A day at Hospis Malaysia's Daycare Centre

For the previous few weeks, I spend a day a week at Hospis Malaysia's daycare centre to share experiences and to learn from others how they cope with the management of their chronic illnesses. Today I am too tired and too lazy to write. A picture speaks a thousand words, so I will let the following photographs do the talking......... :

" Free Hair Cut "

"Group Guided Exercises"

"Free Nutritious meals"

"Free hair Cut"

"Guided Exercises"

"Guided Exercises"

"Warm Water Foot Bath"

"Foot Massage"

"Bingo & Games"

Another decisive battle ahead.........

I have been troubled by pains and discomfort at the abdominal and back areas for the past few days. At times, even doubling the dosages of pain killer doesn't help to alleviate the discomforts. At least, at this juncture of my journey, I am being reminded that, the road ahead is not going to be a smooth ride. I had not been on medications since I last completed my 3D conformal radio therapy in June 2009 with the exception of intake of Traditional Chinese Medicine over the previous three weeks to improve my overall immune system. Although, the past treatment protocols of chemotherapy and radiotherapy during the previous 12 months has managed to maintained and control the tumor, but the recent pains made me a bit worry that the cancer activities within me may turn active again and metastasized.

I realized, in fighting cancer, I am not on this journey to remain status quo. Fight, I must ! But I must also find new route to make my journey unpredictable and surprise the nasty cancer cells. I had been evaluating the option of seeking new treatment protocols from Fuda Cancer Hospital in Guangzhou, China over the past one week.

The type of treatments suggested by the hospital are :

• If operable, using Cryosurgery to freeze the tumor directly.
• Iodine seeds implantation to conduct local radiation inside the tumor.
• Local chemo using a tube to look for the artery, to inject chemo drug directly into the tumor.
  
• Immunotherapy to prevent metastasis and recurrence, slowing the growth of cancer, improving general health, and boosting the immune system after the effects of chemo therapy.

I am at this juncture of my precarious existence where I have to make a decision on my next course of action. Putting aside fears and emotionalities, I know, I need to have rationality and clarity of thoughts to take some calculated risks in my attempt to seek recovery of my health. Today, I have decided to pursue the option of seeking treatments in Fuda Cancer Hospital.

I booked my tickets and scheduled to fly to Guangzhou middle of next week, as well as a return ticket on the first week of January 2010. I will probably have to spend 30 days in the hospital. I know, this is not a holiday trip, this is a journey to seek recovery of health, and I do have my fears and anxieties over the medical procedures. For the time being, I will leave my emotionalities as it is. Over the next few days, I will have to organize some logistics to ensure my trip to Guangzhou does not encountered any hindrances. Honestly, I do felt like a helpless soldier, pondering his fate, while waiting to be transported to a war torn area to fight for a cause that he does not wished to be associated with. But like it or not, I must walk through this valley of fears, and show leadership to my children and family members that, when the going gets tough, the tough must gets going to overcome life's adversaries.

The hospital has estimated the medical costs to be around RM 60,000. It will probably costs me another RM 15,000 for 30 days of lodgings, foods, and traveling expenses. For the time being, I will used my overdraft facilities to finance this treatments. When I complete the treatments in January 2010, I hope I will be able to complete my second book “Living With Cancer”, where the proceeds from sales of the book would be able to recoup some of these medical expenses.

This is such a horrible journey to go through, I honestly felt so lonely and helpless. But I do look forward to be “cured” and come back as a healthy person. So, pray for me and wish me luck !!!!

The roads ahead......

My sleep was interrupted at around 3 o'clock in the morning. The sudden and sharp tearing pains woke me up ! It can not be, because I took my pain killer before I went to bed, and the pain killer is supposed to last for 12 hours. In order not to make thing any more difficult for myself, I took another tablet of pain killer and waited for the soothing effect to sink it. I finally went back to sleep again at around 5 o'clock in the morning. Finally, I have a few hours of good sleep and woke up at around 9:00AM. But the pains came back again.

I did not get up from the wrong side of the bed this morning. But I woke up this morning with extremely foul mood and unbearable pains. I told myself, I must control my emotions in order not to make thing difficult for people surrounding me. I tried to bear with the discomforts associated with the pains, and finally, I guess the best strategy to counter this discomfort is to pop in another pain killer. But somehow, today seemed to be an odd day out. The pain pain killer doesn't seemed to work effectively. Well, I guess I will have to bear with it for the time being. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better for me.

I had been reading and trying to make a decision on whether to go for Cryosurgery with Argon Helium Knife and Iodine Seed Knife therapy. Well, the more I read, the more confused and indecisive I became. Well, I had been through so many type of treatment protocols during the past 12 months or so, and all these treatment have effectively control the cancer activities in my body, but the end result does not seemed to meet my expectation of elimination of the tumors and cancer cells. In a way, I feared the new treatment protocols may failed to meet my expectation again. I am so fed-up of living in daily pains and discomforts, and I really do not wish to see this negative aspects of life being prolong unnecessarily. Like it or not, I am at this juncture of my journey where I have to make another major treatment decision, and I do not have the luxury to procrastinate but to make quick decision. I pray that the Almighty can grace me with the wisdom to make the right decision again this time.

I was recommended to go through a combination of four types of treatment therapies :

• Cryosurgery with Argon Helium Knife
• Iodine Seed Knife Therapy
• Immunotherapy, and
• Vascular Interventional Therapy

These treatment protocols are not available in Malaysia. The hospital that has the facilities to perform this treatments is Fuda Cancer Hospital located in Guangzhou, China. I was advised by the hospital to stay there for a minimum of 30 days for the treatments to be performed. I know, this kind of treatments is going to be expensive, but I have faith that, when the time comes, the good Lord will make the necessary provisions.

Although, my present Oncologist does not recommend I go through these therapies, but honestly, beyond these new treatment protocols, I really do not have much options left. I am getting very fed-up with all the daily pains and discomforts. I can still cope with the pains and discomforts, but emotionally speaking, I am really not what I used to be, I am getting weaker and weaker to the point of giving up and breaking down. I do not want my family members to be burdened with my degrading state of emotional well being. And I really do not want to see the quality of my existence slowly degrading with each passing day.

I guess, there are really no other options but to commit myself to these new treatment protocols. Hopefully, after these treatments, my present Oncologist can take over from these treatment protocols and work out a maintenance strategy to improve and prolong the quality of my existence.

An annonymous person send me this song by Maria Carey – There is A Hero. I like this song, I think I will think of myself as a hero in this journey against cancer, and with the blessing of the Almighty, I shall emerge vitorious. Here goes the lyrics of the song :

Hero

There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid
Of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you
It's a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand
For you to hold
You can find love
If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt
Will disappear

Lord knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone
Tear them away
Hold on
There will be tomorrow
In time
You'll find the way

From the eyes of a deluded mind....

The past few days had been a mentally exhaustive exercise for me. I research through the Internet and read up a lot of materials on Cryosurgery to assess its relevant as another option in fighting cancer. Yesterday, I forwarded my CT scan images and medical report to the hospital for them to assess my condition on the suitability of cryotherapy as a treatment for me. The hospital should be able to revert to me on the duration of admission, treatments protocols, and the total costs involved by end of next week. At the moment, although, financially I am almost at the brink of disaster, but this is the least of my worry now, I know, when the time comes, the good Lord will provide. So, I am keeping my fingers crossed that it will be an affordable and curative exercise for me.

Looking back, this whole “journey” I gone through has been a real adventure of enlightenments. As much as I was negatively affected by the emotional and physical disturbances, but I also acquired new skills and beginning to appreciate the habitat I am in in a different way. I self taught myself in Chinese calligraphy to smooth my trouble minds, and I also took up photography as a hobby to practice patience.

Over the period of the past 12 months, I took more than a thousand photographs. I am still learning to sharpen my skills. The followings are some of the pictures which I had taken :

"At the airshow TUDM 2009"

"The Middle Finger Salute"

"Famous Taiping Cendul"

"Bukit Tinggi"

"Taiping Lake Gardens"

"The Twins"

"the Orchid"

"The Thinking Monkey"

"The Eagle"

"The Butterfle"

"The Trinity"

Garden Flower"

Moving on.............

Sometimes, I asked myself, what does it take to beat the nasty Cancer ? I had been on this journey of enlightenment for more than a years, spend substantial financial resources, emotional reservation, and physical endurances to fight these nasty mutant cells. Looking back and taking stock of current situation, I am still at where I started. The tumor is still at its originally diagnosed size, and the CA19.9 marker is still out of the normal range. I guess, I am still no where near the victory mark. The only encouraging sign is, the cancer has not metastasized, and I am still standing on my two feet plotting strategy in my attempt to defeat those unwelcome invaders. I guess, the answer I am seeking lies within me.......

It is a very frustrating period for me, and emotionally, at times, I am almost at breaking point. However, I told myself, I had gone thus far, surrendering now is not an option. I will keep fighting till my last “drop of blood”. I honestly do not know how long I can go living with this state of anxieties, fears, and uncertainties. The only thing I can do now is to have faith in the doctors and medical team that attended to my treatment regime.

I have been praying to the Almighty for miracles, but frankly, I do not think the Almighty is capable to heal me. Well, my fellow Christian brothers and sisters may accused me of having lack of faith in the Almighty, but the truth of the matter is, I got to believe in facts not fallacies. So far, this Almighty fella has shown no capability to heal, he failed. It is now up to me to mentally prepare myself to be physically and mentally fit to fight this battle on my own. I must continue to remain strong and positive in my ability to make informed decisions and to keep fighting against all odds. I pray that the Almighty will not let me lose hope in the sacredness of life.

So far all the treatment protocols did not produced the desired result. I am disappointed, but like it or not, I got to move on with life, and manage my expectations from here. To stay positive, I need to move out from this cocoon of trapping myself in fearing failed treatment protocols. I need to have faith in the medical team to keep my cancer at bay and become a survivor to lead a normal active life.

I know, the journey ahead is not going to be any more easier than I first started. I did not bargained to put myself into this precarious situation. Believe me, it is not easy living in fear of the unknowns, but the cruelty of life is such, sometimes, like it or not, when you are at the receiving end, you got to stay even stronger to get out from the mess. For better or for worst, I need to stay calm and rational about every decision I am going to make, and I need to summon all my courage to instill a semblance of bravery into me to journey on.

A the end of the day, I may win, or I may lose this battle along this treacherous journey, but I want to be put on record that, I fought a good fight, and I had made all possible attempts to complete this journey. So, place a yellow ribbon on your desk to cheer me on..........