Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Day 4 at Aenon....

Time flies, this is my fourth day at Aenon Health Farm. I had my usual fruit juice for breakfast, attended cooking class, and presentation on nutritions. After 3 days of fasting, I break my fast at lunch by taking a quarter bowl of potato soup. The soup smelled good, I really wanted to finis the whole bowl because I was really hungry ! But my taste bud or appetite failed me again. I just found it difficult to finish the bowl of delicious soup. What a waste !!!

I received my blood test result this afternoon. Overall, all the indicators are within the normal range with the exception of thte CA Marker. As compared to my previous blood test about three weeks ago, my CA marker has dropped another 20%. So, I think I am on the right track where the marker is showing a decreasing trends.

Tomorrow will be my last day at Aenon. So, have I really benefited from this short stay ? Or, rather what have I learned from this short stay ? I guess, the kind people at the farm keep emphasize to me that, the only way to stay healthy and to recover my health is to stay with plant based diet, refrained from animal based food, and do not take processed or refined food ! In another word, be a disciplined vegetarian ! In addition, the health farm also preach the philosophy of holistic personal health management by adopting “New Start” - Nutrition, Exercise, Water, Sun, Temperance, Air, Rest, and Trust in God. I really have nothing to lose, I might as well gave this philosophy a try after I checked out from Aenon.

Day 4 at Aenon is just like the day before – predictable and easy going, no pressure , and having the luxury of living life as it is, in fact, I think I am beginning to like this kind of life style. Towards the evening, I sneaked out to visit the town centre. I went to the famous Tan Kim Hock Specialty Store to buy some foods and souvenir items, but the store was closed at 7:00pm. So no luck. I went to Jonker Street, but was told that, the street is only open for trading on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Again, I ran out of luck to shop for specialty items. AT the end, I went to Mahkota Shopping centre and Pahlawan shopping centre, but didn't find anything of interest. I came back to the Health farm at around 10:00pm where the medical assistant bandaged me with the usual nightly “Charcoal Pad” at my pancreas area to reduce the pain.

I did not really have a good night sleep yesterday, but did manage to catch good naps after breakfast. I felt so much better today compared to yesterday. Praise the Lord....

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Day 3 at Aenon....

Today is my 3rd day at Aenon. I was not able to sleep well yesterday because of constant irritating discomfort at my back. But during the day, I did managed to doze off to catch the much needed short sleep.

This is also my third day of fasting. As usual, I have mix fruit juices for breakfast, lunch, and dinner today. I was given a light massage, “foot bath”, and an infra red treatment. Same as yesterday, I attended a cooking class at the kitchen, and as well as attended a heath talk on stress management and nutritions.

After lunch, an old friend came visiting me, and I managed to sneak out to the nearby beach to break the monotonous nature of life at the health farm. I dow wonder why am I here making my life so boring, after all, I don't think I have much time left. Perhaps, my only purpose here is to seek solace with my self that, with the knowledge on how to change my life style and habit, I may be able to reverse the cancer growth and be healthy again.

Today, I also read an article on cancer, where it states that, statistically, a pancreatic cancer patient has less than 3% chances of surviving more than 5 years. Scary !!! Well, I had been carrying the pancreatic tumour for about a year now, and four years remaining seemed like only a short distant away. What is my percentage of surviving this chronic illness ? Only the Almighty know. It is really up to him to make a way for me, or to break my way. I leave it to him to decide my fate. For the word said "I have plans for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:11-13). And, I hope the Almighty listened to my prayer and deliver his promises......

Come to think of it, today is not really a bad day at all. Praise the Lord....

Monday, April 27, 2009

Day 2 at Aenon....

I did not have a good night sleep yesterday. As a matter of fact, I always have problem sleeping during the first night in a new environment. So, it is not a major issue for me to miss some good sleeps under new environemnt. Hopefully, tonight, I can have a good restful sleep.

I woke up today at 6:00AM in the morning. First thing I do is to take my daily dosage of Tarceva. At around seven, I was given a glass of Aloe Vera juice and a small glass of psyllium husks. My breakfast for today is a big glass of Apple & Guava juice. After breakfast, I did some light stretching and breathing exercise, followed by a brisk walk around the health farm.

As for lunch, I had a big glass of beetroot and carrot juices. And Dinner is not so exciting either, all I have for dinner is a glass of Apple and Guava juice. The funny thing is, I don't really feel hungry at all. Probably I am already used to taking mixed fruits and vegetable juices as full meals. Anyway, today is my second day of fasting........

After lunch, I went through the treatment of “Fever Bath”, where I was put into a bath tub with hot water to raise my body temperature to approximately 40 deg C. The objective is to create an artificial fever to stimulate my white blood cells to enhance my immune system. After the “treatment”, I went into my room to rest and to calm down my irregular heartbeats. In the evening before bed time, I also went through half an hour of infra red treatment to reduce my back pains, and “Charcoal” treatment to sooth the discomforts at my pancreas.

Today, I did learn a number of things. I learned how to make vegetarian Thosai pancake, Chutney , and vadei. Not bad for an ignoramus MCP trying his hand at the kitchen to learn how to cook ! I also attended a presentation on “Juicing” and Nutritions. Hopefully, the fruits juicing can equip me with better nutritional knowledge to help me to fight my battle against cancer.

On proper nutritions, I was told that the best way to stay healthy is to commit to vegetarian diets, because the bible said that "Behold I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat." ( GENESIS 1:29 ) I also learned that, pork and all value added products related to pork are bad for health. The scripture also mentioned that “And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be cloven footed, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you”. “Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcass shall ye not touch, they are unclean to you.” [Leviticus 11:7-8] So, from today onward, bye bye Bak Kut the, Bacon, and Ham,.......

Now, How about sea foods, I was told it is healthy to eat sea foods of any kinds except those without Fins and Scales. The book of Leviticus stated that “But all in the seas or in the rivers that do not have fins and scales, all that move in the water or any living thing which is in the water, they are an abomination to you.” So, from now on, no Abalone dishes, Shark fin Soup, Crabs, etc.....

I went through the second without any boredom, in fact, it is a fruitful day today ! Praise the Lord....

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Recuperating at Aenon Health Farm...

Today, I checked into Aenon Health Farm at around 1:00PM. Aenon health farm is located at Bukit Rambai, about 15 minutes drive from the Ayer Keroh toll exit. After checked in, I took a light vegetarian lunch, then go into my room for a rest.

At around 2:30pm, one of the staff at Aenon gave a presentation of the important of fresh air and breathing techniques. After the presentation, I have a private consultation with the resident doctor who perform some basic medical checks on me and as well as obtaining background medical information from me.

My 5 days stay here probably is going to cost me around RM 1,400/=. I was also given the program for my next five days stay at Aenon. Tomorrow, they will take my urine and blood sample for test. The doctor also prescribed some hot bath therapy ( to induce hypothermia or something like that) over the course of my stay, and 3 days fasting to abstain from solid foods. During the fasting period, they will provide me with fruit juices only. The fasting start this evening ! And my dinner for this eveningwill be a big glass of green apple juice.....

Well, after months of treatments for cancer without any real significant success, I really do not have much expectations from my stay at Aenon. Maybe the stay here can give me some peace of mind, and the kampung's greeneries can do some good to trigger my self healing mechanisms. Moreover, my 5 days stay here can also give my wife a much needed rest at home. I know, for the past 8 months or so, it'd been hellish and very tiring for my wife to provide care to me. I do sincerely hope the Almighty up there can heal me soon so that I won't inconvenience so many people.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

The longest day.....

I was having an emotionally drenching period since 9:00AM yesterday. My son was admitted to a private hospital in Subang Jaya yesterday morning after complaining about stomach discomfort for almost two weeks.

He consulted a private doctor about two weeks ago and was prescribed with antibiotic, but the problem persists. About week ago, he consulted a Gastrointestinal Specialist at the private hospital. The specialist prescribed some medications, but the medications did not ease his discomfort. A day before yesterday, he conveyed to me that the discomfort is not getting any better, and he is also encountering back pains. I got alarmed about his health condition and worried that there maybe some other bigger health issues involved. My son told me that he will have to go back to consult the specialist again the next day.

My son was accompanied by my wife to the hospital yesterday morning. Due to my recent health condition, my wife advised me to stay at home. She SMSed me later that the doctor admitted my son for further diagnostic tests and evaluations. I waited at home anxiously hoping that everything will turn out okay for my son. By 6:00PM yesterday, they are still at the hospital. I was getting a little bit more worries, so I asked my brother to drive me to the hospital to assess the situation myself.

I was informed that, my son has gone through blood test, urine test, ultrasound, endoscopy, colonoscopy, and is due to be scan by MRI at 8;00PM that evening. I stay back at the hospital to await for my son to go through the MRI which was completed by 9:30PM. But the imaging result will only be out the next day. I left the hospital with more lingering worries.......

Today, my wife visited my son in the hospital. The MRI imaging result came out at around 12:30 noon. The doctor advised that, all the tests did not indicate any serious problem. So, they still can not find out the underlying problem of my son. My son was advised to go for cystoscopy later in the afternoon to assess the condition of bladder and urethra. So within 2 days, this poor young man had to go through so many tests. First, they scoped through his anus, then the mouth, then pumping dyes into his body to take images of his internal organs, now they also want to scope through his penis ! Modern medicines, I shake my head …..

I do hope the Cystoscopy will be the last medical procedure the good doctor is going to perform on my son to identify the root problems. It is unbearable for me to see my son go through this medical procedures. I know, he is a brave young man because he is my son !

My wife keep telling me not to worry too much about my son. The problem is, how can I not worry about my son ? He is my son, and I want him to come back home as soon as possible. I can't bear to see the fears, desperations, and anxieties written all over his face, or am I over recting. Whatever it is, my son is still in the hospital, and the past 30 hours or so has been a difficult longest day for me..

The funny guy up there do have a very perverted sense of naughtiness. Hey, enough is enough ! Don't you think I had been through enough of all these nonsenses ?

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

To eat or not to eat ?

The ancient Chinese philosopher, Confucius, once made a famous statement “食色性也", translated, it means, “Food and Sex, yeah !” Since time immemorial, food and sex has been an integral part of human lifestyle.

As a cancer patient, I went through seven rounds of intravenous chemotherapies spreading over a period of six months, and currently is on my 3rd month of oral chemotherapy. With all those cocktails of chemo drugs being pumped into the body, my body experienced many side effects associated with the treatment regime.

While under treatments, the two most common side effects are the impact of chemo drugs on sex drive and ability to enjoy foods. For a cancer patient, the priority of having and enjoy sex is not really a matter of great concern. A person can go on without sex for many months or even years, and I don't really think it is going to affect a person chances of survival. I had my fair share of frustrations dealing with this matter, and I do not think it is appropriate for me to elaborate how I overcome this department. As for me, my personal opinion is, sex drive while during treatment is more a matter of psychology and emotional issues, rather than a physical or physiological issues.

So, the issue of sex is not really a matter of great concern to me during the treatment period. After all, you won't die for lack of sex. Look at it a the positive side, deprivation of sex probably quicken the pace for you to achieve spiritual enlightenment ! One of these day, I will visit the monastery to consult to monks or lammorloh how they manage without sex and still stay contentedly happy and at peace.

On a serious note, foods is a matter of great concern to me during the treatment period. If the body is not nourished with the adequate and right foods, you probably would die of malnutritions rather cancer itself. My personal experience is, after going through the chemotherapy regime, my eating problem is a nightmare to me. I no longer know what kind of solid foods I can take without being rejected by my now chemical ladened body. Sometimes, a mere cooking smell from the kitchen made me involuntarily wanted to throw out, and sometimes, the sight and colour of certain foods made me reject the food instantaneously. The worst part is, some times, you tried to force feed yourself, but the moment the foods is in your month, the more you chew, the more nauseated you became, and you end up being frustrated and wanting to let out your foul moods.

I know, my wife take great pains and times to prepare the foods for me, but sometimes, I am just not able to eat the foods. As a husband, from her body language, I know, she take my rejection of the foods as rejection of her love. At times, I do feel very guilty of this new acquired fuzziness in foods. The doctor did prescribed some appetite stimulating pills for me, but so far it doesn't work on me. My wife did tried to be a bit creative by asking me t participate in planning for the foods I take. For example, she do occasionally asking me “What kind of foods you want to eat today ?” Well, the problem is, this is the most challenging question to me because I no longer know what kind of food I can take without rejections. My usual answer is to asked her to prepare the foods she like, and I will take it from there. With this arrangement, at least, if I am unable to eat the prepared foods, she can still take it without wastages.

Ir is suicidal to refrain from foods. As an alternative, I resort to make organic soya bean milk as protein source, blending fresh vegetables and fruits into liquid as drinks, and other nutritional supplements. I had been mixing and changing the varieties and combinations of vegetables and fruits as liquid foods. So far, it works and managed to keep my body nourished to fight the cancer cells.

Hmmm.... I missed my favorite Bak Kut Teh, Roast Pork, Char Siew Fan, Char koay Teow, etc. !!!!!

Monday, April 20, 2009

Nine Months....

What is nine months ? Well, usually it takes nine months for a mother to create a new life from point of conception to delivery. As for me, I had been through more than eight months of roller coaster ride dealing with the management of my cancer treatment regime. As I approach the ninth month of my treatment regime, metaphorically speaking, I will be born again as a new person with different perspective and different expectation of life. Nine months is a long period of time if you are living it at one day at a time dealing with all the negativities of cancer and its treatment's side effects. At the end of it, would I be really a healed and reborn person ? Come what may, I look forward to welcome my new “status”.

Like a pregnant woman, I went through nine months of daily nauseating experience of having something between my throat and stomach that trigger the unwelcome symptoms of wanting to vomit. I also went through the experience of having problems with foods, occasional constipations, self awareness of changes in my body, the occasional mood swings, etc. At the end of the ninth month, would this insignificant soul be liberated with renewed vigor to shoulder on with the challenging journey ahead ? Or the Almighty will just give me a new mask to put on to hide my tormented soul ? I don't know.

Wow, nine months ! It is indeed an amazing experience for me. I guess I am somehow lucky to be blessed with this inconvenient opportunity of experiencing the extremities of emotions, anxieties, and uncertainties. I think it made me a “complete” man. On the positive side, at least I survived nine months of difficult period. It gave me enough experience to fine tune my strategies to combat those unwanted cancerous cells.

Nine months, ninth month, I look forward to this metaphorical status of being born again. As it is, the previous eight months has equipped me with the desires to love, be loved, and live right. I am also more aware of the need to understand and invest in the kingdom of the Almighty. I guess I will be like a new baby sponging my eagerness to learn more about the good words of the almighty and his glory. Indeed I look forward to the Almighty to free myself from all curses, guilts, and sins, and be blessed with the wisdom to live life wholesomely and healthily, free from all diseases and sicknesses.

Of course I am not talking about re-living life again ! I had a fantastic, amazing, and enriched journey thus far, I praise the Almighty for giving me this unique experience of living a life of no regrets. I honestly do not wish to have the ability to turn back the clock to relive those portion of life where I can right the wrongs. That was my purpose to live through those patches of life. And along the process, I was strengthened by the Almighty amidst the storms, and was prepared for new journey ahead. As a consequent of my previous nine months of extra ordinary journey, I believed, the Almighty has a new purpose for me to live a new life again, I am looking forward a new direction in life and awaiting his revelations.

"Unless a man is born again, he can not see the Kingdom of God." ( John 3:3). Well, After nine months of challenging gestation period, the Almighty has blew his breath into me, I am now ready to be born again, and to live life again.

Praise the Lord............

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Looking back.......

Time flies, 8 enlightening months had passed since I was diagnosed with Cancer. I know, my chances of recovery is good as long as I can keep waking up the next day ! So every morning when I woke up and felt the sharp tearing pains at my abdominal areas and backs, I said praises and thank the Almighty for allowing me the luxury to feel the pains ! Because a dead body would not be able to feel any pain at all. At least with the pain, I know I am still alive and gearing to face the challenge of the day. I am getting pervertedly oxymoronic ? I shake my head....

Looking back, the previous eight months has given me the luxury to be enlightened with knowledges of human characters. When I was on medical leave, I was extremely sad to learn that my most trusted assistant is actually a gang leader in my company conducting criminal breach of trust to steal money from the company. I also have a close relative who I helped the most, never visited me once during my sickness, but send occasional sarcastic emails to me, because he felt that I did not offer more help to him. There are friends who tried to make money from me during my time of desperations. There are also many other instances of unacceptable behaviors from people I know. Generally, these behaviors are driven by human being's greeds and ungratefulness. In a way, I thank the Almighty for unmasking them. As a God fearing person, I shall obey his command to forgive them, but I will also need to built a firewall around my family to protect ill intents being committed against my family members.

Of course, I am also extremely lucky to be blessed with so many good friends and relatives that offer supports during the times of my health crisis. The past eight months were actually a period of blessings where I was given opportunities to be drawn closer to my friends and relatives. It is the support and encouragement rendered by these group of friends and relatives that gave me the courage and will to fight on. Sometimes, the Almighty indeed work in a very miraculous way to make us aware and beware of the people surrounding us.

During the past 8 months, I looked towards evident based medicine and faith in the Almighty in my efforts to seek recovery of my health. So far, there are improvements in my health, but not significant enough for me to jump with great joy. I guess, with Chronic illness like cancer, there is only so much modern medicine can help. With regards to having faith in the Almighty for healing, I guess I can go on praying to the Almighty for healing, but I am also a practical man. Mrylogical reasoning is, if the Almighty want to heal me, he would have heal me long time ago. I think I will not indulge in anymore prayers to seek interventions of the Almighty for recovery of my health. I think the Almighty is too busy to answer my prayers. From now on, if I want to get well soon, it is now up to me to condition my frame of mind to activate new strategies to fight on.

The mind is the most dangerous playground, but it is also the most powerful weapon against illnesses. I believe, I can find a way to control mind to activate healing within me to destroy the cancer cells and tumor in my body. I will have to find a way for my mind to establish control over my body. All I need to do now is, Think Positive, regular exercise through Qi Qong, and Change my diet to vegetarian diets. Of course, I will still continue with my present daily oral chemo drugs as long as the good doctor think it is necessary.

They said, what you think, you become. I think, I am going to win this war against cancer and emerged as a warrior. I will and I shall........................


by Poh Lye Suan

Life is short,
Take a break, take a breath,
Don’t stress, don’t freak out,
Live life to the fullest,
There is no second chance.

Life is short,
Learn to love truly,
Hug warmly, kiss passionately,
And don’t forget to say ‘I love you’
To your loved ones.

Life is short,
Life is the most precious gift from God,
Life is worthless,
Till the day sickness comes.

Don’t look back as the past is already gone,
Don’t look forward for it has not come,
Don’t regret anything you did as it has passed,
Live your life and treasure everything around you.

Life is short, yet beautiful,
Life is priceless, yet no one treasures,
Life is sweet, yet sometimes painful,
No matter what, don’t let anything ruin your life.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

About pains and discomforts

I had trouble sleeping yesterday night. I was not indulging in unnecessary fears, anxieties, or whatever negative emotions. The whole night, I was troubled by pain at my back and abdominal area. I tried to be very calm, took deep breaths, but the pains and body discomforts kept me awake, even when I managed to doze off, the pains kept waking me up again and again. It is frustrating to be bothered by this inability to have good sleep.

This is probably one of the worst attack of pain and discomfort I encountered so far. The psychological impact of the pain is so overwhelming that I have difficulty swallowing or chewing my foods, I lost my appetite for foods today. I tried to control the pains and discomforts, but end up at the losing end. It is humiliating not being able to use my mind to exercise control over my body.

I woke up this morning tired and in foul mood. The pains and discomforts are still there, and the whole morning and afternoon, I encountered non stop attacks of sharp pulling pains at the back of my body. I tried to do fast pace walking around the housing estate in the morning, trying my level best to increase the intake of oxygen and stretching my muscle to overcome the pains. I also tried to do some strenuous gardening works with the hope of tiring down my body and thus divert my attention from the physical discomforts. But the pain has been very persistent and at times unbearable. I felt like my body is splitting into two. I guess this is one of the few occasions where my mind lose control over my body. I do wonder whether my condition has deteriorated. I do felt like giving up, but I know, surrendering is not my option. Not matter how unbearable the situation is, it is my obligation to fight on, I really do not want to behave like a coward in the eyes of my children.

I fought to control the pains, and I did fought hard. I contain myself in the room in the afternoon, lying on hard surface, to practice deep breathing exercises. Luckily, probably due to lack of sleep the night before, and the strenuous morning exercise, while in the midst of doing the breathing exercise, I unconsciously drifted into a much welcome sleep for probably an hour or so. I woke up much more relaxed and in better control of my mind and body. I thank the Almighty for soothing my tired body and lessen my pains.

Throughout the remaining of the day, though the pains and discomforts still lingered on, but it was much more bearable. But whatever it is, honestly, I do hate cancer ! I will make sure I will fight them with everything I have. I will make these unwelcome cancer cells pay a price for their uninvited attack on my body. Sooner or later, I will exterminate all of them and purge them out of my body for good. I will fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight........................ I know, as long as I don't lose faith in my spontaneous self healing ability to recover my health, sooner or later, I will be well soon, free from all those unwelcome pains and discomforts, be able to sleep and eat better, and enjoy my daily life in the company of family members and friends.

I hope tonight the pains and discomforts do not attack me again. All I want is just a good night sleep ! My dear Almighty heavenly father, would you see to it that I have a good sleep and rest tonight ?

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


I had not been to office for quite sometimes, but last month, I received an anonymous email giving details of a personnel conducting moon lighting business in the office, I verified the information, and found the allegation to be true. Surprisingly, I was not angry at all. I had been bothered by the high overheads in the office and was trying to find a humane way to cut down head counts, the incident gave me the needed ammunition to persuade the involved personnel to resign voluntarily. Before the personnel resign, he informed me that he is not alone, but was assisted by another staff to siphon business away from the company. I am indeed amazed by human characters, in good times, they called themselves brothers, but when cornered, they are wiling to sacrifice each other. And, that gave me another legitimate inspirations to further reduce the head count in the office. But don't get me wrong, I did not fire the second personnel ! All I did is, go to the office, ask the staff this question. “You know, actually I am very sad that when I am away on medical leave, there is a personnel taking opportunity to sabotage the company. Suppose you were me, what will you do when a staff are abusing company facilities and times to siphon business away from the company ?” He took the clue, and resign the following week. Sometimes, the Almighty does work in a miraculous way ! Well, I got rid of two dishonest personnel easily and at the same times achieve my objective of trimming down the costs of operations.

Honestly, I had lost all interests in the business since I was diagnosed with my present illness. I had been involved in this business for more than 15 years, and now, I had lost the enthusiasms of running and maintaining it. In the process of maintaining the business, a big part of my youth has gone. Looking back, there are always some happy moments, and there are also challenging moments. I can still vividly remember some of this wonderful moments, but, there are also some not so happy moments I choose to forget. I count my blessing that, the business allow me the opportunities to acquire some basic luxuries of life, putting my children through the college, and the acquisition of some real assets for raining days. Of course, the business also accord me the wisdom of understanding the various extremities of human natures. I honestly believed I overstayed my welcome in the industry, and would be glad to hand over ownership of the company to anybody who is willing to take over the responsibility from me. Whatever it is, as much as I want to dissociate myself from this responsibilities, I will never force my will unnecessarily onto others, I will take it easy and let nature take it course.

I had different perspective in life now. In the past, I worked hard to defend my livelihoods and desired to earn unlimited incomes for more secured and future financial comforts. But since I was diagnosed with this chronic illness, I questioned my priority in life, and realized my purpose in life is not about satisfying my material desires and securing future financial security. My purpose is to live life meaningfully and cherish every moment of it. I take inspiration from the Lord's prayer which states that “Give us this day or daily bread...” and “forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sins against us...” The Almighty will provide sufficient daily provisions to us. That is the Almighty's promise, and his words will not be returned to him void ! Why then are we still so preoccupied in wanting to make tomorrow's incomes today, and in the process made our lives miserables and corrupted ? I had also learned to eliminate negative emotional burden by letting go of hatreds and the unproductive desires of seeking revenge against those who betrayed me. I will be a hypocrite if I refused to forgive those who sin against me but expecting the Almighty to forgive my sin. The change in expectation and perspective of life has actually made me a man contented with his surrounding. I just want to live my remaining days of life in peace and joy. I believed, the Almighty will be graceful enough to grant me this desires.

I do wish I have the wisdom to inspire others to live an ethical life and the courage to live through life's difficult patches. But as an insignificant soul, it is not up to me to alter the course of my destiny. I believed, the Almighty shall lead and reveal to me my purpose incrementally as I walk this passage of life. Looking back, this passage of life has been a colorful journey of passions, colors, and spices of life, would you be able to keep all those spices of life in a special corner of your heart, and cherish the memories forever ? I looked at life this way, even in a state of motionless, life in itself is a journey in perpetual motion of time and space. Looking back, this journey leaves behind behind a trail of good times and bad times, As we move forward, those good times and bad times became memories, remained a thing of the past, and slowly fading away into insignificant.

Life in itself is a many splendor things. Let us live for the day and not unduly burdened with the uncertainty of tomorrow. Whatever that is going to happen, it will happen for a purpose. Don't waste your time repeatedly asking “Why me ?” or “Why US ?” Let us accept whatever that has been unfolded with a sense of serenity as part and parcel of our life's passage, so that, in tomorrow, we can look back to today as memories. While our mental capacity is still capable, let us count our blessing that we are still able to cherish those memories from the past.

Like it or not, I am almost half a century old, how long can I go on in this illusory world of materialisms ? I need a new perspective and a renewed spiritual commitment in search of a new paradise in my deluded mind....... Oh mighty Lord, will you help me to find me ? Let me not dream that impossible dream. I look at life differently now, I am the best at being worst, and let me be.

Well, I can go on with all these incoherent rantings........ but I need to take my medication NOW !!! Sayonara....

Monday, April 13, 2009

Breathing your way to Good Health

As a cancer patient, I was recommended by the doctor to take up Qi Qong to complement my existing treatment regime. According to the good doctor, Qi Qong can enhance the oxygen intakes into the body to improve blood circulation to fight cancer and therefore improve my chances of recovery. I search through the net to look for a Qi Qong centre in Subang Jaya / USJ, and found the Chi Dynamics website.

Chi Dynamics is founded by Grandmaster Anthony Wee, and currently has centers in Australia, Singapore, Indonesia, United Kingdom, Thailand, and Malaysia. Chi Dynamics is a non political, non religious, and a non profit organization that promotes community health. In Subang Jaya and USJ area, there are three centers for Chi Dynamics. These centres are run by dedicated volunteers. The three centers are :

1. Goodyear Court 9, USJ Subang Perdana
2. Open Field near Keranji Apartment SS19/3
3. Lick Hung (C) Primary School. Jln. SS19/6

Do you know, breathing is an art ? I learned that, a normal breathing is not sufficient to pump in enough oxygen to nourish the body. At Chi Dynamics, they taught me 5 methods of Qi Breathings - Fu, Chui, Tu, Pi, Xi. These Block Breathings coupled with the developed exercise movements also enhance the general health of the 5 body internal organs ( Lungs, Heart, Liver and Spleen, Intestines/colons, Kidneys ). Another emphasis of Chi Dynamics is the destressing and detoxification exercises such as simulation of lymphatic drainage and lymphatic stretch. In addition, at Chi Dynamics, they also teach you how to tap the energy of the earth and Sun to activate the Qi within your body to stimulate the internal organs and promote general wellness.

For further information on training schedule and accessibility, you can contact Puan Khadijah HP: 019-3278092 or Mr. Eric Thean HP: 012-2633484. Or alternatively, you can send an email to me, I will try my best to acquire and forward to you whatever information that is available.

All the instructors at the centers are volunteers. To participate in the Chi Dynamics' exercise, you need to join the association as a member first with a small prescribed annual subscription fee or life membership fee. As a cancer patient, they waived my subscription fee.

My encounters with Chi Dynamics is still at the beginner's stage, and I had been participating in the group exercise every Saturday for slightly more than 2 months now. I was taught on the techniques of “Block Breathing” and “Qi Meditation”, I thoroughly enjoy these gracious exercise, and benefited from it in the form of mental alertness, reduced pains ( probably the Block Breathing techniques triggered the released of endorphins to counter the pains), and general confident in regaining my health. My objective in participating in Chi Dynamics is, hopefully, by gaining more knowledge in diaphramatic breathing and Qi Meditation, I can gain control over my physical and emotional states to activate self healing and self empowerment mechanism within me to counter cancer cells, enhancing my endocrine system, reducing body acidity by reducing stress, and to enhanced my overall immune system.

Although I am only involved in Chi Dynamics for slightly more than 2 months, but I felt very positive about its potential health benefits. I believed, Chi Dynamics can complement my existing treatment regime to help me to fight cancer by empowering me to achieve healthy mind and healthy body to trigger spontaneous self healing. For those of you who felt generally stressed, weaked, or in need of some regular exercise to enhance the general well being of mind and body, why not give Chi Dynamics a try ?

Now, here are some latest information from Chi Dynamics :

In conjuction with the opening ceremony of Chi Dynamics' main training centre, Grandmaster Anthony Wee will be conducting the following activities for the benefit of members and the public. Venue : 5-7-5 Block D5, Pusat Perdagangan Dana 1, Jalan PJU 1A/46, PJU1A, Petaling Jaya.

(1) ACU-CUPPING ( for Members and public)
Friday 1st May 2009 10:00AM – 12:00noon and 2:00OM – 4:30PM
Saturday 2nd May 2009 10:00AM – 12:00noon
Fees by donation only

(2) “Activate The Healer Within” ( for members only)
Saturday 2nd May 2009 02:00PM – 04:30PM
Fees RM 50

(3) “Cancer Care Workshop”
For cancer patients, care giers, pubic, and members. Limited to 30 participants only
Sunday 3rd May 2009 02:00PM to 05:00PM
Fees by donation only

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Round 9 : Staying Alive....

Yesterday, I applied for homestay from the hospital. This morning, I went back to the hospital again to discharge my self from the ward. Well, today marks the end of seven rounds of chemotherapy. Earlier in the week, I consulted the Oncologist who agreed with me to put aside the intravenous dripping of chemotherapy and just focus with the daily oral chemo drug. So, tomorrow marks the beginning of a new round of my fight against cancer. Well, after seven rounds of dreadful chemotherapy, I am still walking tall and in high spirit. I thank the Almighty for anointing me with the strength to fight on and shielded me from fears and anxieties.

Although the test conducted earlier in the week show a very positive result of improvement, but I need to work out a new strategy to fight even harder to counter those remnant cancer cells within me. So, what is my new strategy ?

For the next 30 days or so, I will work towards a “meatless diet” of vegetables and fruits, and at the same time carry on with Tarceva as my main daily drugs. On the physical aspects, I will still carry on with my daily morning walks, and hopefully have the stamina to practice Qiqong on daily basis. On spiritual level, the Almighty is my healer, I will pray more often to the Almighty, and read the scripture on daily basis, the words shall be my medicines. The Almighty is a merciful God, I know, he will answer my prayer and heal me in the event modern medicine does not provide the desired result. For I have the faith to claim that "The things which are impossible with men are possible with God." (Luke 18:27) and "But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing." (Psalm 34:10)

I had also enrolled myself to attend a 5 days health farm in Malacca. Hopefully, the combinations of these efforts can further achieve better remission results.

Looking back, it has been an expensive affair to receive all these cancer treatments. I am indeed very lucky to be blessed with the ability to meet this aspect of the financial obligations. The costs of treatments during the past seven months is around RM 100K. For example, a round of chemotherapy costs approximately RM 5K, and a 30 days supply of Tarceva costs approximately RM 8K. Sometimes, I do wonder how can all those poor cancer patients afford these expensive treatments ? I do hope the Health Ministry can do something to make treatments for chronic illness to be more readily accessible and affordable. If the government can spend billions of dollars buying weapon of destructions such as submarines, war plane, guns, bullets, etc., why can't these money be used to subsidize the costs of medicines ? There must be a way for the government to communicate to all those pharmaceutical companies to forgo a portion of their research and development costs to make the drugs affordable as part of their social obligations. I sincerely hope that all those pharmaceutical companies can have a heart to be compassionate to all those poor cancer patients.

Whatever it is, I realized, the past seven months or so has been an amazing journey of enlightenment for me, come what may, I shall keep my faith and fight a good fight to win this battle against cancer. I know, I will, and I shall overcome. Anyway, I got nothing to loose – If I win this battle against cancer, I shall be a walking testimony to glorify Almighty's greatness and goodness, and if I loose, the beautiful Kingdom of Almighty awaits me.

Praise the lord............

Monday, April 06, 2009

Round 8 : I smell victories..........

Today, my wife and my goddaughter accompanied me to the hospital again to do my assessment test and to consult my oncologist on the next course of action. In addition to the unwavering support of my wife during my many trips to the hospital to receive my treatments and tests, my goddaughter has also been faithfully rendering her moral support to me in my times of health crisis. She took times off from her work schedule not only to see to it that I get proper medical attention, but also to provide support to my wife and assist her in providing care to me. The Almighty has been indeed very kind to me by blessing me with these two angels into my life. Well, I know, my princess, Jacy has been my good girl. And, I am proud of her !

As usual, I started my trip to the hospital from Subang Jaya at 7:00AM in the morning and arrive at the hospital laboratory around 8:00AM, had a quick breakfast at the hospital canteen, then report to the lab for blood test at 8:30AM.

It took me another 2 hours wait for the test result to be verified and released. Restlessly, I waited for the lab report. The whole waiting process was like those days, where after my Form Five examination, I waited anxiously and nervously for my MCE (SPM) results to be announced. On one hand, I was very confident of the outcome, but on the other hand, I was also worried about the possibilities of failure in the previous treatment regime. But overall, I know, as mentioned in the scripture, the Almighty did not gave me the spirit of fear, but the power of hope, and of love, and of a logical mind. Well, I was kind of getting used to, and adapted well to uncertainties and fears of the unknowns. The whole waiting period of 2 hours or so was still bearable and emotionally manageable.

Finally, the lab report printed by the dot matrix printer was released to me for my onward consultation with the Oncologist. The Oncologist has indicated to me that, he is happy with the result because my cancer marker dropped approximately 20 percent, and physical examination also indicate that the tumor has regressed. Overall, the cancer marker over the last few test showed downward trend. I hope the marker will continue to go down south to its normal range soon.

The Oncologist also recommend me to go for another round of chemotherapy combined with oral intake of Tarceva for another 30 days. I objected to the recommendation of another round of chemotherapy, because, I am getting very weary and tired of subjecting myself to more rounds of slow dripping of Chemo drugs into my body which usually last more than 2 hours of agonizing intravenous feeding. I am already getting very intolerance to all the side effects of chemotherapy. I know, my body need a rest and I don't think I can take another round of chemotherapy without jeopardizing my liver and kidney functions. So, the Oncologist agreed to put aside Chemotherapy for the time being but to carry on with another round of 30 days Tarceva treatment regime. After that, another test will be conducted again, and the Oncologist will decide my next treatment strategy.

It has been an emotional drenching roller coaster ride for me over the past few months. But I believed, the Almighty has a purpose for me to walk this difficult path. I am thankful that during my times of uncertainty and anxieties, the Almighty has also send so many prayer warriors to me to enlighten me with this miraculous way, and to lessen the burdens that are trapped within me. He made a hardened man like me to bend my knees and crawling to his feet to shed tears of joys knowing that eventually I will be healed through his amazing grace for he had said "And I will take sickness away from the midst of you" (Exodus 23:25)

Well, here I go again. Another 30 days of treatment regime. Hopefully, I can achieve even better remission in my next test. Until then, I guess I need to stay positive and be happy as part of my faith that I will be healed soon, because "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones." (Proverbs 17:22).

Praise the Lord.....

Friday, April 03, 2009

Blowing in the winds....

Yesterday, I learned that an old friend was diagnosed with cancer in the uterus, she checked into the hospital today, and will be operated on tomorrow. Today, I also learned that a member of my cell group was admitted to hospital for a condition know as lymphatic gland infection that slurred his speech and facial numbness. As for me, as usual, I still have to go through my daily pain and discomforts and still undergoing chemotherapy. I will be going for another test at the hospital to assess my treatment progress next weeks. My good gracious God, so much negative news over the past few days, it does make me wonder how precarious our lives are. I don't know about others' perception of life, but I do have my ups and downs dealing with all these negative aspect of life. Sometimes, I was so consumed by all these fears, anxieties, and uncertainties that my mind just wonder aimlessly into a dark tunnel fearful that the light at the extreme end of the tunnel could be an oncoming train.

Should I feel sad today ? Should I just embrace whatever that happened as part and parcel of life ? I honestly do not know, and do not wish to indulge with this emotionality anymore. It has been a difficult period for me living dangerously trying my level best stretching my logical mind to comprehend what I went through, and anticipate what awaits me. Come what may, if that is my destined path, I will just have to put my best foot forward to traverse this so called journey of life.

I guess, being inflicted with health crisis maketh me a different man nowadays. I tend to lapsed into mental delusion unnecessary, hiding in my own mental asylum trying to figure out the purpose of my being. Or am I indulging in mental masturbation trying to achieve the elusive once in a life time orgasm of being enlightened and of conquering fears ? I know, sometimes life is unfair and full of perverted sadisms. I had my fair share of emotional roller coasting rides dealing with my fears and uncertainties of my cancer treatments, but at times, I do wonder whether I am experiencing the worst moment of my life, or am I enjoying the best of having the privilege of experiencing the extremities of emotions.

Sometimes, my eyes get teary as I read through my old journal entries. I know, it is definitely not smoke got caught in my eyes, because I quit smoking long time ago. It is definitely some chemical or hormonal reactions within me. Am I unknowingly allow myself to become a sentimental old fool ? Or am I losing control over my sanity ?

Sometimes, I wish I can have the rights words to describe precisely how I felt about my current state of being. There are times I woke up in the morning surprising cheerful for knowing that I am still alive, and there are also times I felt emotionally incapacitated to handle the uncertainties of the future. Sometimes, you just wish you can just tell out how you feel as it is to relief the burden of all those emotions that are trapped within you. The point I am trying to put across is, there are always times you felt a need to be understood, but can't find the right descriptives to make yourself understood.

I have learned, sometimes, to be happy, it is not necessary for me to possess the best of everything, but I just need to adapt to make the most out of everything that come along. Whatever it is, I would like to acknowledge the grace of the Almighty that, I once was blessed with so many good things of life, and along the way, I know, without regret, I made my best efforts to adapt. There are always things in life that are never meant to be, and what I tried but possessed not, it is best to let go and let them be. The best thing for me to do now is, to stay happy and be thankful that this breath I take at this very moment is not my last !

That Life ?