the Kingdom of God." ( John 3:3). Well, After nine months of challenging gestation period, the Almighty has blew his breath into me, I am now ready to be born again, and to live life again.

Praise the Lord............

Looking back.......

Time flies, 8 enlightening months had passed since I was diagnosed with Cancer. I know, my chances of recovery is good as long as I can keep waking up the next day ! So every morning when I woke up and felt the sharp tearing pains at my abdominal areas and backs, I said praises and thank the Almighty for allowing me the luxury to feel the pains ! Because a dead body would not be able to feel any pain at all. At least with the pain, I know I am still alive and gearing to face the challenge of the day. I am getting pervertedly oxymoronic ? I shake my head....

Looking back, the previous eight months has given me the luxury to be enlightened with knowledges of human characters. When I was on medical leave, I was extremely sad to learn that my most trusted assistant is actually a gang leader in my company conducting criminal breach of trust to steal money from the company. I also have a close relative who I helped the most, never visited me once during my sickness, but send occasional sarcastic emails to me, because he felt that I did not offer more help to him. There are friends who tried to make money from me during my time of desperations. There are also many other instances of unacceptable behaviors from people I know. Generally, these behaviors are driven by human being's greeds and ungratefulness. In a way, I thank the Almighty for unmasking them. As a God fearing person, I shall obey his command to forgive them, but I will also need to built a firewall around my family to protect ill intents being committed against my family members.

Of course, I am also extremely lucky to be blessed with so many good friends and relatives that offer supports during the times of my health crisis. The past eight months were actually a period of blessings where I was given opportunities to be drawn closer to my friends and relatives. It is the support and encouragement rendered by these group of friends and relatives that gave me the courage and will to fight on. Sometimes, the Almighty indeed work in a very miraculous way to make us aware and beware of the people surrounding us.

During the past 8 months, I looked towards evident based medicine and faith in the Almighty in my efforts to seek recovery of my health. So far, there are improvements in my health, but not significant enough for me to jump with great joy. I guess, with Chronic illness like cancer, there is only so much modern medicine can help. With regards to having faith in the Almighty for healing, I guess I can go on praying to the Almighty for healing, but I am also a practical man. Mrylogical reasoning is, if the Almighty want to heal me, he would have heal me long time ago. I think I will not indulge in anymore prayers to seek interventions of the Almighty for recovery of my health. I think the Almighty is too busy to answer my prayers. From now on, if I want to get well soon, it is now up to me to condition my frame of mind to activate new strategies to fight on.

The mind is the most dangerous playground, but it is also the most powerful weapon against illnesses. I believe, I can find a way to control mind to activate healing within me to destroy the cancer cells and tumor in my body. I will have to find a way for my mind to establish control over my body. All I need to do now is, Think Positive, regular exercise through Qi Qong, and Change my diet to vegetarian diets. Of course, I will still continue with my present daily oral chemo drugs as long as the good doctor think it is necessary.

They said, what you think, you become. I think, I am going to win this war against cancer and emerged as a warrior. I will and I shall........................

Life

LIFE
by Poh Lye Suan


Life is short,
Take a break, take a breath,
Don’t stress, don’t freak out,
Live life to the fullest,
There is no second chance.

Life is short,
Learn to love truly,
Hug warmly, kiss passionately,
And don’t forget to say ‘I love you’
To your loved ones.

Life is short,
Life is the most precious gift from God,
Life is worthless,
Till the day sickness comes.

Don’t look back as the past is already gone,
Don’t look forward for it has not come,
Don’t regret anything you did as it has passed,
Live your life and treasure everything around you.

Life is short, yet beautiful,
Life is priceless, yet no one treasures,
Life is sweet, yet sometimes painful,
No matter what, don’t let anything ruin your life.

About pains and discomforts

I had trouble sleeping yesterday night. I was not indulging in unnecessary fears, anxieties, or whatever negative emotions. The whole night, I was troubled by pain at my back and abdominal area. I tried to be very calm, took deep breaths, but the pains and body discomforts kept me awake, even when I managed to doze off, the pains kept waking me up again and again. It is frustrating to be bothered by this inability to have good sleep.

This is probably one of the worst attack of pain and discomfort I encountered so far. The psychological impact of the pain is so overwhelming that I have difficulty swallowing or chewing my foods, I lost my appetite for foods today. I tried to control the pains and discomforts, but end up at the losing end. It is humiliating not being able to use my mind to exercise control over my body.

I woke up this morning tired and in foul mood. The pains and discomforts are still there, and the whole morning and afternoon, I encountered non stop attacks of sharp pulling pains at the back of my body. I tried to do fast pace walking around the housing estate in the morning, trying my level best to increase the intake of oxygen and stretching my muscle to overcome the pains. I also tried to do some strenuous gardening works with the hope of tiring down my body and thus divert my attention from the physical discomforts. But the pain has been very persistent and at times unbearable. I felt like my body is splitting into two. I guess this is one of the few occasions where my mind lose control over my body. I do wonder whether my condition has deteriorated. I do felt like giving up, but I know, surrendering is not my option. Not matter how unbearable the situation is, it is my obligation to fight on, I really do not want to behave like a coward in the eyes of my children.

I fought to control the pains, and I did fought hard. I contain myself in the room in the afternoon, lying on hard surface, to practice deep breathing exercises. Luckily, probably due to lack of sleep the night before, and the strenuous morning exercise, while in the midst of doing the breathing exercise, I unconsciously drifted into a much welcome sleep for probably an hour or so. I woke up much more relaxed and in better control of my mind and body. I thank the Almighty for soothing my tired body and lessen my pains.

Throughout the remaining of the day, though the pains and discomforts still lingered on, but it was much more bearable. But whatever it is, honestly, I do hate cancer ! I will make sure I will fight them with everything I have. I will make these unwelcome cancer cells pay a price for their uninvited attack on my body. Sooner or later, I will exterminate all of them and purge them out of my body for good. I will fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight........................ I know, as long as I don't lose faith in my spontaneous self healing ability to recover my health, sooner or later, I will be well soon, free from all those unwelcome pains and discomforts, be able to sleep and eat better, and enjoy my daily life in the company of family members and friends.

I hope tonight the pains and discomforts do not attack me again. All I want is just a good night sleep ! My dear Almighty heavenly father, would you see to it that I have a good sleep and rest tonight ?