Blowing in the winds....

Yesterday, I learned that an old friend was diagnosed with cancer in the uterus, she checked into the hospital today, and will be operated on tomorrow. Today, I also learned that a member of my cell group was admitted to hospital for a condition know as lymphatic gland infection that slurred his speech and facial numbness. As for me, as usual, I still have to go through my daily pain and discomforts and still undergoing chemotherapy. I will be going for another test at the hospital to assess my treatment progress next weeks. My good gracious God, so much negative news over the past few days, it does make me wonder how precarious our lives are. I don't know about others' perception of life, but I do have my ups and downs dealing with all these negative aspect of life. Sometimes, I was so consumed by all these fears, anxieties, and uncertainties that my mind just wonder aimlessly into a dark tunnel fearful that the light at the extreme end of the tunnel could be an oncoming train.

Should I feel sad today ? Should I just embrace whatever that happened as part and parcel of life ? I honestly do not know, and do not wish to indulge with this emotionality anymore. It has been a difficult period for me living dangerously trying my level best stretching my logical mind to comprehend what I went through, and anticipate what awaits me. Come what may, if that is my destined path, I will just have to put my best foot forward to traverse this so called journey of life.

I guess, being inflicted with health crisis maketh me a different man nowadays. I tend to lapsed into mental delusion unnecessary, hiding in my own mental asylum trying to figure out the purpose of my being. Or am I indulging in mental masturbation trying to achieve the elusive once in a life time orgasm of being enlightened and of conquering fears ? I know, sometimes life is unfair and full of perverted sadisms. I had my fair share of emotional roller coasting rides dealing with my fears and uncertainties of my cancer treatments, but at times, I do wonder whether I am experiencing the worst moment of my life, or am I enjoying the best of having the privilege of experiencing the extremities of emotions.

Sometimes, my eyes get teary as I read through my old journal entries. I know, it is definitely not smoke got caught in my eyes, because I quit smoking long time ago. It is definitely some chemical or hormonal reactions within me. Am I unknowingly allow myself to become a sentimental old fool ? Or am I losing control over my sanity ?

Sometimes, I wish I can have the rights words to describe precisely how I felt about my current state of being. There are times I woke up in the morning surprising cheerful for knowing that I am still alive, and there are also times I felt emotionally incapacitated to handle the uncertainties of the future. Sometimes, you just wish you can just tell out how you feel as it is to relief the burden of all those emotions that are trapped within you. The point I am trying to put across is, there are always times you felt a need to be understood, but can't find the right descriptives to make yourself understood.

I have learned, sometimes, to be happy, it is not necessary for me to possess the best of everything, but I just need to adapt to make the most out of everything that come along. Whatever it is, I would like to acknowledge the grace of the Almighty that, I once was blessed with so many good things of life, and along the way, I know, without regret, I made my best efforts to adapt. There are always things in life that are never meant to be, and what I tried but possessed not, it is best to let go and let them be. The best thing for me to do now is, to stay happy and be thankful that this breath I take at this very moment is not my last !

That Life ?