From the eyes of a deluded mind....

The past few days had been a mentally exhaustive exercise for me. I research through the Internet and read up a lot of materials on Cryosurgery to assess its relevant as another option in fighting cancer. Yesterday, I forwarded my CT scan images and medical report to the hospital for them to assess my condition on the suitability of cryotherapy as a treatment for me. The hospital should be able to revert to me on the duration of admission, treatments protocols, and the total costs involved by end of next week. At the moment, although, financially I am almost at the brink of disaster, but this is the least of my worry now, I know, when the time comes, the good Lord will provide. So, I am keeping my fingers crossed that it will be an affordable and curative exercise for me.

Looking back, this whole “journey” I gone through has been a real adventure of enlightenments. As much as I was negatively affected by the emotional and physical disturbances, but I also acquired new skills and beginning to appreciate the habitat I am in in a different way. I self taught myself in Chinese calligraphy to smooth my trouble minds, and I also took up photography as a hobby to practice patience.

Over the period of the past 12 months, I took more than a thousand photographs. I am still learning to sharpen my skills. The followings are some of the pictures which I had taken :

"At the airshow TUDM 2009"

"The Middle Finger Salute"

"Famous Taiping Cendul"

"Bukit Tinggi"

"Taiping Lake Gardens"

"The Twins"

"the Orchid"

"The Thinking Monkey"

"The Eagle"

"The Butterfle"

"The Trinity"

Garden Flower"

The week that was.....

I checked out from Aenon Health Farm on Thursday morning. Overall, the past five days at Aenon has been an enjoying and relaxing experience. I did acquired a little bit more knowledge about becoming a vegan, how to prepare simple vegetarian dishes, nutritional values of fruits and vegetables, and some basic life style adjustments. Unbelievable !!! this carnivorous is on the verge of becoming a vegetarian. Do I look forward to plant based diet ? Why not ?

At the centre, one of the volunteer commented that I look positive and cheerful as a cancer patient. I don't know, maybe I am getting used to managing my health issues for the past few months. On a practical note, what choice do I have in dealing with this dreaded health issue ? Instead of self pity and living in fear, I might as well find means and ways to motivate myself to live life as it is, and happily. However, deep within me, I do have this occasional fights within me, trying to balance my daily fears and anxieties of the illness against the reality of my situation, and the need to be strong for myself and my family. Overall, I thank the Almighty for giving me the wisdom and grace to shoulder this emotional uncertainties. I accepted the fact that I am sick, but I will not give up my fight against this chronic illness. As much as I surrendered my life to the Almighty to dictate, I will also do all that within my capabilities to sustain my fight till my last breath. I know, with determination, I shall overcome, and I will recover from this unwelcome illness. I will not allow fears and uncertainties to hold me back to live life to the fullest.

At home on Friday, I had a rather relaxing time. Throughout the day, I was a little bit dozy and lazy, probably due to the relaxing pace of life during the previous few days. I was also quite happy to see my son's girlfriend, who came back for holiday from Indonesia.

On Saturday, I was attacked with another bout of severe pain at abdominal and back area. Although, my cancer marker is on a decreasing trend, but I do noticed, the bouts of pains are becoming quite frequent. I do hope my situation is not turning toward the worst. Being positive, I would like to treat these bouts of attack as healing crisis. And hopefully, the attacks tapper off eventually. My son and his girlfriend also accompany me to a medical supplies shop to buy an Infra Red Light Device to be used at home to relief my pain. So far, the penetrating warmness generated by the infrared light device does help to contain my pain to a certain extent.

Towards Sunday evening, the pain at the back subsided and the pain at the abdominal area became more manageable. I do hope I can have a good night sleep tonight ! It is rather irritating and uncomfortable to have disturbed sleeps caused by the random attack of pains over the previous few nights.

明天會更好. Praise the Lord. Good NiteZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......

Amazing Grace

I know, I have not been feeling well for many months now. Over the past few days, I had been reading my journal entries, and realized, these entries are full of negative emotions. On one hand, I had been portraying myself to others as a positive person and is confident of overcoming my health issues, but my inner negative thoughts and emotions are manifested glaringly in my journal entries. I had knowingly or unknowingly bare my soul, fear, and anxieties to others !

I must admit, cancer had in one way of another influenced my mind and perception of life. On one hand, I fought to be logical in dealing with arising issues related to my health care management, but on the other hand, I also unknowingly allowed fear and anxieties drifted me into temporary lunatical interactions with negative emotions. Come to think of it, I am, by nature, oxymoronic.

I had not been feeling well for the past two years or so, and was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 7 months ago. Since then, my mind and soul have gone through unbelievable roller coaster of mind over matter. By the grace of the Almighty, every time, when I felt that I am losing control over my mind dealing with fear and anxiety, I managed to snapped out from these dangerous mental playground to move on. I guess, despite having been ingrained with oxymoronic animal instinct, somehow, I am still a logical soul capable of rational reasonings.

I may not be in the best of health, but I am grateful to all my family members especially my wife and children for all their unconditional support and tolerance towards my occasional mood swings. I am also extremely grateful to my friends for the moral support showered on me. The Almighty is indeed graceful for blessing me with good family and good friends. One thing for sure, I will fight a good fight to recover my health and will do all that within my capability not to deprive my family members the hope of seeing me well again.

Whatever it is, I still have my pride. I will never allow myself to loose the battle against cancer without putting up a good fight. Physically, the illness may have dented my body, but emotionally, I am still what I am – I am still a man with a reputation of strong will and logical mind. I will do all that are necessary to defend myself against the evil darts of cancer.

Although, I had lost much of my appetite, but I am also thankful for all the special meals prepare for me. I treasured every words of encouragement from friends and family members, and these words shall be my armors to boost my fighting spirits against my ill health, because I know, even though I walk a lone path battling cancer, but I am not fighting this battle alone. At the end of the day, I do hope, I repay the good deeds of my family members and friends by enjoying greater degree of peace and recovered good health. Even if I loose this battle, my legacy will motivate others that I fought a good fight, and I am a good loser. And what is there for me to loose ? I know, the kingdom of the Almighty are always there to welcome me. Spiritually, I will always be a winner in the eyes of the Almighty.

In dealing with this dreaded cancer, I only have one option, that is, to win and emerged as a Survivor ! I know I will. In the mean time, please continue to pray for me and let's us sing this song together.......

Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
That sav'd a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears reliev'd;
How precious did that grace appear,
The hour I first believ'd!

Thro' many dangers, toils and snare,
I have already come;
'Tis grace has brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures;
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease;
I shall profess, within the vail,
A life of joy and peace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, who call'd me here below,
Will be for ever mine.

Memories.....

A few years ago, I went back to visit my alma mater in Taiping. Subconsciously, a missing icon triggered my memories of the past. I noticed, the round roof scout den was no longer at the corner of the school field. I enquired and was told that, the structure was infested by termites and was demolished. In their wisdom, the school authority never rebuild the scout den, probably due to lack of funds. I left the school field on that day to carry on with my usual activities of visiting my hometown. I did not realized, a little corner of my heart has been chipped off, and a little memories of the way we were that still remained within me is slowly being erased by the trial of times.

I recalled, during my teenage years, where there were no electronic games and internet, scouting is one of those activities I enjoy most. Most of the happy days I had in those teenage years are, without doubt, involved with scouting activities. Scouting has taught me to become and independent person, capable to appreciate the natural habitat surrounding me, and indoctrinated me with the physical and mental strengths to adapt and survive. I am what I am today, partly, I owed it to scouting activities during my character formation years in Taiping.

This morning, I woke up to the realization that, the missing icon – the scout den, still haunts me. The emptiness of what what used to be something within me is an unexplainable sensations of emotions. As I approach the destination of my sentimental journey, and before my candle is blown off, I realized, perhaps, to ease those haunting emptiness, and to pay back what I reaped in my youth, I must do something to replaced the scout den which was demolished some years back. In another words, I must initiate some actions to rebuild the scout den for the school children. So that at the end of the day, I can ease out in contentment that I did my part to restore what was once there.

There used to be an avenue for me to be there, now that the avenue was no longer there, I must now contribute to rebuild it, and hopefully, those come after me, will continue to defend it, so that others that come later will have an avenue to be there in the future.

I was a Scout, and I was trained to be always ready in mind and body to realize my wish and objective. Okay, for the next few months, I will work towards the objective of making this simple wish of mine a reality. I will, and I know, I can.

BE PREPARED !!!!

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves

A childhood friend of my mine who overcame personal tragedies had recently converted to Christianity. He was preaching to me his new found love and commitment to his new religion. He was cheerful, expressive, enthusiastic and packed with lots of positive energies. Perhaps Christianity and his recent attachment to spirituality has done him a lot of good. He was once bitter about his experiences dealing with deceitful friends and relatives. Out of curiosity, I asked him how he managed his past bitterness. He impressed upon me that he had learned to love his enemies, and make it a point to pray for those who wronged him. It is refreshing to see his 360 degree changed in personality and outlook for the better.

The power of religion can be miraculous and indeed changed a person. No medication is needed to alter hormonal imbalance of the body, or to suppress depressions. Come to think of it, spirituality, if accepted unconditionally, can be a very holistic cure to mental deficiency.

To those who are suffering from stress and emotional instabilities, perhaps, they should seek out religion and spirituality to remedy those negative mental state of mind. In the case of my friend, it worked very well for him. I presumed it may not worked for the majority, maybe for a small group of people. But a soul liberated from hatred and revenge is a soul saved.

Way before Christianity, the ancient Chinese did practice certain aspect of this cultured civility of loving thy enemies. This philosophy of life was best reflected by Confucius' saying of “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves” ( 冤冤相报何时了). In other words, let bygone and move on with life ? Perhaps, maybe we should adopt this ancient wisdom, and the world would be a much better place to live.

The Cantonese has a common saying that “If the sky fell on you, use it as a blanket to keep you warm” ( 天塌下來當毯蓋 ). For better or for worst, in good times or bad times, ill intent people can do whatever they want against you. These are their rights. Their actions are beyond our control, why should we bother ourselves with all these unwarranted and unproductive actions ?

Human being are born with criminal minds and animal instincts. It is always easy to forget the good deeds of others, and easy to remember those deeds that wronged us. Human minds are dangerous playground, between forgetting and remembering, our inner self has a tendency to hold on to things that wrong us that eventually breeds contempt, hatreds, and urges for revenge. The question is, when confronted with these negative urges, how do you manage it, and dissipate it into insignificant ? I have come to term with the fact that, different people had different morality, and are motivated by different values. It is not my mission to save the world. I don't know about others' intentions, the need to be accountable and responsible for my own actions are my bigger life mission than to react negatively to unwarranted and ill intents actions.

Why would a sane man allows himself to carry unnecessary emotional baggages that cause him to be unhappy and emotionally burdened to face the real world ? At my age, I am already on reversed journey home. I want to go home feeling happy and have a sense of achievement of life well lived. I would like to walk the middle path, learn to forgive, forget, let it be, and move on with life.

Now, if you think that I had been unfair to you, you are probably right, because a selfish and narrow minded person will always resort to blame others for their failures and wrongdoings. I respect your rights to live with hatreds and burdened with urge for revenge. Now, GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT !!!!!

I will pray for you.... Namo Amithaba Buddha.

Life in the fag lane

There are just too many things in my mind that need to be prioritized today, and many chores for tomorrow running through my head. It is just one of those typical day of too many things to do with too short a time to accomplish. But, the effect of the long Chinese New Year holiday still lingering around. I am still in holiday mood and admittedly, I am also not in the best of my health ! I am going to take on today on a more relax pace, and let not the outstanding matters rush me through the day.

I took a short walk from my office to the nearby field, intending to find a shady spot, and sit there to enjoy smoking my cigarettes. I was thinking, maybe the lazy and relax pace will calm my troubled minds.

A group of children were playing in the field joyously and innocently. They ran erratic paths in the field, they fell, and they help each other to get up. From afar, they gazed at me, waving their hands to acknowledge my presence. One little boy ran to me, offering his ball said “Uncle, you want to play ? Papa said smoking is bad for your body”. Instinctively, I apologized and snuffed out my cigarette. Such a well mannered and caring boy. His parents must be very proud of him. I enjoyed watching the children play. I asked myself, when was the last time I enjoy watching children playing in the playground ?

Life is short, and good times won't last. In our haste to get thing done, we often worked long hours, cultivated unhealthy habits, and neglected our health. From the facial expressions of the little boy, I see through his eyes, the sorrow of my wife and children watching me wasting my health away with my chained smoking habits. Indeed, I had lost touch with my sense of wellbeing. In my chauvinistic way, I had unknowingly throwing away their invaluable caring gifts unopened.

Perhaps, I had been living on the philosophy that I should only live life long enough to sustain my usefulness. I do not wish to be a burden to myself and my family member as I aged. I just want to live my productive life according to my own fancy, so that when I died, I can just let go smilingly and without regret to meet my creator. How selfish I was, living life the way I intend it to be on my own terms, expecting my loved ones to comply.

Perhaps, tomorrow I will cut down my cigarettes smoking......... hopefully, I would be able to wake up tomorrow morning to see the aurora before sun rises, smell the flowers, watch the birds and the bees, and, watch the sun sets.

Om Mani Pedme Hum........