It's been a rough day..........

I went to my scheduled appointment at the hospital today at around 8:00AM. As usual, I need to go to the diagnostic lab to have my blood sample taken for test. Today seemed to be a bit unusual, after three hours of waiting, the lab test result is still not out yet, and I was informed by the lab technician that they have to restart the machine to conduct the test again. And when the lab report was out finally, I got a shock to read that the cancer marker went up by 40% compared to the previous lab result which was obtained from Aenon about 10 days ago. I consulted the lab technician, she agreed that there might be a mistake in the lab analysis, and asked me to wait for another hour or so for them to do the analysis again.

I have no problem waiting for another hour for them to re-analyze the blood sample. My concern is, if the hospital lab technician have no confident in the first lab report, I doubt they can come out with an accurate analysis on the same machine. I honestly believe that, the hospital diagnostic equipment for the blood analysis is outdated, not functioning properly, and seriously need re-calibration. There is no point for m to wait for another hour or so to obtain a lab report that could be positively wrong or positively right. I decided not to wait for new analysis report and proceed to my appointment with the doctor.

The doctor concluded that the new lab result is out of norm, and agreed that I should do my blood test at outside independent lab in the future. The doctor suggested to maintain the existing treatment strategy for another month, and decide the next course of action after completion of the 30 days treatment regime. I have no problem with the continuation of this treatment strategy. In the absent of accurate data, the best option for me is to maintain status and hope for the best.

I also consulted the doctor on my increasing lack of appetite, the doctor suggested and prescribed Magase, a female hormone, which he believed can help me to improve my appetite. Female hormone ? I do hope, I don't end developing the side effects of having bigger breasts and developing funny voice !

Today seemed like a longer usual period for me to stay in the hospital, partly due to the delay of blood test at the lab. I am a bit dissapointed with the blood test result and it does caused me a lot of anxieties. After so many months of dealing with treatment issues, I guess one more surprise is not going dent my determination to get wel soon. I had dig trenches, if it is going to be a long and winding road ahead, then so be it. I will just take it in my stride and fight on. By the time, I reach home, it is almost 2:00PM in the afternoon and I am so worn out and tired. I dozed off to a much need sleep and woke out at 6:30PM in the evening ! It looks like I am going to have problem sleeping tonight again.....

I am very tired. . But, I must move on stay focus in my fight to regain my health.

Live worthily..........

The past one week has been a very challenging period for me. I am also beginning to notice the physiological changes within me. In addition to the increase frequency of discomforts in my abdominal area and back, I am also easily absent minded to the extended of having difficulty remembering my previous actions, my skin, especially at the facial area is growing sensitive, thin, and easily scratched, and the most irritating part is, I am easily lapsed into mood swings. These cancer cells are nasty and trying all sort of maneuvers to demotivating me. Never in my life I was compelled to endure these challenges for such a long time ! Well, they picked the wrong target, I will do all that are necessary to exterminate and flush out all those unwanted mutant cells in my body.

Those targeted drugs must have wrecked havoc in my body, or am I slowly losing my sanity and logical ability to control my state of being ? It is frustrating of not being able to assert greater control on my mind and body. I know, being what I am, I will find a way to counter and take control of the situation. The only option when dealing with the matter of survival is to fight and keep on fighting to WIN. I know I am made of flesh and blood, but the fusion of flesh and blood in my body will give me the steely determination to reclaim my territorial rights over my mind and body.

Frankly speaking, although my cancer marker's indicator is on the decreasing trend, but I do not know whether I am getting better or slowly losing my fight against this cancer thingy. At times, the continuing discomforts is slowly breaking my determination to shoulder on. I do have my occasional fears of losing my ability to fight like a real fighter, and sometimes, these fears do lapsed me into a momentary dark tunnel, hoping for lights at the other end to guide me out. But when a light finally appeared from the other end, my mind lapsed into fear again, because I feared the light at the other end could be from an coming train. There has been too many surprises and false hopes, far too many than I can cope to deal with the management of my treatments. How do I look forward to the future when the present is at doubt ? I had learned, no matter what I do, there are always times where I do not have control of future events. Between fight and flight, I will never surrendered myself to fear. I would rather sail through the storms, let the future events unfold to surprise me and be surprised with my adaptive resourcefulness. Through the grace of the Almighty, I have gained enough experiences that gave me the wisdoms to neutralize negative situation and emerged stronger.

I realized, my appetite is getting from bad to worst, I am having troubles trying to consume solid foods. I do not know whether this is a normal side effect of the drugs, or maybe it is a psychological resistant. Every time I tried to chew the foods, everything does taste like saw dusts. The more I tried to chew, the more the frustrations grow within me, because it is just too difficult to swallow the food. But the most beautiful thing is, the Almighty had given me the strength to modify my eating behavior, and I am slowly beginning to adapt with alternative eating habit to stay healthy and alive ! If those cancer cells thought that they can squeeze me into malnutritions, definitely they are in for a big surprise. I had learned to handle my fears, anxieties, and frustrations, I will find a way to stay healthy to improve my immune system to activate my spontaneous healing capability to counter attacks the cancer cells into extinctions. As long as I still hold the last breath, to throw in the tower now is not part of my game plan.

I must admit, sometimes, I do have fears dealing with uncertainties. But as a man, it is my responsibility to act brave, and pretend to be brave, because others may not tell the difference ! The important thing is, let not our negative emotion affects the emotional wellbeings of our loved ones.

For a kite to soar high, it must fly against the strong winds ! The Almighty had given me this opportunity to sail through these difficult patches of life, and I know, it will make me stronger and wiser. I know, the odds are against me, but my purpose is not to quit. Like a kite, I shall soared higher against the turbulent winds !

I love this life, and I shall Live Worthily !!!!

My Perak.....

Of prayers and healing...........

Of late, my hand phone and mailbox has been bombarded with a lot of “words of God” from well intended people. It has been indeed becoming very stressful to read all those SMSes and emails. To stay focus to my treatment strategies and keep my stress level to the minimum, I unsubscribed from all the egroups, set my hand phone to silent mood which naturally resulted in a lot of missed calls, and automatically delete all incoming SMSes. To a certain extend, this action helped me to attain certain level of peace of mind for the time being.

While I am battling my survival and dealing with the treatment issues, on almost daily basis, I was advised to have more faith in the almighty, and to conduct aggressive prayers to claim the healing verses of the scripture. I was even told that, the doctor can only treat signs and symptoms, but the ultimate healing comes from the Almighty. I believed, I am still a logical man. As much as I recognized the need to have greater faith in the Almighty, I must also acknowledge the fact that, healing comes from within, and modern medicines play a vital role in our struggle to recover from chronic illnesses.

Let me put it this way, I was and am sicked, is probably due to my weakened immune system. So the natural and logical action for me to pursue, is to consult and seek treatment from a qualified medical practitioners. Of course, offering prayers to the Almighty to seek divine intervention is another spiritual approach. But I failed to understand the need to conduct daily prayers. I have faith that the Almighty is a all knowing merciful God, and definitely he is not an absent minded God ! Times and repeatedly I was being reminded by well intended friends that because I did not offer prayer unceasingly on daily basis, I would be viewed as not having strong faith in the Almighty ! Well, if that is the narrow minded interpretation of how one perceived my relationship with, and my faith in the Almighty, then Amen, and so be it.

Believe it or not, it takes so much more faith and strength to recognized the fact that, healthy people can go around praising the Lord for their good health, and sicked people have to accept the fact that they have to continue to suffer in silent while the Almighty is testing their faiths. Forgive me, my heavenly father, I think this concept of spiritual relationship do at times sound very perverted to me. Nevertheless, as a God fearing person, I accept the fact that my sickness is a form of punishment the Almighty meted out to me for my previous sins. My life is created by the Almighty, it is his prerogative to take this life as and when he see fit. In the mean time, while waiting for the passage to paradise, it is my duty to have a sound mind to continue to seek treatments from the doctors, and live life as logical as possible.

Come to think of it, over the previous few months, I had been bombarded with a lot of spiritual advises to seek healing from the Almighty. At times, it is very stressful for me to reconcile this spiritual needs with modern medicines. One thing for sure, and I do know, to improve my chances of recovery, I must eliminate all possible sources of stress. So, for the time being, possibly over the next few month, I will adopt a secular lifestyle, and imposed self “exile” from spirituality. So, no more attending churches for the time being.

Of course, I am still faithful to the merciful Almighty. I will still pray to the Almighty in the privacy of my home and communicate to him as and when the needs arose. I don't think I need to be a hypocrite to showcase loud prayers or worships to the whole world. I believed, my heavenly father prefers to listen to me in the privacy of my own home.

Oh Almighty, forgive me if I sin, I am, after all, a logical man trying to be a spiritual man in a secular world.

明天會更好. Praise the Lord.......

The week that was.....

I checked out from Aenon Health Farm on Thursday morning. Overall, the past five days at Aenon has been an enjoying and relaxing experience. I did acquired a little bit more knowledge about becoming a vegan, how to prepare simple vegetarian dishes, nutritional values of fruits and vegetables, and some basic life style adjustments. Unbelievable !!! this carnivorous is on the verge of becoming a vegetarian. Do I look forward to plant based diet ? Why not ?

At the centre, one of the volunteer commented that I look positive and cheerful as a cancer patient. I don't know, maybe I am getting used to managing my health issues for the past few months. On a practical note, what choice do I have in dealing with this dreaded health issue ? Instead of self pity and living in fear, I might as well find means and ways to motivate myself to live life as it is, and happily. However, deep within me, I do have this occasional fights within me, trying to balance my daily fears and anxieties of the illness against the reality of my situation, and the need to be strong for myself and my family. Overall, I thank the Almighty for giving me the wisdom and grace to shoulder this emotional uncertainties. I accepted the fact that I am sick, but I will not give up my fight against this chronic illness. As much as I surrendered my life to the Almighty to dictate, I will also do all that within my capabilities to sustain my fight till my last breath. I know, with determination, I shall overcome, and I will recover from this unwelcome illness. I will not allow fears and uncertainties to hold me back to live life to the fullest.

At home on Friday, I had a rather relaxing time. Throughout the day, I was a little bit dozy and lazy, probably due to the relaxing pace of life during the previous few days. I was also quite happy to see my son's girlfriend, who came back for holiday from Indonesia.

On Saturday, I was attacked with another bout of severe pain at abdominal and back area. Although, my cancer marker is on a decreasing trend, but I do noticed, the bouts of pains are becoming quite frequent. I do hope my situation is not turning toward the worst. Being positive, I would like to treat these bouts of attack as healing crisis. And hopefully, the attacks tapper off eventually. My son and his girlfriend also accompany me to a medical supplies shop to buy an Infra Red Light Device to be used at home to relief my pain. So far, the penetrating warmness generated by the infrared light device does help to contain my pain to a certain extent.

Towards Sunday evening, the pain at the back subsided and the pain at the abdominal area became more manageable. I do hope I can have a good night sleep tonight ! It is rather irritating and uncomfortable to have disturbed sleeps caused by the random attack of pains over the previous few nights.

明天會更好. Praise the Lord. Good NiteZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......