What a blessing to wake up alive in the morning ! The morning air is indeed refreshing.
For the past two weeks or so, I have been waking up at 5:30AM in the morning, and have approximately one hours of morning walk around the park to “sweat it out”. And at 7:00AM, have my first dosage of medications. The rest of the day are pretty much the same on hourly medications. The diet and medications have done me a lot of good. At least, I am now not overweight, my skin is now more radiant, and physically I am more healthier than before. I must now have more faith in myself and the treatment regime.
Emotionally speaking, I think I have had my fair share of ups and downs over the previous few weeks. There are just simply too much anxieties, worries, sense of helplessness, fear of death, and whatever negativities that came along. And occasionally, my mind just went blank and drifted into endless loops of recursions over nothings. The fear of unknowns and the lack of control are indeed new experiences for me.
All my whole life, I always have reasonable control in everything I want to do. But this tumor thingy is creating a lot of uncertainty on everything. I am also beginning to have growing uncomfortable abdominal and back pains. I don't really know whether the medication is really working as in “healing crisis” or the general situation is taking a turn at the wrong direction. The mind is indeed a dangerous playground. If you have too much idle time and let your mind wondering around, you may end-up worrying about a lot of unnecessary probabilities which are of no benefits. But that was pretty much my recent state of mind. I guess if you put your mind onto a collision course with the fear of death, you will eventually end up consumed by the that stupid fear and earned yourself a place in history as a coward. I am born a hero, if I have to go down, I will go down as hero of my choosing.
Whatever it is, I did not asked to be inflicted with this dreaded illness. I know, it is a common disease of modern lifestyles. I Just need to stay mentally strong by observing some basic lifestyle changes and have faith in the medications.
Frankly, I am not an overly emotional man, but, words, are difficult to describe my difficulties at times like this. But I also realized I had come a long way from overcoming many difficult situations before, perhaps, any other difficult situation that are going to come by would not be that difficult after all. I got to stay positive and fight this battle. I know, eventually, with proper management of mind, medications, and spirituality, I will win this battle. I simply can not let my family down.
I am after all, a rational being. Therefore, instead of letting my emotion stray wild on negativities, I better take control of myself to stay positive, and manage the situation as rational as possible. The Almighty has blessed me with great fighting spirits, this, my friends, shall be my greatest weapon to win.
C'est La Vie, you only live once, Carp Diem ! The rest, I leave it to the Almighty to dictate.
Om Namo Amithaba Buddha...................
