A wonderful playground....

In the past nine months or so, the experiences I went throught dealing with cancer has been an unbelievable endurance journey, a journey through my mind. I honestly do not know, how long this journey is going to last, but the unpredictability makes life challengingly more interesting. I did went through all sorts of ups and downs, more downs than ups. To sound a bit perverted, the experiences gained actually enriched me, made me wiser, and gave me certain semblance of wisdom.

In the process of seeking recovery of my health, I was also constantly being reminded by my well intended friends that, I should not rely on the doctors and modern medicines for cure, because ultimately healing comes from the Almighty. I have no problem seeking divine help for spiritual guidance to support my decisions. But to ignore treament from doctors and modern medicine is an illogical act of commiting harakiri. In this regards, I choose to ignore their advises because the words said that “Put not your trust in princes, nor in the son of man, in whom there is no help. His breath goeth forth, he returneth to his earth; in that very day his thoughts perish.” (Psalm 146:3-4) I will decide on my next course of actions based on consultations with the good doctors, and do what I felt is best for myself. I believed, the Almighty will reveal to me as and when he see fit at a time of his choosing.

Occasionally, I indulged in the negative thoughts of fears, anxieties, and uncertainty, but, I also snapped out of it to pump my adrenalin with positive actions such as staying physically strong to fight the illness, and seeking solace in spiritually to boast my confidence and my mental strengths. I believe, to be healed, I need to work closely with my doctors, have faith in my built-in ability to trigger spontaneous healing, and faith in the Almighty to guide me and give me wisdom to decide my next course of action.

I used to say that, the mind is a very dangerous playground. But I realized, this is a very negative statement. Anything that relates to negativities is not conducive to my health and overall well being. So, I should rephrase that statement as “the mind is a wonderful playground” ! I believed, the whole process of seeking recovery of my health is actually a mind game, in a virtual playground, where I dictate the direction, intensity, and motive of the games. In my case, I know my body better than the doctor, and I also know, my mind control the actions and responses of every cells in my body. Theoretically speaking, I know the terrain of the playground and the luxury to set the rules of the game in this virtual playground. Therefore, I should be able to fight and win against cancer if I put mind into it. Who knows, at the end of the game, I may even shout in jubilations and reminiscing the process, and pat my back that, it is a game well played and well won.

For the time being, I need to stay fit with regular exercise, eat healthily, stay logical, and be mindful of my state of mental well being. The game had begun, like it or not, it is a marathon game of endurace. Rather than complaining about the pains and discomforts, I might as well count my blessing that I was given this unique opportunity to fight for my life, and enjoy the process of gaining the experiences and wisdoms from the extremities of this playground. If I win, I know I will, and I shall win with honours and prides.

Live worthily..........

The past one week has been a very challenging period for me. I am also beginning to notice the physiological changes within me. In addition to the increase frequency of discomforts in my abdominal area and back, I am also easily absent minded to the extended of having difficulty remembering my previous actions, my skin, especially at the facial area is growing sensitive, thin, and easily scratched, and the most irritating part is, I am easily lapsed into mood swings. These cancer cells are nasty and trying all sort of maneuvers to demotivating me. Never in my life I was compelled to endure these challenges for such a long time ! Well, they picked the wrong target, I will do all that are necessary to exterminate and flush out all those unwanted mutant cells in my body.

Those targeted drugs must have wrecked havoc in my body, or am I slowly losing my sanity and logical ability to control my state of being ? It is frustrating of not being able to assert greater control on my mind and body. I know, being what I am, I will find a way to counter and take control of the situation. The only option when dealing with the matter of survival is to fight and keep on fighting to WIN. I know I am made of flesh and blood, but the fusion of flesh and blood in my body will give me the steely determination to reclaim my territorial rights over my mind and body.

Frankly speaking, although my cancer marker's indicator is on the decreasing trend, but I do not know whether I am getting better or slowly losing my fight against this cancer thingy. At times, the continuing discomforts is slowly breaking my determination to shoulder on. I do have my occasional fears of losing my ability to fight like a real fighter, and sometimes, these fears do lapsed me into a momentary dark tunnel, hoping for lights at the other end to guide me out. But when a light finally appeared from the other end, my mind lapsed into fear again, because I feared the light at the other end could be from an coming train. There has been too many surprises and false hopes, far too many than I can cope to deal with the management of my treatments. How do I look forward to the future when the present is at doubt ? I had learned, no matter what I do, there are always times where I do not have control of future events. Between fight and flight, I will never surrendered myself to fear. I would rather sail through the storms, let the future events unfold to surprise me and be surprised with my adaptive resourcefulness. Through the grace of the Almighty, I have gained enough experiences that gave me the wisdoms to neutralize negative situation and emerged stronger.

I realized, my appetite is getting from bad to worst, I am having troubles trying to consume solid foods. I do not know whether this is a normal side effect of the drugs, or maybe it is a psychological resistant. Every time I tried to chew the foods, everything does taste like saw dusts. The more I tried to chew, the more the frustrations grow within me, because it is just too difficult to swallow the food. But the most beautiful thing is, the Almighty had given me the strength to modify my eating behavior, and I am slowly beginning to adapt with alternative eating habit to stay healthy and alive ! If those cancer cells thought that they can squeeze me into malnutritions, definitely they are in for a big surprise. I had learned to handle my fears, anxieties, and frustrations, I will find a way to stay healthy to improve my immune system to activate my spontaneous healing capability to counter attacks the cancer cells into extinctions. As long as I still hold the last breath, to throw in the tower now is not part of my game plan.

I must admit, sometimes, I do have fears dealing with uncertainties. But as a man, it is my responsibility to act brave, and pretend to be brave, because others may not tell the difference ! The important thing is, let not our negative emotion affects the emotional wellbeings of our loved ones.

For a kite to soar high, it must fly against the strong winds ! The Almighty had given me this opportunity to sail through these difficult patches of life, and I know, it will make me stronger and wiser. I know, the odds are against me, but my purpose is not to quit. Like a kite, I shall soared higher against the turbulent winds !

I love this life, and I shall Live Worthily !!!!

Round Three : A week that was…

It’s been a week since I received my chemotherapy. For those who have not experienced chemo treatments, it can be quite an emotionally exhaustive and depressing experience. Put it this way, the treatment room are full of cancer patients waiting for their turn to be injected with cancer drugs. I am already very weary of having needle poking into various part of my arm. There are varieties of expressions exhibited by the cancer patients. Although most of them tried their level best to showcase their positive and brave sides, but being a patient myself, looking through their eyes and body languages, I felt their senses of uncertainty and sadness of being entrapped into the unwelcome predicaments.

As mentioned in my previous blog entry, I received my chemo therapy on Monday morning, where a combination of drugs was intravenously pumped into my body. The session lasted about 2 hours. Everything went well, and I was discharged in the evening on the same day.

On the second day onward, in spite of my determination to be positive and look forward to the curative effects of the chemo, I developed sore throat and ulcers on the tongue. The new complications made food intakes extremely uncomfortable. In addition, I also encountered uncontrollable mood swings, where I find it difficult to control my emotions. I was hit by miserable emotions and was trying very hard to get out of it. I know, if I allow these negative emotions to consume me, it will ultimately affect my family members. To overcome these problems, I resorted to brush my teeth and rinse my mouth my Oral-B after every meals, as well as drinking a lot of liquid to hopefully “dilute” the infections in throat and tongue. I also keep myself alone and occupied with reading the Bible to keep my mind at ease. Miraculously, reading the Bible did restore calmness into my mind. Praise the Almighty for allowing me this luxury of mental escapism.

Thanks God, the sore throats and ulcers at the tongue disappeared on the fifth day. With regards to the unexpected moods swings, it is back to normalcy now. At least, for the time being, I am in control of my emotion, and my negative energy did not dissipate out to affect the emotional well being of my family members.

With regards to pain management, I had been out of pain killer for the last one week. My back pain is now randomly minimal, and my abdominal pain is also manageable now. I like to think of this as a good sign of recovery.

Whatever it is, I do realized; my current state of health had changed and turned my life up side down. I know, life will never be the same again. From now on, I will have to try my best to adapt to the new situation to make the best out of every new circumstance. It sounds like it is going to be a journey into the unknown, but I know, through the grace of the Almighty, these new challenges will eventually enriched and enlightened my life. I believe, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. HOPE and FAITH shall be my greatest medicine to overcome Cancer. At the end of the day, Life is always a philosophy of Mind over Matter, and I am now in the process of living it. I will always have a Strong mind to manage this small cancer matter !



At the moment, I do feel very tire. I am closing off this blog entry with a prose I wrote in November 2007:

Life's Journey?

Life,
to be alive for years,
yet when finality descends,
Would we be able to depart
with purpose accomplished?

We live the days,
as if death was nowhere.
We immortalized selfish agenda,
relentlessly pursuit wealth and power,
and seeking recognition of accomplishments.
But,
there shall come a time,
we shall travel long and far,
to seek that distance glorious lights,
finding our way home
to Almighty's eternal paradise.

With a tired body in eternal rest,
and soul set free from this realm,
would we be able to bid farewell,
to all the people we once loved?
Would we be able to seek forgiveness
to all the people we once wronged?

The musicians fiddle the riddles.
Friends and loved one
whisper silent prayers.
Down into the darkness of grave.
Can we hear?
Can we feel?
Can we realize?
What fool we once were?

Reflections : Mission almost accomplished.....

My son finally qualified to graduate from his Bachelor of Science program. I certainly look forward to attend his graduation ceremony in January 2009. He has also secured a job in a software development company, and will be starting his new job in mid November 2008.

I guess, the greatest joy of fatherhood is to see your children growing up, completing their college education, and starting their career. Hopefully, I can also have the opportunity to see them getting married, start a family of their own, and allow me the opportunity to hold my grandchildren on my lap.

Time flies. It seemed like only yesterday when I bottle feed my son, saw him crawl, standing up, taking the first step forward, etc. I can still remember his lovely, cute, and innocent smiles when he was a child. As a father, I had tried to devote all my responsibilities and commitments to caring for him and seeing to his needs. But there are also times during his early childhood where I was too busy to have time for him. But now, he has grown up, taller than me, and such a fine young man. Praise be with the almighty for blessing me with the opportunity to have the experiences of bringing up a child into adulthood. What a relief to see my son now having the capability to take the first step of adulthood in starting a career on his own. A father will always has hope for his son. Likewise, as a father, my only hope is, he can have the sensibility to maintain his health, work hard to develop his career, be responsible toward his family, and most important of all, has the wisdom to balance his time between family, friends, and career. Whatever it is, in order for him to develop his full potential, I have to learn to let him go to venture out on his own. I do hope, mentally, I am prepare to accept this reality and eventuality.

Since I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, my son has been trying hard to conceal his feelings. From a rebellious teenager, suddenly, he tried his level best to be responsive to me in a very awkward manner. Gone are all those immature and childlike behaviors. He has been trying to act tough, to grow up, and behaved like a responsible adult. Well, a father will always knows what is in his children's minds. I thank the Almighty for guiding my son to the right path. Honestly, seeing my son “growing up” is indeed a magical experience for me !

Is my responsibilities toward my son over ? Well, I guess as long as I still hold the last breath, my son will always be my responsibilities. The only different now is, I need to change my approach when dealing with him. Instead of giving him instructions on what to do like I used to, now it is more appropriate for me to act as his advisor, giving my opinions only when he requested them. And to have my door open for him whenever he needs me in a supporting role. Perhaps, maybe it is the right time for him to slowly take over his financial responsibilities such as paying for his car installments, insurance premiums, etc.

As a father, I know, his time will come, he will be successful in his own right and at his own terms. I do hope I can live long enough to see the day and share the joy of his success with him. But I also know, cancer is a terminal disease, and I do have doubt of my availability when the time comes. Whatever it is, I will fight with determination and discipline to restore my health. I will always be there for him, and I will not let him down. The almighty has given the greatest gift of my life, and I know, he Almighty will also grant me the opportunity to pass my parents' wisdom to my son, and cherish his accomplishment in the future.

I look forward to the day when he no longer need me anymore. Because, when that happen, I know, he will be a man of his own, ready to move on with his life, and my mission accomplished.

Reflections : The Almighty & Me....

I was born in a Taoist family in Taiping, Malaysia. Through the mistake of the nurse at the government hospital, I was registered as a Buddhist in my birth certificate. My parents, being less educated, was not aware of the administrative mistake. So, here you go, I became a Buddhist Taoist.

During my early childhood, it doesn't really bother me what religion I belonged to. Because I never learn how to pray and bother about the ritualistic procedure of offering prayers to the various deities and ancestor worshiping. All I ever remember is, during the first day of Chinese New Year, I followed my late mother to all the Taoist temple in town. My mother, being a very religious person, pray to whatever “God” she came into contact with. There are occasions, she pray to Mother Mary, the deities at the Hindu temples, etc. So, from very young age, I am exposed to various religions.

Due to the fact that, both my parents are not educated, I never came across any Buddhism or Taoism text in my house them. So, the practice of religion is basically via oral history and by observing the rituals performed by my late mother during certain Taoist ceremonies. The only religious chant I ever learned is “Namo Amithaba”. Along the way, I also learned to remember the birthrate of the deities, anniversary date for offering prayer to ancestors, all souls day, and the passing over of winter.

As a Taoist, I learned to use the correct number of joss sticks when offering prayer to the deities and ancestors. I carry on with my parents' “religious traditions” right to the present day where I set up special altars in my home to pay respect to Tor Pek Kong ( Hokkien God of Prosperity), Kuan Yim ( Godess of Mercy), Chai Kong ( the Beggar monk), Teh Chu Kong ( The landlord deity), and the ancestor altar for my late parents.

The reality of my spirituality at this stage is basically quite simple. I believe in the existence of various sages and deities. For example, the Jade Emperor is the supreme deity that control the Heaven, the Nine Emperors God is the deity that control the sea, etc.

In terms of Buddhism, Buddha never claimed to be a God or prophet. He is basically a great teacher of human philosophy specializing in the truth of life. Taoism, on the other hand, according to my understanding, is basically teaching the moral values of family and society. So these two religions formed my fundamental understanding of spirituality and religions.

At a very young age, I ventured into Canada to receive my so called modern western education. So, I do believed, my informal religious familiarization during my early childhood and tertiary education shaped me to be a religiously open minded and rational person rather than a spiritual man.

As I grow older, there is also a deep sense of urge within me to the realization that my rational ( physical ) well being is actually depended on my spiritual well being. The 2 contrasts of faith and reason at times, does spiraled me into unexplained hallucinations. There are times, in my dreams, I had conversations with ganapathy, chaikong, torpekkong, etc. I even saw the manifestation of Kuan Yim in the form of Clouds formation. Perhaps, this is a form of escapism from my mind to temporary shut out the conflicting values to eliminate unnecessary mental stress.


I had never take spirituality as a critical factor in life. I perceived spirituality as an irrational science. Frankly, I find it difficult to reconcile spirituality with logical deduction. For me to live meaningfully and productively in this life, it is better for me to adapt to the physical habitat, with both feet on the ground, and adopt a practical lifestyle to survive. I can never find justification to have blind faith in something that I can not physically and logically justify. Does that made me anti-God or an unbeliever ? On the contrary, my secular outlook can be at times oxymoronic. The bottom line is, as much as I am logically rational about my approach in life, I also happen to believe in the existence of the Almighty, and the need for a more holistic life by embracing spirituality. My personal feeling is, between faith and reason, I had yet to be enlightened to have the elusive knowledge to understand spirituality using my limited knowledge of physical science. Eventually, all roads lead to Rome. I do believe, as I age, there shall be a sentimental path laid out for me by the Almighty to seek my salvation in spirituality.

"Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." John 20:29

I do personally believe in miracle, but for miracle to materialize, I need to have strong faith in spirituality. But I will not indulged in blind faith in seeking miracles. For example, if I am sick, I would consult a medical doctor and take the prescribed medications, at the same time, complement modern medicine with prayer to God for speedy recovery. It would be illogical for me to refuse medical treatment by depending solely on prayers alone to seek restoration of health.

I am, after all, a logical man seeking enlightenment to be accepted in an increasingly illogical world. I had accepted Lord Jesus Christ as my savior, and also converted to Christianity. I sincerely pray to the almighty to grant me the grace and wisdom to understand spirituality and the truth of life.

Reflections : My hope.....

When you realized that finality of life is not too far away, and like a game of cards, you are about to show hand, what would occupy your mind while awaiting that elusive road to take you home ? I guess, I would hope that the road that eventually lead you home is not a rough and torturous one, that it would be a smooth and painless passage with flowers on both sides. Of course, I must also have the faith to believe that everything will work out at the end of the day, that I will be healthy again, and live life happily ever after. See, despite all the fear for death or uncertainty, I do have a great sense of humors.

My sister sent me this little prayer...... “Father, thank You for Your calling on my life. I seek Your Complete Healing, strength, favor, and anointing. Free me from this cancer curse. Wash me clean with the blood of Christ. Others will come to know Jesus through my witness. In His name. Amen.” Well, I pray hard. But I also believe in helping myself by having faith in modern medicine. Sometimes, I do wonder, if the Almighty is so all knowing, all loving, and all powerful, why did he allow human being to suffer unnecessarily ? This is tthe part of spirituality I still find it difficult to comprehend.

Of late, I had also been thinking about my family. Would life be ever the same again in the event that the good lord decides to call me home ? Would they be strong enough to face the challenges ahead ? I do hope the Almighty grant them the grace and courage to love and be loved in this wonderful world, and move on with life.

As a man, I am no different compare to others. I am after all, also a common man with simple hope and aspiration. I love my family. They are my hope, my joy, and my sense of being. As a father, I hope my son will have a good career, marries a good woman, and have a happy family of his own. I also hope my 2 daughters have good husbands who will honour, respect, and give them the comfortable home. As for my wife, I hope she can continue to receive the blessings of the Almighty to live a comfortable life.

Come to think of it, maybe I was chosen to be inflicted with this illness because I am mentally, emotionally, and physically the strongest in the family. That, I am strong enough in all aspects to shoulder and withstand the difficulties ahead. If this is the criteria that made me the chosen one, then so be it. But I do hope the Almighty spared my siblings and family members from being inflicted with this dreaded disease again, ever.

My recent encounters of managing my health problem also made me realized that, it is indeed a very expensive affair to fall sick. I was indeed very lucky to be able to afford this expensive health care, but to average Malaysian, I doubt most of them will be as lucky as me. I do hope, there will be greater awareness and research into chronic and terminal diseases, to bring down the costs of treatment, and make it affordable to everybody. Of course, I also hope, in the not so distant future, chronic and terminal disease will be completely wipe off from the face of this earth, where humanity will no longer have to suffer from these unkind illnesses and diseases.

Whatever it is, I have faith in myself to regain my health. I know tomorrow will be a better day. I will claim my victory tomorrow, and one day at a time. On the other hand, I will also pray hard and stand ready to receive miracles.

Life goes on, and that's life................

人 生 自 古 誰 無 死, 留 取 丹 心 照 汗 青

Since time immemorial, which mortal man doesn't dies ? I shall leave behind my deeds and sincerity be the sparkles of history.......

As I look back.....

Over the previous weeks, I had been reflecting and looking back at life. What do I really understand about life ? Honestly, what have I really achieved in life thus far ? What have I accomplished for my family and loved ones ? The funny thing is, the more I probed myself with questions, the more insignificant I felt. Life is, after all, a lesson imperfectly learned. It is basically a passage of times, where I am merely an insignificant electron zig-zagging across the the wide cosmic universe seeking guidance from an elusive higher being for a purpose of my existence.

I wrote the following in 2006, I am posting it again to reflect my mood this Sunday morning :

Life
is like a game of cards,
one by one,
the card is opened by unseen hand.

Although my heart
is filled with love for you,
but soon the rhythms must halt.
I must whisper a quiet goodbye,
and journey to the promised land.

Looking back,
I’ve tried my best,
to provide the comforts and love.
Honestly,
I have unselfishly tried my very best.

I leave behind my love,
please keep it
in a little corner of your hearts,
and cherish it among yourselves................

Do not weep at my graveside,
do not bring me flowers.
I can no longer feel
with my eyes closed,
and my soul in eternal rest.
Just pray to GOD
that he will guide me to the promised land,
where I can be together again with my beloved parents.

Thank you for everything.
Although Life is
a difficult lesson imperfectly learned,
But I have lived a meaningful life.
A life of no regrets!

I pray that God grants you the strengths,
to continue living
with honesty, generosity, & love.
And to live a meaningful life,
and a life of no regrets.

Friday night's reflections.....

I have not been in the best of health for the past one month or so, I guess this is basically part and parcel of growing old. I like to think that, as you grow older, you become wiser, but in the process of becoming a wiser man, degenerative body parts malfunctions slowly creeps in to test your faith and confidence.

I hate to visit the doctors. But what choice do I have, when ill health set in, visitation to the doctors are necessary evils. Sometimes, I do have a creepy feeling whenever the so called specialists have funny and strange specializations. For example, gastroenterology, urology, cardiology, etc. My God, modern medicine is such, they actually have specialists for everybody parts ! It is not uncommon that, when you checked into a hospital, you will be ding-dong among various specialists. At the end of the day, if your illness or disease don't kill you, the hospital bill will.

Honestly, I would like to grow old gracefully. I do hope ill health will not become part of the burden of growing old. As much as I need support from my family members to manage ill health, the rational side of me also dictate that I should not be a burden to my family members. Sometimes, I do felt it is better for me to keep the state of my health to myself and manage it within my sensibility, rather than causing unnecessary worries to others. I do believe, I have the mental strength and emotional stability to manage whatever that are degenerative and unwelcome. The rest, I leave it to the almighty to decide and dictate.

I have been having disturbed sleeps and woke up extremely early, sometimes as early as 4:00am in the morning, over the past few weeks. Usually I will go downstairs to the living room, tuned the radio for some soft music to listen. Looking at the positive side, I actually did enjoy the solitude in the early morning. Those serene solitudes gave me the opportunities to reflect upon life in my younger days. Honestly, I lived a humbled and down-to-earth life with beautiful children and a supportive wife, I sincerely have no regret in my life. It is a life well lived by any standard. And I will continue to live life as it is. Life may be tough in the days ahead, but who cares ? I always believe, I am tougher than life.


Of course, in my life, there are many times I felt betrayed by people I cared and loved. But those experiences did make me emotionally stronger and more appreciative of people who showered me with sincerity. I realized, whatever negative things that happened are not going to change. I must accept the reality of the past events, and move forward to let go the pain by embracing the future. What worth is revenge when we are burdened with hatreds and consciously causing hurts to others with negative energies ? I have learned to let go of the pain by becoming more forgiving. I guess, this is the wisdom gained as I aged. I am now beginning to understand certain actions of my late parents. The more I tried to be a man on my own, the more I am becoming them. Well, the seasonality of life does comes in cycles.

Tomorrow morning, whatever it may, in sickness or in good health, I would like to smell the flowers, and, life goes on................

Om Mani Pedme Hum. Good NiteZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.............

Fragment from the past............

I remembered, many years ago, I rented a small single storey house in Sri Petaling at a rental of RM 280 per month, and my office was located in downtown Kuala Lumpur. As a result, I was a frequent user of the old Sri Petaling and Kuala Lumpur trunk road.

During those days, my salary was barely enough to cover my monthly expenses, but I managed. And, I felt lucky to at least have a job. I did work hard because I do not want to lose my job. Most of the times, I worked past normal office hours. Usually, by the time I am on the road home, it was probably around 10:00PM.

Thinking of those days does bring back some “pleasurable” memories.

I am not saying that the Police is corrupted. However, I do encountered many little experiences dealing with corrupted police personnel on the road. Without fail, if my memory served me right, every week, there would be at least one or two incidences of my vehicle being flagged down by the police during the night while I traveled from office to home. And usually, the policeman accused me of speeding ( even though I am cocksure that I am not speeding ), and it is always theirs words against mine. The police man will always end up asking me : “Mau Selesai ? “ ( which means – do you want to settled ? ). To cut a long story short, “selesai” here means you end up folding two RM10 notes, tucked in between your Driving license and National Identification Card, then passed it to the policeman. The police man will somehow expertly removed the money between the two cards, then return the cards to you. You are then free to carry-on with your drive home.

What if I refuse to “Selesai” with the policeman ? I did ask them this question before because I know I did not commit any traffic violation. The police man impressed upon me that, if I don't pay – up, they will escort me to the police station to make life miserable for me. Well, when you are tired and wanted to go home eagerly to rest, there is no point arguing with those uniformed bastards. I always paid up. Mind you, I am so experienced with this frequent encounters that I always keep 2 pieces of RM10 notes in my car compartment. Whenever I was stopped by the police on the same stretch of road, right or wrong, as soon as I wind down the window, I will just handover my diving license and National Identification Card together with RM20 in between to the policeman. Within minutes, the policeman will ask me to move on so that they can preyed on the next “victims”.

Sometimes, I end up paying more than RM 200 a month to those bastards in order to have a smooth passage home. I told myself, this can't go on indefinitely, and there must be a cheaper alternative. Bingo, I did found out a cheaper alternative ! I went to the Chinese shop specializing in selling joss sticks, etc to buy a few stack of “Hell Notes”, folded them carefully to make them look like RM 10 notes.

On the next incidence I was stopped by the police, I confidently slipped the Hell Notes between my cards and passed it to the police. Surprisingly, they just accept it and let me move on. Before I start my car engine, I always say a silent prayer, the prayer goes something like this “may you bastard have the early opportunity to use the note in hell”. Miraculously, after 2 further incidences, I was never stopped by police again. Buddha does work in a miraculous way. I presumed those uniformed bastards either never dare to station themselves on that stretch of trunk road to demand bribes, or they already end up in hell with a bundle of useless hell notes !


Thinking back, those early incidences do ingrained a negative perception of our police force in my mind. Until today, I do have my doubt on the integrity and honesty of the police force. Whatever they said, I will have to take their words with many pinches of salts.

Whatever it is, I guess, my prayer and my little creativities does work ! The moral of the story is, do not wronged a Buddhist, you may end up in hell !

Namo Amithaba Buddha.....................

Moving on ?

The week that was has been eventful and tiring. Work wise, the environment in the office has been a source of constant irritants. I had been planning to change the office business model in anticipation of handover in early 2009. I figured, the best way for me to exit is to reposition the company, simplify process, and evolve a new business model. In the process of doing so, it caused some instability among personnel. I am amazed that for such a small office, there are so much politics. I guess, in any office, at times, different priority and different expectation do give rise to unhealthy office politics.

Over the past one month or so, I had a staff who has been taking half day leave to attend job interview elsewhere. As a management personnel, I believe it is the rights of the staff to seek job elsewhere to upgrade his career. As the Chinese saying goes, it is better for me to “close one eye”, and approve whatever leave the staff need, to attend whatever job interview he can secured. I even gave good references to that particular staff. I honestly believed the particular staff is incapable to be trained due to his limited technical skills, lack of initiative, and indiscipline. I just do not want to waste my my time with him because I do not think he can fit into the new business model. I figured, it is better for me to invest in new people than to cultivate tolerance to problem personnel.

In “closing one eye”, I regretted that I had indirectly contributed to the negative working environment in the office. The particular personnel developed the arrogance of insubordination thinking that he is indispensable to the company. He even approach my administration department to open brag about his job interview and impose himself to demand salary increment. Stupid fella barking at the wrong wall to seek salary increment, and in the process, created unneccessary animosity for himself. As far as I am concerned, I will only adjust compensation package based on performance evaluation and direct frank discussions. For the time being, I am in no mood to award uncommitted personnel. And definitely, I am in no mood to retain people who I believe no longer fit into my new business plan. I had been in this industry for so many years, I am definitely confident to believe that nobody is indispensable. So, I call the personnel up to have a friendly discussion to seek his agreement to resign. Because, I honestly believed it would be much better off for him to move on his career with other organization. Not a bad discussion after all, a win – win situation, he agreed to resign, and I have one less hindrance in my new business plan.

Like I said before, I am a salmon on reverse journey. I just want to make my simpler and easier. I had made up my mind to handover the company in 2009, I will do the necessary to make my exit easier, whoever stand in my way will be subtly removed – without stress, without fear, and definitely without tears.

Looking at things as it is, I guess I am way out of schedule, but I will manage and adapt to move on. I will take on the problem one day at a time, whatever will be, will be.

Now less digress a bit, I received a cute email on Saturday morning from a friend. Well, the content of the email does bring me back to my senses of humanity. Here goes the content of the email :

I will be there.

If one day you feel like crying,
Call me.
I don't promise that I will make you laugh,
But I can cry with you

If one day you want to run away--
Don't be afraid to call me.
I don't promise to ask you to stop...
But I can run with you

If one day you don't want to listen to anyone...
Call me.
I promise to be there for you.
And I promise to be very quiet.

But if one day you call...
And there is no answer...
Come fast to see me.
Perhaps I need you.

Namo Amithaba Buddha, Good NiteZZZZZZzzzzzzzz.......

Life........

It has been very hectic for me over the past few weeks. Firstly there are simply too many documents to be organized and to be placed in order. I don't know what got into me, somehow, I do have an eerie feeling that, if anything unwelcome happened to me, at least those documents can set my family in the right track to move on in life.

I also realized, there are so many friends out there I had lost contact with. I would like to make it a point to visit every one of them. Most of these friends are from my childhood times, and of course there are also those I met during the course of my career. I guess, as I grow older, I am beginning to drift into sentimentalism of reminiscing those “good old days” of boyish friendship and solidarity.

Work wise, I look forward to early retirement in another 6 months time. But can I make it ? There are simply just too many loose ends to tie, and too many unknown variables to manage. I started this business many years ago. In the beginning, I enjoy what I am doing, as it expand, it was very challenging to keep it going, but now, I found it heart aching to part with it. Whatever it is, I will give it a try to retire and pursue other course in life.

Looking at the recent photographs of myself. I do wonder, that man, with wrinkles on the forehead, sagging eye bags, and bulging tummy, is that me ? I do indeed look like my father ! I feared growing old, but between aging and forever young, do I have a choice ? Would investing in anti aging creams set my biology clock backwards ? Like it or not, I have to accept the law of nature gracefully and accept the finality of the ultimate transformation of energies.

I am beginning to like to listening to FM radio and those oldies songs of the 70's, appreciate things that are imperfect, and care less of what others think of me. On the positive sides, I think I am also getting more sentimental and compassionate. But, I am also getting less tolerance of ideas that is not compatible with mine. After all, I do want to impose that, as I grow older, I acquired the wisdom to earn the rights to be wrong. I guess, I've aged.

Life. Have I past my prime ? Whatever it is, I am going to be very practical about it. I am not going to cry because I missed my opportunities or because it is over, I will try to wear a smile because they happened.

You know, when you were born, you cried, but the rest of the world rejoiced. Are you going to cry all the way to the grave ? Welcome to the real world, suckers ! Life is indeed full of ups and downs. We spend all our youth to smoothen out life's rough edges, just when when we are about to harvest the fruits of our labours, poor health set in, we grow old, and became useless ! Aging, is indeed a scary process.

Life, I longed for love and respect, I quested for knowledge with passion, and I also have unlimited endurance to the sufferings that came attached. I have so much reverence for life that is inspired by love and guided by knowledge. But in my deepest fear, I know, at the end of the day, death is always the ultimate certainty. Is life worth living ? Perhaps, on the other dimension, eternity awaits those tired souls..........

Who Am I ?

I had my burning idealism and motivation guided by a common principle that nobody owed me a living. I worked hard, not out of necessity, but to ensure I do not have to depend on others to care for my financial wellbeing, and also to ensure that people around me can depend on me to have basic comforts if the needs arise. Personally, I also believe in doing good to people without asking for returns. I want to live a simple life with genuine friends, seek not wealth, recognition, status, and not to unduly worried about the future.

I have gave up my career to be with my family. I know, job comes and goes. If I lost a job today, I can always find a new job tomorrow. If my office lost me as an employee, the company can always find a better replacement to take over my functions and responsibilities. But if I lost my loved one, I would never be able to find a replacement. Likewise, if my loved one lost me, it would be a permanent emotional scar on their hearts.

Perhaps, these were simple aspirations from a deluded man man who selfishly intend to remain status quo without major disruptions in his life. But, those were aspirations when I was young. Time has changed, the surrounding has changed, and people around me have also changed. I am also not what I used to be – I have changed ! Looking forward and reminiscing the past, I guess the only thing that will always remain CONSTANT is CHANGE.

In the past, I denounced racism and discrimination, I hate religious intolerances, I despised cultural imposition, I had my hatreds toward insincere and dishonest people, and many negativities which are unacceptable in my reality. In life, if you preoccupied yourself with negativities, negativities will consumed you in the end. In my eagerness to right the wrongs, I became what I tried to right. The fact is, I became an oxymoron exists in the Grey area of a two dimensional black and white reality. I had unknowingly charted my stupidity of making life uninteresting for myself !

I guess, the collections of life's experiences enriched me with the wisdom to have a philosophical approach to adapt to life. Now that I am a salmon on a reverse journey, my perceptions and responses to life have also change. I will let adaptive instinct to lead me to whatever direction it dictate, I will not be burdened by my conscious efforts to decide the eventualities. For better or worst, I will let the future surprise me. Am I making the right decision or right effort ? I do not know. Times will tell, and times will right all wrongs.

One thing for sure, I lived a very blessed life. The good angels has been overly kind to me, they graced me with the blessings to live life as it is.

From now to “eternity”, what do I want from life ? Well, I will take more time out to smell the flowers. I will definitely hope to be able to have more times to sip my coffee, enjoy whatever foods that are presented to me, feel the liveliness of the fresh air, see more sun rises, and be awed by the beauty of sunsets. It will be a bonus if the good angels can also grant me the opportunity to carry the children of my children on my lap, and the time to tell my grandfather stories.

Who am I in this life ? The question is, who wants to know and who bothers ? Whatever it is, we are not what we used to be, we are not what we want to be, and we are not what others want us to be. So, be fair to yourself, and be fair to others. Live life as it is, what ever will be, will be.

Namo Amithaba Buddha.........

Beautiful women.......

According to www.travelersdigest.com, the cities with the most beautiful women are all located in “Christian” Countries. The top ten cities are listed below. Mind you, the beautiful women in these cities are not only beautiful, but also super friendly, and extremely educated. Beauties with brains ! Wow, what a nirvana. Heaven is indeed on earth with all those bouncing, curvacious, and long legged temptress roaming on the streets. All they need to do is to wet their lips and blowing sweet flying kisses, the world will come tumbling down at their mercy.

To die for ? I guess my last words will be “Oh my God, oh nooooo.... oh yessssssss...... OOOoooooo.... o Godddddddd.......” ! A soul sexually liberated is an enlightened soul ! Nirvana, here I cum....

Here goes the world top ten cities with the most beautiful women :

1. Stockholm, Sweden
2. Copenhagen, Denmark
3. Buenos Aires, Argentina
4. Varna, Bulgaria
5. Los Angeles, California
6. Moscow , Russia
7. Caracas, Venezuela
8. Montreal, Canada
9. Tel Aviv, Israel
10. Amsterdam, Holland

Please visit HERE for descriptives of why these cities are chosen as TOP TEN.

Indeed, from the streets of Stockholm to the shores of Holland, this world is full of beautiful women in so many beautiful cities. Sometimes, I do wonder why there are still people out there wanting to commit suicides and mass murders in the name of their God with the hope of getting virgins in heaven. Why are these religiously inclined people so hard-up for virgins ? What makes these sexually disillusioned people think that born losers and sexual rejects on earth can become holy Casanova after they are dead ?

There are lots of beautiful virgins and non virgins already on earth in all those beautiful cities. If virgins are what those deluded people fantasized, probably it is easier to just make a reservations with the travel agents for necessary travel arrangement to fly to these beautiful cities. It is safe, civilized, no lives are killed, and definitely no unnecessary collateral damages. If luck is on their sides and the chemistry is right, they can even have earthly sex with these beautiful women. Believe me, it is not sinful to have sex. Let's not have double standard of morality between heaven and earth. If sex is a sin on earth, what makes them think that it is not a sin to have sex in heaven with all those promised virgins ? Forget about all those unattainable righteous religious teachings. Rest assure that we are all products of sexual conjugations. Therefore, living a sexually decadent life is not sinful. So, go ahead to shoot your wild seeds and propagate.......... it is better than perverted self denials and indiscriminate killings of innocent people.

Ahhhhh... my Buddhist teaching is, attachment to desires is sufferings. Likewise, the attachment to non-attachment to desires is also another form of suffering. Forgive me Buddha, for this weekend, I will let my basic instinct rule my head. I am going on a hunting trip for beautiful women. Wow ! Si pek tor liap..... Si pek song..... Yet Yat fool Chei Pak yee mun.... Lai lar, lai lar........ O mi tor hoot !!!!

Good news....

After weeks on the receiving end of all those depressing news, finally there are some good news coming in......

First good news, the NST's Jalur Gemilang on Middle Rocks. Finally, a group of patriotic Malaysians finally landed on the Middle Rocks ( aka Batu Batu Tengah, batuan Tengah, or whatever ) to hoist the Malaysia Flag. The heroic deed was led by the Secretary of the National Security Council, Datuk Muhammad Hatta Abdul Aziz. This is the first time the Jalur Gemilang has been raised there. Hmmm... for their braveries and sacrifices, maybe we should bestow some titles and awards to member of the team.


Second Good news, The Star's Vehicle owners get their rebates. The government that care and that are forever sensitive to the needs of its citizens handed out RM 600+ per vehicle to offset the rising fuel prices suffered by the mtorists. Thousands of motorists lined up as early as 7:00am on Saturday ( 15/06/2008) at the post offices to get their hard earned cash back. A total of 683 post offices were involved. On the first day of pay-out, more than 239,414 vehicle owners received RM116.734 million. In total 1.6 million vehicle owners are expected to recived estimated RM 800 million annually. Why involved such massive logistics and asked these poor Malaysians to lined up in the long queue to get their money back ? In the first place, wouldn't it be more efficient and caring to just post the cheques to their last known registered address ?

Say NO to Subsidies, and YES, YES, YES to rebates....... whatever it is, RM600 can buy me many weekends of Bak-Kut-Teh – the haram and sinfully delicious pork stewed in herbs....


Madu di tangan kiri mu, racun di tangan kanan mu, yang manakah akan kau beri pada ku ? So, anymore good news to make my day ?

A subsidized mentality......

Tomorrow is Friday the 13th. According to news report, there will be a mass protest in downtown Kuala Lumpur. The protest is organized by GERAMM, a coalition of people who are against the recent petroleum price hike. GERAMM said, it will be a peaceful protest. In this regard, I do hope the Police and the Federal Reserve Unit can exercise extreme care not to irritate the protesters. Maybe the police and FRU should refrain from confronting the protesters head-on, but conduct a very discipline crowd control to ensure the protesters the passage of way to conduct the protest peacefully as originally intended by the protesters. After all, we are a civilized country having great respect for freedom of assembly and expression. Aren't we ?

Friday the 13th is also a very superstitious day for a lot of people. So, let us pray that no untowards or negatively extraordinary things happen tomorrow. The recent petroleum price hike of 41% is extreme high, and a lot of people are caught unprepared to face this man made stupidity. Naturally, people are extremely frustrated because they are unprepared to deal with this higher costs of living and and its subsequent after shocks. I do hope the authority show some compassion on these protesters, give them the avenue and free passage of way to express their frustrations and anxieties peacefully.

On the other hand, our mentality and addiction for subsidies know no limits. Where else in the world you can find petrol subsidy, rice subsidy, sugar subsidy, cooking oils subsidy, flour subsidy, housing subsidy, education subsidy, and so on. To enable our locally manufactured lesser quality car to sell well, we imposed heavy duty on imported cars, another form of subsidy in disguise. At the end of the day, we may also need subsidy to raise our children. Who knows, eventually, even our faith in God also need to be subsidized. The government was not elected to only manage prices of goods or play preferential treatments. We elect them to managed today resources to achieve tomorrow results with strategies and action plans. The manipulations of prices should be left to the morons who think they are smarter than the market forces.

Come to think of it, sooner or later, we all have to shed our reliance on subsidies. We simply can't go on living like parasites depending on this subsidy or that subsidy. But having said that, we are also living in a managed economy where the prices of essential items are controlled by the government. And petroleum happened to be a basic necessity and essential items for all Malaysians. Therefore, the right thing to do is, the government should refrained from enforcing selective subsidy schemes. Either we implement complete subsidies, or remove all form of subsidies completely.

When a person can afford to buy a house costing hundred of thousands of ringgits, why the rest are obliged to subsidize him with a 10% discount ? Robbing the poor to enrich the rich ? Why academically less competent scholars are allowed places and scholarships at the expense of more competent scholars ? Our best brain are drained to other countries at young age, while the not so talented are left behind to be the jaguh kampung. How can the country survive in the long run with no pool of best talents ? I can go on and on with my biased perception of what I think is inappropriate. But I am not going to waste my breaths harping and spewing negativities. I know, what ever condition or situation I am in, I will play by the rules, adapt, and contribute positively to the financial well being of the country. Because I am so used to live my life in Malaysia without any subsidy, hand-outs, or preferential treatment. Lacked of opportunity and scarcity made me a stronger man. I am a patriot, not a parasite.

We have been depending on subsidies and preferential treatments in all sort of excuses for too long to the extend that we are no longer competitive and productive. In fact, some of us even think that parasitic and rent seeking demands at the expense of other hardworking and law abiding Malaysians are our birth rights.

Removing petrol subsidies is painful to a lot of Malaysians. But we have to start some where to remove all form of subsidies, price control, and preferential treatments. For healthy and sustainable growth, we should practice a free, fair, and open economy to encourage productivity, competitiveness, and meritocracy. Let the market establish its equilibrium, where supply meets demands, and where meritocracy sustain competitiveness and productivities.

The economic reality is, we are all now in a sinking boat with shrinking cake. We must all come together, and work together to find our strategic posture to survive as a united nation. Let us not be blinded by short term comfort at the expense of long term extinction. As much as I am angered with the recent petrol price hike. I know, the sooner I adapt to this new reality, the stronger I will become. I stand on my two feet with pride without any hand-outs and subsidies from the government. While I play my part to adapt and contribute to the well being of Malaysia, I sincerely hope the government is also guided by moral and ethical values to play fair by eventually removing all form of subsidies, be it in the form of preferential treatments or unfair allocation of resources. let's us treat all Malaysians fairy irregardless of race, religion, class, creed, or whatsoever.

Yes, I am an oxymoron. On one hand, I am angry with the price increase of petrol and electricity. But I am also a rational man knowing very well that continued reliance on subsidies will eventually turn the nation into a fertile bed breeding bunch of shameless parasites. So, bring it on, and face the reality now. Why waste your time and breaths behaving like cry babies and participating in mass protests kow-pek kow-booing our grievances.

Life is short. NO BODY OWES US A LIVING. Get real, get a life, work harder to overcome obstacles........


Latest from various sources :

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia (Map, News) - More than 1,000 opposition supporters marched through Malaysia's largest city Friday in the biggest public show of anger over the government's decision to dramatically raise fuel prices.... Read Malaysians march to protest fuel hike.

KUALA LUMPUR: Some 2,000 protesters marched through the Malaysian capital Friday in the largest of a series of demonstrations against last week's steep fuel price hike. Read Thousands protest fuel price hike in Malaysia

Of farting sheeps and goats....

At the Organization for Economic Co-Operation and Development (OECD) in Paris , Phil Goff, New Zealand's Minister of Trade said "Our agricultural research organization just last week was able to map the genome that causes methane in ruminant animals and we believe we can vaccinate against flatulent emissions..."

In New Zealand, 90% of the country's methane emissions are produced through belching and flatulence by the population of 45 million sheeps and 10 million cattles, causing environmental pollution and greenhouse gas effects.

Hmmm.... interesting ! New Zealand scientists have developed a "flatulence inoculation" to cut down unwelcome discharge of methane gas ( farting ) by sheeps and cows ?

Animal also can farts ? But can Pig also farts ? I am not sure about the four legged pigs, but of late, I do see a lot of two legged pig look alike creatures farting here and there, demanding respect for their rights to impose on and abuse the rights of others. Occasionally I also come across many two legged goat look alike creatures farting their demands wanting others to be sensitive to their insensitivities.

Well, with the anticipated yearly savings of RM 48 Billions from fuel subsidies, maybe we should allocate some of this money to fund our local scientists (if there is any) to further research and develop a new version of flatulence inoculation vaccines for human consumptions. The developed vaccines should be distribute free of charge to all those shameless racists, uncouth barbarians, religion zealots, and communal pariahs. Malaysians should be spared from a lot of those politically correct or incorrect noisy and smelly fartings.

Que Sera Sera...

Another few more months, if things work out according to plan, I will be retiring at end of the year. Something I look forward to, to retire young, and to do the things I always wanted to. It would be nice for a start to compare with friends how big a fish I caught on fishing trips rather then how much sales I generated in the corporate tug-of-wars.

I belonged to the “after merdeka” generation of the 60's, and miraculously survived the 70's, 80's, 90's, and now the 2000's. As a young man, I traveled far and wide. Had my happy days, sow my wild seeds, and married young. My son will be graduating soon from the college. Looking back, not a bad life indeed. They said, life wisdom is a collection of experiences. Taking it positively, I earned my dues as a wise middle-age man. Looking at it on the not so positive side, we are also a generation of morons. We did believe in equality and fairness for all Malaysians, but we learned that, equality and fairness come with heavy sacrifices. We worked hard to improve our standard of livings and accumulation of wealths, but we also realized there are so many self proclaimed under privileged people out there demanding their rights to entitled the fruits of our labours.

I am from the generation that work hard for our next generation. But this new generation is way out of touch with mine. The “young people” seemed to think that it is okay to be seen to be weird with punky coloured hairs and earings. They wear expensive designer clothes, expensive shoes, and high-tech hand phone (they called it PDA), while I bargained for a cheaper Pagoda t-shirt, and trying to prolong the battery life of my old bulky Nokia phone to save a few dollars more. While I sweat it out conquering new sales territories, they built their empires on the fantasy cyber space of internet with their avatars and virtual friends. My generation seemed to think that money can't buy happiness, but nevertheless, we approach life with down to earth practicality by working hard to establish financial comforts, but this new weird generation of bolihism seemed to think that money can at least rent financial recognition, and credit cards are gateway to temporary financial glories to impress others.

My generation believed in fairness. We worked hard to get “rich”. But this new spoon fed generation are basically a bunch of indecent idealists with the notion that because there are rich people and poor people, it isn't fair to have such income disparity. Hello, are we a democratic country or are we a communist country ? Is it a sin to be rich ? It is okay to envy the rich, but please don't lust for their wealth. If you want to live a wealthy life style, please work hard to become rich and buy your own bungalows and BMWs.

The world don't owed my generation a living. Do you honestly believed the world now owed your generation a living ? Come on, go fark off and start hitting the road to earn your dues.

At the end of the day, que sera sera. The hardworking will continued to enjoy wealthy life style, while the lazy parasites will forever live in shit holes ranting their incoherent languages. This is the law of karma. It has been that way in the past, and it always will in the future.

Om Namo Amithaba Buddha.

And God becomes us.....

Over the past few weeks, I have been hearing sad stories of so many people suffered from cancer and other terminal illnesses. Why do good people suffered from these dreaded diseases ? I do wonder. If there is actually a creator we commonly acknowledged as God, and if this almighty fella is such a loving and forgiving entity, why then does he or she allowed human to suffer ? Are we supposed to surrender ourselves completely and unconditionally to this perverted creator and endure illnesses as our fate, and a test of our faith in him ?

I remembered the sufferings of my late mother. She was a very religious and kind person. But it doesn't matter whether a person is religious or otherwise, cancer does not discriminate. She suffered from cancer. She was exhausted by the treatments and the pains she endured. At the end, she was defeated by cancer. When she needed God most, God was nowhere to be seen. “God works in mysterious ways.” ? Come on, Give me a break ! I said, go fark off with all those holy craps. Why should I believe in a God that glorifies sufferings ? Honestly, I would rather believe in the law of karma, Satan, angels, and all the natuk kongs.

Whatever it is, the past one week has been a very difficult week emotionally. Somehow, I had a funny feeling that God ( if there is one ) does not comes into this world with love, he came with a sword that brought wars and sufferings. And, the believers are created here to suffer and endure pains in his name. This mighty fella must be a sadist enjoying in the dark corner watching helpless humans suffering from illnesses and aging. If this is his ball game, then why are we still being so naive and illogical to believe there is a God and worship him blindly ?

Do I blame God for all these dreaded diseases such as cancer and aging ? No, I am not looking for someone greater than myself to blame. Why should I blame a non existence entity ? As a Buddhist, I do not believe in the existence of God. God is merely a one letter short of four letters word we invented in our deluded mind to seek hope for elusive miracles.

If a government is incapable to mange a country and the people welfare, the natural tendency is to vote the government out during the general elections. If the “God” we are asked to believe in, is incapable to manifest and salvage us during our times of difficulties and sufferings, then why are we still believing in its existence ? Perhaps, insanity rules our heads, we created God, in his name, we institutionalized our stupidities into religion, ritualized our incomprehensible words into written word of God, and documenting illogical thoughts into prayers.

The more we are educated, the less we learned. We are, after all, a bunch of unconsciously incompetent and inferiority complex animals trying to immortalize our masochism by fantasizing the existence of something greater than ourselves to seek hope of avoiding the finality of life.

Like it or not, we must get out from our mental cocoons to seek cures ourselves, rather than wasting our times shouting noisy prayers for the elusive probability of spiritual enlightenments. By the way, noisy prayers do contribute to noise pollutions. We live in the real world on earth. The reality is, there is no temple bigger than our hearts, and there may or may not be a God out there. But for the time being, to live happily and meaningfully, we need to logically acknowledge that, God is only an illusion in our deluded minds. We are all gardeners of this earth. We reaped what we sowed. What goes around, comes around. As long as we are unable to grasp this reality, there shall be no happiness, love, health, wealth, and peace on earth.

As much as I want to be a spiritual person, I also happened to believe in truths and reasons. Our hope for cures and treatments of dreaded diseases and aging lie in our efforts in modern medical research, not through blind faiths and prayers to a “God”. Our faiths are in our own hands. We are master of our own destiny, not the elusive “God”. Others can justify and believe in whatever Gods they want, but should have the basic decency to refrain from imposing and mislead others with their beliefs.

Om Namo Amithaba Buddha.....

Life as it is....

In this quiet room of mine,
staring at the computer,
and tapping the keyboard,
reminiscing life as it is.

Life exists in duality.
Everything comes in pairs of opposites.
They are unlike yet seemingly identical in nature.
All truths come with lies, and all lies resulted in truths.
Life is full of paradoxes.
But at the end of the day,
all paradoxes will find its path to be reconciled.

I have wrote many words,
putting one word after another,
putting one paragraph after another,
trying to make meaning of my thoughts.

Many people have read what I wrote.
Many may never understand my thoughts.
I don't expect them to,
because what I wrote is for me.

I am what I am.
I am also what I am not.
What seemingly is, is seemingly not.
That is my oxymoronism at the highest level.
You have problem with that ?

Life as it is.....

Yesterday, an old friend of mine said to me that “Life is a four letters word”. In the English vocabulary, there are thousands of four letter words. But from his mood and expression, I can safely assumed which four letters word he is referring to. He gave me an impression that he has illogical hatreds towards wealthy people, and surrounded himself with airs of desperation and hopelessness. I can't really blamed him for his personal assessment of life. He is a product of his interaction with his habitat, and the environment maketh him. To cut a story short, he is what he is, because, throughout his life, he has to deal with desperations, betrayals, and all sorts of life's negative consequences. He is entitled to his opinion of life, and I accept him for what he is. And like it or not, this world are infested with lots of similar people like him with different perception and purpose of life.

In life, some like to abuse, and some loved to be abused !

What is the purpose of life ? I presumed I am not the first want to ask this question, and I definitely will not be the last one to pose the same question again. Human being are born with limited capabilities to comprehend the nature of living things. While we can accept the complexities of knowledge involved in splitting and fusioning of nano science to create luxuries and destructions, but we illogically refused to accept the rationality of life. Some people are so disillusioned with life that they sought escapisms in the irrational logics of religions and God. When the teachings of religions are distorted and misguided, blind faiths overcame reasons, these people end up being deluded from the real world and subsequently became a danger to themselves and humanity.

When life is tough on earth, we do come across noisy disillusioned people, who had failed to adapt to human weaknesses and temptation. These people resorted to seek the comforts of religion in the hope of escaping the difficult life of living, and a short cut to “heavenly” paradise. But how ? By offering loud prayers to God many times everyday ? By simply pressing a button to conduct suicide bombing ? When a person lives life no longer, death is a certainty. Is having a satanic mindset of causing massive collateral lost of lives, sufferings, and pains of innocent people part of a religious package for selfish entitlement to heaven ? A twisted and perverted mind will always find way to justify his stupidity in the hope of taking short-cut to their so called heaven.

In death, there are eternal peace ?

The purpose of life on earth is to try our level best to live a logical good life within our own affordability. Life is on earth. The choice of living a hellish or heavenly paradise on earth is our own, because we are the gardeners of the earth. We reaped what we sowed. Is it such a difficult concept to comprehend ?

Despite my intense personal religiosity of Buddhism, I am also a practical man. I am positively oxymoronic ! I definitely would love to pursue an eternal life of paradise, both on earth and “heaven”. But I also realized that, it is illogical to accept the irrational logic of life after death. Sometimes, in our deep rooted religious concentration, our mind wandered into the unknowns, we sometimes see paradise on the other dimensions. But how sure are we that those visuals are not merely a state of mental hallucinations ? As a “good Buddhist”, I would like to live life to the fullest, enjoy life as it comes along, and do no intended harms to other. At the same time, I will work as hard as I can to accumulate wealth to sustain material comforts. I will try my level best to balance my spirituality with life materialisms and pervatisms.

Can religion and commitment to God guaranteed us a ticket to heaven ? I don't know. But take it this way, just in case there is life after death, it is no harm investing in religion as an insurance policy.

I am, after all, a deluded oxymoron ! Do you have problem with that ?