I weep no more for the unborn son.
Today is a strange day. I woke up with an unknown rage or perhaps discomforts. I do not enjoy my breakfast, and I even tried to find fault with the poor lady serving me my regular fried noodles. I refused to talk to my wife and maintain my irritating silent through out the morning. That silent rage is irrational, for what reason, I don't know.
My purchaser take too long a time to issue my requested Purchase Order. My wife, who is my Finance Manager in the office refused to issue the payment cheque because she insisted the documentation is not complete. I look into my brother's cubicle, and as usual, he is in the office late again. My delivery Technician forgot to pick-up the pick list to pick up my order. And my clients has been calling repeatedly to remind me the urgency of an unfulfilled order. What a day. As usual, I take a slow climb one floor above into my meeting room, open my bookmarks to read some poems. A desperate attempt to calm down my incomprehensible discomforts for today. It is indeed very difficult to assemble a bunch of educated cats and trying to make them focus on the same direction
I have no appetite for lunch, and decided to pick up the pick list and be a delivery boy for half a day. On my way back to my office, trying to avoid the traffic jams and paying tolls, I decided to take a detour via the frontal road of Sunway Medical Centre. It was a mistake. Strange things do happen, as I passed by the Sunway Medical Centre, I see an image and felt the presence of my unborn son. Was it clouds in my eye or my short sightedness. Nevertheless, the presence was felt, the energy was real, and I am pretty sure, it is the "spirit" of my unborn son whose life was medically terminated many years ago in that medical centre, and I can't even remembered what year was it.
I am an emotionally very stable person. I pulled my car to the side of road not far away from the medical centre, for the obvious reason to reassure myself of what I felt was merely a fragment of past unpleasant memories playing trick on me. I just don't know, for a fraction of a moment, emotion just overtook my rationality. Tears flow freely and trickled down my face. Son, I have never seen your face, and I have never named you a name. But I do missed you. Did I made the right decision then ? If only I made my decision otherwise, would I still have the opportunity to carry you on my lap ? Would I still have the privilege to be called Daddy by you ? I really do not know. Son, I have made a cruel decision in order to be kind for you. I honestly do. Believe me, it was the most difficult decision of my life. And I do sincerely wish, no father will have to go through this kind of inhumane clinical decision.
Son, I wish you the best in your "next life" and I shall always pray for you. I have accepted my faith that we are just not faithed to be father and son. I have learned to let you go. And I do hope, one day, my silent tears of sorrows will turn to tears of joys, knowing fully that God and angels is taking good care of you. Son, as a father, I know you do love me. For many years, I have been fantasizing your images in my dreams. I have been carrying the guilts of my decision. But please go, go to the loving arms of God and angels. I know how to be strong, and I know how take good care myself. Life must go on, as cheerfully as possible.....
My drive back to office was aimless. It was like an eternity. But I did managed to reach office safely and emotionally composed.
My purchaser take too long a time to issue my requested Purchase Order. My wife, who is my Finance Manager in the office refused to issue the payment cheque because she insisted the documentation is not complete. I look into my brother's cubicle, and as usual, he is in the office late again. My delivery Technician forgot to pick-up the pick list to pick up my order. And my clients has been calling repeatedly to remind me the urgency of an unfulfilled order. What a day. As usual, I take a slow climb one floor above into my meeting room, open my bookmarks to read some poems. A desperate attempt to calm down my incomprehensible discomforts for today. It is indeed very difficult to assemble a bunch of educated cats and trying to make them focus on the same direction
I have no appetite for lunch, and decided to pick up the pick list and be a delivery boy for half a day. On my way back to my office, trying to avoid the traffic jams and paying tolls, I decided to take a detour via the frontal road of Sunway Medical Centre. It was a mistake. Strange things do happen, as I passed by the Sunway Medical Centre, I see an image and felt the presence of my unborn son. Was it clouds in my eye or my short sightedness. Nevertheless, the presence was felt, the energy was real, and I am pretty sure, it is the "spirit" of my unborn son whose life was medically terminated many years ago in that medical centre, and I can't even remembered what year was it.
I am an emotionally very stable person. I pulled my car to the side of road not far away from the medical centre, for the obvious reason to reassure myself of what I felt was merely a fragment of past unpleasant memories playing trick on me. I just don't know, for a fraction of a moment, emotion just overtook my rationality. Tears flow freely and trickled down my face. Son, I have never seen your face, and I have never named you a name. But I do missed you. Did I made the right decision then ? If only I made my decision otherwise, would I still have the opportunity to carry you on my lap ? Would I still have the privilege to be called Daddy by you ? I really do not know. Son, I have made a cruel decision in order to be kind for you. I honestly do. Believe me, it was the most difficult decision of my life. And I do sincerely wish, no father will have to go through this kind of inhumane clinical decision.
Son, I wish you the best in your "next life" and I shall always pray for you. I have accepted my faith that we are just not faithed to be father and son. I have learned to let you go. And I do hope, one day, my silent tears of sorrows will turn to tears of joys, knowing fully that God and angels is taking good care of you. Son, as a father, I know you do love me. For many years, I have been fantasizing your images in my dreams. I have been carrying the guilts of my decision. But please go, go to the loving arms of God and angels. I know how to be strong, and I know how take good care myself. Life must go on, as cheerfully as possible.....
My drive back to office was aimless. It was like an eternity. But I did managed to reach office safely and emotionally composed.
........................................................................................................
This post is revisted on 15th Oct 2006
Tears In Heaven
by Eric Clapton and Will Jennings
by Eric Clapton and Will Jennings
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong
And carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven.
Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way
Through night and day,
'Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven.
Time can bring you down,
Time can bend your knees.
Time can break your heart,
Have you begging please, begging please.
Beyond the door,
There's peace
I'm sure,
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven.
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong
I must be strong
And carry on,
'Cause I know
I don't belong
Here in heaven.
........................................................................
1 comment:
The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.
Buddha
Love and Blessings to your child, letting go and setting free will work for the highest good of all.
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