Tuesday, July 08, 2008


It has been very hectic for me over the past few weeks. Firstly there are simply too many documents to be organized and to be placed in order. I don't know what got into me, somehow, I do have an eerie feeling that, if anything unwelcome happened to me, at least those documents can set my family in the right track to move on in life.

I also realized, there are so many friends out there I had lost contact with. I would like to make it a point to visit every one of them. Most of these friends are from my childhood times, and of course there are also those I met during the course of my career. I guess, as I grow older, I am beginning to drift into sentimentalism of reminiscing those “good old days” of boyish friendship and solidarity.

Work wise, I look forward to early retirement in another 6 months time. But can I make it ? There are simply just too many loose ends to tie, and too many unknown variables to manage. I started this business many years ago. In the beginning, I enjoy what I am doing, as it expand, it was very challenging to keep it going, but now, I found it heart aching to part with it. Whatever it is, I will give it a try to retire and pursue other course in life.

Looking at the recent photographs of myself. I do wonder, that man, with wrinkles on the forehead, sagging eye bags, and bulging tummy, is that me ? I do indeed look like my father ! I feared growing old, but between aging and forever young, do I have a choice ? Would investing in anti aging creams set my biology clock backwards ? Like it or not, I have to accept the law of nature gracefully and accept the finality of the ultimate transformation of energies.

I am beginning to like to listening to FM radio and those oldies songs of the 70's, appreciate things that are imperfect, and care less of what others think of me. On the positive sides, I think I am also getting more sentimental and compassionate. But, I am also getting less tolerance of ideas that is not compatible with mine. After all, I do want to impose that, as I grow older, I acquired the wisdom to earn the rights to be wrong. I guess, I've aged.

Life. Have I past my prime ? Whatever it is, I am going to be very practical about it. I am not going to cry because I missed my opportunities or because it is over, I will try to wear a smile because they happened.

You know, when you were born, you cried, but the rest of the world rejoiced. Are you going to cry all the way to the grave ? Welcome to the real world, suckers ! Life is indeed full of ups and downs. We spend all our youth to smoothen out life's rough edges, just when when we are about to harvest the fruits of our labours, poor health set in, we grow old, and became useless ! Aging, is indeed a scary process.

Life, I longed for love and respect, I quested for knowledge with passion, and I also have unlimited endurance to the sufferings that came attached. I have so much reverence for life that is inspired by love and guided by knowledge. But in my deepest fear, I know, at the end of the day, death is always the ultimate certainty. Is life worth living ? Perhaps, on the other dimension, eternity awaits those tired souls..........

1 comment:

ADAM said...

You are now, probably for the first time in your life, the person you have always wanted to be. Oh, not your body! You sometime despair over your body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often you are taken aback by that old person that lives in your mirror (who looks like your mother!), but you don't agonize over those things for long.

You would never trade your amazing friends, your wonderful life, your loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly.As you had aged, you have become more kind to yourself, and less critical of yourself. You have become your own friend.

You don't chide yourself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making your bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that you didn't need, but looks so avante garde on your patio. You are entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

You have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if you choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?

You will dance with yourself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if you, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... you will.

You can walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and can dive into the waves with abandon if you choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set .

They, too, will get old.

You know you are sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And you eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years your heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

You are so blessed to have lived long enough to have your hair turning gray, and to have your youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on your face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. You don't question yourself anymore. You have even earned the right to be wrong.

So, enjoy being old. It has set you free. You are like the person you have become. You are not going to live forever, but while you are still here, you will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And you shall eat dessert every single day. (If you feel like it) and also your white coffee!