Monday, November 30, 2009

The roads ahead......

My sleep was interrupted at around 3 o'clock in the morning. The sudden and sharp tearing pains woke me up ! It can not be, because I took my pain killer before I went to bed, and the pain killer is supposed to last for 12 hours. In order not to make thing any more difficult for myself, I took another tablet of pain killer and waited for the soothing effect to sink it. I finally went back to sleep again at around 5 o'clock in the morning. Finally, I have a few hours of good sleep and woke up at around 9:00AM. But the pains came back again.

I did not get up from the wrong side of the bed this morning. But I woke up this morning with extremely foul mood and unbearable pains. I told myself, I must control my emotions in order not to make thing difficult for people surrounding me. I tried to bear with the discomforts associated with the pains, and finally, I guess the best strategy to counter this discomfort is to pop in another pain killer. But somehow, today seemed to be an odd day out. The pain pain killer doesn't seemed to work effectively. Well, I guess I will have to bear with it for the time being. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better for me.

I had been reading and trying to make a decision on whether to go for Cryosurgery with Argon Helium Knife and Iodine Seed Knife therapy. Well, the more I read, the more confused and indecisive I became. Well, I had been through so many type of treatment protocols during the past 12 months or so, and all these treatment have effectively control the cancer activities in my body, but the end result does not seemed to meet my expectation of elimination of the tumors and cancer cells. In a way, I feared the new treatment protocols may failed to meet my expectation again. I am so fed-up of living in daily pains and discomforts, and I really do not wish to see this negative aspects of life being prolong unnecessarily. Like it or not, I am at this juncture of my journey where I have to make another major treatment decision, and I do not have the luxury to procrastinate but to make quick decision. I pray that the Almighty can grace me with the wisdom to make the right decision again this time.

I was recommended to go through a combination of four types of treatment therapies :

  • Cryosurgery with Argon Helium Knife
  • Iodine Seed Knife Therapy
  • Immunotherapy, and
  • Vascular Interventional Therapy

These treatment protocols are not available in Malaysia. The hospital that has the facilities to perform this treatments is Fuda Cancer Hospital located in Guangzhou, China. I was advised by the hospital to stay there for a minimum of 30 days for the treatments to be performed. I know, this kind of treatments is going to be expensive, but I have faith that, when the time comes, the good Lord will make the necessary provisions.

Although, my present Oncologist does not recommend I go through these therapies, but honestly, beyond these new treatment protocols, I really do not have much options left. I am getting very fed-up with all the daily pains and discomforts. I can still cope with the pains and discomforts, but emotionally speaking, I am really not what I used to be, I am getting weaker and weaker to the point of giving up and breaking down. I do not want my family members to be burdened with my degrading state of emotional well being. And I really do not want to see the quality of my existence slowly degrading with each passing day.

I guess, there are really no other options but to commit myself to these new treatment protocols. Hopefully, after these treatments, my present Oncologist can take over from these treatment protocols and work out a maintenance strategy to improve and prolong the quality of my existence.

An annonymous person send me this song by Maria Carey – There is A Hero. I like this song, I think I will think of myself as a hero in this journey against cancer, and with the blessing of the Almighty, I shall emerge vitorious. Here goes the lyrics of the song :


There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid
Of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you
It's a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand
For you to hold
You can find love
If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt
Will disappear

Lord knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone
Tear them away
Hold on
There will be tomorrow
In time
You'll find the way


hoon said...

Kiat, Praying for you and for god's mighty grace upon you. First and foremost praying for divine intervention for the pain to go away.

Anonymous said...

Hey there again CK, this is yr "interested reader" whom teared reading yr entry/dedication to yr mom. I want to let you know you are going to be in my prayer list.

One of my fav songs when i needed encouragement was co-incidentally by Mariah Carey too. The title of the song is WHEN YOU BELIEVE. CK, i am not going to type the lyrics like this other reader, but rather suggest you google and go listen to it.

May i just encourage you to remember this "Do in the natural(physical realm) whatever best you can ie humanly possible....then, leave Him to do the supernatural"

His word teaches us to seek counsel proverbs 15:22 says..plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers, they succeed.. So do your due diligence and check with other oncologist/s before making any final decision on your next step of treatment. However, please remember the spiritual realm is also VERY REAL....Really pray and ask God for guidance.. Personally i have used proverbs 3:5-6 . The main stay i recalled on this promise was I DID NOT LEAN ON MY OWN UNDERSTANDING. Hey there are times, we just pray and we can tell Him, we will need to make a decision by two days or whatever, and strangely by that second day or so, you will have the peace and clarity what to do. As some people have said, 2 things i remember. After we pray and petition to God, we need to just keep quiet and let HIM speak to us thru His word, a circumstance or another person etc. Next also, once we really leave it at the foot of the cross, dont take it back ...give it to Him to handle...(imagine planting a seed, and digging it every other day to check)...

I apologise for being so "Cheong hei" with my comment, but as i read your book and yr recent blogs, i want, but only to sojourn (in cyber and in spirit too), to encourage you to fight the good race. May i also encourage you to read out loud (for yr ears to hear, as faith is by "HEARING", and hearing the word of God. So friend, silly as it may do want to be able to HEAR the word of God, or be read to the word of God.

Until our next encounter......

May His Love abound you, and i pray James 4:8 for you......Draw near to Him, and He will draw near to you.......

"IR" Interested Reader...

Kit Ying said...

I agree 100% with IR Interested Reader's advice and I hope you will consult your oncologist before making your decision as to the next course of treatment. Seek the Lord earnestly in prayer for guidance. My prayer group will continue to uphold you in prayer. I am sure you have the support of your family and friends who share your pain so don't worry about expressing how you feel. God bless