Monday, July 20, 2009

Bits & Bytes (5)

Finally, I completed 5 weeks of 3DCRT, today is the beginning of the sixth week. Well, one more week to go to complete the whole course of 3DCRT and oral chemo. After which I will be “on leave” for 30 days before I go back to the hospital for another round of Computer Tomography scan to assess the progress of this latest treatment protocol.

I took my blood test for cancer marker on the previous Friday, and the result should be out by tomorrow for my usual weekly consultation with the doctor. Hopefully, the blood test gave acceptable result tomorrow.

I feel awful today, I think the radiation therapy has, in a way, also affect the normal functioning of my stomach. I felt like vomiting through out the morning and afternoon. In fact, I had been having problem managing this side effect since the beginning of the 3DCRT treatment. My appetite for food has been affected, and consequently, I encountered substantial weight loss.

This fight against cancer is tougher than I thought. It is like I am being thrown into a boxing ring with a biased umpire, invisible opponents, and unknown game rules. The minute the bell rang, flurries of punches are thrown at me by the invisible opponent. I am floored, and the umpire quickly hit the canvas to start counting “one, two,.... three... four...” I had to get up before the count reach 10, otherwise, it is game over for me. Immediately I got up, the flurries of punches by the invisible opponent landed on me again. Again I am floored, and the umpire rushed in to hit the canvas to start the count of “one... two.... three.... four...” with bloodied nose, puffed face, and blurred vision, I told myself to get up before the empire count me out. Again, as soon as I got up, punches are all over me again to floor me. The situation of being floored and getting repeats itself, over and over again. I told myself, the only way for me to win, is to keep getting up, stand up like a man, hopefully, the invisible opponent eventually get tired of throwing punches and give up trying to knock me out. Fat hope ? I don't know. Times will tell......

I am an educated man with reasonable mind. When dealing with cancer, I know the statistic and am aware that the odds are stacked heavily against me. But the poetic side of me is still romantically fancied the idea of hope and miracles. While my hope for a cure is currently hanging on a very thin thread, I still have confident in myself to find a way to condition my mind to triggered spontaneous remission, and I believe the Almighty still have a purpose for me, he shall deliver miracle to me at a time and place of his choosing.

Life, how hard can it be ? For the time being, this frailed commander of a badly bruised battleship will live one day at a time........

May all beings be well and healthy........

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