Round 8 : the lingering side effects....

Today is the fourth day of my 7th chemotherapy session. The previous six sessions of chemotherapies has been working havoc in my system that my body is beginning to reject the idea of further administration of chemo drugs. The resistant for the administration of chemo drug is so strong that, few days before the chemo session, I was already overcame with anticipatory nausea and anxieties.

I had a disturbed sleep yesterday due to some minor discomfort at my abdominal areas and back pain, and subsequently, I woke this morning feeling extremely exhausted. How do I describe how I felt this morning ? It is kind of uneasy feeling radiated from every part of your telling you that all is still not well. I guess this uneasy feeling are caused by the disturbed sleep as a result of the side effects from the chemo drugs.

For a start, the rashes caused by the Tarceva drugs is still there causing slight itchiness to my scalp and body. Some of the rashes appear on the face, and looked like pimples and acnes. The Clobet Cream prescribed by the doctor has help to ease the itch and tapper off the rashes. So, the effect of rashes is manageable at the moment.

As of today, I am still having tingling sensation and sight pain on the side of the arm where the chemo drugs was intravenously administered. Based on my experience, usually, these sensory discomfort disappeared after a week or so. At the moment I am not worry about this minor neuropathy issues. Hopefully, my body can recover quickly enough to lessen the duration of this sensory discomforts.

When I first started the chemotherapy, one of my first fear was the loss of hair. My hair started to drop after the 3rd chemotherapy, but miraculous stopped after the sixth chemotherapy. By the grace of God, my hair now has grown back. However, I noticed, the texture of the hair is now slightly different compare to what it used to be. My hair now is “more fine” and soft, and it is easier to manage.

Personally speaking, the most dreaded side effects I encountered so far are Nausea and the sensation of feeling like vomiting. Usually, these queasy sensations last about 1 to 2 weeks. Sometimes, the sensations is so bad that, the mere sight and odors of foods caused mood swings and rejection of foods. Although the doctor had prescribed anti emetics such as Nexsum, but so far, the drug does not really help to lessen the discomfort. I had resorted to use deep and slow breathing techniques to lessen this discomforts, in a way, the breathing exercise does help a lot.

It's been more than 7 months I am dealing with this treatment issues. I learned to deal with the daily physical pains and discomforts cause by the tumors, and the emtional distressed caused by anxieties, uncertainties, and fears. But personally speaking, dealing with the side effects is the most difficult and challenging issues that confronted me daily. Come to think of it, I had been bombarded with all sort of side effects for the previous 7 months. Surprisingly, I am still able to handle it well. The Almighty is indeed graceful to grant me the strength to overcome these anguishes and adversaries. I realized, the quality of my life now is a consequent of how I manage these side effects. So far, I think I am managing these side effects well ! I look at life this way, I am a fighter ! At the end of the day, I plan to see my children have children of their own, and I will have my good laugh inside........

That's life....

Round 8 : It's done...

I had been in and out of the hospital too frequent, so much so that I am already very familiar with every little details of the surroundings. One of these day, the hospital will have to hire me as their maintenence manager, otherwise it would be a great loss to the hospital's management. I guess, even if I am blindfolded, I will still be able to maneuvering around the hospital to go to the cafeteria, the laboratory, and the treatment room !

How do I feel about going to the hospital ? Well, my familiarity with the hospital and treatment procedures bred indifferences. I no longer have the fears of going to the hospital to seek treatment. I am also no longer see the benefit of indulging in anxieties and hope. To a certain extend, every time before I go to the hospital, I just tell myself, what the hecks, let's just get there, and do whatever the good doctor prescribe. Well, that's right, let just go to the mountain top, and from there, access the beauty of the valley. Let your deluded mind imagine how lush and green is the valley ! Yes, that lone, green, and lush valley stretches far away. It is the food of my mind and the future domain of my soul - It is the garden of the Almighty. The Almighty's creation is indeed beautiful.

As usual, I did my blood test today, done with my physical examination of pulse rate, blood pressure, and tumor sensing, and finally intravenously administered the cocktails of chemo drugs. I was also prescribed with another 30 days of Tarceva to be taken orally to compliment the chemotherapy. No surprises, and everything went on smoothly. The funny thing is, after so many times of being administered with chemo drugs intravenously, I still have some minor phobia of needles ! What I did this morning is, when the good doctor is about to insert the butterfly shaped needle into my hand, I imagined a beautiful bright coloured butterfly landing softly on my palm, caressing and kissing my palm seeking permission to deliver goodness into my body. How can my deluded mind reject such wonderful offering from the creation of the Almighty ? I accepted the offer and off I go into another 2 hours of slow drippings.......

The good doctor also suggested I come back to the hospital in another three weeks time for assessment of my progress and plan treatment strategy for the next step of actions. Well, it looks like I will have to dig trenches for the long battle to come. Whatever it is, I have faith that, things will work out eventually.

Looking back, I am indeed amazed that I have courageously went through 7 months of difficult journey of recovering my health. Indeed, the Almighty has been indeed graceful in leading me to conquer fears, gaining strengths, manage anxieties, and blessed me with abundance hope to shoulder on. I am no longer obsessed with the sentimentalism of the pasts, neither am I obsessed with the achievements of the future. I will live life as it is, as it come, and follow the flows...

Well, what else can I say ? It's been an amazing journey of self discovery and enlightenment. I am now embarking wonderingly into a journey to my soul, and, the journey has just begun...... Spiritually speaking, is this a breakthrough, or potentially a future breakdown? Whatever it is, it doesn't really matter what the outcome is going to be, I have faith in the Almighty, and I am going to rejoice life NOW. Or perhaps, I already achieved enlightenments but refused to acknowledge it ? Ha. ha... I know sometimes I am moronically insane !

It is still a wonderfully world out there, and I am going to smell the roses, enjoy the fresh air of the morning, and feel the warm of the morning sunshine..... That's life !

Round 8 : The last round ?

Oh, not again ! Tomorrow I have to go for the 7th round of chemotherapy. The thought of spending more than 2 hours patiently waiting for the cocktails of liquid drugs being intravenously feed into my body made me very uncomfortable. Honestly, I am already very fed-up, or perhaps felt very frustrated with all those needles poking into me for all those blood test, administration of chemo drugs, and for various tests.

Another round of chemotherapy ? I am so very tired !!!

Most likely, the good doctor will order me to go through some basic blood test, administer the chemotherapy, then prescribe another 30 days of Tarceva drugs to be taken orally. So, it looks like by April 11th 2009, I should be finishing all my Chemotherapy sessions. After that, the doctor will probably order another Computer Tomography scan and blood test, before deciding on next course of actions.

Well, time flies ! It has been more than 7 months of treatment regime to counter the cancer. I do sincerely hope I do not have to go through another 7 more months of treatment regime. It's been a very frustrating experience mentally and emotionally. I am confident that, by the end of the 7th round of chemotherapy, the tumor would be knocked out, and the cancer marker drift ed back to its normal range. Looking back, during the previous 7 months, my life has been turned upside down. I felt easily fatigued, lacked of appetite, and went through all those dreadful side effects I mentioned in my previous posts. I almost lost ll my hair and looked like a very different person ! And on a daily basis, I was constantly being hit combination of negative emotions such as fear, anxiety, anger, frustration, sadness, etc. Physically, I have also lost more than 25kg of weight, and change in physical appearance. In short, this cancer thingy shaken me unexpectedly, and disrupted my normal routines, lifestyle, and and habits. At times, I am at a lost for words on how to express my experiences, expectations, and frustrations to my loved one. I know, It has not been easy on them having to provide cares to me, and at the same times bearing with my fluctuating emotionalities. I do sincerely hope they can bear with me a little bit longer while the fight is still on.

During the past few months, I have also increasingly turning into religion trying to harmonize my body and soul. It is also my hope that, with stronger faith in spirituality, I can trigger my body automatic healing response for spontaneous remission of the tumors. In another word, as much as I believe in the conventional treatment protocols, I am also praying for miracles to happened !

I know, it is difficult to put up a brave front when you know you are sick with uncertain treatment outcomes. I shall keep my faith for healing, and go about my life as routinely as possible. In dealing with this adversities, I must remain positive to keep good vibes, resiliencies, and energies to beat all those cancer cells circulating within my bodies. I know, it is and will be a hard battle ahead against those cancer cells, but I am going to make it, and I am going to beat all those cancer cells in my journer towards recovery of health.

Life is but a dream

“...Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Life is but a dream.”

I had trouble sleeping again tonight. The new drug is causing too much discomforts to my system, causing me to stay awake throughout the night. Well, the funny fella up there is playing tricks with me again !!!! Instead of challenging the Almighty to bring sleep into my realm, I might as well do something productive to pen down my thoughts and ranting of the day.

Come to think of it, we had been pre-conditioned to treat life as everything but a dream. In dreams, we may have nightmares and pleasant manifestations, but eventually we wake up to reality. But in real life, by the time we wake up or enlightened, we are probably six feet under. Sometimes, how I wish life is a dream where I don't have to wake up. Life in itself is journey of uncertainties and surprises. Exactly, what is our purpose of life ? I was told, the purpose of life is to live life with a purpose ! What a infinite recursive looping of thoughts trying to seek something out of nothingness. Is life like the water in the stream where once it flown by you, it will never come back again ? With our bare palm, how do we grasp the flowing water, squander the seconds, and turn the brief moment of ecstasy into eternity ? The above nursery rhyme reminds me to treat life as it is, like a boat going down the stream, I will need to go with the flow, and live life gently and merrily along the so called journey to the beautiful garden of the Almighty. But whatever it is, it is about time I start investing in the Kingdom of the Almighty. I shall do my level best to plant a good deed daily in this weary world of spirituality and materialism.

Looking back in this humanistic journey, at a young age with an empty minds, we are educated where our mind our filled with elusive knowledges. The problem is, we may be educated, but not learned. Most of us end up, either as open minded or narrow minded. Would we be able to align our consciousness with the truth ? I doubt, in this life time, I can comprehend and grasp the truth of being. We live life aimlessly trying to fill material possessions, pleasures, and spirituality within the space of time between birth and death. Would we be able to find our true purpose in this sea of desires for possessions, pleasures, and spirituality ?

Is the reality I live in a creation of the Almighty, or is it my unconscious doings ? Do I understand the reality I live in ? How do we not let our ignorant of the reality control the brevity of our destiny ? While living today, most of us are pre-occupied with the worries for tomorrow. Is this our purpose in life ? Should we seek solace in “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. “ (Matthew, 6:34)

The future belongs to the domain of the uncertain. Do I have control over this domain ? If I do not have control over the future uncertainties, then why should I preoccupied myself with this unproductive mental stupidities ? As for me, tonight, and as usual, I decided that my purpose of life is to be HAPPY. With or without cancer, my happiness depends on my thinking, my perception, and the state of my mind over my environment and habitat. So, by hook or by crook, I shall live the present placidly, keep an open mind, stay positive, and seek to embrace the joyful energies surrounding me.

"Can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life?" (Matthew 6:27) Well, That's life !

The purpose of life ?

I have been having difficulty sleeping over the past few nights due to the side effect of the Tarceva drugs. So, this morning, I skipped my morning exercise, and rested on the bed a bit longer to recharge my energy. My usual morning exercise consist of about 6KM walk in the neighborhood and it usually lasts about approximately one hour.

Usually, I got up at around 6:00am, but today, the tiredness got into me, I got up from bed at around 9:00am. I had my light breakfast. Gosh, I can't even remember what I took for breakfast ! Is age catching up, or my Grey matters are slowly degrading ? Anyway, after breakfast I walked to the nearby convenient store to buy a copy of local newspaper. Flipping through the pages, I realized that, Malaysia is in such a pitiful and sorry state that, if you want to be happy, you better not read the local newspaper ! Firstly, our economic is not that rosy after all, and heading towards God knows where. Secondly, the constitutional crisis in Perak has been dragging on for far too long. We also have MCA indirectly telling Malaysians that all is not well within the party and the country, MIC is having a crisis in trust where millions of ringgits went missing, and UMNO as usual is preoccupying with its coming elections and racial rhetorics. I think, if these politicians can put some cooperative efforts in managing the economy rather than those unproductive politicking, Malaysia will fare far more better than the rest of the world. Whatever it is, I do sincerely hope good sense prevailed in Malaysian politics, and I do hope our Malaysian politicians are not infested with insatiable urges for power, contaminated with the hatreds of racial politics, and the greeds of corrupt practices.

Today is also the 20th day I am taking the Tarceva as supplementary chemo drugs. Honestly speaking, I don't really feel good about the whole affairs of managing the side effects. Firstly, I have to deal with the ulcers in my mouth and on my tongue, it makes consumption of foods and drinks much more uncomfortable than I thought. Secondly, the rashes has spread from my chest area all the way to my head, and I had to deal with the occasional itchiness ! Thirdly, palpitations or irregular heart beats attacked me on almost daily basis giving rise to cold sweating and discomfort at the chest area and dizziness. And as usual, I also have to deal with the daily pains and discomforts at the abdominal area and at my back. At times, I think, the Almighty fella up there do have some perverted sense of sadisms. I can't help but to ask myself this occasional questions – Why me ? Why do I have to go through this unintended punishment ? Perhaps, maybe it is a redemption for all those mistakes I committed in this life and my previous life ! Whatever it is, to make my life easier and simpler, I accept whatever that have been thrown at me, and I will fight this illness like a man, and live life to the best of my abilities.

Like it or not, I have to accept the fact that, dealing with fear, anxiety, and uncertainty during the previous 6 months or so have been the most difficult times of life. But I also realized that, no matter how difficult the circumstances are, I can always count on the blessing that, the Almighty has strengthened my character and fighting spirit, and I am now tougher than the summation of all those difficult circumstances. I had also learned to deal with the good and bad of life. The past 6 months also made me realized who my true friends are, and the love of my family members. I had been extremely lucky to be blessed with good friends and family members who continued to support me along the road of recovery.

I would like to walk out from this battle victoriously, and be a shining beacon to all those who are in the same predicament as me. Is this my purpose of life ?