It's been a year...........

I went back to see the doctor the previous week for assessment of my CT scan result. The good doctor told me that the scan image indicated that there is no changes in size in the tumor size. His assessment is, the cancer activities is under controlled, and he is quite happy with the result. Happy with the result ? Well, I don't know what to say. After going through One and a half month of daily radiotherapy and oral chemo, I was a bit disappointed that the latest treatment regime was not successful in shrinking the tumor. But on the other hand, the consolation is, the cancer tumor marker reading has been substantially reduced, and it has not spread to other vital organs. I guess that is the prelude to a longer haul battle to regain my health. Well, I guess if the good doctor is happy with my progress so far, I will have to have faith in him to manage my treatment regime. The doctor has also given me another month of “medical leave” before I check in to the hospital again for consultation, assessment, as well as giving the allowance of time to figure out what is my next treatment regime.

This month is September month. A few months before September 2008, I was having some minor constipation issues, minor tummy upsets, and began to loose weight. After many visits to the doctor, I was shocked with the news that a 5CM tumor was detect at my pancreas! One year has passed, and I am still seeking treatment to overcome this health predicament ! Looking back, it has been a painful, scary, and difficult period for me during the previous one year. But, on the other hand, I also realized, it has also been an amazing journey of enlightenment and self discoveries.

I was indeed a blessed person with so many good friends and family members that cares about my well being. I was also indeed very lucky that the good Lord has provided for me to afford my medical bills. In his amazing way, the good Lord has guided me to live one day at a time, and provided me with abundances.

I read the statistic that said that patient with pancreatic cancer has less than 5% chance of surviving more than 5 years. I know, the odds are heavily stacked against me. But honestly speaking, over the previous one year, I had never loose hope in my ability to regain my health. Deep down in me, I know I am not sick, I am just having symptoms of this chronic illness. I will have to keep trying to get rid of these symptoms by putting my best foot forward to climb the stairs of recovery. The symptoms of illness may dent my physical body, but one thing for sure, they can never dent my spirit, my hope, my faith, and my determination to get well and to restore my life back to normalcy.

It is a lonely journey in my fight against cancer. As bad as I felt about the chances and statistic, but I am also determined to beat the odds and I am going to survive this ordeal !!!!

Another longest Day.....

I was admitted to the hospital last Friday for CT Scan and Lab test. This morning, I went back to the hospital to see the doctor for consultation and assessment. I was at the Hospital at around 10:00AM and waited for more than 3 hours before I managed to see the good doctor. Well, three hours is usually not a long period of time to wait, but for me, it seemed like a long time. I was very anxious about the scan result and the blood test specifically. I was worried the CT scan may gave negative result of the tumor being enlarge and spread to other vital organs. I was restless and over eager to get the consultation with the doctor over with as soon as possible. After all, waiting for the doctor to present the scan and test result is like waiting for my immediate fate to be display on the table.

Much to my disappointment, when I finally met up with the doctor, I was told that, the CT Scan result is not yet available for assessment. So, I have to go back to the hospital next week for assessment and to work out the next treatment strategy. The only good news I received this morning was, the CA19.9 tumor marker has dropped from the previous 1970 to 524, a drop of approximately 70%. It basically indicate that the cancer cells activities is now on a decreasing trend and is not that active anymore.

My weight for the previous one month has been stabilized in the region of 60Kg. My immediate objective for the next one month or so is to manage and increase my weight to around 75Kg before I consider the next treatment strategy. As it is, at 60Kg, it is kind risky for me to embark on new treatment strategy because any side effect resulting from new treatment protocol may further reduce my weight from 60Kg to a dangerous level. The good doctor basically also agreed with my strategy of improving my weight and nutrition first before new treatment protocol is implemented.

As usual, since the tumor is still there, I am still encountering the daily discomforts of abdominal and back pains. I have not been taking pain killer for more than three months now. I am already adapted to the level of pain, and the pain is more manageable and predictable nowadays. I guess this is another positive sign that the tumor and cancer cells activities are slowly and surely degenerating into passive state.

After almost one year of trying out various treatment protocols, I was a bit disheartened to know that there are not much significant progress in terms of reducing the size of the tumor. For the time being, I have to be realistic to accept the fact that, perhaps, the best option for me to consider now, is to adopt a maintenance strategy for status quo in an attempt to prolong my life and at the same time to treat whatever arising symptoms to minimize discomfort. Honestly, I am at a lost for what to do next. Perhaps, the good Lord with his amazing grace will show me the way and guide me........................

Wednesday's rantings.....

Since the new Prime Minister came into power in this Bolihland, there has been too many burpings of support for 1Malaysia. Frankly speaking, I do not know what is all this 1Malaysia thingy all about, and I sincerely do not wish to know anything more about it either. As far as I am concern, and take it from this dying old man, this political sloganeering are basically to sustain the stay of power for the new regime, and for the ignoramus like us to gain a little bit of self satisfaction of fantasizing something that are never meant to be.

Honestly, asked ourselves one simple question. Are we prepared to accept the fact that equal treatments must be accorded to all Malaysians irregardless of ethnicities and religions ? As long as majority of Malaysians are still indecently incapable to respect the basic tenets of universal human rights, all these shouting of “1Malaysia” are oohing but farting in the winds.

Maybe we are more ready for 1MalaysiaL instead of 1Malaysia............

About more than a month ago, I sold my unit trusts which I bought from a local investment bank many years ago. They told me, payment will be made and send to my physical address within 10 days. I waited, and more than one and a half month later, I still have not received my payment. So I called them to enquire the payment status. Mind you, talking to their customer service personnel would put any mild temper person's blood pressure shooting through the roof. I don't know whether these people acted dumbly or trying to be evasive. They love to put you on hold until the line is cut off. When I finally get through to the so called “right person”, it was three days later. I was shock to found off from the “right person” that payment has already been made, and I was told that he need time to investigate. From the tone of his voice, it sounds like he is trying to delay payment and hoping that I will not call back to request for payment. Well, dealing with this type of local bank, the best strategy is to raise your voice , shout obscenities to them, and give them ultimatum. And it works, a day later, the bank call me up to say that my cheque is now ready for collection. Hmmmmm..... I shake my head. Well, 1MalaySiaL at its best !!!!

This morning, I went to Taipan USJ to have my breakfast, after the breakfast, I went to retrieve my car, and unfortunately, there is a car irresponsibly parked behind my car, the driver was nowhere to be seen, thus obstructing me from reversing out. I waited for about 20 minutes, finally, one Chinese woman walked out from one of the shop and arrogantly pointed to the car to indicate that the car that obstruct my car belongs to her. She didn't even bother to offer an apology for causing inconvenience to me. So, I approached her to ask her not to simply park her car to cause inconvenient to others in the future. What surprised me most is, this uneducated Chinese woman told me not to tell her how to park her car, according to her, she has “connection” to all the MPSJ ton council !!!! Well, what do you say to this type of uneducated asshole ? So calmly, I told her “ Ah koo, listen to me carefully, I am only going to say this once. FUCK YOU & FUCK OFF ! Now go get your MPSJ connections to issue me a summon” Now I understand why our infamous MACC is investigating our State Executive Councilor, Mr Ronnie Liu, for connection to gangsterism. Well, is this another 1 MalaySial at its best...... ?

Night cometh....

On the bed I lie,
hallucinating in contentment of blissful solitude.
I saw myself wandering and riding the breezy winds,
twinkling high up against the dark night skies,
sparkling on wide open sea with never ending horizon.
My heart fills with pleasure,
my mind fills with never ending glee and hope.
Delightfully, I was drowned in enjoyment and desires,
for once, I reigned supreme in this free realm of nirvana.

When I ceased to be,
would I be in this state of serene illusion perpectually ?
The teary pains brought me me back to reality !
I saw papa smiling at me,
it was the saddest smile I ever saw !
I am still trying to grasp what is my state of mind,
and what was attacking me from within,
that put me in this state of illusion.

Reminiscing the past,
I realized, I am not what I wanted to be !
To my wife, a husband I was but never a lover.
To my children, a father I was but never a friend.
I am sorry.......

Life is, but a sweet dream I slept ?

City in the Heaven ?

This mind is alert,
with a spirit that is still strong.
Oh Almighty, be with me,
for the determination is slowly dying,
and this temple is too run down for the holy spirits....

August month,
reminds me of the falling maple leaves.
Those beautiful golden yellow maple leaves,
I used it as bookmarks, and they gave me a sense of serenity,
of man's poetic appreciation of the finality of nature.
In death, would we be able to leave behind a natural legacy,
to be appreciated by those who come after us ?

The clock within my heart ticks,
reminding me of life slowly turning yellow,
just like the fallen golden yellow maple leaves.
Sooner or later, the desire to fight shall withered.
And the body shall be too lame to march on,
in this so called journey of life.
And eventually, would I be a bookmark in memories....

I lived a good life with no regret.
But now I see a future shrouded in haze,
the sounds of burial chants ring in my ears from a far distant.
I now see the calmed open arm of the wide sea beyond the river mouth.
Is there where the promised city of the Almighty reigns ?


Oh Almighty,
as I walk this challenging journey,
would you help, heal, and bless along the traveled path ?
Let there be no more pains and sufferings,
and let my soul return to that promised blessed abode......