Of treatments and spirituality.........

The previous two weeks or so, I had been affected by severe pains, discomforts, occasional constipations, and my appetite for foods was also affected. To make thing worst, too many spiritual advises also made me emotionally disturbed where I unnecessary lapsed into fear of the unknowns. I realized, when you lived in fear, you live life no longer, and there is no dignity to live a life of fear.

I made a decision not to attend church meetings, cut down visits from visitors, or any meeting that potentially can lasts more than half an hour, because it is very uncomfortable physically to sit through any meeting. My strategy is to have a quiet environment where I can have peace of mind, undisturbed, to contemplate my next course of actions. In the past, I used to received friends who are over jealous with their religious belief, advising me to surrender my faith to God, and the do's and don'ts. I am not disillusion with the power of the Almighty. But I do not think, one can just shout prayers after prayers, and irresponsibly leave our destiny to the Almighty to determine. I am responsible for my body, it is up to me to seek the best medical care to cure my illness.

To fight cancer, there are three fronts I need to explore – Body, Mind, and Spirit. I need to keep my body strong by ensuring my body is nourished with rights foods and exercises. I also need to consult medical experts on the medications and treatment strategies. With regards to Mind, I need to keep my mind free of negative thoughts, stay positive, and instill a will to overcome difficulties. Most important of all, I need to stay calm, not unduly anxious to confront events that unfold around me, just be a passive observer, and let thing happened and let them be. On the spiritual front, I acknowledge the power of the Almighty, having faith in the Almighty will definitely sooth my disturbed mind, but I also believe that the Almighty will only help those who help themselves. I will do all that are within my capabilities to seek treatments, and have a clear mind to make logical decisions. At the end of the day, if the Almighty wants to forsake me, then so be it, it is HIS prerogative. The important thing is, when all options are exhausted, I am accountable to myself, and I know, I have fought a good fight to regain my health, and I lived a life of dignity.

Times and again, I had friends who indirectly hinted to me that, the reason I am not healed yet is because my faith in the Almighty is not strong enough, where I need to surrender my self to the Almighty and forget about medical treatment. Well, it is not end of the road yet, people can make any conclusions they want, but it is my life. My faith in the Almighty is a personal relationship. The God within me is more powerful than the Gods fantasized by all those hypocrites. My illness is a consequent of my weakened immune system and my previous lifestyle, it has nothing to do with the Almighty. I had put myself in this messy medical situation, it is now up to me to resolve these issues logically. If I rely on the mercy of the Almighty and ignore the treatment options, at the end of the day, if I am not healed, can I blame the Almighty for false hope and promises ?

Life is tought and full of obstacles, but come to think of it, without all those bitter experiences, would we able to taste the sweetness of life ? It is through the difficult patches of life that we gained wisdom to live a meaningful life of no regrets. I count my blessing that I have a wonderful family and good friends who supported me during these difficult period. I also count my blessing that I still have an alert and sound mind to make logical decision.

Praise the Lord....

Once upon a time....

No posting tonight, I am meditating... OMMMmmmmmmm......ZZZz........

We Wear the Mask

We Wear the Mask
By Paul Laurence Dunbar

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,--
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be overwise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

A wonderful playground....

In the past nine months or so, the experiences I went throught dealing with cancer has been an unbelievable endurance journey, a journey through my mind. I honestly do not know, how long this journey is going to last, but the unpredictability makes life challengingly more interesting. I did went through all sorts of ups and downs, more downs than ups. To sound a bit perverted, the experiences gained actually enriched me, made me wiser, and gave me certain semblance of wisdom.

In the process of seeking recovery of my health, I was also constantly being reminded by my well intended friends that, I should not rely on the doctors and modern medicines for cure, because ultimately healing comes from the Almighty. I have no problem seeking divine help for spiritual guidance to support my decisions. But to ignore treament from doctors and modern medicine is an illogical act of commiting harakiri. In this regards, I choose to ignore their advises because the words said that “Put not your trust in princes, nor in the son of man, in whom there is no help. His breath goeth forth, he returneth to his earth; in that very day his thoughts perish.” (Psalm 146:3-4) I will decide on my next course of actions based on consultations with the good doctors, and do what I felt is best for myself. I believed, the Almighty will reveal to me as and when he see fit at a time of his choosing.

Occasionally, I indulged in the negative thoughts of fears, anxieties, and uncertainty, but, I also snapped out of it to pump my adrenalin with positive actions such as staying physically strong to fight the illness, and seeking solace in spiritually to boast my confidence and my mental strengths. I believe, to be healed, I need to work closely with my doctors, have faith in my built-in ability to trigger spontaneous healing, and faith in the Almighty to guide me and give me wisdom to decide my next course of action.

I used to say that, the mind is a very dangerous playground. But I realized, this is a very negative statement. Anything that relates to negativities is not conducive to my health and overall well being. So, I should rephrase that statement as “the mind is a wonderful playground” ! I believed, the whole process of seeking recovery of my health is actually a mind game, in a virtual playground, where I dictate the direction, intensity, and motive of the games. In my case, I know my body better than the doctor, and I also know, my mind control the actions and responses of every cells in my body. Theoretically speaking, I know the terrain of the playground and the luxury to set the rules of the game in this virtual playground. Therefore, I should be able to fight and win against cancer if I put mind into it. Who knows, at the end of the game, I may even shout in jubilations and reminiscing the process, and pat my back that, it is a game well played and well won.

For the time being, I need to stay fit with regular exercise, eat healthily, stay logical, and be mindful of my state of mental well being. The game had begun, like it or not, it is a marathon game of endurace. Rather than complaining about the pains and discomforts, I might as well count my blessing that I was given this unique opportunity to fight for my life, and enjoy the process of gaining the experiences and wisdoms from the extremities of this playground. If I win, I know I will, and I shall win with honours and prides.

Looking forward again.....

I woke up this morning with the usual pain and discomfort. I just don't know, although I did have good sleep yesterday night, but I still feel very tired , restless, and moody. I did not even bother to pick up or enquire from the hospital the new blood test result. I acknowledge that, after all, the technicians at the hospital are only human, and humans do make mistakes once in a while. My health condition dictates that, I should not stress myself unnecessary for minor issues. It is best that I move forward with my treatment regime.

I was very reluctant, but at the insistence of my wife, I went to a private diagnostic lab this morning to have a new blood test again. The technician at the private lab had difficulty to obtain blood sample from my arm. First, they poked the needle into my right arm but was not successful to draw the blood into the syringe, then they discarded the needle. Another new needle was then used to jab into my left arm, after much difficulty, they managed to obtain the needed quantity of blood for the test. The technician claimed that it is quite difficult to locate the veins and my blood was too thick. I think, after all those intravenous drip of chemo drugs, anesthetics, and blood tests, I am beginning to develop some minor form of thrombosis. I am not having a phobia for needles, but am beginning to get very fed-up of having needle poking into my arm for all the unwelcome reasons.

Looking back and projecting forward, I became increasingly impatient and worry about my treatment progress. It is frustrating to endure all these pains and discomforts with no predictable end in sight. I was told, if the football team is not on a winning streak, then the team coach should be changed. Likewise, if I am not satisfy with my treatment progress, perhaps, I should seriously look into seeking treatment from another Oncologist. In addition, my wife was advised by her friends, and has been nagging me to change doctor. I know, their intentions are good, but it indirectly also created unnecessary pressure on me to make another major decision soon. It is indeed very stressful to be sicked ! I think I will just ignore all these well intended advises, and make my decision at a time of my own choosing.

With the preoccupation with the treatment protocols, the side effects, the pains, and discomforts, I asked myself, Am I living life no more ? I just want to have a quality existence and live life to the fullest. Where can I find peace and have peace of mind ? A friend of mind suggested that I seek abode at a Buddhist temple and practice meditation there. It is not such a bad idea at all. Maybe I should consider this option seriously.

Well, life is tough ! Perhaps tomorrow will be better........... Praise the Lord ?