Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Amazing Grace

I know, I have not been feeling well for many months now. Over the past few days, I had been reading my journal entries, and realized, these entries are full of negative emotions. On one hand, I had been portraying myself to others as a positive person and is confident of overcoming my health issues, but my inner negative thoughts and emotions are manifested glaringly in my journal entries. I had knowingly or unknowingly bare my soul, fear, and anxieties to others !

I must admit, cancer had in one way of another influenced my mind and perception of life. On one hand, I fought to be logical in dealing with arising issues related to my health care management, but on the other hand, I also unknowingly allowed fear and anxieties drifted me into temporary lunatical interactions with negative emotions. Come to think of it, I am, by nature, oxymoronic.

I had not been feeling well for the past two years or so, and was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 7 months ago. Since then, my mind and soul have gone through unbelievable roller coaster of mind over matter. By the grace of the Almighty, every time, when I felt that I am losing control over my mind dealing with fear and anxiety, I managed to snapped out from these dangerous mental playground to move on. I guess, despite having been ingrained with oxymoronic animal instinct, somehow, I am still a logical soul capable of rational reasonings.

I may not be in the best of health, but I am grateful to all my family members especially my wife and children for all their unconditional support and tolerance towards my occasional mood swings. I am also extremely grateful to my friends for the moral support showered on me. The Almighty is indeed graceful for blessing me with good family and good friends. One thing for sure, I will fight a good fight to recover my health and will do all that within my capability not to deprive my family members the hope of seeing me well again.

Whatever it is, I still have my pride. I will never allow myself to loose the battle against cancer without putting up a good fight. Physically, the illness may have dented my body, but emotionally, I am still what I am – I am still a man with a reputation of strong will and logical mind. I will do all that are necessary to defend myself against the evil darts of cancer.

Although, I had lost much of my appetite, but I am also thankful for all the special meals prepare for me. I treasured every words of encouragement from friends and family members, and these words shall be my armors to boost my fighting spirits against my ill health, because I know, even though I walk a lone path battling cancer, but I am not fighting this battle alone. At the end of the day, I do hope, I repay the good deeds of my family members and friends by enjoying greater degree of peace and recovered good health. Even if I loose this battle, my legacy will motivate others that I fought a good fight, and I am a good loser. And what is there for me to loose ? I know, the kingdom of the Almighty are always there to welcome me. Spiritually, I will always be a winner in the eyes of the Almighty.

In dealing with this dreaded cancer, I only have one option, that is, to win and emerged as a Survivor ! I know I will. In the mean time, please continue to pray for me and let's us sing this song together.......

Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
That sav'd a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears reliev'd;
How precious did that grace appear,
The hour I first believ'd!

Thro' many dangers, toils and snare,
I have already come;
'Tis grace has brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures;
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease;
I shall profess, within the vail,
A life of joy and peace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, who call'd me here below,
Will be for ever mine.


Anonymous said...

You are my inspiration in this trying times.I hope to face my destiny with at least a bit of your strength and positive energy. You may think you sound dark and pessimistic, but to me you are a beacon of light.
Keeping you in my thoughts....

Kit said...

Dear CK
It's only natural for you to feel this way. I'm so glad you find solace in the Almighty who is walking with you throughout this journey and teaching you valuable lessons about love and hope and how to make the best of our temporary sojourn in this earthly abode. Glad you have been keeping the faith. You are indeed a good testimony and encouragement to all. Our prayers are always with you.