Bits & Bytes (4)

I completed 4th weeks of daily 3DCRT, so, today is my fifth week of radiation therapy. There are nine more sessions to go before I wrapped up this latest treatment protocol. Luckily, my skin affected by the radiation exposure has not broken yet, otherwise, it would be a very painful affair for me. I do hope my thick skin don't give up on me for the remaining sessions, there are only two more weeks left. So, hang on.........

Looking back, the 3DCRT sessions, though is painless procedure where I am expose to controlled radiation for 5 to 10 minutes daily only, but the treatment protocol does have it down side. The oral chemo drug, Xeloda, used in conjunction with the 3DCRT, also caused lost of appetites, diarrhea, and a host of others side effects. For a start, since the beginning of the therapy, I had lost more than 10 Kg of weight, and I am now struggling to maintain my weight to prevent it from further degradation. Due to lacked of appetite for foods, I am now also affected by malnutrition. One unwelcome consequence of this “nutrition deficiency” is, I am beginning to waste the muscle on my left leg. My left leg has grown weaker. I do hope, by end of the 3DCRT treatment protocol, I would be able to gain back my appetites, take in more protein based foods to restore the strength of my left leg.

Well, what else can I say ? The road to recovery is indeed full of frustrations and surprises. For the previous 10 months, I went through a lot of extremities in emotion such as fear, anxiety, frustration, sadness, anger, loneliness, etc. For a start, I do not know what to expect. When the arrays of extremities of emotions hit me, I do not know how to manage them. And at the initial stage, most of the times, my mind was blank – I was hearing without listening ! I worried about the near future. I fear being a burden to my family members, and I worried about whether my financial resources would be able to meet the medical expenses. It was indeed a very stressful period for me, and also my family members.

At the beginning, I kept asking myself what causes me to be inflicted with this dreaded illness called cancer. I felt guilty and blamed myself and my previous lifestyle. But the sad fact is, no body actually know what causes cancer. Perhaps, the Almighty is his perverted way, inflicted cancer on me to teach me a lesson, as a punishment of my sin, or whatever. Whatever it is, I have learned and overcome this unnecessary feeling of guilt.

Emotionally, I am not an expressive person, but all these unwelcome emotion built up within me made me a walking time bomb waiting to be exploded. But strangely, somehow, the Almighty blessed me with the grace to defuse the situations.

As an emotionally sensitive person, I do realized, at times, I am having difficulty relating to my loved ones, family members, and friends my predicaments and my needs. I also realized, there are also people avoided me because they felt uncomfortable with my acquired “disease”. Managing the various treatment protocols and their side effects is also another difficult aspect of dealing with cancer. How I wish there is a counseling agency to guide cancer patients what to expect and how to manage those expectations. As it is, I realized, emotionally, I am on my own, and I just need to be strong for myself to handle all those present's and future's fears and uncertainties.

I realized, having been inflicted with cancer doesn't mean I have to loose HOPE and Aspiration. I know, as long as I can hang on to another day, modern medicine will find a cure for me. And on my bended knee, I pray with the hope that my heavenly father knows my predicaments and intervene to provide his divine healing. Well, the Almighty promised “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

May all beings be well and healthy........