Bits & Bytes (4)

I completed 4th weeks of daily 3DCRT, so, today is my fifth week of radiation therapy. There are nine more sessions to go before I wrapped up this latest treatment protocol. Luckily, my skin affected by the radiation exposure has not broken yet, otherwise, it would be a very painful affair for me. I do hope my thick skin don't give up on me for the remaining sessions, there are only two more weeks left. So, hang on.........

Looking back, the 3DCRT sessions, though is painless procedure where I am expose to controlled radiation for 5 to 10 minutes daily only, but the treatment protocol does have it down side. The oral chemo drug, Xeloda, used in conjunction with the 3DCRT, also caused lost of appetites, diarrhea, and a host of others side effects. For a start, since the beginning of the therapy, I had lost more than 10 Kg of weight, and I am now struggling to maintain my weight to prevent it from further degradation. Due to lacked of appetite for foods, I am now also affected by malnutrition. One unwelcome consequence of this “nutrition deficiency” is, I am beginning to waste the muscle on my left leg. My left leg has grown weaker. I do hope, by end of the 3DCRT treatment protocol, I would be able to gain back my appetites, take in more protein based foods to restore the strength of my left leg.

Well, what else can I say ? The road to recovery is indeed full of frustrations and surprises. For the previous 10 months, I went through a lot of extremities in emotion such as fear, anxiety, frustration, sadness, anger, loneliness, etc. For a start, I do not know what to expect. When the arrays of extremities of emotions hit me, I do not know how to manage them. And at the initial stage, most of the times, my mind was blank – I was hearing without listening ! I worried about the near future. I fear being a burden to my family members, and I worried about whether my financial resources would be able to meet the medical expenses. It was indeed a very stressful period for me, and also my family members.

At the beginning, I kept asking myself what causes me to be inflicted with this dreaded illness called cancer. I felt guilty and blamed myself and my previous lifestyle. But the sad fact is, no body actually know what causes cancer. Perhaps, the Almighty is his perverted way, inflicted cancer on me to teach me a lesson, as a punishment of my sin, or whatever. Whatever it is, I have learned and overcome this unnecessary feeling of guilt.

Emotionally, I am not an expressive person, but all these unwelcome emotion built up within me made me a walking time bomb waiting to be exploded. But strangely, somehow, the Almighty blessed me with the grace to defuse the situations.

As an emotionally sensitive person, I do realized, at times, I am having difficulty relating to my loved ones, family members, and friends my predicaments and my needs. I also realized, there are also people avoided me because they felt uncomfortable with my acquired “disease”. Managing the various treatment protocols and their side effects is also another difficult aspect of dealing with cancer. How I wish there is a counseling agency to guide cancer patients what to expect and how to manage those expectations. As it is, I realized, emotionally, I am on my own, and I just need to be strong for myself to handle all those present's and future's fears and uncertainties.

I realized, having been inflicted with cancer doesn't mean I have to loose HOPE and Aspiration. I know, as long as I can hang on to another day, modern medicine will find a cure for me. And on my bended knee, I pray with the hope that my heavenly father knows my predicaments and intervene to provide his divine healing. Well, the Almighty promised “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

May all beings be well and healthy........

Of alternative treatments...

Today, I received a call from a lady who introduced herself as “a friend of my friend”. She told me that she learned about my chronic illness from “my friend”, and she has a product that can cure cancer. A friend of my friend ? But she is not able to tell me the name of the friend. Well, there is a Chinese saying that goes like this - “ Thean Xia Wu Yah Yee Yang Hei” 天下烏鴉 一樣 黑, translated, it means “all the crows under the sky have the same blackness”. Well, whenever you go, there are always over anxious medicine peddler selling false hope to desperate chronic disease sufferers. Sometimes, I do wonder, why in this world, there are so many immoral people seeking every opportunities to try to make immoral gains at the expense of desperate people.

I know, as a cancer patient, I am desperately looking for a cure, but luckily, I still have a logical mind to make objective assessment, and previous bad experiences also made me wiser. Put it this way, if a person has a product that can cure cancer or other chronic diseases, he or she would probably be a billionaire now. As a billionaire, would she or he still have the time making all the personal call to pitch their so called proven products ?

As far as I am concerned, all those so called alternative treatments for cancer are basically nutritional supplements, some are over prices, and some are over glorified. I am not against alternative medicine or treatments, but it is the false hope they are selling that I am against. I have no problem if the alternative medicines are sold as complimentary nutritional supplements to evidence based medicine. Most of the alternative medicines or treatments are grossly overpriced and expensive. As a result, some of these unscrupulous medicine peddlers or direct sale personnel resorted to convince cancer patient to abandon evidence based medicine in order to increase their chances of concluding the “deal”. I do sincerely hope that those who involved in the peddling of alternative medicines or treatments can have some basic decency to love their fellow human being rather than obsessed with making a few extra sinful dollars.

I also find it very amusing that, there are also ignorant souls preaching to me the mightiness of the Almighty in healing my chronic illness. I was once advised by a so called very religious person to abandon seeking treatments from the doctor but to keep praying to the Almighty for healing. Being a very observant person, I saw he carry a small packet of medication in his pocket. I asked him what is the medication for ? He told me it is for migraine. Well, so much about his religiosity and faith in the Almighty ! For minor illness like migraine, he seek treatment from the doctor, but advise a cancer patient like me to abandon treatments and seek healing from the Almighty ? My take on this spirituality is very simple, God only help those who help themselves, and God also gave us a logical mind to resolve our own problem. When dealing with chronic illnesses, let us not be blinded by blind faith and religious fanaticism. Have faith in yourself, and cultivate hope through prayer, but never, never take advise from those idiots to abandon treatments from evidence based medicines.

May all beings be well and healthy. My the Almighty bless all of us with good health and happiness......

Bits & Bytes (3)....

Today, I received my 16tth session of 3DCRT. Time flies, all in all, I have gone through 3 weeks of daily 3DCRT, another 3 more weeks to go before I wrapped up this latest treatment protocol and move on to other treatment issues.

I was supposed to go down to Taiping to attend the old boys reunion dinner and to check on the progress of the rebuilding of the scout den, but unfortunately, I had to cancel the trip on Saturday morning because I was not feeling comfortable due to uncomfortable abdominal pains and discomfort at the chest. I am rather sad of not being able to make the trip because, like a sentimental old fool, I do really look forward to meet those “old boys” to rekindle my childhood memories. On the other hand, the scout den is also part of my sentimental journey from my teenage years to adulthood. I hope, in my absent, the Old Boys association in Taiping and the school's PIBG can ensure the scout den is put up according to schedule and complying to safety requirements. Well, maybe next year, I will be still around to attend the old boys' reunion dinner in Taiping.

Prior to receiving my radiation treatment this morning, the nurse check on my pulse, temperature, blood pressure, and weight. With the exception of my weight, all indicators are in normal range. I am still losing weight, and over the period of four weeks, I lost more than 10 Kg of weight. I am hitting dangerously close to the 60Kg mark, and I hope my appetite can be improved significantly over the next few days to restore upward trend in weight.

Realistically, looking at the current scenario, how do I assess my current situation ? Put it this way, I am now a frailed commander in a badly bruised battleship. Do I now retreat to a safe harbour to find means to recuperate, or do I still charge ahead into the battle ground to defend whatever inches of advantage I still possessed ? Either way, I know, my life now hang precariously on too many unknowns and too many uncertainties which are totally beyond my control. I know, life is tough, but this journey of attempting to restore my health has been too hellish and it really is, a tough journey all this while.

Whatever it is, I do look forward to tomorrow. I know, as long as I can still have an alert mind tomorrow, I will always have a good fighting chance of winning this battle against cancer.


C'est la Vie...........

Orchid

The rest of the Orchids photos are located at my facebook.

Bits & Bytes (2) ....

This week, I am on the third week of 3DCRT. As of today, I have received 13 sessions of 3DCRT, and there are 18 more sessions to go. So far, the side effects or discomforts encountered are occasional diarrhea, nausea, occasional constipation, abdominal pains, back pains, and loss of appetite. On the physical front, I felt extremely tired and weak, this is probably due to the fact that, my body now need to exert extra energies to repair all the coll damages to the healthy cells due to radiation. I am beginning to encounter weakness in my left leg and left arm. So now, I also need to be extra careful when climbing stairs and doing my normal walking exercise.

Due to my lacked of taste or loss of appetite for food, I am still struggling to arrest and maintain my weight loss. I am now weighing at about 65KG, which means, over a period of about a month, I have lost another 10KG in weight. I do hope this weight loss will not become another major health issue for me.

After 13 sessions of 3DCRT, I do not know whether the physical size of the tumor has been reduced or shrunk. However, the cancer marker test done last Friday show a 20% reduction. I hope, at least the size of the tumor are shrunk proportionately.

Well, it's been almost a year managing and dealing with treatment issues. I had been hopping in and out of hospital, enduring the discomforts and side effects, coping with the emotional ups and downs of my state of being, etc. It's been a long and frustrating journey on the road to recovery. I do sincerely hope I still have the mental strength and stamina to run the last mile. I am actually very tired of all these unintended nonsenses. Honestly, sometimes, I do think the mighty God is a pervert – He enjoy watching good guys suffering..........

Last Sunday, my son drove me to the national zoological park to practice photo shooting skills. In fact, since I was diagnosed with this illness, my son has been trying his level best to spend more times with me. At his teenage years, I hardly spend time with him. I always took it for granted that I will always have time for him on another day, but too many “another day” passed by. By the time I realized it, he is already a young man busy with his own career. I am so glad that I am now given another opportunity to establish a closer relationship with my son now.

Anyway, I did have a good time at the Zoo shooting photographs and discussing techniques with my son. AT least some outdoor activities and interests can at least keep my mind out of being indulging in fearing the discomforts and unknowns of this dreaded illness.

On our way back from the zoo, while driving, my son asked “ Dad, how do you feel today ?” A simple question, but it does made me realized that, this young man sitting next to me, is indeed now a fine gentleman, sensitive to the emotional needs of his father. I gently tapped his hand and replied “ I am so happy today.......”

Yes, I am so happy because I had been blessed with a good son.............