A blessed life......

At the roof top of the hospital, pondering my next treatment options ?

It's been a while since I last wrote in my web log. I went to Guangzhou China on December 8 2009 and came back on January 4th 2010. I was at Guangzhou's Fuda Cancer Hospital to receive some very “innovative” treatment to counter my pancreatic cancer. Unfortunately, in China, access to my web log and Facebook was blocked by the Chinese authorities. Over the next

few days, if I am not too tired, I will share about my treatment experiences in my web log.

Over the previous one month or so, for the first time, I missed my son's birthday, Christmas, and New Year Eve celebration. Instead, I spend all these important occasions in a hospital room with my wife in a hospital in China. I hope, next year this time, I will still be around, and not to miss celebrating these important occasions with my family members.

I remembered, few days before Christmas, A second procedure of cryosurgery was conducted on me, because, a week before, the first cryosurgery was not successful in freezing the whole lump of tumors ( measuring around 5CM x 6CM x 8CM). As a result, a second cryosurgery was carried out together with the planting of Iodine seeds to induce internal radiation to knock off the cancer cells. After the procedures, I was warded into the intensive care unit for overnight observation. Strange thing happened to me, although throughout the night I was in pain resulting in 3 jabs of pain killers every 4 hours or so to eliminate the arising pain. But it was not the pain that cause me to have a near emotional breakdown. Tears just flow freely, for a moment that seem like an eternity, I just felt so lonely, so helpless, and so weaken. Flashbacks of memories over the previous 15 months reminded me how fragile life is, and so much pains I had endured. And I simply just can not bear it anymore, I just do not want to

go throuhg all this life's encumbrances all over again ! For a moment, I just want to give up and move on to the so call promised land of the Almighty. But, there are so many things I had yet to accomplish. I still want to have the opportunity to see my princess, Jacy, and my son, Ivan, find their soul mates and start a family of their own, and hopefully, the Almighty grant me with the opportunity to hold their children on my laps. I also want to be able to age gracefully with my wife to enjoy growing old together. Everything seemed so near, yet so far !

But no matter what, I pray to the Almighty to grant me the strengths to endure and overcome all these pains, discomforts, and challenges to move on with life.

There is an old Chinese proverb that says “路遥知马力，日久见人心", translated, it means, “ you will only knows the endurances of your horse over a long journey, and likewise, you will know the loving kindness of a person over a long period of time”. Over the course of the

previous one and a half year or so, looking back, I believed, I had been enlightened with the wisdom to appreciate all the good and kind people around me. Friends and family members who rallied around me to give me the moral and material support during my encounters with these challenging periods. Of course, that goes without saying that, there are also some random and isolated few souls who betrayed and abused me during my times of difficulties. Not wanting to sound philosophical, but I do sincerely and honestly wanting to thank all these deceiveful people, because, without them, I would never realize and appreciate the loving kindness of so many people around me, who genuinely cares and concern about my well being.

With regards to my wife, she had traversed this journey of life together with me for more than a quarter of a century, from the icy winter land of Canada to the lush green tropics of my beloved Malaysia. With her, I had seen to the best of times, and I had also seen to the worst of times. Good times or bad times, she is aways by my side, supporting and assisting every step I take. I had in her, a good wife and a good soul mate. She also helped me to nurture my son into a responsible and well behaved young man. Along the way, she also “adopted” two goddaughters for me. These two princesses are Almighty's another greatest gift to me, and together with my son, my two princesses, they are my bundle of prides and joys. What else can a man asked but be graceful for what he has been given ? I am indeed blessed with a beautiful family !

( My family - Photo taken during August 2009)

I knows, as much I want to be optimistic about the outcome of treatments, I must also accept the reality of failures. Therefore, to improve my odds against the dreaded probability, I MUST BE STRONG mentally, and progressively works toward the re-establishment of my physical health. I promised my wife, I will age gracefully and grow old together with her. I hope the Almighty grants me that strength and dignity to fulfill this promise.

For better or for worst, come what may, I am destined to this blessed journey of life..........

A day at Hospis Malaysia's Daycare Centre

For the previous few weeks, I spend a day a week at Hospis Malaysia's daycare centre to share experiences and to learn from others how they cope with the management of their chronic illnesses. Today I am too tired and too lazy to write. A picture speaks a thousand words, so I will let the following photographs do the talking......... :

" Free Hair Cut "

"Group Guided Exercises"

"Free Nutritious meals"

"Free hair Cut"

"Guided Exercises"

"Guided Exercises"

"Warm Water Foot Bath"

"Foot Massage"

"Bingo & Games"

Another decisive battle ahead.........

I have been troubled by pains and discomfort at the abdominal and back areas for the past few days. At times, even doubling the dosages of pain killer doesn't help to alleviate the discomforts. At least, at this juncture of my journey, I am being reminded that, the road ahead is not going to be a smooth ride. I had not been on medications since I last completed my 3D conformal radio therapy in June 2009 with the exception of intake of Traditional Chinese Medicine over the previous three weeks to improve my overall immune system. Although, the past treatment protocols of chemotherapy and radiotherapy during the previous 12 months has managed to maintained and control the tumor, but the recent pains made me a bit worry that the cancer activities within me may turn active again and metastasized.

I realized, in fighting cancer, I am not on this journey to remain status quo. Fight, I must ! But I must also find new route to make my journey unpredictable and surprise the nasty cancer cells. I had been evaluating the option of seeking new treatment protocols from Fuda Cancer Hospital in Guangzhou, China over the past one week.

The type of treatments suggested by the hospital are :

• If operable, using Cryosurgery to freeze the tumor directly.
• Iodine seeds implantation to conduct local radiation inside the tumor.
• Local chemo using a tube to look for the artery, to inject chemo drug directly into the tumor.
  
• Immunotherapy to prevent metastasis and recurrence, slowing the growth of cancer, improving general health, and boosting the immune system after the effects of chemo therapy.

I am at this juncture of my precarious existence where I have to make a decision on my next course of action. Putting aside fears and emotionalities, I know, I need to have rationality and clarity of thoughts to take some calculated risks in my attempt to seek recovery of my health. Today, I have decided to pursue the option of seeking treatments in Fuda Cancer Hospital.

I booked my tickets and scheduled to fly to Guangzhou middle of next week, as well as a return ticket on the first week of January 2010. I will probably have to spend 30 days in the hospital. I know, this is not a holiday trip, this is a journey to seek recovery of health, and I do have my fears and anxieties over the medical procedures. For the time being, I will leave my emotionalities as it is. Over the next few days, I will have to organize some logistics to ensure my trip to Guangzhou does not encountered any hindrances. Honestly, I do felt like a helpless soldier, pondering his fate, while waiting to be transported to a war torn area to fight for a cause that he does not wished to be associated with. But like it or not, I must walk through this valley of fears, and show leadership to my children and family members that, when the going gets tough, the tough must gets going to overcome life's adversaries.

The hospital has estimated the medical costs to be around RM 60,000. It will probably costs me another RM 15,000 for 30 days of lodgings, foods, and traveling expenses. For the time being, I will used my overdraft facilities to finance this treatments. When I complete the treatments in January 2010, I hope I will be able to complete my second book “Living With Cancer”, where the proceeds from sales of the book would be able to recoup some of these medical expenses.

This is such a horrible journey to go through, I honestly felt so lonely and helpless. But I do look forward to be “cured” and come back as a healthy person. So, pray for me and wish me luck !!!!

The roads ahead......

My sleep was interrupted at around 3 o'clock in the morning. The sudden and sharp tearing pains woke me up ! It can not be, because I took my pain killer before I went to bed, and the pain killer is supposed to last for 12 hours. In order not to make thing any more difficult for myself, I took another tablet of pain killer and waited for the soothing effect to sink it. I finally went back to sleep again at around 5 o'clock in the morning. Finally, I have a few hours of good sleep and woke up at around 9:00AM. But the pains came back again.

I did not get up from the wrong side of the bed this morning. But I woke up this morning with extremely foul mood and unbearable pains. I told myself, I must control my emotions in order not to make thing difficult for people surrounding me. I tried to bear with the discomforts associated with the pains, and finally, I guess the best strategy to counter this discomfort is to pop in another pain killer. But somehow, today seemed to be an odd day out. The pain pain killer doesn't seemed to work effectively. Well, I guess I will have to bear with it for the time being. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better for me.

I had been reading and trying to make a decision on whether to go for Cryosurgery with Argon Helium Knife and Iodine Seed Knife therapy. Well, the more I read, the more confused and indecisive I became. Well, I had been through so many type of treatment protocols during the past 12 months or so, and all these treatment have effectively control the cancer activities in my body, but the end result does not seemed to meet my expectation of elimination of the tumors and cancer cells. In a way, I feared the new treatment protocols may failed to meet my expectation again. I am so fed-up of living in daily pains and discomforts, and I really do not wish to see this negative aspects of life being prolong unnecessarily. Like it or not, I am at this juncture of my journey where I have to make another major treatment decision, and I do not have the luxury to procrastinate but to make quick decision. I pray that the Almighty can grace me with the wisdom to make the right decision again this time.

I was recommended to go through a combination of four types of treatment therapies :

• Cryosurgery with Argon Helium Knife
• Iodine Seed Knife Therapy
• Immunotherapy, and
• Vascular Interventional Therapy

These treatment protocols are not available in Malaysia. The hospital that has the facilities to perform this treatments is Fuda Cancer Hospital located in Guangzhou, China. I was advised by the hospital to stay there for a minimum of 30 days for the treatments to be performed. I know, this kind of treatments is going to be expensive, but I have faith that, when the time comes, the good Lord will make the necessary provisions.

Although, my present Oncologist does not recommend I go through these therapies, but honestly, beyond these new treatment protocols, I really do not have much options left. I am getting very fed-up with all the daily pains and discomforts. I can still cope with the pains and discomforts, but emotionally speaking, I am really not what I used to be, I am getting weaker and weaker to the point of giving up and breaking down. I do not want my family members to be burdened with my degrading state of emotional well being. And I really do not want to see the quality of my existence slowly degrading with each passing day.

I guess, there are really no other options but to commit myself to these new treatment protocols. Hopefully, after these treatments, my present Oncologist can take over from these treatment protocols and work out a maintenance strategy to improve and prolong the quality of my existence.

An annonymous person send me this song by Maria Carey – There is A Hero. I like this song, I think I will think of myself as a hero in this journey against cancer, and with the blessing of the Almighty, I shall emerge vitorious. Here goes the lyrics of the song :

Hero

There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid
Of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you
It's a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand
For you to hold
You can find love
If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt
Will disappear

Lord knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone
Tear them away
Hold on
There will be tomorrow
In time
You'll find the way

From the eyes of a deluded mind....

The past few days had been a mentally exhaustive exercise for me. I research through the Internet and read up a lot of materials on Cryosurgery to assess its relevant as another option in fighting cancer. Yesterday, I forwarded my CT scan images and medical report to the hospital for them to assess my condition on the suitability of cryotherapy as a treatment for me. The hospital should be able to revert to me on the duration of admission, treatments protocols, and the total costs involved by end of next week. At the moment, although, financially I am almost at the brink of disaster, but this is the least of my worry now, I know, when the time comes, the good Lord will provide. So, I am keeping my fingers crossed that it will be an affordable and curative exercise for me.

Looking back, this whole “journey” I gone through has been a real adventure of enlightenments. As much as I was negatively affected by the emotional and physical disturbances, but I also acquired new skills and beginning to appreciate the habitat I am in in a different way. I self taught myself in Chinese calligraphy to smooth my trouble minds, and I also took up photography as a hobby to practice patience.

Over the period of the past 12 months, I took more than a thousand photographs. I am still learning to sharpen my skills. The followings are some of the pictures which I had taken :

"At the airshow TUDM 2009"

"The Middle Finger Salute"

"Famous Taiping Cendul"

"Bukit Tinggi"

"Taiping Lake Gardens"

"The Twins"

"the Orchid"

"The Thinking Monkey"

"The Eagle"

"The Butterfle"

"The Trinity"

Garden Flower"