Reflections : Life with Cancer

When I was told that I had cancer at the pancreas, my mind went blank. I refused to believe, in a state of denial, and at the same time in silent despair. Words simply can not describe how I felt over the next few days. For the first time in my life, I never felt so alone and helpless. For the first time in my life, in the quietness of the night, when I was alone, I cried.

I realized, I must come to term with the reality. I still need to be the pillar for my family. I simply cannot allow my weaknesses and negative emotions affect the emotional well beings of my wife and children. Life must go on, I must be strong for them, and that's life.

I know this is a beginning of a tough journey to restore my health. Whether I overcome this illness or not, one thing for sure, life would never be the same again for me. I pray to the Almighty to give me a second chance to restore normalcy to my life.

I count my blessing that during my times of difficulties, my relatives and friends rallied to support me. I felt so lucky to have my family showering me with prayer, care, concern, and love. It is also during this period that I discover my inner strength to confront and manage my health problem. I am proud of myself for the courage and rationality to face the consequent with objectivity. At the same time, on the day to day basis, I also felt a very strange calmness within me in dealing with pains, anxieties, and uncertainties. I know, the Almighty has sent his angels to surround me and guide me through my time of difficulties. He makes way for me when everything seemed so hopeless. I praise the Almighty for his grace and generosity. Putting rationality aside, I know, I must now also have greater faith in the Almighty.

Over the previous two week, I had also felt the miraculous power of the Almighty. I am humbled by the good blessings he bestowed on me. I have not seen Lord Jesus, But I BELIEVE he will guide me to embrace a new purpose in life, and to be a better man.

In the past, I had been arrogant in dealing with matter before me. I had always look at life at the my own perspective, at my own convenient, and my own interpretation of rationality. Between faith and reason, spirituality has always been the last of my priority. In this regard, on my bended knee, I humbly seek forgiveness from the all loving Almighty and Lord Jesus Christ.

October 28th 2008 shall be a very meaningful day for the rest of my life. On this day, I accept and surrender myself to Lord Jesus Christ. This shall also be a new beginning for me to acquire new wisdom in life, and new determination to heal my body and soul.

I know, it is going to be a long road ahead in my quest to regain my health. Come what may, I will face the best of times, and the worst of times with courage and positivities. I know, with greater control of my mind, and stronger faith in spirituality, I shall overcome. That's life.......

Round Two : My hour glass ?

Yesterday, I had a very eerie dream. In my dream, I saw a female ghost walking into my house. The ghost is about 4 feet tall, long hair, and dressed in grayish black robe. Are all ghosts supposed to look as scary as this ? I summon all my inner strength, shouted as loud as possible, asking the ghost to leave. I told the ghost that if she had a score to settle with me, please settle it with me, and stop coming to my house to disturb my family members. And POOOHHHHH... she just disappeared! My God, am I slowly losing control over my state of sanity ?

The past one week has been predictably mild and quiet. After the chemo treatment, my body immune system is at its weakest. I was advised to stay indoor and avoid crowded places. Luckily, I was not infected with any infectious disease such as flu, cold, etc.

The intensity of the pains at my abdominal and back is getting more frequents and severely uncomfortable. Now, I had to resort to pain killer to contain the dissipation of pains to my whole body. For the past few days, I had been in a very drowsy state dozing off on the lazy chair. I hope the situation will improve over the next few days. It is frustrating to be unproductive and slowly losing control of your body.

My appetite for food is still very bad. Probably the previous regime of medication has destroyed my taste buds. There is simply no urge to eat any food that is presented to me, and every time I took a bite, I felt like throwing out. But I also realized I need to take sufficient red meat and protein to build up my red blood cells to prepare for the next chemo treatment. I will think of something to arrest this problem later.

My wife ordered a range of Eusana herb products to compliment my chemo treatment. Due to my experience with the previous alternative treatment, I now have phobia for tablets and capsules. Looking at those bottles of medication, not again ! Well, whatever it is, I got to stay calm, and stay cheerful.

This evening, the kind people from the DUMC church arranged by Pastor Gan is taking me to the church for healing prayer. I do hope spirituality can provide me the moral boaster. Whatever it is, it is my obligation to prepare my mind, body, and spirit to the highest level to launch holistic counter attacks against the those uninvited nasty looking cancer cells in my body.

Honestly, looking forward, I don't really know how much sands is left in the hour glass. Unpredictable as it may, I will take life one day at a time, look forward to many more days to come. Come what may, I will have to face the worst of times and the best of times.

Dad & Mom, I am very tired..........

The real Dalai Baru

This is the latest photograph of Dalai Baru after Chemotherapy. So, do I look like a sicked cancer patient to you ? To all those cancer mutant cells, I am going to kick your butts and give you a real fight.......

Memories from my childhood

When I was at the age of 10 years old back in the 70's, the environment made me an independent boy ahead of my age. My father was a very hardworking vegetable seller, he went to work at 5:00AM in the morning, and came back around mid night, 7 days a week, 365 days a years. His only break is the first day of Chinese new year. My mother, who never attended a single day of formal education, is a full time housewife. Both my parents are burdened with the heavy responsibilities of taking care of 10 children.

At those young age, as with any boys or girls, I do have my desires and envied those “lucky boys and girls” that are showered with with all those extras and luxuries by their parents. However, I do realized, times are difficult for both my parents, they already tried their level best and sacrificed to give their best to the family.

It is tough to be born into a poor family...... But in a way, it is also a blessing to be born into a poor family, because, in those day, we may be poor financially, but we are rich in survival instinct !

I have learned not to further burdened my parents with unnecessary requests or needs. To earn extra pocket money, sometimes I walked to the village wet market to solicit for small job early in the morning or after school. Sometimes, they paid me 20 to 50 cents for 1 or 2 hours of work, and sometimes they offered me a bowl of noodle as wages. In those day, one bowl of noodle costs 40 cents. I do feel very proud to be able to earn my own bowl of noodle.

I remembered, when I was in Standard Four in a primary school in Kampung Boyan, I was troubled by toothache for a few days. I knew then, complaining my pains to my mother is only going burden her with extra anxiety. In order to get free dental treatment, I went to the school's headmaster, ask him for a letter of reference to the Taiping General Hospital's dental clinic. I walked from the school in Kampung Boyan to the General Hospital, managed to find my way to the dental clinic. To cut a long story short, the dentist successfully extract my decayed tooth. Praised me for my bravery. He even commented to me that one day I will become a great man (Orang Besar). Yah, I am indeed an Orang besar now – I am a grown man Now !


I will write about my other childhood memories in some other times. Until then, good night.......

Memories of my childhood....

I attended my primary school education at the Hokkien Association in Taiping. My father used to send me to school using his old and bulky "man" bicycle........

I imitated my elder brother by holding big firecracker between my fingers and exploded it. The end result is, I end up having a split thumb......
As a young boy, I used to fish at the river behind my house. In one "accident", I end up having the fish hook stucked in my foot. My mother have to take me to the general hospital to remove the hook.....
As a young boy, I used to run around the village road in Pokok Asam in our famous "blue colour rrussian pants" chasing after snapped kites........

I once broke my hand trying to outrun all my brothers to be the first one to reach the Indian bread vendor...

My late father love to watch me doing the cha cha dance over a glass of Guiness Stout....