Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy 2009 ?

2008 is coming to an end. As usual, I received several SMSes on my hand phone, inviting me to attend gathering of sumptuous foods and free flow of alcohol.

I have no doubt that this get together session will probably end up as being another get drunk session. A session for a bunch of boys trapped in old men bodies trying to out compete each other on how much their bodies can withstand alcoholic abuses. With all due respect, I do wonder whether a person's manhood is a reflection of how much alcoholic abuses he can take.

It pain me to have the thought that there are many people living in poverty, no foods on the table, and many children goes to sleep with empty stomachs. Here, I was invited to attend a session of “sumptuous buffet” and free flow alcohol ! I do not wish to impose my opinion on others, forgive me, but I do have disliking to be associated with alcoholic drunkards. Thousand and one apologies for my oxymoronic righteousness. Why can't we just pool together the monies we are going to spend sinfully on liquors and donate it to charities such as orphanages and old folks homes ? If we are not in a charitable mood, for a start, is it very difficult for us to spend the times and monies on our family members ? Well, I guess it is not up to me to judge or be judged. After all, I do need to respect other people's rights for managing their priorities in life. How others want to live their lives are none of my business. I am after all, also a deluded soul searching for a purpose in life.

For those misguided souls who seemed to be very proud of their ability to be intoxicated. No offense intended, but here is my little observation :

An appeal to a drunkard......

When the streets are quiet,
and all has been asleep.
I am at my best,
at the pub.

The alcohols and the beers,
they are my true life companions.
I have no achievements in life,
with nonsense talks cheering me on,
I can out drank all those unhappy souls in the pub.
For a moment, my world is spinning non stop.
But, I really enjoy being “man” of the pub.
At least, in this crowded smoky arena of euphoric visions,
I have a sense of accomplishment !

In my life, I am always blessed.
There are always someone to care for my loved ones.
There are always excuses I can made.
There are always blames I can passed on.
The world is always at fault !
I am not responsible for what other felt about me.

Oh drunkard,
with hidden tears,
with choked throat, and with depleted emotions,
I beg you to sober up, look around you, and
look at the trails of emotional destructions you have caused.
Stop wasting your life, no body owes you a living,
be a real man,
be responsible,
and have the courage to face the real world.
Be fair to your loved ones !

With 2009 only a day away, Cheers ?

P/S I have no problem having a drink or two with social drinkers. Some social drinkers are industry leaders and men of repute, but not drunkards and irresponsible drunkards. Time and repeatedly, I had stated my intention very cleary not wanting to be associated with drunkards. Call me narrowminded or whatever you want, but is it so difficult to respect this rights of mine ? I do find it difficult to be involved with habitual drunkards. I respect the rights of others to intoxicate themselves, sincerely, I have no problem with them, but just don't get me involve. I do not monopolize misery or rights of others, but I do expect drunkards to respect my rights not wanting to be part of their misery and intoxications. A NO is a NO, is it offensive for me to assert this right of mine not to be associated with drunkards ?

By the way, we are all hypocrites ! We go around telling the whole world we respect freedom of expressions and opinions of others, but when opinions expressed by others are not compatible with ours, we felt offended, and looking for ways to glorify our own narrowmindedness. Wow ! my french cap is for those hypocrites to keep.......

Monday, December 22, 2008

Round Five : I kept my faith...

On December 20th 2008, I launched my book, “Conversations With CK”, at my house. I am quite happy tht my friends and relatives turned up to support my efforts to collects donations for Rumah Sharom. I was also equally surprised to see Datuk Seri Yuen Yat Ling, and some blogger fans turned up at the book launch. All in all, more than 200 books were sold from 10:00AM to 3:00PM. Not bad for an informal and low budget launch. However, I still have around 700 copies to move out before I can achieve my target of collecting RM20K for Rumah Sharom and RM 3K my my alma mater's scout movement. On the positive side, I received quite good reviews for the books. Whatever it is, If any of the readers of this blog, or your friends are interested to purchase copies of this book, please feel free to contact me at

"Autograph Session"

My 4th chemo was scheduled on December 22, 2008. Honestly, I really do not look forward to having this chemo session. I do felt very frustrating to have needle poked into my arm for blood test, and subsequently having the butterfly needle poked in to receive the cocktail of chemo drugs intravenously. Well, I guess I just have to put up a brave front, and go ahead with the scheduled treatment. So Round Five, I am on !

Due to the book launch on December 20th 2008, I missed my Saturday's attendance at the Damansara Utama Methodist Church. So, to make up for my absent, I attended the Sunday's morning service. TO prepare myself spiritually for this coming round of chemical warfare, the good pastor at the DUMC church paryed for me to have a smooth chemo session and speedy recover.

Today, my wife drive me to Tung Shing hospital for my treatment. As usual, I had my blood test to determine whether I am medically fit to receive the chemo treatment. So far so good, the good doctor also did a physical examination on my tumors. He mentioned to me that, the indicators from the blood test are within the expected range, and my tumor seemed to be softened and reduced in size. The chemotherapy today took more than 2 hours to be completed, but overall, it went smoothly without major difficulty. After the chemo, I was checked into the ward for resting, and the usual tests. By the way, my blood pressure is still maintained at 130/80, and I gained another KG in wieght. I am now 80KG in weight. So medically and physically speaking, I am well on schedule to recovery of my health.

Well, “I have fought a good fight. I have finished my course, I have kept the faith. [2 Timothy 4:7]” Oh mighty God, am I entitled to claimed victory for Round 4 ?

As usual, after my 4th chemotherapy today, I encountered the usual side effects of having a numbed arm, felt dizzy, nauseated, chest pains, and lost of appetite. But this tme around, it is not as bad as my experiences in the 3rd chemoterapy. Perhaps, previous experiences made better prepared for the negative side effects. I presumed and expect the next few days will be tough for me to cope. But whatever it is, I will try my best to control my moods, try my best to adapt, stay positive, be cheerful, and take ONE Day At Time. Maybe, to make thing better for tomorrow, I will “Take no thought for tomorrow; for tomorrow shall take thought for the things of itself. [Matthew 6:34]” And I know, as long as I have faith in the almighty God, he will make a way for me to overcome all uncertainties and difficulties.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Miracle herbs ?

“..... Indigenous peoples from the Amazon jungle have used the bark, leaves, roots, flowers, fruit, and seed from the graviola tree for centuries to treat heart disease, asthma, liver prob-lems, and arthritis. Scientists from North America learned of the legendary healing tree and, through dozens of in vitro tests, discovered its ability to kill malignant cells of 12 different types of cancer, including ovarian, colon, breast, prostate, lung, liver, cervical, lymphoma, and pancreatic cancer. Laboratory research showed it to be 10,000 times stronger in killing colon cancer cells than Adriamycin, a commonly used chemotherapy drug. And Graviola, unlike chemotherapy, can kill cancer cells without harming healthy cells....”

“...... The Graviola tree has been studied in more than 20 laboratory tests since the 1970s, where it's been shown to:

  • effectively target and kill malignant cells in 12 different types of cancer, including colon, breast, prostate, lung, and pancreatic cancer
  • be 10,000 times stronger in killing colon cancer cells than Adriamycin, a commonly used chemotherapeutic drug
  • selectively hunt down and kill cancer cells without harming healthy cells, unlike chemotherapy.......”

I received my supplies this morning. In addition to Curcumin and USANA's nutritional supplements, I will take this new herbal extract to complement my existing chemotherapy. So, is Graviola (AngMor Durian) a miracle herb ? Well, if it cause no harm, why not ? So now, I have added new weapon in my chemical warfare arsenal, you mutant cells out there, watch out...... hehehehe....

Thursday, December 18, 2008

The Week that was.....

My favorite girl, Christine Vasco, came down from Singapore to visit her old uncle......

My old varsity mate, Larry Pomerantz, came down from Canada to visit. The last time I met Larry was 25 years ago...

My old varsity mate, Phua & wife, came down from Singapore to visit. The last time I met Phua was probably 2 years ago...

25 years ago, the four of us studied at the University of Guelph....

My God daughter, Dawn, and her 2 months old baby, Isaac...

My brother, Benny, has been visiting me regularly to make sure I am well taken care off....

Now, coming back to the present, on Saturday (December 20 2008), my first book, "Conversations With CK", will be on sale. The book is price at RM 39.90 per book. For everybook sold, RM 25 will be donated to Rumah Shalom. I hope to raise RM 20K for Rumah Shalom, and RM 3K for my alma mater's Scout Movement.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

“Conversations With CK” – Book Launch

My dear friends,

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year 2009 !

I have not been in active blogging over the previous three months. My apology for the lack of visibility as I was quite pre-occupied with the management of my health issues. But most important of all, together with my good friends, I was also involved in documenting and finalizing a book, “Conversations With CK (A man, his life, and Cancer )”. I am hoping to raise about RM 20,000 to help the home cover their daily expenses for foods, clothings, utilities bills, etc.

The book will be on sale on December 20 2008. I need your support to make this a successful event. Please take note of the following administrative details :

  • Date : Saturday December 20 2008

  • Time : 10:00AM to 3:00PM

  • Venue : 31, Jalan USJ 4/6F, UEP Subang Jaya Selangor

  • Tel : 013 – 3638327 ( Irene ), 012 – 239 5569 ( Liew Suet Fun )

  • Price of the Book : RM 39.90

In the spirit of Christmas, I urge you to join me to make this world a better place for all, and to bring cheers and hope to Shalom Home. Please bring along your friends to purchase copies of the book on December 20, 2008. I will be there to personally autograph the purchased copies.

(1) Preface Of “Conversations with CK”
This year, on September 16, I received an email from CK telling me that he may have cancer. He had not been well for some time, having lost about 30 kilogrammes and been in and out of hospital trying to figure out what was going on. I had not seen him for a while, engrossed as I was with work and the usual rush of life. His initial fears were not unfounded, when subsequent tests confirmed a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer.

As a friend, I must confess to being at an utter loss of how to offer help in a meaningful way. While sympathy and moral support are some avenues of such expression between friends, I wished that I
could do more to add to his quality of existence in this extremely precarious passage of his life.

I have not known CK all my life. Our own friendship began just a few years ago when he rang me out of the blue one morning and offered to support my fundraising efforts for our alma mater's rugby team. I was surprised at the swiftness of his response to an email I had sent out just the night before to an e-group we both belonged to, asking for contributions to this fund. I later learnt that he, like me, had an interest in doing our bit for communities.

So over the years, I would ask for his help or for donations and he would give, always without hesitation and with great generosity.
One morning, not long after I first heard about his diagnosis, it struck me that I could offer to compile a book containing selected entries from his blog site. CK, while an IT professional in his daily life, is also an avid blogger who writes compulsively and often close to the midnight hour almost every night, before falling asleep. He once said to me that it allowed him to fall asleep peacefully, this unburdening of his thoughts. As a writer myself, I understand the cathartic nature of writing but I also understand that in order for this act to be cathartic, it must rise from the deepest part of oneself. I do not know what this deepest self is called; maybe it is pure instinct, the subconscious or both.

In this collection, CK has selected entries dating from 2006 till December 2008. This spans more than two years, from before his diagnosis till after his third chemotherapy session. Part memoir and part discourse on life and spirituality, the writings explore with unflinching honesty a childhood marked deeply by poverty, his immense respect and love for his parents, his relationships with his siblings, his spouse and his children, his philosophical and spiritual conflicts and his fight with cancer. It is this revealing honesty that transforms his writing into an absorbing read.

He often refers to himself as an "oxymoron", a wry term he uses to describe his dual nature. He is rational yet emotional; proud yet humble; materialistic yet spiritual; empathetic yet self-absorbed. In short, he is human, like all of us, and prepared to admit it. His "street style" as his calls it, pulls no punches and tells us like it is. It is a rare virtue to be able to write with such searing honesty and it can only mean that one has little illusions about oneself, life, and now, death.
In earlier postings, he reveals an unnerving sense of premonition of his fate.

"Although my heart is filled with love for you,
but soon the rhythms must halt.

I must whisper a quiet goodbye,
and journey to the promised land…"
– Bring me no flowers, May 7 2006 -

Facing death changes us. In CK's case, his own desire for spiritual enlightenment has led him to seek peace in the Christian faith. And while fear and pain mark his daily life now, he continues to summon a sense of humour in his narratives. In "The Almighty and me", while he debates vociferously the idea of God particularly within the context of the hardships of his life and the painful death of his mother , he declares himself an "accidental" Buddhist due to an oversight by a nurse while registering his birth.

In "Fighting for my Life", he speaks of confronting Jesus Christ with his own forbidden fruit – a lighted cigarette – only to be faced with the Almighty's reprimand expressed in proverbial thunder and lightning. These touches of humour surface frequently throughout his writings and remind us that no matter how dire our lives might be or even in the face of death, we still have a choice to take it in
our stride, and become the Better Man for it.

In the many, many nights that CK had spent writing on his bed while his wife slept beside him, he may have never imagined that one day, he would see his entries in print. He wrote because he sought to write; he wrote because he had to. Unwittingly, he was also drawing an arc that linked his existence together in a way that is helping him to see himself clearly now. As we put this book together, he told me how, on re-reading his writings, he can see his life more clearly now and that he understands himself in a way he has never been able to understand himself before. He said this wonderingly as if surprised that the wisdom which he once sought outside of himself was now found, contained within his own words.

Liew Suet Fun
December 2008

(2) Introduction to Rumah Shalom ( Peaceful Home )

A little history goes a long way….

Rumah Shalom is a home for underprivileged children who come from broken families, many of them emotionally and physically abused. The home was established in 1997 with two children then.

Until today, their aim is for all children to be given the opportunity of a basic education regardless of their background, so that they can grow up to be responsible citizens. The home endeavour to provide parental care and education, teaching them self-worth to lead a productive life.

Today, Rumah Shalom needs to buy their own property because in the last 9 years of existence, they have moved from place to place due to tenancy problems as owners had opted to sell off their properties to take profit.

Some 180 needy children have passed through Rumah Shalom and some are doing well in life. And they believe it is time they buy a permanent home for these destitute children so as to provide them a more tangible program for their future.

Their current premise at No. 1 Jalan Teong 5, Bandar Puchong Jaya 47100 Puchong is up for sale for RM400,000. The owner is charitable enough and is willing to sell it below the market value. The building comes with four large rooms and three bathrooms. The built up area is 20 x 75 feet with an additional land area of about 3, 000 square feet.

This property is ideal for Rumah Shalom due to the following factors:

  • Spacious corner lot with 4 large rooms

  • Ample land in case for future extension

  • Beautiful playground in front

  • School is within walking distance for the children

  • Ample parking space for visitors. There were occasions when as many as 120

  • visitors called on the home at one time!

  • Good location & easily accessible to visitors

  • The back portion of the building has already been renovated into a dining hall

  • The house was recently properly fenced up by a social group

(3) Kindly also forward this appeal to your friends.

May the Almighty bless you with Good Health and Happiness !

Monday, December 01, 2008

Round Four : Here I come……

I was at the Tung Shin Hospital at 8:30AM today ( December 1st 2008) for my scheduled treatment. The objectives of today visit are :

• Blood Test to gauge my performance over the previous 6 weeks, and
• To received my 3rd Chemo therapy.

I did my blood test at 9:00AM. Despite all the side effects after my second chemo treatment, the result of the blood test showed very encouraging results. Firstly, all my blood cells counts are within the normal ranges. And, most important of all, my cancer marker drop from the previous 6000 point to 3,700 point ! An improvement of approximately 40 %. The physical examination by the doctor also hinted that the growth of the tumor is control or reduced in size. This means I am responding to the prescribed chemo drugs. So, what does that mean? Well, I can safely declared that I did managed to kick quite substantial butts of those cancer cells from my system, and in the process, I won ROUND THREE ! Lala lala lala……….

Sincerely, I would like to thank all my family members, friends, and Christian brothers & Sisters for their moral support, encouragements, and prayers. The Almighty is indeed mighty good to me. I praise my good lord Jesus Christ for being my Shepard to keep this misguided lamb under his protection.

So, Round Four, Here I come!

The Oncologist start my chemo drips at around 10:00Am and finished at 12:00 Noon. After that I was checked into the ward for rest and observation. The nurse measured my temperature – No fever detected, and temperature was normal. My blood pressure is within healthy measurement of 130 /80. On my weight, I actually gain 1 Kg over the previous measurement 3 weeks ago, I am now weighting at 78 Kg. So I am still physically very fit !

I check out from the ward at 6:30PM and managed to reach home at approximately 7:30PM. So, another day gone by. The next three weeks should be interesting for me coping with the unexpected, if there are any.

However, I do have an uneasy feeling that, the increasing numbers of chemotherapy is beginning to weaken my body. Within One hour after I completed my 3rd Chemo, I began to felt severe chest pain, according to the nurse, this side effect is probably due to “up-flush of gastric juice”. I don’t really know what it meant. But suffice to day, it is very uncomfortable. And my appetite is bad, I have problem eating the lunch and dinner provided by the hospital. As usual, I have to resort to fruits and the USANA liquid nutritional supplements to make sure my body is not unnecessarily stressed nutritional deficiencies.

So far, I have fought a good fight. And I do hope, I can maintain the stamina to manage my treatment regime effectively.

Overall, despite the good result from the hospital, but my body do felt very weak, and emotionally, I am negatively affected by the chest pains and other side effects that cropped out so fast unexpectedly. Whatever it is, over the next few days, I will find ways to minimize the unpleasant effects.

My Goddaughter, Dawn, who gave birth to a healthy baby boys two months ago, send me a few photos of my grandson. Isaac is such a cute and handsome baby. The photo cheered me up a lot. I hope I will have the opportunity to hold him in my arm soon…….

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Life with Cancer

The word, CANCER, is such a scary word. Through out the previous few months, friends and relatives who visited me, are always trying to be politically correct by not directly referencing my health condition as CANCER. For example, they will always be very careful with the choice of words such as “How are feeling today with your health condition?” “How is your Fight with the disease?” etc. etc. In a way, I am sort of getting use to all the politically correct terminologies. Honestly speaking, I know I have Cancer, and I accept the fact that it is a terminal disease. By not referencing the word Cancer is not going to change the outcome. As far as I am concern, I am no longer obsessed with the longitivity of life. For better or for worst, to live the remaining part of my life meaningfully, it is my obligation to ensure I live a Quality life. In this regard, I seek not sympathy for my unintended situation, but, I sincerely appreciate my friends and relatives can convert their sympathies into moral support. I do sincerely need all the moral support to fight and move on with life.

I have completed 2 rounds of chemotherapies. I am schedule to receive my 3rd chemotherapy treatment on this coming Monday. I did not encounter any problem after my first chemotherapy, but the second chemotherapy did give some surprises. After the second chemotherapy, I developed sore throat, ulcers in the tongue, dry palms, tingling sensation in my arm, loss of appetite, and chest pains. I do hope, after the 3rd chemotherapy, the side effects will be minimized and manageable. I do not look forward to this coming Monday’s treatment, but what choice do I have, it is part of the necessary actions in the recovery of my health. Whatever it is, I do hope the coming blood test qualify me to be medically fit to receive my 3rd chemotherapy.

As I mentioned in my previous journal entry that, cancer has changed my life, and it will never be the same again. Indeed, the previous few months has been a very difficult but enlightening experience.

Every morning, I wake up to the realization that, I have to live with that extra lump of protoplasm in my body. That protoplasm is not just any amoeba splitting and dividing at an exponential rate, but potentially a biological time bomb that will eventually consume me if my treatment regime failed. The more I tried to forget about my current negative health, the more I am being reminded of the fragility of life. Every morning, I wake up with abdominal pain and congested chest. Those nasty mutants do have a persistent way of trying to demoralize me with their nasty actions of inflicting consistent pains to my body, and fears into my mind. But I am still a logical sane man, to recover my health, I need to have stronger determination and faith in GOD of not allowing fears and physical pains to poison my mental well-being. I know where I stand in the great scheme that the Almighty designed for me, the mighty God will eventual make a way for me in the right direction to attain spiritual enlightenment to overcome my emotional fears and physical pains.

My niece gave me a new Bible with bigger print because I was struggling and having trouble reading the small print Bible. As I flipped through the pages of the new Bible, the following verses came out. :

“And he saith unto them, Because of your little faith: for verily I say unto you, if ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.” – Matthew 17:20.

I know, it is a long road ahead for me to win this battle against Cancer. But I have faith in the Almighty that eventually, I shall overcome this medical condition to claim my entitled victory. “My enemies (tumor) will retreat when I call to you for help, This I know: God is on my side” Psalm 56:9.

I can sense the presence of Almighty God around me. I know, he is cheering me on to have more faith in HIM. I shall.

I am here to live my life. Praise the Lord.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Round Three : The side effects

Looking at my notes, the combinations of drugs used for my chemotherapy are Gemcitabine, 5-fluorouracil, Oxaliplatin, and folinic Acid. I had my second chemotherapy on November 10th, 2008. Officially, I am now on the Nadir Point of my second Chemotherapy treatment. Nadir Point is the period during the 7th to 14th days after the chemotherapy where the body experience low blood counts. So, I guess, during this period, I am physically the weakest against infectious diseases.

During the first week, I did encountered some side effects such as ulcers on the tongue and sore throat. Luckily, the symptoms disappeared after a few days. However, since the previous few days, I had been troubled by other side effects such as dried palm, tingling sensation on my left arm, short of breath, and chest pain. I was advised to take more rest and drink more fluids to counter the side effects.

My back pains is now minimal, but the the abdominal pains is still irritatingly disturbing throughout the days. I do hope over the course of the next few chemotherapy sessions, the pains will go away.

I am still trying to cope with the loss of appetite. My taste bud has completely changed. I am resorting to taking small meals at regular and frequent interval, and USANA nutritional supplements to ensure my body is not stressed by malnutrition. I was told the loss of appetite is a temporary side effect and I will gain back my appetite after I completed all the chemotherapy session.

Overall, after the 2nd chemotherapy treatment, I do felt very weak physically and easily fatigued. I pray the Almighty will restore my strength and health soon. It is rather frustrating not able to control the pace of my daily activities.

By the way, I am in the process of compiling and publishing a book documenting my life and experiences dealing with cancer. I hope to complete the book before Christmas. I am self financing the publication of this book. For a start, 1000 copies will be printed. After deducting the costs of production, a portion of the “profit” will be donated to Pure Life Society's orphanage. If you are interested to purchase this book, please send me a email at

Now, back to reality. I know, cancer is a dreaded disease. But with modern medicine and God on my side, those mutant cancer cells had found a new enemy. The name of their enemy is Uncle Dalai Baru ! With heightened zest for life, and faith in spirituality, I am now more determined than ever to kick their butts and flush them out through my real orifice.

C'est La Via, this is my Life. Life is all that matter. I will celebrate life, live graciously, and live one day at a time. Like it or not, I will claim my victory against those nasty cancer cells, and have my last laugh........

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Round Three : A week that was…

It’s been a week since I received my chemotherapy. For those who have not experienced chemo treatments, it can be quite an emotionally exhaustive and depressing experience. Put it this way, the treatment room are full of cancer patients waiting for their turn to be injected with cancer drugs. I am already very weary of having needle poking into various part of my arm. There are varieties of expressions exhibited by the cancer patients. Although most of them tried their level best to showcase their positive and brave sides, but being a patient myself, looking through their eyes and body languages, I felt their senses of uncertainty and sadness of being entrapped into the unwelcome predicaments.

As mentioned in my previous blog entry, I received my chemo therapy on Monday morning, where a combination of drugs was intravenously pumped into my body. The session lasted about 2 hours. Everything went well, and I was discharged in the evening on the same day.

On the second day onward, in spite of my determination to be positive and look forward to the curative effects of the chemo, I developed sore throat and ulcers on the tongue. The new complications made food intakes extremely uncomfortable. In addition, I also encountered uncontrollable mood swings, where I find it difficult to control my emotions. I was hit by miserable emotions and was trying very hard to get out of it. I know, if I allow these negative emotions to consume me, it will ultimately affect my family members. To overcome these problems, I resorted to brush my teeth and rinse my mouth my Oral-B after every meals, as well as drinking a lot of liquid to hopefully “dilute” the infections in throat and tongue. I also keep myself alone and occupied with reading the Bible to keep my mind at ease. Miraculously, reading the Bible did restore calmness into my mind. Praise the Almighty for allowing me this luxury of mental escapism.

Thanks God, the sore throats and ulcers at the tongue disappeared on the fifth day. With regards to the unexpected moods swings, it is back to normalcy now. At least, for the time being, I am in control of my emotion, and my negative energy did not dissipate out to affect the emotional well being of my family members.

With regards to pain management, I had been out of pain killer for the last one week. My back pain is now randomly minimal, and my abdominal pain is also manageable now. I like to think of this as a good sign of recovery.

Whatever it is, I do realized; my current state of health had changed and turned my life up side down. I know, life will never be the same again. From now on, I will have to try my best to adapt to the new situation to make the best out of every new circumstance. It sounds like it is going to be a journey into the unknown, but I know, through the grace of the Almighty, these new challenges will eventually enriched and enlightened my life. I believe, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. HOPE and FAITH shall be my greatest medicine to overcome Cancer. At the end of the day, Life is always a philosophy of Mind over Matter, and I am now in the process of living it. I will always have a Strong mind to manage this small cancer matter !

At the moment, I do feel very tire. I am closing off this blog entry with a prose I wrote in November 2007:

Life's Journey?

to be alive for years,
yet when finality descends,
Would we be able to depart
with purpose accomplished?

We live the days,
as if death was nowhere.
We immortalized selfish agenda,
relentlessly pursuit wealth and power,
and seeking recognition of accomplishments.
there shall come a time,
we shall travel long and far,
to seek that distance glorious lights,
finding our way home
to Almighty's eternal paradise.

With a tired body in eternal rest,
and soul set free from this realm,
would we be able to bid farewell,
to all the people we once loved?
Would we be able to seek forgiveness
to all the people we once wronged?

The musicians fiddle the riddles.
Friends and loved one
whisper silent prayers.
Down into the darkness of grave.
Can we hear?
Can we feel?
Can we realize?
What fool we once were?

Monday, November 10, 2008

Round Three : The battle continues.....

Round Two officially end this morning. Who wins ? I think, after losing Round One, I am entitled to claim victory for Round Two. Because, I am still standing tall and physically, mentally, and spiritually able to proceed to the next round. My red blood cells, white blood cells, and palette counts are within optimum level. In fact, I even got a gut feeling that the tumor at the pancreas has reduce in size, because the pain at my back is more manageable now.

This morning, I went to Tung Shin Hospital at around 8:00AM, got my blood test done at 8:30AM, and finally started my next round of Chemotherapy around 11:00AM. The chemotherapy treatment last approximately two hours. I was later checked into the wad to rest and to have my weight, blood pressure, and temperature taken. Finally, I was checked out from the wad at around 5:10PM, and my wife drive me home from the hospital and I manage to reach home at around 6:00PM.

Talking about weight, over the past three weeks, I had manage to arrest my declining weight. Three months ago, I use to weight around 102kg, and the weight dropped to around 74kg three weeks ago. Over, I lost approximately 28kg of weight over a period of three months, that is equivalent to 62 lbs of weight ! But today, my weight has improved slightly to 77kg, an increased of 3kg over the previous 3 weeks. So, for the time being, I have one less worry in managing my recovery of health. I guess, Almighty God is responding to my prayers and slowly restoring my faith and confidence. Praise the Lord.

Coming to my tumor thingy, I think the reason I am inflicted with cancer is probably I am too rational and logical in life, to the extend of neglecting my spiritual obligations to the Almighty. I was basically too HARD for the Almighty to communicate to me. I guess, I deserved the punishments from the Almighty to soften me, and to make me realized how insignificant I am without spiritual enlightenment.

One thing for sure, for the next three week, I am going to win this Round Three. My strategy for this round is to have more focus on physical, mental, and spiritual areas. In terms of Physical well-being, I will continue my morning exercise, spend more times to beautify my garden, and maybe start another daily session of evening exercise. For mental well being, I guess the best medicine is laughter. I will have to laugh more often, watch more comedy movies, take things at more leisure level, and to complete shut myself off from office related issues. For spiritual well being, I have found a new reliance and paradise. I shall attend more church services, and read the holy book consistently to enlighten myself with words of God. I have complete faith in God to heal me and restore my health at his timing. Surprising thing is, since I accepted Lord Jesus Christ, I enjoys certain unexplained calmness and God's peace which my limited logical and rational mind can not explain.

Almighty God, gratefully, I thank you for your mercy, hearing, and answering my prayers. Well, whatever it is, Round Three has started. Here I am, I am going to fight a good fight.........

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Reflections : Mission almost accomplished.....

My son finally qualified to graduate from his Bachelor of Science program. I certainly look forward to attend his graduation ceremony in January 2009. He has also secured a job in a software development company, and will be starting his new job in mid November 2008.

I guess, the greatest joy of fatherhood is to see your children growing up, completing their college education, and starting their career. Hopefully, I can also have the opportunity to see them getting married, start a family of their own, and allow me the opportunity to hold my grandchildren on my lap.

Time flies. It seemed like only yesterday when I bottle feed my son, saw him crawl, standing up, taking the first step forward, etc. I can still remember his lovely, cute, and innocent smiles when he was a child. As a father, I had tried to devote all my responsibilities and commitments to caring for him and seeing to his needs. But there are also times during his early childhood where I was too busy to have time for him. But now, he has grown up, taller than me, and such a fine young man. Praise be with the almighty for blessing me with the opportunity to have the experiences of bringing up a child into adulthood. What a relief to see my son now having the capability to take the first step of adulthood in starting a career on his own. A father will always has hope for his son. Likewise, as a father, my only hope is, he can have the sensibility to maintain his health, work hard to develop his career, be responsible toward his family, and most important of all, has the wisdom to balance his time between family, friends, and career. Whatever it is, in order for him to develop his full potential, I have to learn to let him go to venture out on his own. I do hope, mentally, I am prepare to accept this reality and eventuality.

Since I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, my son has been trying hard to conceal his feelings. From a rebellious teenager, suddenly, he tried his level best to be responsive to me in a very awkward manner. Gone are all those immature and childlike behaviors. He has been trying to act tough, to grow up, and behaved like a responsible adult. Well, a father will always knows what is in his children's minds. I thank the Almighty for guiding my son to the right path. Honestly, seeing my son “growing up” is indeed a magical experience for me !

Is my responsibilities toward my son over ? Well, I guess as long as I still hold the last breath, my son will always be my responsibilities. The only different now is, I need to change my approach when dealing with him. Instead of giving him instructions on what to do like I used to, now it is more appropriate for me to act as his advisor, giving my opinions only when he requested them. And to have my door open for him whenever he needs me in a supporting role. Perhaps, maybe it is the right time for him to slowly take over his financial responsibilities such as paying for his car installments, insurance premiums, etc.

As a father, I know, his time will come, he will be successful in his own right and at his own terms. I do hope I can live long enough to see the day and share the joy of his success with him. But I also know, cancer is a terminal disease, and I do have doubt of my availability when the time comes. Whatever it is, I will fight with determination and discipline to restore my health. I will always be there for him, and I will not let him down. The almighty has given the greatest gift of my life, and I know, he Almighty will also grant me the opportunity to pass my parents' wisdom to my son, and cherish his accomplishment in the future.

I look forward to the day when he no longer need me anymore. Because, when that happen, I know, he will be a man of his own, ready to move on with his life, and my mission accomplished.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Reflections : The Almighty & Me....

I was born in a Taoist family in Taiping, Malaysia. Through the mistake of the nurse at the government hospital, I was registered as a Buddhist in my birth certificate. My parents, being less educated, was not aware of the administrative mistake. So, here you go, I became a Buddhist Taoist.

During my early childhood, it doesn't really bother me what religion I belonged to. Because I never learn how to pray and bother about the ritualistic procedure of offering prayers to the various deities and ancestor worshiping. All I ever remember is, during the first day of Chinese New Year, I followed my late mother to all the Taoist temple in town. My mother, being a very religious person, pray to whatever “God” she came into contact with. There are occasions, she pray to Mother Mary, the deities at the Hindu temples, etc. So, from very young age, I am exposed to various religions.

Due to the fact that, both my parents are not educated, I never came across any Buddhism or Taoism text in my house them. So, the practice of religion is basically via oral history and by observing the rituals performed by my late mother during certain Taoist ceremonies. The only religious chant I ever learned is “Namo Amithaba”. Along the way, I also learned to remember the birthrate of the deities, anniversary date for offering prayer to ancestors, all souls day, and the passing over of winter.

As a Taoist, I learned to use the correct number of joss sticks when offering prayer to the deities and ancestors. I carry on with my parents' “religious traditions” right to the present day where I set up special altars in my home to pay respect to Tor Pek Kong ( Hokkien God of Prosperity), Kuan Yim ( Godess of Mercy), Chai Kong ( the Beggar monk), Teh Chu Kong ( The landlord deity), and the ancestor altar for my late parents.

The reality of my spirituality at this stage is basically quite simple. I believe in the existence of various sages and deities. For example, the Jade Emperor is the supreme deity that control the Heaven, the Nine Emperors God is the deity that control the sea, etc.

In terms of Buddhism, Buddha never claimed to be a God or prophet. He is basically a great teacher of human philosophy specializing in the truth of life. Taoism, on the other hand, according to my understanding, is basically teaching the moral values of family and society. So these two religions formed my fundamental understanding of spirituality and religions.

At a very young age, I ventured into Canada to receive my so called modern western education. So, I do believed, my informal religious familiarization during my early childhood and tertiary education shaped me to be a religiously open minded and rational person rather than a spiritual man.

As I grow older, there is also a deep sense of urge within me to the realization that my rational ( physical ) well being is actually depended on my spiritual well being. The 2 contrasts of faith and reason at times, does spiraled me into unexplained hallucinations. There are times, in my dreams, I had conversations with ganapathy, chaikong, torpekkong, etc. I even saw the manifestation of Kuan Yim in the form of Clouds formation. Perhaps, this is a form of escapism from my mind to temporary shut out the conflicting values to eliminate unnecessary mental stress.

I had never take spirituality as a critical factor in life. I perceived spirituality as an irrational science. Frankly, I find it difficult to reconcile spirituality with logical deduction. For me to live meaningfully and productively in this life, it is better for me to adapt to the physical habitat, with both feet on the ground, and adopt a practical lifestyle to survive. I can never find justification to have blind faith in something that I can not physically and logically justify. Does that made me anti-God or an unbeliever ? On the contrary, my secular outlook can be at times oxymoronic. The bottom line is, as much as I am logically rational about my approach in life, I also happen to believe in the existence of the Almighty, and the need for a more holistic life by embracing spirituality. My personal feeling is, between faith and reason, I had yet to be enlightened to have the elusive knowledge to understand spirituality using my limited knowledge of physical science. Eventually, all roads lead to Rome. I do believe, as I age, there shall be a sentimental path laid out for me by the Almighty to seek my salvation in spirituality.

"Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." John 20:29

I do personally believe in miracle, but for miracle to materialize, I need to have strong faith in spirituality. But I will not indulged in blind faith in seeking miracles. For example, if I am sick, I would consult a medical doctor and take the prescribed medications, at the same time, complement modern medicine with prayer to God for speedy recovery. It would be illogical for me to refuse medical treatment by depending solely on prayers alone to seek restoration of health.

I am, after all, a logical man seeking enlightenment to be accepted in an increasingly illogical world. I had accepted Lord Jesus Christ as my savior, and also converted to Christianity. I sincerely pray to the almighty to grant me the grace and wisdom to understand spirituality and the truth of life.

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Reflections : My hope.....

When you realized that finality of life is not too far away, and like a game of cards, you are about to show hand, what would occupy your mind while awaiting that elusive road to take you home ? I guess, I would hope that the road that eventually lead you home is not a rough and torturous one, that it would be a smooth and painless passage with flowers on both sides. Of course, I must also have the faith to believe that everything will work out at the end of the day, that I will be healthy again, and live life happily ever after. See, despite all the fear for death or uncertainty, I do have a great sense of humors.

My sister sent me this little prayer...... “Father, thank You for Your calling on my life. I seek Your Complete Healing, strength, favor, and anointing. Free me from this cancer curse. Wash me clean with the blood of Christ. Others will come to know Jesus through my witness. In His name. Amen.” Well, I pray hard. But I also believe in helping myself by having faith in modern medicine. Sometimes, I do wonder, if the Almighty is so all knowing, all loving, and all powerful, why did he allow human being to suffer unnecessarily ? This is tthe part of spirituality I still find it difficult to comprehend.

Of late, I had also been thinking about my family. Would life be ever the same again in the event that the good lord decides to call me home ? Would they be strong enough to face the challenges ahead ? I do hope the Almighty grant them the grace and courage to love and be loved in this wonderful world, and move on with life.

As a man, I am no different compare to others. I am after all, also a common man with simple hope and aspiration. I love my family. They are my hope, my joy, and my sense of being. As a father, I hope my son will have a good career, marries a good woman, and have a happy family of his own. I also hope my 2 daughters have good husbands who will honour, respect, and give them the comfortable home. As for my wife, I hope she can continue to receive the blessings of the Almighty to live a comfortable life.

Come to think of it, maybe I was chosen to be inflicted with this illness because I am mentally, emotionally, and physically the strongest in the family. That, I am strong enough in all aspects to shoulder and withstand the difficulties ahead. If this is the criteria that made me the chosen one, then so be it. But I do hope the Almighty spared my siblings and family members from being inflicted with this dreaded disease again, ever.

My recent encounters of managing my health problem also made me realized that, it is indeed a very expensive affair to fall sick. I was indeed very lucky to be able to afford this expensive health care, but to average Malaysian, I doubt most of them will be as lucky as me. I do hope, there will be greater awareness and research into chronic and terminal diseases, to bring down the costs of treatment, and make it affordable to everybody. Of course, I also hope, in the not so distant future, chronic and terminal disease will be completely wipe off from the face of this earth, where humanity will no longer have to suffer from these unkind illnesses and diseases.

Whatever it is, I have faith in myself to regain my health. I know tomorrow will be a better day. I will claim my victory tomorrow, and one day at a time. On the other hand, I will also pray hard and stand ready to receive miracles.

Life goes on, and that's life................

人 生 自 古 誰 無 死, 留 取 丹 心 照 汗 青

Since time immemorial, which mortal man doesn't dies ? I shall leave behind my deeds and sincerity be the sparkles of history.......

Friday, October 31, 2008

Reflections : Life with Cancer

When I was told that I had cancer at the pancreas, my mind went blank. I refused to believe, in a state of denial, and at the same time in silent despair. Words simply can not describe how I felt over the next few days. For the first time in my life, I never felt so alone and helpless. For the first time in my life, in the quietness of the night, when I was alone, I cried.

I realized, I must come to term with the reality. I still need to be the pillar for my family. I simply cannot allow my weaknesses and negative emotions affect the emotional well beings of my wife and children. Life must go on, I must be strong for them, and that's life.

I know this is a beginning of a tough journey to restore my health. Whether I overcome this illness or not, one thing for sure, life would never be the same again for me. I pray to the Almighty to give me a second chance to restore normalcy to my life.

I count my blessing that during my times of difficulties, my relatives and friends rallied to support me. I felt so lucky to have my family showering me with prayer, care, concern, and love. It is also during this period that I discover my inner strength to confront and manage my health problem. I am proud of myself for the courage and rationality to face the consequent with objectivity. At the same time, on the day to day basis, I also felt a very strange calmness within me in dealing with pains, anxieties, and uncertainties. I know, the Almighty has sent his angels to surround me and guide me through my time of difficulties. He makes way for me when everything seemed so hopeless. I praise the Almighty for his grace and generosity. Putting rationality aside, I know, I must now also have greater faith in the Almighty.

Over the previous two week, I had also felt the miraculous power of the Almighty. I am humbled by the good blessings he bestowed on me. I have not seen Lord Jesus, But I BELIEVE he will guide me to embrace a new purpose in life, and to be a better man.

In the past, I had been arrogant in dealing with matter before me. I had always look at life at the my own perspective, at my own convenient, and my own interpretation of rationality. Between faith and reason, spirituality has always been the last of my priority. In this regard, on my bended knee, I humbly seek forgiveness from the all loving Almighty and Lord Jesus Christ.

October 28th 2008 shall be a very meaningful day for the rest of my life. On this day, I accept and surrender myself to Lord Jesus Christ. This shall also be a new beginning for me to acquire new wisdom in life, and new determination to heal my body and soul.

I know, it is going to be a long road ahead in my quest to regain my health. Come what may, I will face the best of times, and the worst of times with courage and positivities. I know, with greater control of my mind, and stronger faith in spirituality, I shall overcome. That's life.......

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Round Two : My hour glass ?

Yesterday, I had a very eerie dream. In my dream, I saw a female ghost walking into my house. The ghost is about 4 feet tall, long hair, and dressed in grayish black robe. Are all ghosts supposed to look as scary as this ? I summon all my inner strength, shouted as loud as possible, asking the ghost to leave. I told the ghost that if she had a score to settle with me, please settle it with me, and stop coming to my house to disturb my family members. And POOOHHHHH... she just disappeared! My God, am I slowly losing control over my state of sanity ?

The past one week has been predictably mild and quiet. After the chemo treatment, my body immune system is at its weakest. I was advised to stay indoor and avoid crowded places. Luckily, I was not infected with any infectious disease such as flu, cold, etc.

The intensity of the pains at my abdominal and back is getting more frequents and severely uncomfortable. Now, I had to resort to pain killer to contain the dissipation of pains to my whole body. For the past few days, I had been in a very drowsy state dozing off on the lazy chair. I hope the situation will improve over the next few days. It is frustrating to be unproductive and slowly losing control of your body.

My appetite for food is still very bad. Probably the previous regime of medication has destroyed my taste buds. There is simply no urge to eat any food that is presented to me, and every time I took a bite, I felt like throwing out. But I also realized I need to take sufficient red meat and protein to build up my red blood cells to prepare for the next chemo treatment. I will think of something to arrest this problem later.

My wife ordered a range of Eusana herb products to compliment my chemo treatment. Due to my experience with the previous alternative treatment, I now have phobia for tablets and capsules. Looking at those bottles of medication, not again ! Well, whatever it is, I got to stay calm, and stay cheerful.

This evening, the kind people from the DUMC church arranged by Pastor Gan is taking me to the church for healing prayer. I do hope spirituality can provide me the moral boaster. Whatever it is, it is my obligation to prepare my mind, body, and spirit to the highest level to launch holistic counter attacks against the those uninvited nasty looking cancer cells in my body.

Honestly, looking forward, I don't really know how much sands is left in the hour glass. Unpredictable as it may, I will take life one day at a time, look forward to many more days to come. Come what may, I will have to face the worst of times and the best of times.

Dad & Mom, I am very tired..........

Sunday, October 26, 2008

The real Dalai Baru

This is the latest photograph of Dalai Baru after Chemotherapy. So, do I look like a sicked cancer patient to you ? To all those cancer mutant cells, I am going to kick your butts and give you a real fight.......

Friday, October 24, 2008

Memories from my childhood

When I was at the age of 10 years old back in the 70's, the environment made me an independent boy ahead of my age. My father was a very hardworking vegetable seller, he went to work at 5:00AM in the morning, and came back around mid night, 7 days a week, 365 days a years. His only break is the first day of Chinese new year. My mother, who never attended a single day of formal education, is a full time housewife. Both my parents are burdened with the heavy responsibilities of taking care of 10 children.

At those young age, as with any boys or girls, I do have my desires and envied those “lucky boys and girls” that are showered with with all those extras and luxuries by their parents. However, I do realized, times are difficult for both my parents, they already tried their level best and sacrificed to give their best to the family.

It is tough to be born into a poor family...... But in a way, it is also a blessing to be born into a poor family, because, in those day, we may be poor financially, but we are rich in survival instinct !

I have learned not to further burdened my parents with unnecessary requests or needs. To earn extra pocket money, sometimes I walked to the village wet market to solicit for small job early in the morning or after school. Sometimes, they paid me 20 to 50 cents for 1 or 2 hours of work, and sometimes they offered me a bowl of noodle as wages. In those day, one bowl of noodle costs 40 cents. I do feel very proud to be able to earn my own bowl of noodle.

I remembered, when I was in Standard Four in a primary school in Kampung Boyan, I was troubled by toothache for a few days. I knew then, complaining my pains to my mother is only going burden her with extra anxiety. In order to get free dental treatment, I went to the school's headmaster, ask him for a letter of reference to the Taiping General Hospital's dental clinic. I walked from the school in Kampung Boyan to the General Hospital, managed to find my way to the dental clinic. To cut a long story short, the dentist successfully extract my decayed tooth. Praised me for my bravery. He even commented to me that one day I will become a great man (Orang Besar). Yah, I am indeed an Orang besar now – I am a grown man Now !

I will write about my other childhood memories in some other times. Until then, good night.......

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Memories of my childhood....

I attended my primary school education at the Hokkien Association in Taiping. My father used to send me to school using his old and bulky "man" bicycle........

I imitated my elder brother by holding big firecracker between my fingers and exploded it. The end result is, I end up having a split thumb......
As a young boy, I used to fish at the river behind my house. In one "accident", I end up having the fish hook stucked in my foot. My mother have to take me to the general hospital to remove the hook.....
As a young boy, I used to run around the village road in Pokok Asam in our famous "blue colour rrussian pants" chasing after snapped kites........

I once broke my hand trying to outrun all my brothers to be the first one to reach the Indian bread vendor...

My late father love to watch me doing the cha cha dance over a glass of Guiness Stout....

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Round Two : After the first Chemo

22nd October 2008

I did not have a good night sleep last night because the pain at abdominal and back was quite unbearable. I woke up at around 2:30AM, and was lying on the bed staring at the ceiling waiting for morning to come. No matter how hard I tried, sleep just won't come.

At around 5:00AM, I on my notebook to surf the net, checking and replying emails, and other stuffs I normally do on the net. As usual, At around 6:00AM, I go for my morning walk in the park and came back around 7:00AM.

Today, I guess is not really not a good day for me. Firstly, I am tired due to lack of sleep, and secondly, I don't seem to have appetite for foods even though I am hungry. And the pain at the abdominal area is getting really unbearable. Taking the painkiller will put me in a drowsy mood, and I want to be in control of myself. In fact, I am in a bit of foul moods just wanting to let go my frustration on anybody that is within my vicinity. But I guess I have to control my emotion in order not to let my negative energy disrupt the harmony of the environment.

I do ask myself why I have to suffer from this dreaded disease. But I guess it is meaningless to query the unknowns. God has given me a life, it is also his prerogative to take back this life. But whatever it is, I am nt going to pitified myself over spilled milk, I will have to be strong for myself and family members to overcome whatever difficulties that may arised in the near future.

The rest of the day are monotonous and boring, I just don't know how to pass my time today, perhaps, I am too moody today.

The only good news I received today is, when my son show me a letter from the college that he qualified for graduation in the B. Sc ( hons) program. At least now I have one less financial burden and look forward to see this young man start a new career and a life of his own.

Oh yah, I also forgot to mention that, my God daughter gave birth to a healthy baby boy last week. Due to my current health condition, I have not been able to visit my God Daughter and my “grandson” yet. Anyway, I am very happy that Almighty God gave a new life and a new hope to my family. I look forward to hold my “grandson” on my lap......... At 48 years old, and I already have a grandson !

Despite all the setbacks, life is, after all not so bad. At least, I still have a healthy, happy, and supportive family.

I do hope tonight I can have a good night sleep.......................

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Round Two : Monday blues.....

My wife and two personal friends accompanied me to Tung Shin Hospital on Monday morning. The chemotherapy session started at 9:00AM and finished at 11:00AM, after which I was checked into the ward room at 11:30AM to rest. I was discharged at 4:30PM after settling all the hospital bills. As usual, Traffic in Kuala Lumpur, followed by Federal Highway, were a bit congested. I managed to reached home slightly before 7:00PM.

Prior to start of the treatment session, I was a bit nervous and in a state of unsure mind because I have heard a lot of scary stories of the side effects and success rate of chemotherapy from various sources. There are friends who strongly advised me against chemotherapy, some advised me go for surgical options, and some advised the various options of chemotherapy. Admittedly, I was overload with information from many well intended friends which cause my indecisiveness. At the end of the day, rationality has to prevail, I consulted medical professional, and was advised to proceed with Chemotherapy immediately.

The chemotherapy session took slightly more than 2 hours where a combination of drug was dripped intravenously via my right arm. I don't feel much discomfort throughout the session, except some numbness and coldness in my right arm.

Throughout the day, I was a bit tired. Probably due to the fact that formula of medications are working its way to destroy all the good and bad cells in the body. For the next 7 days or so, my immune system will be down. I was advised to take complete rest, drink a lot of water, and not to have too many visitor for fear of infectious diseases.

My next appointment will be three week from now. Until then, I will have to manage it from here, and hopefully, no complications arise. But today, a day after the chemo treatment, I feel lousy.........

I checked my mailbox today, I had not been reading my mails for the past two weeks, and there are thousands of emails in my mailbox. Most of them are probably junk mails. But I found one mail from my brother. My brother send me this Youtube video clip. It is very soothing and spiritually motivating. Thank you brother.

God will make a way,
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way.

By a roadway in the wilderness, He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
He will do something new today.

God will make a way,
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way

Om mani pedme hum.....................

Friday, October 17, 2008

Round Two : the lighter side of God....

Yesterday, I consulted an Oncology at Tung Shin Hospital, and made preparation and paperwork for admission the following Monday to start my Chemotherapy. I had a light lunch with my wife and a personal friend in Petaling Jaya. After lunch, I went to DUMC in Section 13 to see a Pastor friend, Pastor Gan. The kind pastor provide me some spiritual advises, pray for me, and at the same time ask me to also pray to Lord Jesus anytime at home.

Towards later part of the day at around 4:00PM, I decide to go outside the small garden of my house to do some light exercise. The sky is a bit gloomy and looks like it is going to rain soon. Looking upward at the sky, suddenly I was reminded of Pastor Gan's advise of offering prayer to Lord Jesus.

So, looking upward at the sky, my prayer goes like this : “ Lord Jesus, I surrender myself to you, tell me what should I do next ?.......

For a moment, there is no special feelings, changes in environment, or whatever extraordinary spiritual phenomena occurred. I told myself, well, who am I to ask the Mighty Lord Jesus to manifest his answer to me. I pause for a moment, took out a cigarette, lighted it, and took a deep puff. Immediately after I blow out a puff of smoke, suddenly there is a flash of lightning from the sky, followed by a series of loud thunders !

Wow, that was a mighty powerful message !!! Whoever up there must be pretty funny and have a good sense of humor.

Om Namo Amithaba Buddha

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Round Two : beginning of another challenge.....

Yesterday's blood test result does not meet my first treatment regime's objective of bringing down the cancer markers readings. I realized, when dealing with cancer, I simply does not have the luxury of time to prolong this alternative treatment. I must now consider another new strategy to counter the cancerous cells. However, all efforts incurred during the first treatment regime are not wasted. At least, it miraculously solved my WPW syndrome. I sincerely like to thank my “medicine man” for curing my WPW syndrome.

Coming back to the cancer treatment, I revisited all my options again taking into considerations of my family members' advises and opinions. As it is, I realized, the tumor is too large to be surgically removed, and it involved too many complications and risks. Therefore, for the time being, surgical procedure is not the best option.

I had also consulted an Oncologist and was recommended to go for 6 rounds of chemotherapy and radio therapy to reduce the size of the tumor. After which, If the size f the tumor is reduced, I will have to make a decision to consider surgical removal. The chemotherapy will be administered once every three weeks. One session of the chemotherapy will costs approximately RM 5,000. The first session is scheduled on Monday. So “Round Two” would probably costs me another RM 30,000.

I never have any experiences dealing with chemotherapy, and I have also heard of many scary stories on the side effects of chemotherapy. Whatever it is, if this is the necessary obstacles I have to go through, then so be it. The best I can do now is to mentally prepare myself to be ready for these unpleasant eventualities, if there are any.

It has been an eventful three weeks for me. Whatever decision I am going to make, I have to take into considerations of the feelings and wishes of my family members. To decide on adopting chemotherapy is also an extremely difficult decisions. I do sincerely hope my family members and friends can support this latest decision of mine.

I also realized, while I can do whatever that is humanly possible to fight against this disease, the outcome is still very much depend on the grace of the one and powerful Almighty. In this regards, I submit and surrender myself to him. I pray that, he will make a way for me in my quest to rid cancerous cells from my body.

Please do continue to pray for me............

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The fight is still on.... Round One Revisited.

I got my blood test result today. Sad to note that, the readings for cancer markers actually gone up. So, looks like I lost Round One. Well, as in a boxing match, there are still 14 more rounds to go, unless I am prematurely KO before the bell ring. Whatever it is, I will give those funny mutants a fight, and I will never allow myself to be floored.

Frankly, I am a bit disappointed with the blood test result. But, I know, I have not lost the battle yet. It is still a long road ahead. The mutants have managed to fell a little tree in my garden, but I still have a forest behind me. I will have to quickly revisit my strategy over the next 24 hours, and revised my “business plan” to counter attack those stubborn mutants in my body. I will find a way to condition myself to win.

For the next few hours, I will ex-communicate myself, find a quiet place to seek peace within, and to re-energize my mind and body. Perhaps, I need also to seriously look into spiritual guidance to make sense of my present perspective.

Although I am already a salmon on reverse journey home, but to allow the mutants to force me to abandon my journey in mid-stream is not my destiny. I shall overcome this little setback, I know, I will.

So, Round Two, HERE I COME.

Om Namo Amithaba Buddha...... Om Vajrapani Hum...

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The fight is still on.... Round Two.

Finally, I completed my treatment regime yesterday. I went for the blood test today. Hopefully, the result will be out tomorrow or Thursday. Looking back, during the last 19 days, I consumed 22 bottles of medications, on vegetable and fruit juices diets, and strictly no animal fat, sugar, etc. In the process, I lost another 10 Kg of weight, I am now 75kg. Comparing with my previous weight of 100+ Kg, that is a substantial weight lost. I have never consumed so much medicine and lost so much weight in my entire life. Can I count it as an achievement ? That funny fella up there does indeed has a great sense of perverted humors.

For the next few days, I am on “medical holiday”. That means, no medications for the next few days. I am beginning to have phobia for medicine. Whatever it is, I will wait for my blood test result before I commit myself to any treatment decision. Hopefully, I don't have to go through another round of treatment regime.

I missed my favorite foods and beverages. Talking about beverages, I really missed my favorite cup of hot coffee. It has been more than 2 months since I last have a sip of coffee........

Coffee prayer

Almighty Coffee,
thy aroma drives me crazy.
Where art thou shall lead me ?
The road ahead is, but insanity.
With addicted stupidity,
how can I tell me where it will be ?

Caffeine, oh caffeine,
how can I understand thee ?
What is, is not what seemed to be.
Let the world hurried by,
let the world stand still.
I am,
elusively what I seemed not to be.
The desires to be intoxicated by thee,
does in fact pleases my senses,
of not to be, and yet seemingly be.

I know,
I may not have knowledge of the road ahead.
Carpe diem !
With a sip of your greatness,
you deliver the sereneness to my senses,
to be at peace with myself for the time being,
to soothe my fears and troubles alone.
Tomorrow shall come, but let it be.

From here, with a cup of thee,
Tell me, is there eternity ?
Answer me not,
for the answer lies within me.
With my bended knee,
I am, but Saint Coffee !

On Namo Amithaba Buddha...... Om Vajrapani Hum...

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Another week gone by, looking back....

Today is Sunday, as usual, I had my daily “morning walk” for about an hour, then came back home to start my first oral medication at 7:00AM. My daily schedule for medication is 7:00AM, 9:00AM, 10:00Am, 11:00AM, 1:00PM, 3:00PM, 7:00PM, 8:00PM, and 10:00PM. Today is the 18th day of my treatment regime.

My abdominal pains has ease slightly, but my back pain is still persistently uncomfortable. I do hope this discomfort can ease off over the nest few days. I am still optimistic that the situation will improve in due course. I just have to believe and have faith in whatever I do now.

Reflecting on the week that was, I do realized, my decision to adopt alternative treatment is not well accepted by some of my family members. My sister sent me a strongly worded email day before yesterday asking me not to be so stubborn to refuse immediate surgical procedure to remove the tumor. She also reminded me of how my mother died of cancer. To her, alternative medicine is hocus pocus and unscientific. I respected her opinion, I know she loves me very much, and do not want to see me suffer from cancer without proper evidence based medical treatment. Over the past few weeks, everybody have gave me advises and suggestion, I know, all of them meant well and care for my well being. But I am responsible for my own life, I have made my decision based on facts available to me. I will definitely review my decision on what other best options to pursue taking into consideration of my present treatment's progress. One thing sure, I will fight to win, and I will not give up easily. I valued life and I will not let anybody down.

Honestly, the memories of how my mother passed away is indeed the most painful memories of my life. I saw how her well built body was slowly destroyed and frailed by cancer. My mother passed away 15 years ago, but as I go through this dreaded illness, everyday, I am reminded of her sufferings and painful memories. I definitely do not want my loved one and family members go through this emotional experiences again.

Occasionally, with the finality of death hanging over your head, I do experience a lot of pressure dealing with my daily life. Believe me, it is not an easy stuff of self motivation of staying cheerful and positive. Whatever it is, I will not allow the negative energies of pains and uncertainty dissipate out to affect the emotional well being of my wife and children. I know, from now on till I win my battle, I have to held my head high to fight this disease with dignity. I believe, when there is a will, there is a way. I shall willed myself to seek all available resources to confront and seek the best curative actions. Letting death becoming me is definitely not an option. My time is not up yet !

Next Tuesday, I will go for my blood test to measure my performance. The pathological result will probably be out on Thursday. Until then, I will take one thing at a time, and decide my next course of action then.

On Namo Amithaba Buddha...... OmVajrapani Hum...

Friday, October 10, 2008

Another day gone by, looking forward....

Today is the 16th day of my treatment regime. I have lost counts of how many tablets or capsules of medication I consumed on daily basis. Probably around 40 to 50 a day ! These medications taste horrible. I guess that is the price I got to pay for not keeping a healthy lifestyle and diet. If I ever get well again, I will make sure I will keep my body in good physical condition.

I had been also suffering from Wolff-Parkinson-White Syndrome for many years, where there is an accessory pathway in my heart that produce undesirable pulses. The doctor once did told me that I run the risk of sudden death. This syndrome has been a cause of unpleasant emotional burden to me for many years. The surprising thing is, the heart specialist ran a test on me about a week ago, and confirmed that I am already cured of Wolff-Parkinson-White Syndrome ! What a miracle. Perhaps, all the kind prayers by family members and friends touched the grace of the Almighty. I guess, the Almighty did love me. I also want to thank my “medicine man” for prescribing the right alternative treatment for me over the previous two weeks.

Coming back to my tumor, I do hope the current regime of alternative treatment worked this time, and I also hope the Almighty can grant me another miracle. Anyway, I should know the result by mid next week. Whatever it is, I will shoulder on with the right diets and schedule for medications. They said, God only helps those who help themselves. In this regards, I have to have faith and fully committed to this treatment regime. Whatever it is, I leave it to the Almighty to decide the outcome and the curative actions that are needed in the future.

Time flies, I had been “out-of-work” for approximately 2 months now. I am now having a very unhealthy financial position and I am running on “Overdraft” facility now. It is indeed an expensive affair to fell sick. Money don't fall down from heaven, I need to get back to work as soon as possible. Hopefully, by end of next week, I should be in better physical condition to look into and manage my financial position.

Coming back to my physical health, I do believe, the long rest and medication has done me a lot of good. In spite of the frequent abdominal and back pain, I am actually more alert and healthier. Of course, I do suffered from frequent frustrations and occasional negative feelings dealng with the ups and downs, but I have come to term with this new reality, and I am coping well. Whatever it is, I shall overcome.

That's life.............


人生如夢 ?
應該不是吧 ?

人生就如一杯咖啡 !

你有体验和品尝過什么 ?

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

老婆, 谢谢你

老婆, 谢谢你.



老婆, 我非常感谢你!

Another day gone by, what be ?

What a blessing to wake up alive in the morning ! The morning air is indeed refreshing.

For the past two weeks or so, I have been waking up at 5:30AM in the morning, and have approximately one hours of morning walk around the park to “sweat it out”. And at 7:00AM, have my first dosage of medications. The rest of the day are pretty much the same on hourly medications. The diet and medications have done me a lot of good. At least, I am now not overweight, my skin is now more radiant, and physically I am more healthier than before. I must now have more faith in myself and the treatment regime.

Emotionally speaking, I think I have had my fair share of ups and downs over the previous few weeks. There are just simply too much anxieties, worries, sense of helplessness, fear of death, and whatever negativities that came along. And occasionally, my mind just went blank and drifted into endless loops of recursions over nothings. The fear of unknowns and the lack of control are indeed new experiences for me.

All my whole life, I always have reasonable control in everything I want to do. But this tumor thingy is creating a lot of uncertainty on everything. I am also beginning to have growing uncomfortable abdominal and back pains. I don't really know whether the medication is really working as in “healing crisis” or the general situation is taking a turn at the wrong direction. The mind is indeed a dangerous playground. If you have too much idle time and let your mind wondering around, you may end-up worrying about a lot of unnecessary probabilities which are of no benefits. But that was pretty much my recent state of mind. I guess if you put your mind onto a collision course with the fear of death, you will eventually end up consumed by the that stupid fear and earned yourself a place in history as a coward. I am born a hero, if I have to go down, I will go down as hero of my choosing.

Whatever it is, I did not asked to be inflicted with this dreaded illness. I know, it is a common disease of modern lifestyles. I Just need to stay mentally strong by observing some basic lifestyle changes and have faith in the medications.

Frankly, I am not an overly emotional man, but, words, are difficult to describe my difficulties at times like this. But I also realized I had come a long way from overcoming many difficult situations before, perhaps, any other difficult situation that are going to come by would not be that difficult after all. I got to stay positive and fight this battle. I know, eventually, with proper management of mind, medications, and spirituality, I will win this battle. I simply can not let my family down.

I am after all, a rational being. Therefore, instead of letting my emotion stray wild on negativities, I better take control of myself to stay positive, and manage the situation as rational as possible. The Almighty has blessed me with great fighting spirits, this, my friends, shall be my greatest weapon to win.

C'est La Vie, you only live once, Carp Diem ! The rest, I leave it to the Almighty to dictate.

Om Namo Amithaba Buddha...................

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Another day gone by, but more frustrations....

Today is my 13th day of alternative medication regime. Sad to discover that the medication was supplied short to me since few days ago. In another word, I had already run out of some medications. Although I paid in advance for the full course of the medication, but some of the medications are supplied to me in less than the required quantity.

My wife had been trying to contact the “medicine man” to replenish the medicines, but he was always too busy to fulfill his part of the obligation of delivering full course medication to me. Prior to starting the treatment regime, I was told that, in order for the medications to be effective, I need to follow strictly to the schedule, but how do I comply to the schedule when the medication are supplied short to me ? I guess, in the event the treatment produce no significant result, the “medicine man” can always blame me for not following strictly to the regime.... Silly me, there is always a catch-22 situation for failure !

Looking at the situation, I don't have a good feeling this alternative treatment is going to work. Maybe it is advisable abandon this alternative treatments, and to revert to conventional and more trustworthy medicines of surgery and chemotherapy.

Well, two weeks wasted.......... as usual, I am a bit frustrated....