笑看風雨

I had not been to office for quite sometimes, but last month, I received an anonymous email giving details of a personnel conducting moon lighting business in the office, I verified the information, and found the allegation to be true. Surprisingly, I was not angry at all. I had been bothered by the high overheads in the office and was trying to find a humane way to cut down head counts, the incident gave me the needed ammunition to persuade the involved personnel to resign voluntarily. Before the personnel resign, he informed me that he is not alone, but was assisted by another staff to siphon business away from the company. I am indeed amazed by human characters, in good times, they called themselves brothers, but when cornered, they are wiling to sacrifice each other. And, that gave me another legitimate inspirations to further reduce the head count in the office. But don't get me wrong, I did not fire the second personnel ! All I did is, go to the office, ask the staff this question. “You know, actually I am very sad that when I am away on medical leave, there is a personnel taking opportunity to sabotage the company. Suppose you were me, what will you do when a staff are abusing company facilities and times to siphon business away from the company ?” He took the clue, and resign the following week. Sometimes, the Almighty does work in a miraculous way ! Well, I got rid of two dishonest personnel easily and at the same times achieve my objective of trimming down the costs of operations.

Honestly, I had lost all interests in the business since I was diagnosed with my present illness. I had been involved in this business for more than 15 years, and now, I had lost the enthusiasms of running and maintaining it. In the process of maintaining the business, a big part of my youth has gone. Looking back, there are always some happy moments, and there are also challenging moments. I can still vividly remember some of this wonderful moments, but, there are also some not so happy moments I choose to forget. I count my blessing that, the business allow me the opportunities to acquire some basic luxuries of life, putting my children through the college, and the acquisition of some real assets for raining days. Of course, the business also accord me the wisdom of understanding the various extremities of human natures. I honestly believed I overstayed my welcome in the industry, and would be glad to hand over ownership of the company to anybody who is willing to take over the responsibility from me. Whatever it is, as much as I want to dissociate myself from this responsibilities, I will never force my will unnecessarily onto others, I will take it easy and let nature take it course.

I had different perspective in life now. In the past, I worked hard to defend my livelihoods and desired to earn unlimited incomes for more secured and future financial comforts. But since I was diagnosed with this chronic illness, I questioned my priority in life, and realized my purpose in life is not about satisfying my material desires and securing future financial security. My purpose is to live life meaningfully and cherish every moment of it. I take inspiration from the Lord's prayer which states that “Give us this day or daily bread...” and “forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sins against us...” The Almighty will provide sufficient daily provisions to us. That is the Almighty's promise, and his words will not be returned to him void ! Why then are we still so preoccupied in wanting to make tomorrow's incomes today, and in the process made our lives miserables and corrupted ? I had also learned to eliminate negative emotional burden by letting go of hatreds and the unproductive desires of seeking revenge against those who betrayed me. I will be a hypocrite if I refused to forgive those who sin against me but expecting the Almighty to forgive my sin. The change in expectation and perspective of life has actually made me a man contented with his surrounding. I just want to live my remaining days of life in peace and joy. I believed, the Almighty will be graceful enough to grant me this desires.

I do wish I have the wisdom to inspire others to live an ethical life and the courage to live through life's difficult patches. But as an insignificant soul, it is not up to me to alter the course of my destiny. I believed, the Almighty shall lead and reveal to me my purpose incrementally as I walk this passage of life. Looking back, this passage of life has been a colorful journey of passions, colors, and spices of life, would you be able to keep all those spices of life in a special corner of your heart, and cherish the memories forever ? I looked at life this way, even in a state of motionless, life in itself is a journey in perpetual motion of time and space. Looking back, this journey leaves behind behind a trail of good times and bad times, As we move forward, those good times and bad times became memories, remained a thing of the past, and slowly fading away into insignificant.

Life in itself is a many splendor things. Let us live for the day and not unduly burdened with the uncertainty of tomorrow. Whatever that is going to happen, it will happen for a purpose. Don't waste your time repeatedly asking “Why me ?” or “Why US ?” Let us accept whatever that has been unfolded with a sense of serenity as part and parcel of our life's passage, so that, in tomorrow, we can look back to today as memories. While our mental capacity is still capable, let us count our blessing that we are still able to cherish those memories from the past.

Like it or not, I am almost half a century old, how long can I go on in this illusory world of materialisms ? I need a new perspective and a renewed spiritual commitment in search of a new paradise in my deluded mind....... Oh mighty Lord, will you help me to find me ? Let me not dream that impossible dream. I look at life differently now, I am the best at being worst, and let me be.

Well, I can go on with all these incoherent rantings........ but I need to take my medication NOW !!! Sayonara....

Breathing your way to Good Health

As a cancer patient, I was recommended by the doctor to take up Qi Qong to complement my existing treatment regime. According to the good doctor, Qi Qong can enhance the oxygen intakes into the body to improve blood circulation to fight cancer and therefore improve my chances of recovery. I search through the net to look for a Qi Qong centre in Subang Jaya / USJ, and found the Chi Dynamics website.

Chi Dynamics is founded by Grandmaster Anthony Wee, and currently has centers in Australia, Singapore, Indonesia, United Kingdom, Thailand, and Malaysia. Chi Dynamics is a non political, non religious, and a non profit organization that promotes community health. In Subang Jaya and USJ area, there are three centers for Chi Dynamics. These centres are run by dedicated volunteers. The three centers are :

1. Goodyear Court 9, USJ Subang Perdana
2. Open Field near Keranji Apartment SS19/3
3. Lick Hung (C) Primary School. Jln. SS19/6

Do you know, breathing is an art ? I learned that, a normal breathing is not sufficient to pump in enough oxygen to nourish the body. At Chi Dynamics, they taught me 5 methods of Qi Breathings - Fu, Chui, Tu, Pi, Xi. These Block Breathings coupled with the developed exercise movements also enhance the general health of the 5 body internal organs ( Lungs, Heart, Liver and Spleen, Intestines/colons, Kidneys ). Another emphasis of Chi Dynamics is the destressing and detoxification exercises such as simulation of lymphatic drainage and lymphatic stretch. In addition, at Chi Dynamics, they also teach you how to tap the energy of the earth and Sun to activate the Qi within your body to stimulate the internal organs and promote general wellness.

For further information on training schedule and accessibility, you can contact Puan Khadijah HP: 019-3278092 or Mr. Eric Thean HP: 012-2633484. Or alternatively, you can send an email to me, I will try my best to acquire and forward to you whatever information that is available.

All the instructors at the centers are volunteers. To participate in the Chi Dynamics' exercise, you need to join the association as a member first with a small prescribed annual subscription fee or life membership fee. As a cancer patient, they waived my subscription fee.

My encounters with Chi Dynamics is still at the beginner's stage, and I had been participating in the group exercise every Saturday for slightly more than 2 months now. I was taught on the techniques of “Block Breathing” and “Qi Meditation”, I thoroughly enjoy these gracious exercise, and benefited from it in the form of mental alertness, reduced pains ( probably the Block Breathing techniques triggered the released of endorphins to counter the pains), and general confident in regaining my health. My objective in participating in Chi Dynamics is, hopefully, by gaining more knowledge in diaphramatic breathing and Qi Meditation, I can gain control over my physical and emotional states to activate self healing and self empowerment mechanism within me to counter cancer cells, enhancing my endocrine system, reducing body acidity by reducing stress, and to enhanced my overall immune system.


Although I am only involved in Chi Dynamics for slightly more than 2 months, but I felt very positive about its potential health benefits. I believed, Chi Dynamics can complement my existing treatment regime to help me to fight cancer by empowering me to achieve healthy mind and healthy body to trigger spontaneous self healing. For those of you who felt generally stressed, weaked, or in need of some regular exercise to enhance the general well being of mind and body, why not give Chi Dynamics a try ?

Now, here are some latest information from Chi Dynamics :

In conjuction with the opening ceremony of Chi Dynamics' main training centre, Grandmaster Anthony Wee will be conducting the following activities for the benefit of members and the public. Venue : 5-7-5 Block D5, Pusat Perdagangan Dana 1, Jalan PJU 1A/46, PJU1A, Petaling Jaya.

(1) ACU-CUPPING ( for Members and public)
Friday 1st May 2009 10:00AM – 12:00noon and 2:00OM – 4:30PM
Saturday 2nd May 2009 10:00AM – 12:00noon
Fees by donation only

(2) “Activate The Healer Within” ( for members only)
Saturday 2nd May 2009 02:00PM – 04:30PM
Fees RM 50

(3) “Cancer Care Workshop”
For cancer patients, care giers, pubic, and members. Limited to 30 participants only
Sunday 3rd May 2009 02:00PM to 05:00PM
Fees by donation only

Round 9 : Staying Alive....

Yesterday, I applied for homestay from the hospital. This morning, I went back to the hospital again to discharge my self from the ward. Well, today marks the end of seven rounds of chemotherapy. Earlier in the week, I consulted the Oncologist who agreed with me to put aside the intravenous dripping of chemotherapy and just focus with the daily oral chemo drug. So, tomorrow marks the beginning of a new round of my fight against cancer. Well, after seven rounds of dreadful chemotherapy, I am still walking tall and in high spirit. I thank the Almighty for anointing me with the strength to fight on and shielded me from fears and anxieties.

Although the test conducted earlier in the week show a very positive result of improvement, but I need to work out a new strategy to fight even harder to counter those remnant cancer cells within me. So, what is my new strategy ?

For the next 30 days or so, I will work towards a “meatless diet” of vegetables and fruits, and at the same time carry on with Tarceva as my main daily drugs. On the physical aspects, I will still carry on with my daily morning walks, and hopefully have the stamina to practice Qiqong on daily basis. On spiritual level, the Almighty is my healer, I will pray more often to the Almighty, and read the scripture on daily basis, the words shall be my medicines. The Almighty is a merciful God, I know, he will answer my prayer and heal me in the event modern medicine does not provide the desired result. For I have the faith to claim that "The things which are impossible with men are possible with God." (Luke 18:27) and "But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing." (Psalm 34:10)

I had also enrolled myself to attend a 5 days health farm in Malacca. Hopefully, the combinations of these efforts can further achieve better remission results.

Looking back, it has been an expensive affair to receive all these cancer treatments. I am indeed very lucky to be blessed with the ability to meet this aspect of the financial obligations. The costs of treatments during the past seven months is around RM 100K. For example, a round of chemotherapy costs approximately RM 5K, and a 30 days supply of Tarceva costs approximately RM 8K. Sometimes, I do wonder how can all those poor cancer patients afford these expensive treatments ? I do hope the Health Ministry can do something to make treatments for chronic illness to be more readily accessible and affordable. If the government can spend billions of dollars buying weapon of destructions such as submarines, war plane, guns, bullets, etc., why can't these money be used to subsidize the costs of medicines ? There must be a way for the government to communicate to all those pharmaceutical companies to forgo a portion of their research and development costs to make the drugs affordable as part of their social obligations. I sincerely hope that all those pharmaceutical companies can have a heart to be compassionate to all those poor cancer patients.

Whatever it is, I realized, the past seven months or so has been an amazing journey of enlightenment for me, come what may, I shall keep my faith and fight a good fight to win this battle against cancer. I know, I will, and I shall overcome. Anyway, I got nothing to loose – If I win this battle against cancer, I shall be a walking testimony to glorify Almighty's greatness and goodness, and if I loose, the beautiful Kingdom of Almighty awaits me.

Praise the lord............

Round 8 : I smell victories..........

Today, my wife and my goddaughter accompanied me to the hospital again to do my assessment test and to consult my oncologist on the next course of action. In addition to the unwavering support of my wife during my many trips to the hospital to receive my treatments and tests, my goddaughter has also been faithfully rendering her moral support to me in my times of health crisis. She took times off from her work schedule not only to see to it that I get proper medical attention, but also to provide support to my wife and assist her in providing care to me. The Almighty has been indeed very kind to me by blessing me with these two angels into my life. Well, I know, my princess, Jacy has been my good girl. And, I am proud of her !

As usual, I started my trip to the hospital from Subang Jaya at 7:00AM in the morning and arrive at the hospital laboratory around 8:00AM, had a quick breakfast at the hospital canteen, then report to the lab for blood test at 8:30AM.

It took me another 2 hours wait for the test result to be verified and released. Restlessly, I waited for the lab report. The whole waiting process was like those days, where after my Form Five examination, I waited anxiously and nervously for my MCE (SPM) results to be announced. On one hand, I was very confident of the outcome, but on the other hand, I was also worried about the possibilities of failure in the previous treatment regime. But overall, I know, as mentioned in the scripture, the Almighty did not gave me the spirit of fear, but the power of hope, and of love, and of a logical mind. Well, I was kind of getting used to, and adapted well to uncertainties and fears of the unknowns. The whole waiting period of 2 hours or so was still bearable and emotionally manageable.

Finally, the lab report printed by the dot matrix printer was released to me for my onward consultation with the Oncologist. The Oncologist has indicated to me that, he is happy with the result because my cancer marker dropped approximately 20 percent, and physical examination also indicate that the tumor has regressed. Overall, the cancer marker over the last few test showed downward trend. I hope the marker will continue to go down south to its normal range soon.

The Oncologist also recommend me to go for another round of chemotherapy combined with oral intake of Tarceva for another 30 days. I objected to the recommendation of another round of chemotherapy, because, I am getting very weary and tired of subjecting myself to more rounds of slow dripping of Chemo drugs into my body which usually last more than 2 hours of agonizing intravenous feeding. I am already getting very intolerance to all the side effects of chemotherapy. I know, my body need a rest and I don't think I can take another round of chemotherapy without jeopardizing my liver and kidney functions. So, the Oncologist agreed to put aside Chemotherapy for the time being but to carry on with another round of 30 days Tarceva treatment regime. After that, another test will be conducted again, and the Oncologist will decide my next treatment strategy.

It has been an emotional drenching roller coaster ride for me over the past few months. But I believed, the Almighty has a purpose for me to walk this difficult path. I am thankful that during my times of uncertainty and anxieties, the Almighty has also send so many prayer warriors to me to enlighten me with this miraculous way, and to lessen the burdens that are trapped within me. He made a hardened man like me to bend my knees and crawling to his feet to shed tears of joys knowing that eventually I will be healed through his amazing grace for he had said "And I will take sickness away from the midst of you" (Exodus 23:25)

Well, here I go again. Another 30 days of treatment regime. Hopefully, I can achieve even better remission in my next test. Until then, I guess I need to stay positive and be happy as part of my faith that I will be healed soon, because "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22).

Praise the Lord.....

Blowing in the winds....

Yesterday, I learned that an old friend was diagnosed with cancer in the uterus, she checked into the hospital today, and will be operated on tomorrow. Today, I also learned that a member of my cell group was admitted to hospital for a condition know as lymphatic gland infection that slurred his speech and facial numbness. As for me, as usual, I still have to go through my daily pain and discomforts and still undergoing chemotherapy. I will be going for another test at the hospital to assess my treatment progress next weeks. My good gracious God, so much negative news over the past few days, it does make me wonder how precarious our lives are. I don't know about others' perception of life, but I do have my ups and downs dealing with all these negative aspect of life. Sometimes, I was so consumed by all these fears, anxieties, and uncertainties that my mind just wonder aimlessly into a dark tunnel fearful that the light at the extreme end of the tunnel could be an oncoming train.

Should I feel sad today ? Should I just embrace whatever that happened as part and parcel of life ? I honestly do not know, and do not wish to indulge with this emotionality anymore. It has been a difficult period for me living dangerously trying my level best stretching my logical mind to comprehend what I went through, and anticipate what awaits me. Come what may, if that is my destined path, I will just have to put my best foot forward to traverse this so called journey of life.

I guess, being inflicted with health crisis maketh me a different man nowadays. I tend to lapsed into mental delusion unnecessary, hiding in my own mental asylum trying to figure out the purpose of my being. Or am I indulging in mental masturbation trying to achieve the elusive once in a life time orgasm of being enlightened and of conquering fears ? I know, sometimes life is unfair and full of perverted sadisms. I had my fair share of emotional roller coasting rides dealing with my fears and uncertainties of my cancer treatments, but at times, I do wonder whether I am experiencing the worst moment of my life, or am I enjoying the best of having the privilege of experiencing the extremities of emotions.

Sometimes, my eyes get teary as I read through my old journal entries. I know, it is definitely not smoke got caught in my eyes, because I quit smoking long time ago. It is definitely some chemical or hormonal reactions within me. Am I unknowingly allow myself to become a sentimental old fool ? Or am I losing control over my sanity ?

Sometimes, I wish I can have the rights words to describe precisely how I felt about my current state of being. There are times I woke up in the morning surprising cheerful for knowing that I am still alive, and there are also times I felt emotionally incapacitated to handle the uncertainties of the future. Sometimes, you just wish you can just tell out how you feel as it is to relief the burden of all those emotions that are trapped within you. The point I am trying to put across is, there are always times you felt a need to be understood, but can't find the right descriptives to make yourself understood.

I have learned, sometimes, to be happy, it is not necessary for me to possess the best of everything, but I just need to adapt to make the most out of everything that come along. Whatever it is, I would like to acknowledge the grace of the Almighty that, I once was blessed with so many good things of life, and along the way, I know, without regret, I made my best efforts to adapt. There are always things in life that are never meant to be, and what I tried but possessed not, it is best to let go and let them be. The best thing for me to do now is, to stay happy and be thankful that this breath I take at this very moment is not my last !

That Life ?