Amazing Grace

I know, I have not been feeling well for many months now. Over the past few days, I had been reading my journal entries, and realized, these entries are full of negative emotions. On one hand, I had been portraying myself to others as a positive person and is confident of overcoming my health issues, but my inner negative thoughts and emotions are manifested glaringly in my journal entries. I had knowingly or unknowingly bare my soul, fear, and anxieties to others !

I must admit, cancer had in one way of another influenced my mind and perception of life. On one hand, I fought to be logical in dealing with arising issues related to my health care management, but on the other hand, I also unknowingly allowed fear and anxieties drifted me into temporary lunatical interactions with negative emotions. Come to think of it, I am, by nature, oxymoronic.

I had not been feeling well for the past two years or so, and was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 7 months ago. Since then, my mind and soul have gone through unbelievable roller coaster of mind over matter. By the grace of the Almighty, every time, when I felt that I am losing control over my mind dealing with fear and anxiety, I managed to snapped out from these dangerous mental playground to move on. I guess, despite having been ingrained with oxymoronic animal instinct, somehow, I am still a logical soul capable of rational reasonings.

I may not be in the best of health, but I am grateful to all my family members especially my wife and children for all their unconditional support and tolerance towards my occasional mood swings. I am also extremely grateful to my friends for the moral support showered on me. The Almighty is indeed graceful for blessing me with good family and good friends. One thing for sure, I will fight a good fight to recover my health and will do all that within my capability not to deprive my family members the hope of seeing me well again.

Whatever it is, I still have my pride. I will never allow myself to loose the battle against cancer without putting up a good fight. Physically, the illness may have dented my body, but emotionally, I am still what I am – I am still a man with a reputation of strong will and logical mind. I will do all that are necessary to defend myself against the evil darts of cancer.

Although, I had lost much of my appetite, but I am also thankful for all the special meals prepare for me. I treasured every words of encouragement from friends and family members, and these words shall be my armors to boost my fighting spirits against my ill health, because I know, even though I walk a lone path battling cancer, but I am not fighting this battle alone. At the end of the day, I do hope, I repay the good deeds of my family members and friends by enjoying greater degree of peace and recovered good health. Even if I loose this battle, my legacy will motivate others that I fought a good fight, and I am a good loser. And what is there for me to loose ? I know, the kingdom of the Almighty are always there to welcome me. Spiritually, I will always be a winner in the eyes of the Almighty.

In dealing with this dreaded cancer, I only have one option, that is, to win and emerged as a Survivor ! I know I will. In the mean time, please continue to pray for me and let's us sing this song together.......

Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
That sav'd a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears reliev'd;
How precious did that grace appear,
The hour I first believ'd!

Thro' many dangers, toils and snare,
I have already come;
'Tis grace has brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures;
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease;
I shall profess, within the vail,
A life of joy and peace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, who call'd me here below,
Will be for ever mine.

黑白老鼠

I received this in my mailbox today. Beautiful story ! Thank you Andy.........

有一個人在森林中漫遊的時候，突然遇見了一隻飢餓的老虎，老虎大吼一聲就撲了上來。他立刻用生平最大的力氣和最快的速度逃開，但是老虎緊追不捨， 他一直跑一直跑一直跑，最後被老虎逼入了斷崖邊上。 站在懸崖邊上，他想：「與其被老虎捉到，活活被咬、肢解，還不如跳入懸崖，說不定還有一線生機。」

他縱身跳入懸崖，非常幸運的卡在一棵樹上，那是長在斷崖邊的梅樹， 樹上結滿了梅子。

正在慶幸的時候， 他聽到斷崖深處傳來巨大的吼聲，往崖底望去，原來有一只兇猛的獅子正抬頭看著他，獅子的聲音使他心顫， 但轉念一想：「獅子與老虎是相同的猛獸，被甚麼吃掉，都是一樣的。」

當他一放下心， 又聽見了一陣聲音，仔細一看，一黑一白的兩隻老鼠，正用力地咬著梅樹的樹幹。 他先是一陣驚慌，立刻又放心了，他想：「被老鼠咬斷樹幹跌死，總比被獅子咬好。」

情緒平復下來後， 他感到肚子有點餓，看到梅子長得正好， 就採了一些吃起來。他覺得一輩子從沒吃過那麼好吃的梅子，找到一個三角形樹丫休息， 他想著：「既然遲早都要死，不如在死前好好睡上一覺吧！」

他在樹上沉沉的睡去了。 睡醒之後，他發現黑白老鼠不見了， 老虎、獅子也不見了。他順著樹枝， 小心翼翼的攀上懸崖， 終於脫離險境。

原來就在他睡著的時候， 飢餓的老虎按捺不住，終於大吼一聲， 跳下懸崖。 黑白老鼠聽到老虎的吼聲，驚慌逃走了。跳下懸崖的老虎與崖下的獅子展開激烈的打鬥，雙雙負傷逃走了。

由我們誕生那一刻開始，苦難．就像飢餓的老虎一直追趕著我們，死亡，就像一頭兇猛的獅子，一直在懸崖的盡頭等待，白天和黑夜的交替，就像黑白老鼠，不停地正用力咬著我們暫時棲身的生活之樹，總有一天我們會落入獅子的口中 。

既然知道了生命中最壞的情景是死亡，唯一的路，就是安然地享受樹上甜美的果子，然後安心地睡覺，只有存著這樣單純的心、少慾望、多一點赤子之心。

LOST……

Memories….
Those memories of yesteryears,
Careless, carefree, and thoughtless nostalgic days.
Reveling in joyous moments inspite of scarcity
With abundance energies of innocent childhood and youth,
where harsh words and bitter experience became my gained wisdom,
where impossibilities is my source of inspirations,
living a life full of aspirations and motivations,
to be what I aspired to be…..

The sands of time dripping away,
I endured and toiled along this extra ordinary journey.
Experiencing the bittersweet memories of wanting to be,
Suddenly, I realized,
I am already not what I used to be.
Can I still be what I aspired to be ?

What do I really want to be ?
The unkindness of life,
brought me pain and untold miseries of withered passions,
but also brought me joy and goodness of letting it be.
There may or may not be a one that caused to be,
O Almighty, had you forsaken me ?
Between wanting to be and letting it be,
Would I be able to dictate my own destiny,
And make life’s pursuit a pleasurable journey ?

Is this oceans of space,
A Nirvana or despaired solitude in a weary journey ?
Life is, but what I made it to be ?

The fear factors.......

There are times, my little demented mind drifted away into the unknown land of fear. Occasionally, I fear for the eventuality of my deteriorating health and its subsequent eventualities. The mind is such a dangerous playground that, sometimes, it is depressing to wondering around the virtual perimeter of this mental realm aimlessly, looking for answers to undefined problems. A famous scientist once said, “nothing in life is to be fear, but only to be understood” The reality is, fear is a consequent of uncertainty and unknown. When there is no knowledge of what is yet to come, what is there to be understood ? We fear death, but do we understand death ? Sometimes, when faced with uncertainties, I think I have the tendency of hiding under my own shadow and fear its darkness ! This logical mind, has it been contaminated with all those treatment protocols ?

Times and again, I was told, in order to win my battle against my illness, I must be positive and be brave to face whatever challenges ahead. But my dilemma is, how can I be brave when I have no knowledge of what is the safe distant ? I would like to look straight into the face of fear, but fear is faceless, and an undefined emotion in my deluded mind.

I do not claim to be able to understand my fear. But whatever it is, and it may, I will honestly admit my weaknesses and ignorance of the potential outcomes, face fear with a logical mind, and embrace whatever that come along as my fate or karma. By being logical in my struggle against fear, am I a brave man ? Or was it that I look brave because I have no other option to run away from the eventualities. Sometimes, I do pray to the Almighty to grant me the wisdom to plan my best action, the courage to decide, and the virtue to execute the planned action with grace.

How I wish fear is just a packet of powdered instant drink, where I can dissolve it into a glass of warm water, and drink it away to quench my thirst for enlightenment. On the positive side, I have come this far dealing and coping with my treatment regimes, what are there to be feared anymore ? I think I am worth more than many sparrows, the good Lord will protect and embrace me with his almighty grace.

“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. “ (2 Timothy 1:70

There are cat & kittens in my garden...

My garden has been a fertile ground for all those irresponsible pet lovers' pets. On few occasions, I even have rabbits giving births to small babies in my garden. This morning, while inspecting my backyard, I noticed a cat with three little kittens in the small garden at the back of my house. With my digital camera, I took a photograph of the cat. I tried to approach closer to take pictures of the kittens, but the mother instinct of the cat was domineering, she was defensively aggressive and let out menacing noises to discourage me from going nearer to her kittens.

Worrying about the well being of the cats and kittens, I let them be, and instruct my domestic helper to prepare foods for the cat until such time they are ready to leave.

Sometimes, I do wonder whether all these so called pet lovers are a bunch of irresponsible idiots. They want to own pets, but yet are irresponsible to care for them sufficiently. As a result, the neighborhood are infested with lots of stray cats roaming around the back alley of the residential houses. Cats are becoming a nuisances in my residential area. Their owners don't feed and care for them properly, resulting in all these poor cats roaming around scavenging for foods and littering the areas with their smelly habits. But at the same time, the local town council are so preoccupied with harassing dog owners with all sorts of stupid requirements even though the neighborhood do not have problems with dogs. I do hope the local town council do something positive to educate all those cat owners to be a bit more responsible to tend to their cats rather than barking at the wrong tree to harass the dog owners simply because some idiots have prejudices against dogs. The local town council must come out with stronger law on cat ownership!

I have enough of cats scratching the paintwork of my cars, dropping smelly deposits onto my garden, tearing up garbage bags to scavenge for foods, stalk the birds and squirrels in my garden, etc. Don't get me wrong, I am not a cat hater, but I do have problem trying to comprehend the idiotic mentalities of all those cat owners who seemed to think that it is their God damned birth rights to be insensitive to non cat owners. Sometimes, I do wonder about the mentalities of all those irresponsible cat owners. In their eagerness to discard their cats in the neighborhood, they should at least have some basic decency and culture to care for their cats and not to allow them to become nuisance in their neighborhood.

May all cats go to heaven..........