Changing strategy.....

I got my CT scan and blood analysis result today. Well, after more than 10 months of alternative treatment, intravenous chemotherapy, and targeted drugs, the tumor is still there and still maintained at about the same size. Although the treatments did not managed to shrink the tumor, but thanks God, at least I am lucky the tumor is still localized, not metastasized, and had not spread to other organs. On the positive side, at least the chemotherapy and targeted drugs managed to control the tumor growth. Praise the Lord.

However, fighting cancer is not about falling back into the comfort zone to maintain status quo. I need to change my treatment strategy to overcome the cancer cells.

I am having a localized advance tumor at my pancreas, to move beyond controlling the growth of the tumor, I need to look into the possibility of targeted localized treatment with minimum damages to other vital organs. For the time being, 3D Conformal Radiotherapy together with oral chemo seemed to be my best practical option. With 3D conformal radiotherapy, the tumor is mapped in 3 dimension, and multiple radiation beams are then precisely aimed at the mapped tumor, minimizing the damages to other normal tissues.

I was told that the hospital need to feed the images from the CT Scan result into the computer to created a 3 dimensional view of the targeted treatment areas. The computer then design multiple high dosage of radiation beams into an area precisely conforming to the size of the tumor and its vicinity. The hospital will need to have approximately 2 to 3 days to plan the treatment before the first radiotherapy session can be delivered. After that, I will have to go to the hospital on almost daily basis for a minimum of 35 sessions.

My next action is now to source for a hospital that have 3D Conformal Radiotherapy facility or Intensity Modulated Radiotherapy facility. At the moment, University Hospital, Pantai Medical Centre, Subang Jaya Medical Centre, and Nilai's National Cancer Institute have these facilities. Over the next two days, I will have to decide which hospital I want to use to implement this new strategy.

I hope the good Lord will help me make a wise decision on which hospital to use.

So, it looks like over the next one and a half month I will be stationing myself in the battleship again to engage the cancer cells in the battleground again. This time, I will take no prisoner..... So, you nasty mutant cells, you are on the wrong side of my book, your days are numbered.......

Of religions.....

A casual friend of mine asked me the other day that whether I am a Buddhist or a Christian. Well, it is a profound question. I was born in a Taoist family, but was registered as a Buddhist. In fact, during those days in the 60's, most Malaysians of Chinese origin were registered as Buddhists because our parents are not that really educated and there were communication problems between the parents and the birth registration clerks. And in most cases, most Malaysian Chinese are not really that particular of the registration status of religion. So, here you go, I was an accidental Buddhist by registration.

During my childhood years, my family practiced Taoism. In fact, most of my family members still practiced Taoism. I started reading the Bible in 1993 and later in 2006, I also begin to read Buddhism texts. When I was diagnosed with cancer in 2008, I picked up the Bible again....

So am I a Taoist, Buddhist, or Christian ?

Frankly, throughout my adult years, religion was never an issue to me and I always treat it as a private matter. In my public dealing with friends and relatives, I attempt to keep my pubic life as secular as possible. One thing I do do know, when I was inflicted with chronic illness, I became more religious and tried to find a balance in my life to seek self healing. I turned to the Bible and tried to comprehend the words of God. Until today, as much as I want to adopt the words of God religiously, but I also realized, Buddhism's values has been deeply ingrained in my daily life. It is like my root and culture.

So, when I announced to my friends that I am a Buddhist Christian, my Christian friends stared at me with disbelieve and tried their level best to salvage this lost soul. But the surprising thing is, my Buddhist friends accepted me as what I am. They left me be and let me find my own path to seek my own enlightenment.

To me, Buddhism is a way of life, and the truth of being. And, Christianity is about the embracement of the Almighty God with Lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior. Christianity gave me hope, but Buddhism gave me peace of mind. Of course, there are always differences in values and practices between Buddhism and Christianity, but my purpose in this life is not to thrive on the differences. My purpose is to walk the middle path, and to seek and embrace the commonalities between these two great religions.

As a Christian, I am still a God fearing person and I recite the Lord's Prayer on daily basis. As a Buddhist, I am still subscribing to the Four Noble Truths, The Eight Folds Path, and the Mediation aspects in my daily life.

Between Hope and Peace of mind, I walk the middle path, and had chosen to embrace both. So, I am a Buddhist Christian.

The “I DON'T KNOW” hospital.

Since I came back from Aenon Health Farm, my physical condition has deteriorated. Perhaps, the drastic change in diet has caused my body to react negatively – my lack of appetite for foods got worst, my cancer marker shot up tremendously, the intensity of pain and discomforts ballooned to unbearable level, and worst of all, I am beginning to lose weight again ! Well, sticking to strict vegetarian diet sound very fashionable, but my body just couldn't take it, before I allowed myself to be incapacitated with malnutrition, I think it is best I revert back to my normal diet.

I was due for medical check up at Tung Shing yesterday, at my wife insistent, I went to the Pantai Medical Centre instead of Tung Shing. My wife's contention was that, the equipments and facilities at Tung Shing are outdated, and the hospital may not be in a position to provide the best treatment options. To cut the story short, I went to Pantai Medical Centre yesterday, my first impression was, everything was new there, the air conditioning system was eerie cold, and the hospital even have Starbuck Coffee outlet at the lobby.

The Good doctor suggested that I be admitted to run tests for re-assessment of my condition. The first day, the usual vital tests were conducted. On the morning of the second day, a CT scan was performed on me. The CT scan took less than 10 minutes, and at 9;30AM I was told to go back to the room to wait for my scan result.

I asked the reception counter how long it will take for the scan result to be out, but was told the standard reply of “ I don't Know” and “Please go back to your room and wait”. I waited until 12:30PM and I asked the ward nurse whether the scan and blood test result is out , and when I can expect to obtain the result, again, I was given the standard reply of “I don't know” and “Please go back to back to your room and wait”. So I went down to the Imaging Department to enquire, thinking that perhaps I can get an estimation of the time needed to obtain the result from the source. Again, the counter staff told me “ I don't know” and “ Go back to your room to wait”.

Patiently, I waited until almost 5:00PM, I went to Imaging Department again to enquire about the result, again, the standard reply of “I don't know” was given to me. Hmmm, I do wonder the competency of the personnel and Pantai Medical Centre. The hospital may have the best hardware, but the people who manned the hardware and provide support service seemed ill trained and are at a loss of providing competent healthcare services. The personnel even suggested that I stay back in the hospital one more day to wait for the Ct scan result. My God, the last time I did my CT scan at Sunway Medical Centre, it took only less than two hours to obtain the result, and at Tung Shine, it took less than 3 hours to obtain the scan result. But at Pantai Medical Centre, I did my CT scan at around 9:00AM in the morning, when I checked out at around 5:00PM, the scan result is still not out yet, and I DON'T KNOW whether they can get it out tomorrow. It look like I have to go back to the hospital again tomorrow to obtain the scan result.

I really don't feel comfortable at the way medical care and support services are being provided by Pantai Medical Centre, and I sincerely doubt the support personnel there are trained to provided adequate competence services. Well, their hardware look impressive and maybe the most up-to-date. But a simple CT scan result takes more than a day to be produce ? Am I in a under developed country in Africa ? I guess it would be wiser for me not to bet my life at Pantai Medical Centre. What I will do tomorrow is, I will go to the hospital to insist on my blood test and CT scan result, and go back to Tung Shine hospital to continue my treatment there. Well, Tung Shing may or may not have the best medical equipments, but, at least, their support personnel are more caring and knowledgeable in providing medical care and support services.

The doctor's assistant called me up in the evening to ask whether I will come back tomorrow for consultation, I was just too tired and replied “I DON”T KNOW”.......

Shooting butterflies............

Got a bit bord recently, went to the Butterfly farm and managed to "shoot" some real butterflies........., not those from China !

The side effects again......

I have not been updating my journal on a regular basis. I do realized, I been getting easily tired nowadays, probably due to the side effects of the targeted drugs, and mentally, I am also getting very exhausted dealing with the surprises that had been inflicted on my physical body. My God, cancer is indeed such a horrible illness, no matter how positive and determined you are, one way or another, it will find a way to demoralized you emotionally and physically when you least expect it.

Since starting on the targeted dug, I developed rashes all over my body and facial areas, and my skin also looked darker due to pigmentation. As I progressed along the fourth month of this oral drug therapy, the intensity of the rashes are beginning to tapper off. However, With one side effect subsided, another few side effects also began to manifest their dreadedness. For the past one month or so, my appetites for foods was getting from bad to worst, and also having to deal with the too frequent constipation issues. Due to lack of desires for foods, I am beginning to lose weight again. I can sense that my body is getting weaker and getting tired easily, probably due to lack of proper nutrition. I do hope I can solve these new side effects sooner.

Pains and discomforts had and always been the biggest challenge since I was diagnosed with cancer. I do realized, for the past three weeks, the intensity of pains and discomforts are getting unbearable. So much so that, I think it affects my mental alertness and logical thinking. So far, the prescribed pain killer does help to reduce the intensity of the pains. The portable Infra Red light device also comes handy in soothing the muscle and nerve discomforts. I do hope my condition is not degrading towards the worst. I have cut down my morning exercise, because increasingly, it is getting a bit difficult for me due my weakened physical body. Well, I got to keep telling myself to stay strong, control my frustration, and stay positive to find a way to minimized the pains and discomforts.

Honestly, I think I am getting a little bit fed up of all these inconveniences caused by these unbearable pains and discomforts. I wished I can just shout out to my family members that I am in great pains and all of them rush to my attention. But would that help to reduce my pains ? I am not a parasite that depend on others for my well being. I got myself into this medical mess, it is now up to me to find a way to heal myself. I got to fight this dreaded illness like a real warrior. They said, No Pains, No Gains ! I got to overcome the pains, restore my logical mind to think of an improved strategy to win, and to live my life as normally as possible. It is going to be a very painful fight, but I do hope to emerge from this episode of life with gained wisdom.

Over the last 3 months, I am also emotionally affected by the news of friends being inflicted with cancer. First, a friend was diagnosed with cancer of the uterus, she went though a successful operation, and is now receiving chemotherapy. About two months ago, a distant relative was diagnosed with lung cancer, she is currently also under chemotherapy. This week, I was informed that, a close friend was diagnosed with colon cancer. She went for operation to remove part of the colon yesterday. I do not know the outcome of the operations. These are all perfectly good people with healthy lifestyles. I do wonder how those sneaky cancer cells managed to breakthrough into their immune system. Perhaps, the Almighty does have a perverted sense of inappropriateness. Emotionally, I think I am too exhausted by all these unhealthy news. I will keep them in my prayers, and hope the Almighty can grant them speedy recovery.

Whatever it is, I thank the Almighty for keeping me alive to fight this dreaded illness. I also thank the Almighty for giving me this alert mind to share out my experiences with others. Praise the Lord.....