Round 6 : Five Down, One more to go...

It has been five months since I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer ! I am still inching on the slow road to recovery. A slow recovery process, but along the way, I had been enlighten with the experiences of dealing with uncertainty, fear, hope, etc. All these experiences have gave me added wisdom in dealing with the intricacies of life.

Yesterday, My wife and daughter accompanied me to Tung Shin Hospital again to receive my “regular” dosage of chemotherapy. As usual, prior to the chemotherapy, I went through the compulsory blood test to assess whether I am medically fit to proceed with the procedure. The blood test result was within the normal range, my blood pressure is at a healthy level of 130/80, my heart pulse is measured at 67/minute, the physical examination also indicated that there is “no hardening” of tumor at my tummy area.

The chemotherapy session started at 9:30AM and finished at about 1:00pm. This is my fifth chemo, and it took more that 3 and half hours to administer, longer than the usual session that took slightly less than 2 hours to complete. I guess, my body is beginning to reject the cocktails of drug that is being intravenously pumped into my system. Well, any way, I only have one more chemo to go. After which, the good doctor will put me on physical scan (may be PET, MRI, or CT scan) and cancer markers test to determined my progress before we made other adjustment to the treatment regime. Whatever it is, I will play by the ear when the time come to make my decision on the next course of action.

Although the treatment room is cold, eerie cold, but my heart is warm with the presence of the Almighty! I can feel the presence of God with me and I know he said to me “ fear not, I am with thee”. The Almighty assured me of the healing hand of the doctor and nurses who tend to my medical procedures. I praise the Almighty for granting me the emotional, mental, and physical strength to go through all these dreadful and frustrating experiences. All these while, I was never really afraid of the medical procedure, because I know I was never along in facing the challenges – my family was with me, and most important of all, the Almighty was with me. You know, these whole experiences of dealing with cancer is like a journet of enlightenment with the Almighty.

Looking back, both physical and medically, the chemotherapy sessions and the after effects has been a very frustrating and taxing experiences for me. Most of these experiences are dealing with the side effect such as heart burns, gastric reflux, sore throat, mouth ulcers, nausea, fatigue, lost of appetite, neuropathy such as tingling sensation, numbness, and pain in the arm and palm, constipation, and recently hair loss. One just need to have a lot of patient and be very positive dealing and managing these side effects.

The Almighty has been very graceful to me. He made all these side effect manageable for me, and overall, I did exceptionally well in dealing with all these side effects and the uncertainty of issues at hand. However, I do hope the Almighty can grant me further grace by arresting my hair loss. I still want to look handsome with my signature hair.....

At 49 years old, I still have many good years to go. I had fought a good fight so far, but the battle is not won yet. Definitely, it is not the time for me to surrender and rest yet. I shall shoulder on, be a walking miracles, and source of inspiration to others.

Praise the Lord !!!!

A blessed journey ?

It seemed, I had my fair share of “near to death” experiences. Am I really destined to to have the privilege to stare at death at its edge and escape its inevitable. I escaped twice, but now I am back to square one again fighting for my life. Perhaps, the Almighty always has its sense of humor in illustrating the fragility of life.

Well, I could run away from the physical beings such as a robber or murderers. I could also run away from fatal mishaps or accidents by being more careful. But if the enemy is within you, something that grows from your within, something that instigate your cells to mutate to slowly steal the sands from your hourglass, how do you fight the odds ? Will I be lucky again this time around ? I don't know. I leave it to fate and the Almighty to decide my expiry date. If I overstayed my welcome in this humanistic journey, by all means, let the phrase ring out loud and clear - "In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.". I have lived a meaningful life, and I shall have no regret to return to the garden of the Almighty.

Come to think of it, if death is not part of human journey, would we still treat life as precious and valuable ? Would we become the lower species in the animal kingdom where our daily existence is to kill and be kill in our continue saga of survival ? But we are human being. We are, as usual, naively optimistic in our quest to understand the physic of immortality and the geometry of eternity to justify our stupidity in our never ending quest to glorify our existence. Maybe we should go back to basic to live a simpler life and have more faith in the Almighty. Perhaps then, our life will be happier and more meaningful.

While we accept the fact that life is journey where death is a certainty. But, it is the uncertainty of the hour and day of death that frighten and torment us. The mind is a dangerous playground ! Sometimes, I do wonder and do my wanderings in this playground juggling my hopes, despairs, and fears to make sense of my being. Well, what else can I say ? I am, after all, a deluded soul still indulging in mental masturbation to seek enlightenment and a purpose in life.

“Behold the birds of the heaven, that they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; and your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are not ye of much more value then they? “ ( Matthew 6:26) Well, whatever it is, why worry about life and death ? Carp Diem, let's live one day at a time, the rest, the Almighty will take care for us........

Praise the Lord.....

Boycott USA again ?

A small consumer association in Malaysia is spearheading a nationwide boycott of US-made products on Friday. Read Boycott of US brands to begin tomorrow.

The consumer association asked its members to boycott US-made product because they supported the HAMAS while the USA supported Israel. Now, are we also going to boycott Australian and European products because these two continents also openly support the Israelis ? For that matter, even the UN Secretary General blamed the HAMAS for starting the WAR in Gaza. Are we going to boycott the United Nations as well ?

The war is fought in Gaza between Israel and Hamas. But we blamed the American. And, recently, we even have a small group of people demonstrating noisily in front of the American embassy. We are asked to boycott the USA because they supported Israel, but what if the USA also asked her citizens to boycott Malaysian products because we supported the HAMAS ?

I do not wish to be offensive, but my personal view is, the Middle East region ( Israel included) is the most barbaric regions in the world, the inhabitants there are a disgrace to humanity. These people out there seemed to have never ending satiations for violent and bloods. HAMAS seemed to think that it is their rights to launch deadly Qassam rockets into residential areas of Israel, while Israel also think that it is her rights to attack senselessly and disproportionately with no regards for innocent civilians. As far as I am concerned, both parties are equally barbaric, evil, and guilty of crimes against humanity. If we want to condemn, then we should not take side but to condemn both Israel and HAMAS !

Let us not be a hypocrites in taking side to demonstrate and show our support for either Hamas or Israel. Why waste our energy and time to create new enemies for ourself by boycotting the USA ? Aren't the Americans also like some Malaysians ? Simply because some Malaysians supported HAMAS while some Americans supported Israel, we seemed to think that we have the moral authority to condemn another country because their understanding and opinions differ from ours ? Let us all not to be so misguided and blinded to offer support based on our emotional biases and religious preferences. As far as I am concerned, it pains me to see innocent Israelis and Palestinian civilians suffer in this senseless and never ending conflicts.

HAMAS can go to Hell, the Israelis military can go to Hell, and so is the supporters of both HAMAS and Israel. For those who seemed to think that it is righteous to support Hamas or Israel in this conflict, please book a flight ticket to go to the war zones to fight on their behalf. Please stop disturbing the peace in Malaysia with your noisy demonstrations and boycotting activities.

Why do we always blame the USA for the insane conflict in the Middle East ? As a biased supporter of of one of the conflicting parties, do we, Malaysians, still have the moral authority and fairness to throw condemnations and accusations at other countries simply because they choose to side the parties opposed by us ? Well, a noisy group of self professed moral minority does not represent the rest of the majority of Malaysians.

I am posting this journal entry using Blogger ( the server resides in USA ), an Intel powered notebook ( Intel is an American technology ), and Microsoft Office ( Microsoft is also an American company). Many of my close friends work in American companies. I am insured by AIA ( American Insurance company). I also derive my income from American technologies. Now, should I throw away my computer, cancel my insurance policy, and asked my friends to quit their jobs ? Would you also do the same ?

I would like to believe that the administration of the government of Malaysia to a certain extent, are driven by Microsoft software and American computing technologies. For that matter, I also believe that most of the Takalful insurance companies in Malaysia are using American computing technologies and computer software to issue insurance policies, statements, etc. How about also asking them to boycott products from these infidel companies ? I shake my head......

Call me a hypocrite, narrow minded, insensitive, or whatever you want. But in your eagerness to express your righteousness, I do hope you still possess some basic decency to respect differences in opinions and observations. After all, these companies we are asked to boycott are also innocent civilians, don't drag them into the war to complicate the economic well beings of innocent Malaysians. I don't think it is right for me to bite the hand that feed me....

We must realize that, by taking side and show our support to warring parties, we are actually instigating, encouraging, and promoting further violences. For those who still insist on supporting Hamas or Israel, please, pity those innocent civilians for paying the horrible price of wars, and park your bloodied fake righteousness and immorality elsewhere.

Let's pray to the Almighty in the name of the Prince of Peace to stop the wars and sufferings. I do sincerely wish all of us can have the capacity to love and be loved. I do hope we can have the grace not to cultivate hatreds against others based on religious differences. Instead of noisy demonstrations and boycotting activities, I do hope all those self professed righteous people can offer prayers in their places of worships to seek divine intervention to bless the Palestinians and Israelis with hearts fill with love and peace.......

Of alternative treatments on Cancer....

Recently, a friend of mine approached me with enthusiasm that she has found a “proven cure” for cancer. I can sense her sincerity and eagerness to help me overcome my health problem. She was trying to impress upon me that, so and so, and so many other people has been cured by this alternative treatment. On closer examination, the alternative treatment she mentioned was actually the same failed treatment I went through recently. So I asked her specifically who are the people that got cured, and their contact numbers so that I can call them to verify the claims. But she told me, she got the information from the peddler and was not able to provide credible reference of cancer patients. Well, here goes again the missing link for evident verification and all the so called conspiracy theories of effective alternative treatments being hijacked or suppressed by established pharmaceutical companies.

So, I told her that I did tried some alternative treatments few months ago that required intensive oral medications, and my cancer was not cured. In fact, after completion of these alternative treatments, I am actually worst off with my cancer marker shot up substantially. Maybe, it did improved a little bit on my general well being. After all, if you pump your body intensively with high concentration of vitamins, your body tends to respond temporary with some positive result. Maybe, some of these alternative treatments did cured “some elusive cancer patients”, but they DEFINITELY did not cured my cancer !

I advised her not to be so gullible to listen and believe in the claims made by alternative medicine peddlers. After all, some of these alternative medicine peddlers are only interested in selling their over glorified vitamin supplements disguised as cancer cure. It is a cruel world out there, some people are so driven by money that they are willing to claim heaven and earth to deceive desperate cancer patients to make quick sale. I am not saying that all alternative treatments / medications are fake, but I do have my doubt on the so called claims of “so and so got cured” and the extra ordinary and unsubstantiated claims.

When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I was a desperate man seeking a cure for my health predicament. But since then, I learned my mistake of indulging in false promises and hopes. I would like to advise cancer patients to evaluate carefully the claims made by peddlers of alternative treatments. I sincerely believed all the claims made by these peddlers are probably over exaggerated due to their eagerness to profit at the expense of desperate cancer patients. The best cancer treatments are still the evidence based treatments advocated by the Oncologist, Radiotherapists, Surgeon, and train medical doctors. Beyond that, I think we better take the claims made by some peddlers of alternative treatments with few spoons of salts.

To all the cancer patients out there, don't bet your life on unproven alternative cancer treatments, you are taking the unnecessary risk of delaying effective conventional treatments by wasting time on phony treatments disguised as “alternative treatments”. Take it this way, if these alternative treatments are claimed to be proven and effective, how come they are not registered with the FDA and Ministry of Health ?

It is cruel to mislead and sell unproven cancer cure to desperate cancer patients at exorbitant price. But again, this is a modern commercial world, it is no longer immoral for unscrupulous people to make profit at the misery of desperate people. When unscrupulous people did not felt any guilts associated with their actions, how can there be immorality ? Well, it is a brave new world out there. Welcome to the real world.

Well, whatever it is, no harm to also have faith in GOD. God Heals !!!!!!

I shall overcome.......

2008 was indeed an interesting year. I've been to the mountaintop, and I 've also been to the valley. Health wise, it was indeed a roller coaster year for me. But the important thing is, I buckled my safety belt, and survived 2008. What a blessing !!!!

The year 2008 was indeed an enlightening experience for me. I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, went through failed alternative treatments, and currently still on chemotherapy. During the process, I learned to manage the side effects, the mood swings, and the expectations of life.

On the positive side, my Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome was miraculous cured. I am no longer addicted to coffee. I have also quit smoking. My weight is now maintain at 78kg compared to the previous high of 102 kg. In fact with the exception of cancer, I am more healthy than ever. For the rest of 2009, with the right treatment strategies and more faith in God, I believe, I can over come cancer. I know, I will.

I never been happier now than before. Looking back, the previous few months, I spend more quality time with my family than the previous 20 years. Although during the past 6 months, I was inflicted with occasional fears of cancer and the fragility of life, but I do realized, from fear, I derived hope, and it made me stronger physically and mentally.

I do hope the whole chemotherapy regime worked, where the tumor can be substantially reduced in sized, and the reading for cancer marker dropped to normal range. I do want to remove the fear factor from my daily life, and I do want my life to be back to normal. I do want to have the privilege of going back to work, enjoy quality times with my family members, and not be a burden to my wife and children. I really do not want to see my wife and children suffered from my occasional mood swings and their tiring efforts of providing care to me.

Honestly, there are nights where I was troubled by pains and where sleep won't come. No matter how positive and forward looking, I do occasionally stayed awake thinking and fearing about death, about my unfulfilled responsibilities to my wife and children, and how am I going to say goodbyes to my loved one. I do find myself in a difficult position, where the fear of unknown consumed my reasonable judgment. I think, only God understand my predicament. I really do not want to die young and I do not want to lapse into sufferings of pains. I want to try everything to overcome and recover my health. I do not want to live in false hope. I want to beat those nasty mutant cells in my body, and I want to be a survivor.

As a street fighter of circumstances, those fears and sufferings challenged me to bring the best out of me. I know, I will rise to the occasion and beat the odds again.

I am confident that 2009 will be a good year. And, I shall survive 2009 by living one day at a time.

2009, here I come.....