Tuesday, March 03, 2009

The purpose of life ?

I have been having difficulty sleeping over the past few nights due to the side effect of the Tarceva drugs. So, this morning, I skipped my morning exercise, and rested on the bed a bit longer to recharge my energy. My usual morning exercise consist of about 6KM walk in the neighborhood and it usually lasts about approximately one hour.

Usually, I got up at around 6:00am, but today, the tiredness got into me, I got up from bed at around 9:00am. I had my light breakfast. Gosh, I can't even remember what I took for breakfast ! Is age catching up, or my Grey matters are slowly degrading ? Anyway, after breakfast I walked to the nearby convenient store to buy a copy of local newspaper. Flipping through the pages, I realized that, Malaysia is in such a pitiful and sorry state that, if you want to be happy, you better not read the local newspaper ! Firstly, our economic is not that rosy after all, and heading towards God knows where. Secondly, the constitutional crisis in Perak has been dragging on for far too long. We also have MCA indirectly telling Malaysians that all is not well within the party and the country, MIC is having a crisis in trust where millions of ringgits went missing, and UMNO as usual is preoccupying with its coming elections and racial rhetorics. I think, if these politicians can put some cooperative efforts in managing the economy rather than those unproductive politicking, Malaysia will fare far more better than the rest of the world. Whatever it is, I do sincerely hope good sense prevailed in Malaysian politics, and I do hope our Malaysian politicians are not infested with insatiable urges for power, contaminated with the hatreds of racial politics, and the greeds of corrupt practices.

Today is also the 20th day I am taking the Tarceva as supplementary chemo drugs. Honestly speaking, I don't really feel good about the whole affairs of managing the side effects. Firstly, I have to deal with the ulcers in my mouth and on my tongue, it makes consumption of foods and drinks much more uncomfortable than I thought. Secondly, the rashes has spread from my chest area all the way to my head, and I had to deal with the occasional itchiness ! Thirdly, palpitations or irregular heart beats attacked me on almost daily basis giving rise to cold sweating and discomfort at the chest area and dizziness. And as usual, I also have to deal with the daily pains and discomforts at the abdominal area and at my back. At times, I think, the Almighty fella up there do have some perverted sense of sadisms. I can't help but to ask myself this occasional questions – Why me ? Why do I have to go through this unintended punishment ? Perhaps, maybe it is a redemption for all those mistakes I committed in this life and my previous life ! Whatever it is, to make my life easier and simpler, I accept whatever that have been thrown at me, and I will fight this illness like a man, and live life to the best of my abilities.

Like it or not, I have to accept the fact that, dealing with fear, anxiety, and uncertainty during the previous 6 months or so have been the most difficult times of life. But I also realized that, no matter how difficult the circumstances are, I can always count on the blessing that, the Almighty has strengthened my character and fighting spirit, and I am now tougher than the summation of all those difficult circumstances. I had also learned to deal with the good and bad of life. The past 6 months also made me realized who my true friends are, and the love of my family members. I had been extremely lucky to be blessed with good friends and family members who continued to support me along the road of recovery.

I would like to walk out from this battle victoriously, and be a shining beacon to all those who are in the same predicament as me. Is this my purpose of life ?

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