As I see it.....

I felt very sad to learn that, Patrick Swayze died at the age of 57 on September 14, 2009. He was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer in January 2008. Since I was diagnosed with cancer in September 2008, I followed closely his 20 months battle with cancer. In addition to subject himself to various treatments, he remain positive and keep his heart,soul, and spirit open to miracles, but sadly, miracle eluded him. I can understand the level of pains he went through, perhaps, death is the ultimate escape from the physical miseries inflicted by the dreaded illness. May he rest in peace.

As I see it, cancer is a dreaded disease. For previous 12 months, in my search to seek cure for my illness, the so called modern medicines also subjected myself to endure so much unbearable pains and discomforts. I also have to endure the humiliation and anxieties of the various treatment procedures. On the spiritual side, I am also constantly being disturbed by some misguided souls who advised me to abandon treatment and seek the healing miracles of prayers to the Almighty. Initially, I went for prayers after prayers, and eventually realized that, these are all futile exercises. My take on these is, healing comes from within, and it got nothing to do with the Almighty, and I sincerely do not think the Almighty is capable to heal sicknesses. Ever wonder why there are so many deaths from illnesses all over the world ? I guess, when we are healthy and wealthy, we can always praise the lord for blessing us with health and wealth, but when we are sick, it is every man his own ! We got to believe in ourself to seek cure and move on with life.

At times, as the intensity of the level of pains increased, I resigned myself to the fact that I am fighting a losing battle. It is not that I am not positive or give up easily, but, I am only a human being unaccustomed to all these new found pains, discomforts, and sufferings, and there is a threshold on how much I can take. In my attempt to prolong my life, is it worth it if this prolong life span is tainted with pains and degradations ? Although I count myself lucky to be surrounded by caring family members and friends, but when dealing with this terminal illness, it is about me and how I deal with my fear of the eventualities. I do not think my family members and friends understand my state of minds, because I myself, at times, also wandering and lost in my own state of confusions. Sometimes, I do wonder whether it would be better off for me and my family members if I just end it – no more sufferings, no more fears, no more uncertainties, and most important of all, I am no more a burden to my loved ones.

Coming back to reality, I know, I can not be so irresponsible to neglect the emotional well beings of my loved ones. The least I can do now, is to keep fighting like a warrior and not to let them down. I will continue to keep my mind and heart open to miracles. I walked through the most difficult patch of my life during the previous 12 months, from now on, how much tougher can it be ? Perhaps, I will be lucky soon. I know, as long as I stay clear of negative emotions and never give up, I will eventually find a way to overcome.

Praise the lord.....