Friday, October 31, 2008

Reflections : Life with Cancer

When I was told that I had cancer at the pancreas, my mind went blank. I refused to believe, in a state of denial, and at the same time in silent despair. Words simply can not describe how I felt over the next few days. For the first time in my life, I never felt so alone and helpless. For the first time in my life, in the quietness of the night, when I was alone, I cried.

I realized, I must come to term with the reality. I still need to be the pillar for my family. I simply cannot allow my weaknesses and negative emotions affect the emotional well beings of my wife and children. Life must go on, I must be strong for them, and that's life.

I know this is a beginning of a tough journey to restore my health. Whether I overcome this illness or not, one thing for sure, life would never be the same again for me. I pray to the Almighty to give me a second chance to restore normalcy to my life.

I count my blessing that during my times of difficulties, my relatives and friends rallied to support me. I felt so lucky to have my family showering me with prayer, care, concern, and love. It is also during this period that I discover my inner strength to confront and manage my health problem. I am proud of myself for the courage and rationality to face the consequent with objectivity. At the same time, on the day to day basis, I also felt a very strange calmness within me in dealing with pains, anxieties, and uncertainties. I know, the Almighty has sent his angels to surround me and guide me through my time of difficulties. He makes way for me when everything seemed so hopeless. I praise the Almighty for his grace and generosity. Putting rationality aside, I know, I must now also have greater faith in the Almighty.

Over the previous two week, I had also felt the miraculous power of the Almighty. I am humbled by the good blessings he bestowed on me. I have not seen Lord Jesus, But I BELIEVE he will guide me to embrace a new purpose in life, and to be a better man.

In the past, I had been arrogant in dealing with matter before me. I had always look at life at the my own perspective, at my own convenient, and my own interpretation of rationality. Between faith and reason, spirituality has always been the last of my priority. In this regard, on my bended knee, I humbly seek forgiveness from the all loving Almighty and Lord Jesus Christ.

October 28th 2008 shall be a very meaningful day for the rest of my life. On this day, I accept and surrender myself to Lord Jesus Christ. This shall also be a new beginning for me to acquire new wisdom in life, and new determination to heal my body and soul.

I know, it is going to be a long road ahead in my quest to regain my health. Come what may, I will face the best of times, and the worst of times with courage and positivities. I know, with greater control of my mind, and stronger faith in spirituality, I shall overcome. That's life.......

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Round Two : My hour glass ?

Yesterday, I had a very eerie dream. In my dream, I saw a female ghost walking into my house. The ghost is about 4 feet tall, long hair, and dressed in grayish black robe. Are all ghosts supposed to look as scary as this ? I summon all my inner strength, shouted as loud as possible, asking the ghost to leave. I told the ghost that if she had a score to settle with me, please settle it with me, and stop coming to my house to disturb my family members. And POOOHHHHH... she just disappeared! My God, am I slowly losing control over my state of sanity ?

The past one week has been predictably mild and quiet. After the chemo treatment, my body immune system is at its weakest. I was advised to stay indoor and avoid crowded places. Luckily, I was not infected with any infectious disease such as flu, cold, etc.

The intensity of the pains at my abdominal and back is getting more frequents and severely uncomfortable. Now, I had to resort to pain killer to contain the dissipation of pains to my whole body. For the past few days, I had been in a very drowsy state dozing off on the lazy chair. I hope the situation will improve over the next few days. It is frustrating to be unproductive and slowly losing control of your body.

My appetite for food is still very bad. Probably the previous regime of medication has destroyed my taste buds. There is simply no urge to eat any food that is presented to me, and every time I took a bite, I felt like throwing out. But I also realized I need to take sufficient red meat and protein to build up my red blood cells to prepare for the next chemo treatment. I will think of something to arrest this problem later.

My wife ordered a range of Eusana herb products to compliment my chemo treatment. Due to my experience with the previous alternative treatment, I now have phobia for tablets and capsules. Looking at those bottles of medication, not again ! Well, whatever it is, I got to stay calm, and stay cheerful.

This evening, the kind people from the DUMC church arranged by Pastor Gan is taking me to the church for healing prayer. I do hope spirituality can provide me the moral boaster. Whatever it is, it is my obligation to prepare my mind, body, and spirit to the highest level to launch holistic counter attacks against the those uninvited nasty looking cancer cells in my body.

Honestly, looking forward, I don't really know how much sands is left in the hour glass. Unpredictable as it may, I will take life one day at a time, look forward to many more days to come. Come what may, I will have to face the worst of times and the best of times.

Dad & Mom, I am very tired..........

Sunday, October 26, 2008

The real Dalai Baru

This is the latest photograph of Dalai Baru after Chemotherapy. So, do I look like a sicked cancer patient to you ? To all those cancer mutant cells, I am going to kick your butts and give you a real fight.......

Friday, October 24, 2008

Memories from my childhood

When I was at the age of 10 years old back in the 70's, the environment made me an independent boy ahead of my age. My father was a very hardworking vegetable seller, he went to work at 5:00AM in the morning, and came back around mid night, 7 days a week, 365 days a years. His only break is the first day of Chinese new year. My mother, who never attended a single day of formal education, is a full time housewife. Both my parents are burdened with the heavy responsibilities of taking care of 10 children.

At those young age, as with any boys or girls, I do have my desires and envied those “lucky boys and girls” that are showered with with all those extras and luxuries by their parents. However, I do realized, times are difficult for both my parents, they already tried their level best and sacrificed to give their best to the family.

It is tough to be born into a poor family...... But in a way, it is also a blessing to be born into a poor family, because, in those day, we may be poor financially, but we are rich in survival instinct !

I have learned not to further burdened my parents with unnecessary requests or needs. To earn extra pocket money, sometimes I walked to the village wet market to solicit for small job early in the morning or after school. Sometimes, they paid me 20 to 50 cents for 1 or 2 hours of work, and sometimes they offered me a bowl of noodle as wages. In those day, one bowl of noodle costs 40 cents. I do feel very proud to be able to earn my own bowl of noodle.

I remembered, when I was in Standard Four in a primary school in Kampung Boyan, I was troubled by toothache for a few days. I knew then, complaining my pains to my mother is only going burden her with extra anxiety. In order to get free dental treatment, I went to the school's headmaster, ask him for a letter of reference to the Taiping General Hospital's dental clinic. I walked from the school in Kampung Boyan to the General Hospital, managed to find my way to the dental clinic. To cut a long story short, the dentist successfully extract my decayed tooth. Praised me for my bravery. He even commented to me that one day I will become a great man (Orang Besar). Yah, I am indeed an Orang besar now – I am a grown man Now !

I will write about my other childhood memories in some other times. Until then, good night.......

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Memories of my childhood....

I attended my primary school education at the Hokkien Association in Taiping. My father used to send me to school using his old and bulky "man" bicycle........

I imitated my elder brother by holding big firecracker between my fingers and exploded it. The end result is, I end up having a split thumb......
As a young boy, I used to fish at the river behind my house. In one "accident", I end up having the fish hook stucked in my foot. My mother have to take me to the general hospital to remove the hook.....
As a young boy, I used to run around the village road in Pokok Asam in our famous "blue colour rrussian pants" chasing after snapped kites........

I once broke my hand trying to outrun all my brothers to be the first one to reach the Indian bread vendor...

My late father love to watch me doing the cha cha dance over a glass of Guiness Stout....

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Round Two : After the first Chemo

22nd October 2008

I did not have a good night sleep last night because the pain at abdominal and back was quite unbearable. I woke up at around 2:30AM, and was lying on the bed staring at the ceiling waiting for morning to come. No matter how hard I tried, sleep just won't come.

At around 5:00AM, I on my notebook to surf the net, checking and replying emails, and other stuffs I normally do on the net. As usual, At around 6:00AM, I go for my morning walk in the park and came back around 7:00AM.

Today, I guess is not really not a good day for me. Firstly, I am tired due to lack of sleep, and secondly, I don't seem to have appetite for foods even though I am hungry. And the pain at the abdominal area is getting really unbearable. Taking the painkiller will put me in a drowsy mood, and I want to be in control of myself. In fact, I am in a bit of foul moods just wanting to let go my frustration on anybody that is within my vicinity. But I guess I have to control my emotion in order not to let my negative energy disrupt the harmony of the environment.

I do ask myself why I have to suffer from this dreaded disease. But I guess it is meaningless to query the unknowns. God has given me a life, it is also his prerogative to take back this life. But whatever it is, I am nt going to pitified myself over spilled milk, I will have to be strong for myself and family members to overcome whatever difficulties that may arised in the near future.

The rest of the day are monotonous and boring, I just don't know how to pass my time today, perhaps, I am too moody today.

The only good news I received today is, when my son show me a letter from the college that he qualified for graduation in the B. Sc ( hons) program. At least now I have one less financial burden and look forward to see this young man start a new career and a life of his own.

Oh yah, I also forgot to mention that, my God daughter gave birth to a healthy baby boy last week. Due to my current health condition, I have not been able to visit my God Daughter and my “grandson” yet. Anyway, I am very happy that Almighty God gave a new life and a new hope to my family. I look forward to hold my “grandson” on my lap......... At 48 years old, and I already have a grandson !

Despite all the setbacks, life is, after all not so bad. At least, I still have a healthy, happy, and supportive family.

I do hope tonight I can have a good night sleep.......................

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Round Two : Monday blues.....

My wife and two personal friends accompanied me to Tung Shin Hospital on Monday morning. The chemotherapy session started at 9:00AM and finished at 11:00AM, after which I was checked into the ward room at 11:30AM to rest. I was discharged at 4:30PM after settling all the hospital bills. As usual, Traffic in Kuala Lumpur, followed by Federal Highway, were a bit congested. I managed to reached home slightly before 7:00PM.

Prior to start of the treatment session, I was a bit nervous and in a state of unsure mind because I have heard a lot of scary stories of the side effects and success rate of chemotherapy from various sources. There are friends who strongly advised me against chemotherapy, some advised me go for surgical options, and some advised the various options of chemotherapy. Admittedly, I was overload with information from many well intended friends which cause my indecisiveness. At the end of the day, rationality has to prevail, I consulted medical professional, and was advised to proceed with Chemotherapy immediately.

The chemotherapy session took slightly more than 2 hours where a combination of drug was dripped intravenously via my right arm. I don't feel much discomfort throughout the session, except some numbness and coldness in my right arm.

Throughout the day, I was a bit tired. Probably due to the fact that formula of medications are working its way to destroy all the good and bad cells in the body. For the next 7 days or so, my immune system will be down. I was advised to take complete rest, drink a lot of water, and not to have too many visitor for fear of infectious diseases.

My next appointment will be three week from now. Until then, I will have to manage it from here, and hopefully, no complications arise. But today, a day after the chemo treatment, I feel lousy.........

I checked my mailbox today, I had not been reading my mails for the past two weeks, and there are thousands of emails in my mailbox. Most of them are probably junk mails. But I found one mail from my brother. My brother send me this Youtube video clip. It is very soothing and spiritually motivating. Thank you brother.

God will make a way,
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way.

By a roadway in the wilderness, He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
He will do something new today.

God will make a way,
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way

Om mani pedme hum.....................

Friday, October 17, 2008

Round Two : the lighter side of God....

Yesterday, I consulted an Oncology at Tung Shin Hospital, and made preparation and paperwork for admission the following Monday to start my Chemotherapy. I had a light lunch with my wife and a personal friend in Petaling Jaya. After lunch, I went to DUMC in Section 13 to see a Pastor friend, Pastor Gan. The kind pastor provide me some spiritual advises, pray for me, and at the same time ask me to also pray to Lord Jesus anytime at home.

Towards later part of the day at around 4:00PM, I decide to go outside the small garden of my house to do some light exercise. The sky is a bit gloomy and looks like it is going to rain soon. Looking upward at the sky, suddenly I was reminded of Pastor Gan's advise of offering prayer to Lord Jesus.

So, looking upward at the sky, my prayer goes like this : “ Lord Jesus, I surrender myself to you, tell me what should I do next ?.......

For a moment, there is no special feelings, changes in environment, or whatever extraordinary spiritual phenomena occurred. I told myself, well, who am I to ask the Mighty Lord Jesus to manifest his answer to me. I pause for a moment, took out a cigarette, lighted it, and took a deep puff. Immediately after I blow out a puff of smoke, suddenly there is a flash of lightning from the sky, followed by a series of loud thunders !

Wow, that was a mighty powerful message !!! Whoever up there must be pretty funny and have a good sense of humor.

Om Namo Amithaba Buddha

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Round Two : beginning of another challenge.....

Yesterday's blood test result does not meet my first treatment regime's objective of bringing down the cancer markers readings. I realized, when dealing with cancer, I simply does not have the luxury of time to prolong this alternative treatment. I must now consider another new strategy to counter the cancerous cells. However, all efforts incurred during the first treatment regime are not wasted. At least, it miraculously solved my WPW syndrome. I sincerely like to thank my “medicine man” for curing my WPW syndrome.

Coming back to the cancer treatment, I revisited all my options again taking into considerations of my family members' advises and opinions. As it is, I realized, the tumor is too large to be surgically removed, and it involved too many complications and risks. Therefore, for the time being, surgical procedure is not the best option.

I had also consulted an Oncologist and was recommended to go for 6 rounds of chemotherapy and radio therapy to reduce the size of the tumor. After which, If the size f the tumor is reduced, I will have to make a decision to consider surgical removal. The chemotherapy will be administered once every three weeks. One session of the chemotherapy will costs approximately RM 5,000. The first session is scheduled on Monday. So “Round Two” would probably costs me another RM 30,000.

I never have any experiences dealing with chemotherapy, and I have also heard of many scary stories on the side effects of chemotherapy. Whatever it is, if this is the necessary obstacles I have to go through, then so be it. The best I can do now is to mentally prepare myself to be ready for these unpleasant eventualities, if there are any.

It has been an eventful three weeks for me. Whatever decision I am going to make, I have to take into considerations of the feelings and wishes of my family members. To decide on adopting chemotherapy is also an extremely difficult decisions. I do sincerely hope my family members and friends can support this latest decision of mine.

I also realized, while I can do whatever that is humanly possible to fight against this disease, the outcome is still very much depend on the grace of the one and powerful Almighty. In this regards, I submit and surrender myself to him. I pray that, he will make a way for me in my quest to rid cancerous cells from my body.

Please do continue to pray for me............

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The fight is still on.... Round One Revisited.

I got my blood test result today. Sad to note that, the readings for cancer markers actually gone up. So, looks like I lost Round One. Well, as in a boxing match, there are still 14 more rounds to go, unless I am prematurely KO before the bell ring. Whatever it is, I will give those funny mutants a fight, and I will never allow myself to be floored.

Frankly, I am a bit disappointed with the blood test result. But, I know, I have not lost the battle yet. It is still a long road ahead. The mutants have managed to fell a little tree in my garden, but I still have a forest behind me. I will have to quickly revisit my strategy over the next 24 hours, and revised my “business plan” to counter attack those stubborn mutants in my body. I will find a way to condition myself to win.

For the next few hours, I will ex-communicate myself, find a quiet place to seek peace within, and to re-energize my mind and body. Perhaps, I need also to seriously look into spiritual guidance to make sense of my present perspective.

Although I am already a salmon on reverse journey home, but to allow the mutants to force me to abandon my journey in mid-stream is not my destiny. I shall overcome this little setback, I know, I will.

So, Round Two, HERE I COME.

Om Namo Amithaba Buddha...... Om Vajrapani Hum...

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The fight is still on.... Round Two.

Finally, I completed my treatment regime yesterday. I went for the blood test today. Hopefully, the result will be out tomorrow or Thursday. Looking back, during the last 19 days, I consumed 22 bottles of medications, on vegetable and fruit juices diets, and strictly no animal fat, sugar, etc. In the process, I lost another 10 Kg of weight, I am now 75kg. Comparing with my previous weight of 100+ Kg, that is a substantial weight lost. I have never consumed so much medicine and lost so much weight in my entire life. Can I count it as an achievement ? That funny fella up there does indeed has a great sense of perverted humors.

For the next few days, I am on “medical holiday”. That means, no medications for the next few days. I am beginning to have phobia for medicine. Whatever it is, I will wait for my blood test result before I commit myself to any treatment decision. Hopefully, I don't have to go through another round of treatment regime.

I missed my favorite foods and beverages. Talking about beverages, I really missed my favorite cup of hot coffee. It has been more than 2 months since I last have a sip of coffee........

Coffee prayer

Almighty Coffee,
thy aroma drives me crazy.
Where art thou shall lead me ?
The road ahead is, but insanity.
With addicted stupidity,
how can I tell me where it will be ?

Caffeine, oh caffeine,
how can I understand thee ?
What is, is not what seemed to be.
Let the world hurried by,
let the world stand still.
I am,
elusively what I seemed not to be.
The desires to be intoxicated by thee,
does in fact pleases my senses,
of not to be, and yet seemingly be.

I know,
I may not have knowledge of the road ahead.
Carpe diem !
With a sip of your greatness,
you deliver the sereneness to my senses,
to be at peace with myself for the time being,
to soothe my fears and troubles alone.
Tomorrow shall come, but let it be.

From here, with a cup of thee,
Tell me, is there eternity ?
Answer me not,
for the answer lies within me.
With my bended knee,
I am, but Saint Coffee !

On Namo Amithaba Buddha...... Om Vajrapani Hum...

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Another week gone by, looking back....

Today is Sunday, as usual, I had my daily “morning walk” for about an hour, then came back home to start my first oral medication at 7:00AM. My daily schedule for medication is 7:00AM, 9:00AM, 10:00Am, 11:00AM, 1:00PM, 3:00PM, 7:00PM, 8:00PM, and 10:00PM. Today is the 18th day of my treatment regime.

My abdominal pains has ease slightly, but my back pain is still persistently uncomfortable. I do hope this discomfort can ease off over the nest few days. I am still optimistic that the situation will improve in due course. I just have to believe and have faith in whatever I do now.

Reflecting on the week that was, I do realized, my decision to adopt alternative treatment is not well accepted by some of my family members. My sister sent me a strongly worded email day before yesterday asking me not to be so stubborn to refuse immediate surgical procedure to remove the tumor. She also reminded me of how my mother died of cancer. To her, alternative medicine is hocus pocus and unscientific. I respected her opinion, I know she loves me very much, and do not want to see me suffer from cancer without proper evidence based medical treatment. Over the past few weeks, everybody have gave me advises and suggestion, I know, all of them meant well and care for my well being. But I am responsible for my own life, I have made my decision based on facts available to me. I will definitely review my decision on what other best options to pursue taking into consideration of my present treatment's progress. One thing sure, I will fight to win, and I will not give up easily. I valued life and I will not let anybody down.

Honestly, the memories of how my mother passed away is indeed the most painful memories of my life. I saw how her well built body was slowly destroyed and frailed by cancer. My mother passed away 15 years ago, but as I go through this dreaded illness, everyday, I am reminded of her sufferings and painful memories. I definitely do not want my loved one and family members go through this emotional experiences again.

Occasionally, with the finality of death hanging over your head, I do experience a lot of pressure dealing with my daily life. Believe me, it is not an easy stuff of self motivation of staying cheerful and positive. Whatever it is, I will not allow the negative energies of pains and uncertainty dissipate out to affect the emotional well being of my wife and children. I know, from now on till I win my battle, I have to held my head high to fight this disease with dignity. I believe, when there is a will, there is a way. I shall willed myself to seek all available resources to confront and seek the best curative actions. Letting death becoming me is definitely not an option. My time is not up yet !

Next Tuesday, I will go for my blood test to measure my performance. The pathological result will probably be out on Thursday. Until then, I will take one thing at a time, and decide my next course of action then.

On Namo Amithaba Buddha...... OmVajrapani Hum...

Friday, October 10, 2008

Another day gone by, looking forward....

Today is the 16th day of my treatment regime. I have lost counts of how many tablets or capsules of medication I consumed on daily basis. Probably around 40 to 50 a day ! These medications taste horrible. I guess that is the price I got to pay for not keeping a healthy lifestyle and diet. If I ever get well again, I will make sure I will keep my body in good physical condition.

I had been also suffering from Wolff-Parkinson-White Syndrome for many years, where there is an accessory pathway in my heart that produce undesirable pulses. The doctor once did told me that I run the risk of sudden death. This syndrome has been a cause of unpleasant emotional burden to me for many years. The surprising thing is, the heart specialist ran a test on me about a week ago, and confirmed that I am already cured of Wolff-Parkinson-White Syndrome ! What a miracle. Perhaps, all the kind prayers by family members and friends touched the grace of the Almighty. I guess, the Almighty did love me. I also want to thank my “medicine man” for prescribing the right alternative treatment for me over the previous two weeks.

Coming back to my tumor, I do hope the current regime of alternative treatment worked this time, and I also hope the Almighty can grant me another miracle. Anyway, I should know the result by mid next week. Whatever it is, I will shoulder on with the right diets and schedule for medications. They said, God only helps those who help themselves. In this regards, I have to have faith and fully committed to this treatment regime. Whatever it is, I leave it to the Almighty to decide the outcome and the curative actions that are needed in the future.

Time flies, I had been “out-of-work” for approximately 2 months now. I am now having a very unhealthy financial position and I am running on “Overdraft” facility now. It is indeed an expensive affair to fell sick. Money don't fall down from heaven, I need to get back to work as soon as possible. Hopefully, by end of next week, I should be in better physical condition to look into and manage my financial position.

Coming back to my physical health, I do believe, the long rest and medication has done me a lot of good. In spite of the frequent abdominal and back pain, I am actually more alert and healthier. Of course, I do suffered from frequent frustrations and occasional negative feelings dealng with the ups and downs, but I have come to term with this new reality, and I am coping well. Whatever it is, I shall overcome.

That's life.............


人生如夢 ?
應該不是吧 ?

人生就如一杯咖啡 !

你有体验和品尝過什么 ?

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

老婆, 谢谢你

老婆, 谢谢你.



老婆, 我非常感谢你!

Another day gone by, what be ?

What a blessing to wake up alive in the morning ! The morning air is indeed refreshing.

For the past two weeks or so, I have been waking up at 5:30AM in the morning, and have approximately one hours of morning walk around the park to “sweat it out”. And at 7:00AM, have my first dosage of medications. The rest of the day are pretty much the same on hourly medications. The diet and medications have done me a lot of good. At least, I am now not overweight, my skin is now more radiant, and physically I am more healthier than before. I must now have more faith in myself and the treatment regime.

Emotionally speaking, I think I have had my fair share of ups and downs over the previous few weeks. There are just simply too much anxieties, worries, sense of helplessness, fear of death, and whatever negativities that came along. And occasionally, my mind just went blank and drifted into endless loops of recursions over nothings. The fear of unknowns and the lack of control are indeed new experiences for me.

All my whole life, I always have reasonable control in everything I want to do. But this tumor thingy is creating a lot of uncertainty on everything. I am also beginning to have growing uncomfortable abdominal and back pains. I don't really know whether the medication is really working as in “healing crisis” or the general situation is taking a turn at the wrong direction. The mind is indeed a dangerous playground. If you have too much idle time and let your mind wondering around, you may end-up worrying about a lot of unnecessary probabilities which are of no benefits. But that was pretty much my recent state of mind. I guess if you put your mind onto a collision course with the fear of death, you will eventually end up consumed by the that stupid fear and earned yourself a place in history as a coward. I am born a hero, if I have to go down, I will go down as hero of my choosing.

Whatever it is, I did not asked to be inflicted with this dreaded illness. I know, it is a common disease of modern lifestyles. I Just need to stay mentally strong by observing some basic lifestyle changes and have faith in the medications.

Frankly, I am not an overly emotional man, but, words, are difficult to describe my difficulties at times like this. But I also realized I had come a long way from overcoming many difficult situations before, perhaps, any other difficult situation that are going to come by would not be that difficult after all. I got to stay positive and fight this battle. I know, eventually, with proper management of mind, medications, and spirituality, I will win this battle. I simply can not let my family down.

I am after all, a rational being. Therefore, instead of letting my emotion stray wild on negativities, I better take control of myself to stay positive, and manage the situation as rational as possible. The Almighty has blessed me with great fighting spirits, this, my friends, shall be my greatest weapon to win.

C'est La Vie, you only live once, Carp Diem ! The rest, I leave it to the Almighty to dictate.

Om Namo Amithaba Buddha...................

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Another day gone by, but more frustrations....

Today is my 13th day of alternative medication regime. Sad to discover that the medication was supplied short to me since few days ago. In another word, I had already run out of some medications. Although I paid in advance for the full course of the medication, but some of the medications are supplied to me in less than the required quantity.

My wife had been trying to contact the “medicine man” to replenish the medicines, but he was always too busy to fulfill his part of the obligation of delivering full course medication to me. Prior to starting the treatment regime, I was told that, in order for the medications to be effective, I need to follow strictly to the schedule, but how do I comply to the schedule when the medication are supplied short to me ? I guess, in the event the treatment produce no significant result, the “medicine man” can always blame me for not following strictly to the regime.... Silly me, there is always a catch-22 situation for failure !

Looking at the situation, I don't have a good feeling this alternative treatment is going to work. Maybe it is advisable abandon this alternative treatments, and to revert to conventional and more trustworthy medicines of surgery and chemotherapy.

Well, two weeks wasted.......... as usual, I am a bit frustrated....

Sunday, October 05, 2008

As I look back.....

Over the previous weeks, I had been reflecting and looking back at life. What do I really understand about life ? Honestly, what have I really achieved in life thus far ? What have I accomplished for my family and loved ones ? The funny thing is, the more I probed myself with questions, the more insignificant I felt. Life is, after all, a lesson imperfectly learned. It is basically a passage of times, where I am merely an insignificant electron zig-zagging across the the wide cosmic universe seeking guidance from an elusive higher being for a purpose of my existence.

I wrote the following in 2006, I am posting it again to reflect my mood this Sunday morning :

is like a game of cards,
one by one,
the card is opened by unseen hand.

Although my heart
is filled with love for you,
but soon the rhythms must halt.
I must whisper a quiet goodbye,
and journey to the promised land.

Looking back,
I’ve tried my best,
to provide the comforts and love.
I have unselfishly tried my very best.

I leave behind my love,
please keep it
in a little corner of your hearts,
and cherish it among yourselves................

Do not weep at my graveside,
do not bring me flowers.
I can no longer feel
with my eyes closed,
and my soul in eternal rest.
Just pray to GOD
that he will guide me to the promised land,
where I can be together again with my beloved parents.

Thank you for everything.
Although Life is
a difficult lesson imperfectly learned,
But I have lived a meaningful life.
A life of no regrets!

I pray that God grants you the strengths,
to continue living
with honesty, generosity, & love.
And to live a meaningful life,
and a life of no regrets.