Friday, September 25, 2009

A small mission accomplished......

In my posting on February 18 2009 ( Memories... ), I blogged about the demolished Scout Den in my Alma Mater. I was a bit disappointed that the scout den was demolished by the school authority due to termite problems. I made a pledge to myself then to rebuilt the scout den for the school.

With the help of some ex school mates both in Taiping and Selangor, I managed to solicit some funds and support to to kick start the rebuilding of the scout den.

Last week, I went back to visit the school, and was indeed very pleased to learned that the Scout den has been rebuilt, and I was told that, the Scout Master who is also an Arts teacher is making arrangement to make mural painting on the wall to make it more presentable.

All in all, approximately RM 17,000 was spent on this small project including the building, portable tents, and other scouting equipments. I do sincerely hope the young boys in the school can make full use of the facilities for better scouting activities.

Now that I have accomplished this little mission, I will now refocusing writing my second book - Life's Monologue : Living with Cancer. Hopefully, I can complete this book by January 2010.....

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

As I see it.....

I felt very sad to learn that, Patrick Swayze died at the age of 57 on September 14, 2009. He was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer in January 2008. Since I was diagnosed with cancer in September 2008, I followed closely his 20 months battle with cancer. In addition to subject himself to various treatments, he remain positive and keep his heart,soul, and spirit open to miracles, but sadly, miracle eluded him. I can understand the level of pains he went through, perhaps, death is the ultimate escape from the physical miseries inflicted by the dreaded illness. May he rest in peace.

As I see it, cancer is a dreaded disease. For previous 12 months, in my search to seek cure for my illness, the so called modern medicines also subjected myself to endure so much unbearable pains and discomforts. I also have to endure the humiliation and anxieties of the various treatment procedures. On the spiritual side, I am also constantly being disturbed by some misguided souls who advised me to abandon treatment and seek the healing miracles of prayers to the Almighty. Initially, I went for prayers after prayers, and eventually realized that, these are all futile exercises. My take on these is, healing comes from within, and it got nothing to do with the Almighty, and I sincerely do not think the Almighty is capable to heal sicknesses. Ever wonder why there are so many deaths from illnesses all over the world ? I guess, when we are healthy and wealthy, we can always praise the lord for blessing us with health and wealth, but when we are sick, it is every man his own ! We got to believe in ourself to seek cure and move on with life.

At times, as the intensity of the level of pains increased, I resigned myself to the fact that I am fighting a losing battle. It is not that I am not positive or give up easily, but, I am only a human being unaccustomed to all these new found pains, discomforts, and sufferings, and there is a threshold on how much I can take. In my attempt to prolong my life, is it worth it if this prolong life span is tainted with pains and degradations ? Although I count myself lucky to be surrounded by caring family members and friends, but when dealing with this terminal illness, it is about me and how I deal with my fear of the eventualities. I do not think my family members and friends understand my state of minds, because I myself, at times, also wandering and lost in my own state of confusions. Sometimes, I do wonder whether it would be better off for me and my family members if I just end it – no more sufferings, no more fears, no more uncertainties, and most important of all, I am no more a burden to my loved ones.

Coming back to reality, I know, I can not be so irresponsible to neglect the emotional well beings of my loved ones. The least I can do now, is to keep fighting like a warrior and not to let them down. I will continue to keep my mind and heart open to miracles. I walked through the most difficult patch of my life during the previous 12 months, from now on, how much tougher can it be ? Perhaps, I will be lucky soon. I know, as long as I stay clear of negative emotions and never give up, I will eventually find a way to overcome.

Praise the lord.....

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

It's been a year...........

I went back to see the doctor the previous week for assessment of my CT scan result. The good doctor told me that the scan image indicated that there is no changes in size in the tumor size. His assessment is, the cancer activities is under controlled, and he is quite happy with the result. Happy with the result ? Well, I don't know what to say. After going through One and a half month of daily radiotherapy and oral chemo, I was a bit disappointed that the latest treatment regime was not successful in shrinking the tumor. But on the other hand, the consolation is, the cancer tumor marker reading has been substantially reduced, and it has not spread to other vital organs. I guess that is the prelude to a longer haul battle to regain my health. Well, I guess if the good doctor is happy with my progress so far, I will have to have faith in him to manage my treatment regime. The doctor has also given me another month of “medical leave” before I check in to the hospital again for consultation, assessment, as well as giving the allowance of time to figure out what is my next treatment regime.

This month is September month. A few months before September 2008, I was having some minor constipation issues, minor tummy upsets, and began to loose weight. After many visits to the doctor, I was shocked with the news that a 5CM tumor was detect at my pancreas! One year has passed, and I am still seeking treatment to overcome this health predicament ! Looking back, it has been a painful, scary, and difficult period for me during the previous one year. But, on the other hand, I also realized, it has also been an amazing journey of enlightenment and self discoveries.

I was indeed a blessed person with so many good friends and family members that cares about my well being. I was also indeed very lucky that the good Lord has provided for me to afford my medical bills. In his amazing way, the good Lord has guided me to live one day at a time, and provided me with abundances.

I read the statistic that said that patient with pancreatic cancer has less than 5% chance of surviving more than 5 years. I know, the odds are heavily stacked against me. But honestly speaking, over the previous one year, I had never loose hope in my ability to regain my health. Deep down in me, I know I am not sick, I am just having symptoms of this chronic illness. I will have to keep trying to get rid of these symptoms by putting my best foot forward to climb the stairs of recovery. The symptoms of illness may dent my physical body, but one thing for sure, they can never dent my spirit, my hope, my faith, and my determination to get well and to restore my life back to normalcy.

It is a lonely journey in my fight against cancer. As bad as I felt about the chances and statistic, but I am also determined to beat the odds and I am going to survive this ordeal !!!!