Another disappointing day again......

I had been having my monthly blood test for tumor marker for the previous 12 months. Yesterday was no exception. I went to the hospital laboratory in the morning for my blood sample to be taken, and made arrangement with the laboratory technician to have the result ready for my monthly consultation with the doctor this afternoon.

As usual, I was a bit anxious about the blood test result. I do really want to see some reduction in the CA19.9 cancer marker reading. I was a bit disappointed that the reading for the CA19.9 Cancer marker has gone up again compared to the previous month's reading. Well, I guess, over the previous 12 months, I had been through so many disappointments in term of my treatment outcomes. So, one more disappointment is not going break me. I will just have to take it in my stride and hope for the best.

I discussed with the good doctor that, most likely, if the situation does not improve by January 2010, I will have to go for another computer tomography scan to do a positional review, and seriously consider the option of another regime of chemotherapy. The doctor has recommended that the next round of chemotherapy may involve a combination of Germcitabine and Avastin. I told the doctor my reservation of using Germcitabine as the main formula, because previously, I been through seven rounds of chemotherapy using Germcitabine, and it doesn't seemed to work in bringing down the cancer marker readings and tumor size. However, I will leave the option open and cross the bridge when the time come. At the moment, my main concern is to increase my weight and prepare my body in good physical condition during the next two months, so that I can withstand another assault of chemo drugs in the event that this course of action is unavoidable.

As much as I want to maintain my positive outlook, but I also need to accept the reality of the current situation. For a start, I know, the pains and discomforts are getting more frequents and I will have to increase the dosages of pain killers to manage and minimize my pains and discomforts so that the quality of my daily existence is not eroded. Whatever it is, I got to keep myself busy so that I will not unnecessarily lapsed into too much negative thoughts and anxieties. More than 12 months have passed, but I realized, he journey of my recovery of health has just began ! Metaphorically speaking, for better or for worst, I already dug my trenches, I will fight this battle with all my determinations. I pray that he Almighty can grant me the strength, wisdom, and grace to fight and overcome all those nasty cancer cells in my body.

Physically, I noticed, my body has been significantly weakened due to all those treatment protocols and lack of nutritions resulting from lack of appetites. Emotionally, I realized, people surrounding me has been treating me DIFFERENTLY, as seemed that I may drop dead suddenly, or perhaps, may be, I am over sensitive in this aspect.

I had been trying very hard to arrest my declining weight by forcing myself to eat as much as I can. Luckily, my weight has been stabilized over the previous one month or so. My immediate objective is to attempt to increase my body weight over the next two months to prepare myself for next round of treatment protocol.

I also told my loved ones that, although, I am not feeling well, but I do not want to be treated like a sicked person. I really do not want to be a burden to anybody, and emotionally, it is also very stressful for me to be in a state of awareness that I attracted all these unwelcome attentions. Those thoughts, attitudes, and perception of cancer by people surrounding me can, at times, prevent me from wanting to live my life as it is. Life must go on, as NORMALLY as possible.

I went through a period of, from shock to fear, from fear to acceptance, and finally from acceptance to adaptation.. Emotionally speaking, I had been through so much roller coaster rides dealing with the treatment regimes, with people surrounding me, and with the priorities of my life. Suddenly I begin to realize, life is indeed precious to me. I am beginning to appreciate the little things in my habitat. As much as I want to live my life to the fullest for the day, I also begin to look forward to the next day. And I really appreciate the opportunity to smell the flowers, and even enjoy the chirping sounds of the birds in my garden. Life is indeed beautiful ! Perhaps, the Almighty in his wisdom put me into this predicament in order to enlighten me to focus my life into this new perspective. The finality of life may seemed to be near, but I still have a choice of how I want to live my life, how I want to be remembered, how I can make this world a better place for all, and how I want to inspire others in the same predicament as me to live a better life than me.

Well, the journey ahead is going to be very challenging, but I know, it is going to be very interesting and enlightening as well. I shall emerged from this journey stronger and a better man.

Praise the Lord !

A trip down memory lane......

Taiping Coffee

I was persuaded by my ex-classmate, Muzzafar, to visit my old school in Taiping. Muzz and I were classmates at SMK King Edward VII School in 1977 & 1978. Together with my Kampungmate, Chee, we traveled back to Taiping on Oct 28th 2009. Chee is a younger brother of another of my classmate. He is a successful abstract artist and owned a studio in Kota Damansara. I used to joked with him that, one piece of his painting can fetch the price of an apartment in uptown Kuala Lumpur.

We left Subang Jaya at around 11:00AM and reached Taiping at around 2:30PM, Checked into my usual Panorama Hotel to freshen up before we proceed to our next event of the day..

For our “tea break”, we went to have a bowl of our regular Jemeema's cendul – those unforgettable and distinctive taste and fragrance ice cold dessert ! We actually also plan to savor the Malay Assam Laksa near the cendul store, but luck was not on our side. The mobile Assam Laksa store was not there on that day.

After finishing our delicious cendul, Chee suggested that there is another good Laksa store near the Pokok Assam's police station. We drove there to satiate our urge for the spicy and sourish noodle.

After finishing the laksa, on our way to pick up our car to go back to the hotel, I notice a very run down single storey wooden building diagonally across the police station. I remembered, in my younger days, this run down building used to be a clinic offering free medical care to the village folks. The building used to be in green colour. My late mother used to use bicycle to ferry to the clinic to seek medical care whenever I am not feeling well. The building is now in such a neglected state, what a waste.

We went back to the hotel at around 6;00pm and decided to have dinner at the hotel at around 8:00pm. After that, we adjourned to the nearby mamak coffee shop to have the tarik and roti canai. We called it a day slightly after mid night.

The next day, after having a light breakfast at the mamak coffee shop, we went to the school at around 7:30AM.

We were welcomed by the school principal, the parents teachers association members, and some members of the old boys association. After signing the guest book and some chit chat at the principal's office, we were ushered to the assembly ground where the “Majlis colours Day” were held.

After speeches by the principal, the president of the parents teachers association, and the president of the old boys association, I presented my speech also. While I was on the rostrum looking at the students assembled in the field, I suddenly realized, more than 30 years ago, I was also standing at the same spot looking out to the podium wondering where I would be in the years to come. Well, it looks like I had went round the globe and back to my alma mater to seek acknowledgement that, at least I completed a loop in my journey of seeking enlightenment.

The following was my speech :

Good morning to the honorable emcee, the respectable principal of SMK King Edward VII, Mr. Yahya Bin Liman, the worthy YDP of PTA, Tuan Haji Ali Akhbar, the honorable President of the Old Edwardian Association, Taiping, Mr. Mohaideen, senior assistants, teachers and beloved students.

I would like to extend my appreciation on the willingness of the Colours Day Celebration Committee to invite me to this meaningful event. I would also want to congratulate the school administrators and all the SMK King Edward VII committee for successfully continuing the Colours Day tradition annually. This event is really significant to all the students who have contributed in upholding the good name of the school in the co-curriculum fields involving sports, games and uniform unit at the district, state and national level.

My fellow young tigers,

Colours Day is a very prestigious event which is held only by certain elite premier schools in our country. As far as my knowledge is concerned, SMK King Edward VII Taiping is the only school in the district of Larut Matang and Selama which successfully celebrates the event every year.

Here, I would like to congratulate those students who are awarded with the Full Colour Award and Half Colour Award for their excellent achievement in the co-curriculum activities. I wish that the accomplishment attained will motivate other students to put more efforts towards the success in the co-curriculum fields they engaged in.

Ladies and gentlemen,

In his speech just now, the Principal did explained about the success accomplished by the students in the domain of sports, games, uniform unit and societies. We are so proud that the good name of this school is highlighted at both state and national level. It is undeniable that SMK King Edward VII is a premier school that is not only well-known in the Larut Matang and Selama District but also in the Perak state. SMK King Edward VII is a warrior and champion in the sport like rugby, and the great name of the school is enough to frighten the opponents in any competition. May this tradition of excellence remain in the coming years.

My fellow young tigers,

Let me digress a bit, about a year ago, I was diagnosed with advanced stage Cancer of the Pancreas. The doctor has quietly told me that I had less than 6 months of sands left in my hour glass. When the carpet was suddenly pulled from under my feet, I was alone and in despair, but the Tiger spirits within me fought back and roared. Today, more than 12 months later, I am still standing in front of all you living my life to the fullest. You know why ? Because we are all Tigers. The road ahead maybe difficult, but a true tiger will never quit, always fight back with dignity and pride to overcome life's obstacles and adversaries.

Under the shadow of this great name, SMK King Edward VII, you are privileged to be given opportunities to acquire a sound educational and character building foundation. I believe, this acquired foundation shall prepare you to be Greater Than Before, and shall stand you in good stead in the years ahead to bring glories to the school and to yourselves.

Before I end my speech, I would like to take this opportunity to wish good luck to all the SPM and STPM candidates. For the form 3 students who have just finished their PMR, I wish that all of you may pass the tough exam with flying colours.

I would also like to advise all the students to balance their involvement in the co-curriculum activities by not neglecting their academics. There is no easy path to success. Every dream and success requires efforts and high fighting spirit.

Last but not least, , I launch the Colours Day Celebration today.

Thank you.

After the speeches, certificates and colours were presented to the students who excelled in sports and co-curriculum activities.

After the ending of the Colours Day ceremony, I was invited to officially launch the new scout den. In my younger days, I was an active scout in the school. So, I was more than happy to officiate the new scout den.

After completing the “business” in the school, we went to another famous cendul store in Taiping – Ansari Cendul, to have another bowl of cendul before we hit the road to go back to Subang Jaya.

To Muzz, Eng Hong, Alex, Siva, and Mohaideen, thank you very much for making trip to Taiping memorable for me.

Magni Nominis Umbra, I shall be Greater Than Before..............

The myth of cancer cure....

Times and again, I was told by well intended people that, in order to better my chances of survival against cancer, I must alter the pH balance of my cells environment. In other words, I must put more “Alkalinity” into my body because cancer cells can not survive in alkaline environment.

In this regards, I had been introduced “Alkaline supplements” to create a “less acidic” body condition so that my body environment is less friendly to cancer cell. It really amazed me that, there are so many over enthusiastic sales personnel from direct sale companies suddenly became so eloquent about cancer cure. Mind you, these people are not medically trained, but will always tried to convince and confuse you with their “cure all” supplements with all sort of conspiracy theories of large pharmaceutical companies suppressing their so called “proven” alternative cures. Sometimes, I do wish all these peddlers of “Cancer cure supplements” can be enlightened with ethic, less driven by profit motivation, and blessed with basic medical knowledge to cause less harm to cancer patients.

The great scholar and philosopher, Confucius, once said “ A little bit of knowledge is very dangerous”. While I am not denying the fact that there are many researches that concluded that high alkalinity inhibits growth of cancer cells, but these researches are done in laboratory condition ! Our human body is a very complex chemistry driven eco system. It is virtually impossible to alter cell environment to derive high alkalinity condition by taking “alkaline liquid or supplement”.

In fact, our body is chemically conditioned to obtain balance by excreting any excess acidity or alkalinity through urine and sweats. So, as an educated man with a sound mind, I don't think by intensively taking supplements or alkaline liquids is going to improve the chances of cure for cancer. As a cancer patient, I hope, our Ministry of Health can come up with guideline to regulate the over enthusiastic of direct sales companies to prevent further misinformation of their hocus pocus alternative cures.

So, the question is, “Can cancer be prevented or cured by intensely taking alkaline liquids or supplements ?” I don't think so ! So, if next time you are approach by person claiming otherwise, please take the person's calim with a bucket of salts. My take on this is, to minimize the risk of cancer and to improve the chances of recovery, perhaps, we should not deny ourself evidence based treatment protocol, maintain a healthy lifestyles by having regular exercises to improve the oxygen intake into our body, eat everything in moderations, eat more fruits and vegetables and less processed foods, consult your doctor and don't miss your annual medical check-ups, and most important of all, be more jovials to lead a less stressful life.

And, lastly, if you are strickened with cancer, it caused no harm to seek spiritual comforts in the Almighty., by faith, the Almighty is our ultimate healer !

Life goes on....

It's been more than a year since I was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer. In addition to the dreaded treatment protocols such as chemotherapy, radiation therapy, etc,, daily pains and discomforts has become part and parcel of my daily existence. Not wanting to sound perverted, I am beginning to get used to these pains and discomforts. I guess, that is the normal price to pay for wanting to prolong the life. The only option I have now is to find ways to improve the quality of my existence.

I am blessed to be able to enjoy good medical services to help me cope with the management of living with cancer. On this score, I would like to thank Dr Tan Meng Kuan of TungShing hospital for making chemotherapy less painful for me, Dr John Low of Pantai Medical Centre for managing my present treatment strategies such as oral chemo, radio therapy, etc., Dr SY Loh of University Malaya for advising me on qualitative aspect of my remaining life, and Hospice Malaysia for helping me to cope with symptoms management. I am also greatly indebted to my family members for their understanding and untiring efforts to provide care to me. Indeed, I thank God for given me the opportunity to receive the best medical care, a loving family to take care of me during my times of distress, and my friends for providing me with moral support. One undeniable fact is, modern medicine, while not completely able to knock off the cancerous tumor in my body, but it does significantly lessen my discomforts and greatly improve the quality of my remaining existence. The Almighty with his amazing grace has provided me with abundances ! Praise the Lord.

In late September 2009, I visited my hometown, Taiping. The foods, as usual, are as fantastic as always. The Lake Gardens, the Burmese Pool, my alma mater, and various other places of interests, are also as beautiful as always. I hope they will be forever beautiful as long as the Taiping Hills stand. I hope I can be given more opportunities to visit my home town as often as I want.

The Taiping Lake Gardens

The Taiping Lake Gardens

Taiping War Cemetery

A pre-merdeka tri-cycle

My Alma Mater

I went back to good doctor last week for my scheduled consultation. The blood test indicated that my CA19.9 marker has increased compared to last month's result, but the doctor advised me not to unduly worry about the latest result. The doctor advised me to come back for another consultation in a month's time. In the mean time, the doctor gave me the green light to eat whatever I want, have my regular coffee, enjoy my cold beer as often as I want, and enjoy my life !

My main concern now is, since the completion of my radiation therapy, I lost a lot of weight, probably due to lack of appetites. I am now weight only 56Kg compared to my pre-radiation therapy's weight of 75KG. So, the immediate objective is to bring my weight back to around 70Kg before I consider new treatment protocol. At the moment, the doctor has not prescribed any maintenance medications for me. For the time being, I am taking a dicotion of herbal drinks on alternate day. It is basically a combination of garden herbs consists of 黑面将军 (Strobilanthes crispus), 爬樹龍 (Rhaphidophora decursiva), 甜 (Stevia rebaudiana), 四方藤 (Caulis Cissi Hexangularis), 紅田鳥 (Alternanthera sissilis), and 白鶴靈芝 (Rhinacanthus nasuta).

Yesterday evening, while brushing my teeth, I broke a tooth. Well, after months of aggressive treatment, my teeth are becoming brittle. I got to be more careful in brushing my teeth in the future. This morning, I went to the local dentist to assess the damage. The dentist took half an hour and managed to reconstruct my broken tooth, and it costs only RM 80 ! A job beautifully done.

I am now writing my second book, “Conversations with CK – Living with Cancer”. I hope to complete the draft for final editing by January 2010. The proceeds from the sales of this book will go into charity, most probably an orphanage. In the mean time, I am still sourcing for sponsorship to cover the costs of editing, design, and production. I hope the funding can come in during these two months. I have faith that the Almighty will made the necessary facilitations to ensure success of this small project.

Praise the Lord......

A small mission accomplished......

In my posting on February 18 2009 ( Memories... ), I blogged about the demolished Scout Den in my Alma Mater. I was a bit disappointed that the scout den was demolished by the school authority due to termite problems. I made a pledge to myself then to rebuilt the scout den for the school.

With the help of some ex school mates both in Taiping and Selangor, I managed to solicit some funds and support to to kick start the rebuilding of the scout den.

Last week, I went back to visit the school, and was indeed very pleased to learned that the Scout den has been rebuilt, and I was told that, the Scout Master who is also an Arts teacher is making arrangement to make mural painting on the wall to make it more presentable.

All in all, approximately RM 17,000 was spent on this small project including the building, portable tents, and other scouting equipments. I do sincerely hope the young boys in the school can make full use of the facilities for better scouting activities.

Now that I have accomplished this little mission, I will now refocusing writing my second book - Life's Monologue : Living with Cancer. Hopefully, I can complete this book by January 2010.....