Another disappointing day again......

I had been having my monthly blood test for tumor marker for the previous 12 months. Yesterday was no exception. I went to the hospital laboratory in the morning for my blood sample to be taken, and made arrangement with the laboratory technician to have the result ready for my monthly consultation with the doctor this afternoon.

As usual, I was a bit anxious about the blood test result. I do really want to see some reduction in the CA19.9 cancer marker reading. I was a bit disappointed that the reading for the CA19.9 Cancer marker has gone up again compared to the previous month's reading. Well, I guess, over the previous 12 months, I had been through so many disappointments in term of my treatment outcomes. So, one more disappointment is not going break me. I will just have to take it in my stride and hope for the best.

I discussed with the good doctor that, most likely, if the situation does not improve by January 2010, I will have to go for another computer tomography scan to do a positional review, and seriously consider the option of another regime of chemotherapy. The doctor has recommended that the next round of chemotherapy may involve a combination of Germcitabine and Avastin. I told the doctor my reservation of using Germcitabine as the main formula, because previously, I been through seven rounds of chemotherapy using Germcitabine, and it doesn't seemed to work in bringing down the cancer marker readings and tumor size. However, I will leave the option open and cross the bridge when the time come. At the moment, my main concern is to increase my weight and prepare my body in good physical condition during the next two months, so that I can withstand another assault of chemo drugs in the event that this course of action is unavoidable.

As much as I want to maintain my positive outlook, but I also need to accept the reality of the current situation. For a start, I know, the pains and discomforts are getting more frequents and I will have to increase the dosages of pain killers to manage and minimize my pains and discomforts so that the quality of my daily existence is not eroded. Whatever it is, I got to keep myself busy so that I will not unnecessarily lapsed into too much negative thoughts and anxieties. More than 12 months have passed, but I realized, he journey of my recovery of health has just began ! Metaphorically speaking, for better or for worst, I already dug my trenches, I will fight this battle with all my determinations. I pray that he Almighty can grant me the strength, wisdom, and grace to fight and overcome all those nasty cancer cells in my body.

Physically, I noticed, my body has been significantly weakened due to all those treatment protocols and lack of nutritions resulting from lack of appetites. Emotionally, I realized, people surrounding me has been treating me DIFFERENTLY, as seemed that I may drop dead suddenly, or perhaps, may be, I am over sensitive in this aspect.

I had been trying very hard to arrest my declining weight by forcing myself to eat as much as I can. Luckily, my weight has been stabilized over the previous one month or so. My immediate objective is to attempt to increase my body weight over the next two months to prepare myself for next round of treatment protocol.

I also told my loved ones that, although, I am not feeling well, but I do not want to be treated like a sicked person. I really do not want to be a burden to anybody, and emotionally, it is also very stressful for me to be in a state of awareness that I attracted all these unwelcome attentions. Those thoughts, attitudes, and perception of cancer by people surrounding me can, at times, prevent me from wanting to live my life as it is. Life must go on, as NORMALLY as possible.

I went through a period of, from shock to fear, from fear to acceptance, and finally from acceptance to adaptation.. Emotionally speaking, I had been through so much roller coaster rides dealing with the treatment regimes, with people surrounding me, and with the priorities of my life. Suddenly I begin to realize, life is indeed precious to me. I am beginning to appreciate the little things in my habitat. As much as I want to live my life to the fullest for the day, I also begin to look forward to the next day. And I really appreciate the opportunity to smell the flowers, and even enjoy the chirping sounds of the birds in my garden. Life is indeed beautiful ! Perhaps, the Almighty in his wisdom put me into this predicament in order to enlighten me to focus my life into this new perspective. The finality of life may seemed to be near, but I still have a choice of how I want to live my life, how I want to be remembered, how I can make this world a better place for all, and how I want to inspire others in the same predicament as me to live a better life than me.

Well, the journey ahead is going to be very challenging, but I know, it is going to be very interesting and enlightening as well. I shall emerged from this journey stronger and a better man.

Praise the Lord !