As I look back.....

Over the previous weeks, I had been reflecting and looking back at life. What do I really understand about life ? Honestly, what have I really achieved in life thus far ? What have I accomplished for my family and loved ones ? The funny thing is, the more I probed myself with questions, the more insignificant I felt. Life is, after all, a lesson imperfectly learned. It is basically a passage of times, where I am merely an insignificant electron zig-zagging across the the wide cosmic universe seeking guidance from an elusive higher being for a purpose of my existence.

I wrote the following in 2006, I am posting it again to reflect my mood this Sunday morning :

Life
is like a game of cards,
one by one,
the card is opened by unseen hand.

Although my heart
is filled with love for you,
but soon the rhythms must halt.
I must whisper a quiet goodbye,
and journey to the promised land.

Looking back,
I’ve tried my best,
to provide the comforts and love.
Honestly,
I have unselfishly tried my very best.

I leave behind my love,
please keep it
in a little corner of your hearts,
and cherish it among yourselves................

Do not weep at my graveside,
do not bring me flowers.
I can no longer feel
with my eyes closed,
and my soul in eternal rest.
Just pray to GOD
that he will guide me to the promised land,
where I can be together again with my beloved parents.

Thank you for everything.
Although Life is
a difficult lesson imperfectly learned,
But I have lived a meaningful life.
A life of no regrets!

I pray that God grants you the strengths,
to continue living
with honesty, generosity, & love.
And to live a meaningful life,
and a life of no regrets.

I am staring at death (4) ..................

Saturday, September 27th 2008.

Finally, I received the lab result from the second lab. The conclusion is, the cancer has not spread to the liver yet. Discussed with the surgeon on possible surgical options. The good doctor also recommended a surgeon at Asunta Hospital. My wife, daughter, and sister met up with the doctor at Asunta hospital to find out more information on the surgical procedure and oncological options. I have also made an appointment with surgeon on coming Tuesday to have further discussions and check-ups.

At the moment, I started an alternative medicine treatment regime of 19 days consisting of heavy vitamin supplements, no meat diet, no hand phone, no computer, and no TV. So, mostly likely, I will not be able to update this blog for the next 19 days of so.

Hopefully, at the end of 19 days, the alternative treatment gives good result, otherwise, I will have to seriously consider the surgical option. Whatever it is, I will be rational about my decision, and take whatever development positively, one at a time.

Until then, do pray for me..........

I am staring at death (3) ..................

Wednesday, September 24th 2008.

I went for the appointment to see the doctor this morning. I was informed by the doctor that the pathological report is not ready yet because the sample collected from the liver has to be sent to another laboratory for second confirmation. The good news is, according to the doctor, the first lab indicated that the sample might not be cancerous. So, the cancer has not spread to the liver yet. However, the doctor advised me to wait for the result from the second laboratory.

I will have to go back to the hospital again tomorrow where the doctor can advise me the next course of action based on the pathological report. So, another anxious day ahead.

According to the Surgeon, if the pathological report came up negative, the best course of action is to go for surgical procedure to remove the tumor. The only problem is, based on the observation from the previous laproscope, the tumor sit on the main blood vessel, it might be difficult to remove the tumor. According to the doctor, there is only a 50: 50 chance of success. Honestly, I think it is not worth the while to take the risk of surgical procedure when the success rate is merely 50%. Moreover, the surgical procedure is a complicated one involving 8 to 10 hours of operations, and probably going to cost about RM 40K. When the doctor is not confident of the success rate, why should I take the risk ?

Tomorrow.... and today is going to be another logest day..............................

I am staring at death (2) ..................

Tuesday, September 23rd 2008.

Over the previous few days, I received tremendous support from friends in the form of words of encouragement, prayers, recommendations, visits, etc. The out pouring of support was something that I under-estimated. There was indeed hope in humanity. To all my friends, I am deeply appreciative of the moral support.

I have also come to terms with my health and eventuality. Whatever it is, I just need to be brave, and be positive in handling setbacks. One thing for sure, I will not let everybody down, especially my family members, I will fight like a tiger.

I am now on a strict diet recommended by the Dietitian. The objective is to arrest my declining weight, increase the weight, and to built up my body to prepare for eventual medical treatment.

Yesterday, I went to an independent laboratory to have a full blood test with cancer markers. In about 30 days time, I will go back to the same laboratory to have another blood test. The objective is to measure my “performance” on monthly basis. The positive things from the blood test is, my cancer marker reading went down. My weight lost miraculously stopped, and I actually gained 0.3kg over the previous 5 days.

Tomorrow will be another emotional day for me where I will know whether the cancer has spread to the liver. I guess, whether it is going to be good news or otherwise, I will be able to take it from there.

At the moment, I am still soliciting second opinions and evaluating what best possible medical options I can adopt to tackle this medical problems. Hopefully, by next week, I should be able to adopt a medical option and strategy as my next course of action to win this battle against cancer.

For the time being, I do hope the Almighty up there listen to my prayers............ Will I win this battle ? Times will tell................................. In the mean time, do pray for me.........

Om Namo Amithaba Buddha.

I am staring at death........

My maker, The Almighty, in his most unkind act, gave me the death sentence this week. Is the Almighty up there all knowing, all loving, and all merciful ? Why is this unkind act bestowed on me ? I trembled at his forceful announcement, I was lost for words, and my whole world went into unimaginable blankness of total despair. Cancer is a disease that I most feared, and yet it does not discriminate me !

It is indeed scary to know that, I am dying...................

How many more breaths I am away from that finality of life ? The question is, is there an eternity at the end of it all ? Or was it Hell shall by my final resting place ? I know, after all, we are all sinner, and the wages of sin is death. In this regard, I submit to this all loving Almighty's punishment. But in the mean time, I shall do all that is medically possible to convince this Almighty being to commune my death sentence to life sentence. In all frankness, death is scary and I am afraid of death.

I am not yet ready to enter the so called eternal life to be with the Almighty. Please, there are still so many earthly pleasures I have yet to explore, and I am not ready yet to be set free from this sinful earth. I pray to him to let me be me, and let me pace this journey of life in what it should have been.

I am comforted by the fact that, when I informed my family about my medical condition, all my family members and friends rally to support me. I know, I am not fighting this battle alone. For better or for worst, I will pursue all medical options to give my best fight to overcome this dreadful disease. I will and determined to fight this disease with all my emotional, physical, and financial resources.

Will I win this battle ? Times will tell................................. In the mean time, do pray for me.........

Om Namo Amithaba Buddha.