Amazing Grace

I know, I have not been feeling well for many months now. Over the past few days, I had been reading my journal entries, and realized, these entries are full of negative emotions. On one hand, I had been portraying myself to others as a positive person and is confident of overcoming my health issues, but my inner negative thoughts and emotions are manifested glaringly in my journal entries. I had knowingly or unknowingly bare my soul, fear, and anxieties to others !

I must admit, cancer had in one way of another influenced my mind and perception of life. On one hand, I fought to be logical in dealing with arising issues related to my health care management, but on the other hand, I also unknowingly allowed fear and anxieties drifted me into temporary lunatical interactions with negative emotions. Come to think of it, I am, by nature, oxymoronic.

I had not been feeling well for the past two years or so, and was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 7 months ago. Since then, my mind and soul have gone through unbelievable roller coaster of mind over matter. By the grace of the Almighty, every time, when I felt that I am losing control over my mind dealing with fear and anxiety, I managed to snapped out from these dangerous mental playground to move on. I guess, despite having been ingrained with oxymoronic animal instinct, somehow, I am still a logical soul capable of rational reasonings.

I may not be in the best of health, but I am grateful to all my family members especially my wife and children for all their unconditional support and tolerance towards my occasional mood swings. I am also extremely grateful to my friends for the moral support showered on me. The Almighty is indeed graceful for blessing me with good family and good friends. One thing for sure, I will fight a good fight to recover my health and will do all that within my capability not to deprive my family members the hope of seeing me well again.

Whatever it is, I still have my pride. I will never allow myself to loose the battle against cancer without putting up a good fight. Physically, the illness may have dented my body, but emotionally, I am still what I am – I am still a man with a reputation of strong will and logical mind. I will do all that are necessary to defend myself against the evil darts of cancer.

Although, I had lost much of my appetite, but I am also thankful for all the special meals prepare for me. I treasured every words of encouragement from friends and family members, and these words shall be my armors to boost my fighting spirits against my ill health, because I know, even though I walk a lone path battling cancer, but I am not fighting this battle alone. At the end of the day, I do hope, I repay the good deeds of my family members and friends by enjoying greater degree of peace and recovered good health. Even if I loose this battle, my legacy will motivate others that I fought a good fight, and I am a good loser. And what is there for me to loose ? I know, the kingdom of the Almighty are always there to welcome me. Spiritually, I will always be a winner in the eyes of the Almighty.

In dealing with this dreaded cancer, I only have one option, that is, to win and emerged as a Survivor ! I know I will. In the mean time, please continue to pray for me and let's us sing this song together.......

Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
That sav'd a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears reliev'd;
How precious did that grace appear,
The hour I first believ'd!

Thro' many dangers, toils and snare,
I have already come;
'Tis grace has brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures;
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease;
I shall profess, within the vail,
A life of joy and peace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, who call'd me here below,
Will be for ever mine.

黑白老鼠

I received this in my mailbox today. Beautiful story ! Thank you Andy.........

有一個人在森林中漫遊的時候，突然遇見了一隻飢餓的老虎，老虎大吼一聲就撲了上來。他立刻用生平最大的力氣和最快的速度逃開，但是老虎緊追不捨， 他一直跑一直跑一直跑，最後被老虎逼入了斷崖邊上。 站在懸崖邊上，他想：「與其被老虎捉到，活活被咬、肢解，還不如跳入懸崖，說不定還有一線生機。」

他縱身跳入懸崖，非常幸運的卡在一棵樹上，那是長在斷崖邊的梅樹， 樹上結滿了梅子。

正在慶幸的時候， 他聽到斷崖深處傳來巨大的吼聲，往崖底望去，原來有一只兇猛的獅子正抬頭看著他，獅子的聲音使他心顫， 但轉念一想：「獅子與老虎是相同的猛獸，被甚麼吃掉，都是一樣的。」

當他一放下心， 又聽見了一陣聲音，仔細一看，一黑一白的兩隻老鼠，正用力地咬著梅樹的樹幹。 他先是一陣驚慌，立刻又放心了，他想：「被老鼠咬斷樹幹跌死，總比被獅子咬好。」

情緒平復下來後， 他感到肚子有點餓，看到梅子長得正好， 就採了一些吃起來。他覺得一輩子從沒吃過那麼好吃的梅子，找到一個三角形樹丫休息， 他想著：「既然遲早都要死，不如在死前好好睡上一覺吧！」

他在樹上沉沉的睡去了。 睡醒之後，他發現黑白老鼠不見了， 老虎、獅子也不見了。他順著樹枝， 小心翼翼的攀上懸崖， 終於脫離險境。

原來就在他睡著的時候， 飢餓的老虎按捺不住，終於大吼一聲， 跳下懸崖。 黑白老鼠聽到老虎的吼聲，驚慌逃走了。跳下懸崖的老虎與崖下的獅子展開激烈的打鬥，雙雙負傷逃走了。

由我們誕生那一刻開始，苦難．就像飢餓的老虎一直追趕著我們，死亡，就像一頭兇猛的獅子，一直在懸崖的盡頭等待，白天和黑夜的交替，就像黑白老鼠，不停地正用力咬著我們暫時棲身的生活之樹，總有一天我們會落入獅子的口中 。

既然知道了生命中最壞的情景是死亡，唯一的路，就是安然地享受樹上甜美的果子，然後安心地睡覺，只有存著這樣單純的心、少慾望、多一點赤子之心。

LOST……

Memories….
Those memories of yesteryears,
Careless, carefree, and thoughtless nostalgic days.
Reveling in joyous moments inspite of scarcity
With abundance energies of innocent childhood and youth,
where harsh words and bitter experience became my gained wisdom,
where impossibilities is my source of inspirations,
living a life full of aspirations and motivations,
to be what I aspired to be…..

The sands of time dripping away,
I endured and toiled along this extra ordinary journey.
Experiencing the bittersweet memories of wanting to be,
Suddenly, I realized,
I am already not what I used to be.
Can I still be what I aspired to be ?

What do I really want to be ?
The unkindness of life,
brought me pain and untold miseries of withered passions,
but also brought me joy and goodness of letting it be.
There may or may not be a one that caused to be,
O Almighty, had you forsaken me ?
Between wanting to be and letting it be,
Would I be able to dictate my own destiny,
And make life’s pursuit a pleasurable journey ?

Is this oceans of space,
A Nirvana or despaired solitude in a weary journey ?
Life is, but what I made it to be ?

The fear factors.......

There are times, my little demented mind drifted away into the unknown land of fear. Occasionally, I fear for the eventuality of my deteriorating health and its subsequent eventualities. The mind is such a dangerous playground that, sometimes, it is depressing to wondering around the virtual perimeter of this mental realm aimlessly, looking for answers to undefined problems. A famous scientist once said, “nothing in life is to be fear, but only to be understood” The reality is, fear is a consequent of uncertainty and unknown. When there is no knowledge of what is yet to come, what is there to be understood ? We fear death, but do we understand death ? Sometimes, when faced with uncertainties, I think I have the tendency of hiding under my own shadow and fear its darkness ! This logical mind, has it been contaminated with all those treatment protocols ?

Times and again, I was told, in order to win my battle against my illness, I must be positive and be brave to face whatever challenges ahead. But my dilemma is, how can I be brave when I have no knowledge of what is the safe distant ? I would like to look straight into the face of fear, but fear is faceless, and an undefined emotion in my deluded mind.

I do not claim to be able to understand my fear. But whatever it is, and it may, I will honestly admit my weaknesses and ignorance of the potential outcomes, face fear with a logical mind, and embrace whatever that come along as my fate or karma. By being logical in my struggle against fear, am I a brave man ? Or was it that I look brave because I have no other option to run away from the eventualities. Sometimes, I do pray to the Almighty to grant me the wisdom to plan my best action, the courage to decide, and the virtue to execute the planned action with grace.

How I wish fear is just a packet of powdered instant drink, where I can dissolve it into a glass of warm water, and drink it away to quench my thirst for enlightenment. On the positive side, I have come this far dealing and coping with my treatment regimes, what are there to be feared anymore ? I think I am worth more than many sparrows, the good Lord will protect and embrace me with his almighty grace.

“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. “ (2 Timothy 1:70

There are cat & kittens in my garden...

My garden has been a fertile ground for all those irresponsible pet lovers' pets. On few occasions, I even have rabbits giving births to small babies in my garden. This morning, while inspecting my backyard, I noticed a cat with three little kittens in the small garden at the back of my house. With my digital camera, I took a photograph of the cat. I tried to approach closer to take pictures of the kittens, but the mother instinct of the cat was domineering, she was defensively aggressive and let out menacing noises to discourage me from going nearer to her kittens.

Worrying about the well being of the cats and kittens, I let them be, and instruct my domestic helper to prepare foods for the cat until such time they are ready to leave.

Sometimes, I do wonder whether all these so called pet lovers are a bunch of irresponsible idiots. They want to own pets, but yet are irresponsible to care for them sufficiently. As a result, the neighborhood are infested with lots of stray cats roaming around the back alley of the residential houses. Cats are becoming a nuisances in my residential area. Their owners don't feed and care for them properly, resulting in all these poor cats roaming around scavenging for foods and littering the areas with their smelly habits. But at the same time, the local town council are so preoccupied with harassing dog owners with all sorts of stupid requirements even though the neighborhood do not have problems with dogs. I do hope the local town council do something positive to educate all those cat owners to be a bit more responsible to tend to their cats rather than barking at the wrong tree to harass the dog owners simply because some idiots have prejudices against dogs. The local town council must come out with stronger law on cat ownership!

I have enough of cats scratching the paintwork of my cars, dropping smelly deposits onto my garden, tearing up garbage bags to scavenge for foods, stalk the birds and squirrels in my garden, etc. Don't get me wrong, I am not a cat hater, but I do have problem trying to comprehend the idiotic mentalities of all those cat owners who seemed to think that it is their God damned birth rights to be insensitive to non cat owners. Sometimes, I do wonder about the mentalities of all those irresponsible cat owners. In their eagerness to discard their cats in the neighborhood, they should at least have some basic decency and culture to care for their cats and not to allow them to become nuisance in their neighborhood.

May all cats go to heaven..........

The other side of my mind...

This moment, did the sun rised from the other side of my mind ? Would it go down on the other side of the horizon this evening ? Emotionally, I lived through this so called journey of life by being adaptive to my surrounding. This journey of life, is at times, unpredictable. Like it or not, there are always times, where we have no choice but to embrace what was imposed by the surrounding. We carry on with life, hoping that the past justifies the present, and the present determines a predictable future. But life doesn't really work that way. It is an illogical science, and an abstract art. Well, Lao Tzu said “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step” Did you take the first step voluntarily ? A the end of the journey, is the the destination your predetermined objective ? Or would it be a sad catastrophe ?

There are times, where I realized, the finality of the journey is near, and sad thing is, I am not rejoicing it. For I want to go forever and ever, but I know, it is not possible. This finite journey, it is numerically discrete, but yet indeterminable. Between now and the finality, I know, it is only a breath away. But can we measure that last breath in term of years, hours, or seconds ? The irony is, we accumulate wealth and knowledge, and we made major decisions in life, but are we able to decide upon the precise moment of that eternal last breath ?

Throughout our journey of life, we spend a great deal of time attempting to exercise control over all the parameters. We seek to control our territorial rights by having nice and comfortable house, to control our financial position to enable us to afford luxuries, to control our social network to gain respectability, etc. Our whole life is about control, but the bottom line is, at the end of the day, what do we actually control ? The largest plot of territorial rights we are are going to have is probably going to measure 4' by 10' and 6' under. The greatest financial wealth that is going to accompanying us to the other side of the realm is probably organic dusts and ashes, and the greatest social network that accompanies our final breaths is probably our lonely soul walking in the lonely valley of death......

In this journey, I encountered so many disconnected parallel road,s and too many intersections. These are not straight roads, but full of twists and turns. I had been through winding roads, and I also encountered many bumpy rides. I learned my lessons. I had never let those “up and down” get into me. I move on........ I traversed many difficult roads before, and I presumed it is not going to be easy ahead. But whatever it is, I had never abandon my oblation and responsibilities. I had learned not to be preoccupied with the final destination, but attempting my best efforts along the journey.

While I had worked hard to leave behind a legacy, my loved one, when finality descend upon me, would you keep my memories ? Would you tell all my loved ones that, I was once a traveler of life trying to make life better for everybody, so that they can live better than I never lived before ?

At the end of the day, from the other side of my mind, how do I measure my life ? Do I measure with the number of cities I visited ? Do I measure with the number of miles I traveled ? Do I measure with the number of friends I had ? Do I measure it with the amount of assets and financial wealth I accumulated ? Does it really matter how your life is going to be measured against ? The point is, let's be practical, you are already on this finite journey of nowhere, you better start praying now that the road ahead is long !!!

That's life........................... Ha... ha... ha.... LOL

Round 8 : the lingering side effects....

Today is the fourth day of my 7th chemotherapy session. The previous six sessions of chemotherapies has been working havoc in my system that my body is beginning to reject the idea of further administration of chemo drugs. The resistant for the administration of chemo drug is so strong that, few days before the chemo session, I was already overcame with anticipatory nausea and anxieties.

I had a disturbed sleep yesterday due to some minor discomfort at my abdominal areas and back pain, and subsequently, I woke this morning feeling extremely exhausted. How do I describe how I felt this morning ? It is kind of uneasy feeling radiated from every part of your telling you that all is still not well. I guess this uneasy feeling are caused by the disturbed sleep as a result of the side effects from the chemo drugs.

For a start, the rashes caused by the Tarceva drugs is still there causing slight itchiness to my scalp and body. Some of the rashes appear on the face, and looked like pimples and acnes. The Clobet Cream prescribed by the doctor has help to ease the itch and tapper off the rashes. So, the effect of rashes is manageable at the moment.

As of today, I am still having tingling sensation and sight pain on the side of the arm where the chemo drugs was intravenously administered. Based on my experience, usually, these sensory discomfort disappeared after a week or so. At the moment I am not worry about this minor neuropathy issues. Hopefully, my body can recover quickly enough to lessen the duration of this sensory discomforts.

When I first started the chemotherapy, one of my first fear was the loss of hair. My hair started to drop after the 3rd chemotherapy, but miraculous stopped after the sixth chemotherapy. By the grace of God, my hair now has grown back. However, I noticed, the texture of the hair is now slightly different compare to what it used to be. My hair now is “more fine” and soft, and it is easier to manage.

Personally speaking, the most dreaded side effects I encountered so far are Nausea and the sensation of feeling like vomiting. Usually, these queasy sensations last about 1 to 2 weeks. Sometimes, the sensations is so bad that, the mere sight and odors of foods caused mood swings and rejection of foods. Although the doctor had prescribed anti emetics such as Nexsum, but so far, the drug does not really help to lessen the discomfort. I had resorted to use deep and slow breathing techniques to lessen this discomforts, in a way, the breathing exercise does help a lot.

It's been more than 7 months I am dealing with this treatment issues. I learned to deal with the daily physical pains and discomforts cause by the tumors, and the emtional distressed caused by anxieties, uncertainties, and fears. But personally speaking, dealing with the side effects is the most difficult and challenging issues that confronted me daily. Come to think of it, I had been bombarded with all sort of side effects for the previous 7 months. Surprisingly, I am still able to handle it well. The Almighty is indeed graceful to grant me the strength to overcome these anguishes and adversaries. I realized, the quality of my life now is a consequent of how I manage these side effects. So far, I think I am managing these side effects well ! I look at life this way, I am a fighter ! At the end of the day, I plan to see my children have children of their own, and I will have my good laugh inside........

That's life....

Round 8 : It's done...

I had been in and out of the hospital too frequent, so much so that I am already very familiar with every little details of the surroundings. One of these day, the hospital will have to hire me as their maintenence manager, otherwise it would be a great loss to the hospital's management. I guess, even if I am blindfolded, I will still be able to maneuvering around the hospital to go to the cafeteria, the laboratory, and the treatment room !

How do I feel about going to the hospital ? Well, my familiarity with the hospital and treatment procedures bred indifferences. I no longer have the fears of going to the hospital to seek treatment. I am also no longer see the benefit of indulging in anxieties and hope. To a certain extend, every time before I go to the hospital, I just tell myself, what the hecks, let's just get there, and do whatever the good doctor prescribe. Well, that's right, let just go to the mountain top, and from there, access the beauty of the valley. Let your deluded mind imagine how lush and green is the valley ! Yes, that lone, green, and lush valley stretches far away. It is the food of my mind and the future domain of my soul - It is the garden of the Almighty. The Almighty's creation is indeed beautiful.

As usual, I did my blood test today, done with my physical examination of pulse rate, blood pressure, and tumor sensing, and finally intravenously administered the cocktails of chemo drugs. I was also prescribed with another 30 days of Tarceva to be taken orally to compliment the chemotherapy. No surprises, and everything went on smoothly. The funny thing is, after so many times of being administered with chemo drugs intravenously, I still have some minor phobia of needles ! What I did this morning is, when the good doctor is about to insert the butterfly shaped needle into my hand, I imagined a beautiful bright coloured butterfly landing softly on my palm, caressing and kissing my palm seeking permission to deliver goodness into my body. How can my deluded mind reject such wonderful offering from the creation of the Almighty ? I accepted the offer and off I go into another 2 hours of slow drippings.......

The good doctor also suggested I come back to the hospital in another three weeks time for assessment of my progress and plan treatment strategy for the next step of actions. Well, it looks like I will have to dig trenches for the long battle to come. Whatever it is, I have faith that, things will work out eventually.

Looking back, I am indeed amazed that I have courageously went through 7 months of difficult journey of recovering my health. Indeed, the Almighty has been indeed graceful in leading me to conquer fears, gaining strengths, manage anxieties, and blessed me with abundance hope to shoulder on. I am no longer obsessed with the sentimentalism of the pasts, neither am I obsessed with the achievements of the future. I will live life as it is, as it come, and follow the flows...

Well, what else can I say ? It's been an amazing journey of self discovery and enlightenment. I am now embarking wonderingly into a journey to my soul, and, the journey has just begun...... Spiritually speaking, is this a breakthrough, or potentially a future breakdown? Whatever it is, it doesn't really matter what the outcome is going to be, I have faith in the Almighty, and I am going to rejoice life NOW. Or perhaps, I already achieved enlightenments but refused to acknowledge it ? Ha. ha... I know sometimes I am moronically insane !

It is still a wonderfully world out there, and I am going to smell the roses, enjoy the fresh air of the morning, and feel the warm of the morning sunshine..... That's life !

Round 8 : The last round ?

Oh, not again ! Tomorrow I have to go for the 7th round of chemotherapy. The thought of spending more than 2 hours patiently waiting for the cocktails of liquid drugs being intravenously feed into my body made me very uncomfortable. Honestly, I am already very fed-up, or perhaps felt very frustrated with all those needles poking into me for all those blood test, administration of chemo drugs, and for various tests.

Another round of chemotherapy ? I am so very tired !!!

Most likely, the good doctor will order me to go through some basic blood test, administer the chemotherapy, then prescribe another 30 days of Tarceva drugs to be taken orally. So, it looks like by April 11th 2009, I should be finishing all my Chemotherapy sessions. After that, the doctor will probably order another Computer Tomography scan and blood test, before deciding on next course of actions.

Well, time flies ! It has been more than 7 months of treatment regime to counter the cancer. I do sincerely hope I do not have to go through another 7 more months of treatment regime. It's been a very frustrating experience mentally and emotionally. I am confident that, by the end of the 7th round of chemotherapy, the tumor would be knocked out, and the cancer marker drift ed back to its normal range. Looking back, during the previous 7 months, my life has been turned upside down. I felt easily fatigued, lacked of appetite, and went through all those dreadful side effects I mentioned in my previous posts. I almost lost ll my hair and looked like a very different person ! And on a daily basis, I was constantly being hit combination of negative emotions such as fear, anxiety, anger, frustration, sadness, etc. Physically, I have also lost more than 25kg of weight, and change in physical appearance. In short, this cancer thingy shaken me unexpectedly, and disrupted my normal routines, lifestyle, and and habits. At times, I am at a lost for words on how to express my experiences, expectations, and frustrations to my loved one. I know, It has not been easy on them having to provide cares to me, and at the same times bearing with my fluctuating emotionalities. I do sincerely hope they can bear with me a little bit longer while the fight is still on.

During the past few months, I have also increasingly turning into religion trying to harmonize my body and soul. It is also my hope that, with stronger faith in spirituality, I can trigger my body automatic healing response for spontaneous remission of the tumors. In another word, as much as I believe in the conventional treatment protocols, I am also praying for miracles to happened !

I know, it is difficult to put up a brave front when you know you are sick with uncertain treatment outcomes. I shall keep my faith for healing, and go about my life as routinely as possible. In dealing with this adversities, I must remain positive to keep good vibes, resiliencies, and energies to beat all those cancer cells circulating within my bodies. I know, it is and will be a hard battle ahead against those cancer cells, but I am going to make it, and I am going to beat all those cancer cells in my journer towards recovery of health.

Life is but a dream

“...Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Life is but a dream.”

I had trouble sleeping again tonight. The new drug is causing too much discomforts to my system, causing me to stay awake throughout the night. Well, the funny fella up there is playing tricks with me again !!!! Instead of challenging the Almighty to bring sleep into my realm, I might as well do something productive to pen down my thoughts and ranting of the day.

Come to think of it, we had been pre-conditioned to treat life as everything but a dream. In dreams, we may have nightmares and pleasant manifestations, but eventually we wake up to reality. But in real life, by the time we wake up or enlightened, we are probably six feet under. Sometimes, how I wish life is a dream where I don't have to wake up. Life in itself is journey of uncertainties and surprises. Exactly, what is our purpose of life ? I was told, the purpose of life is to live life with a purpose ! What a infinite recursive looping of thoughts trying to seek something out of nothingness. Is life like the water in the stream where once it flown by you, it will never come back again ? With our bare palm, how do we grasp the flowing water, squander the seconds, and turn the brief moment of ecstasy into eternity ? The above nursery rhyme reminds me to treat life as it is, like a boat going down the stream, I will need to go with the flow, and live life gently and merrily along the so called journey to the beautiful garden of the Almighty. But whatever it is, it is about time I start investing in the Kingdom of the Almighty. I shall do my level best to plant a good deed daily in this weary world of spirituality and materialism.

Looking back in this humanistic journey, at a young age with an empty minds, we are educated where our mind our filled with elusive knowledges. The problem is, we may be educated, but not learned. Most of us end up, either as open minded or narrow minded. Would we be able to align our consciousness with the truth ? I doubt, in this life time, I can comprehend and grasp the truth of being. We live life aimlessly trying to fill material possessions, pleasures, and spirituality within the space of time between birth and death. Would we be able to find our true purpose in this sea of desires for possessions, pleasures, and spirituality ?

Is the reality I live in a creation of the Almighty, or is it my unconscious doings ? Do I understand the reality I live in ? How do we not let our ignorant of the reality control the brevity of our destiny ? While living today, most of us are pre-occupied with the worries for tomorrow. Is this our purpose in life ? Should we seek solace in “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. “ (Matthew, 6:34)

The future belongs to the domain of the uncertain. Do I have control over this domain ? If I do not have control over the future uncertainties, then why should I preoccupied myself with this unproductive mental stupidities ? As for me, tonight, and as usual, I decided that my purpose of life is to be HAPPY. With or without cancer, my happiness depends on my thinking, my perception, and the state of my mind over my environment and habitat. So, by hook or by crook, I shall live the present placidly, keep an open mind, stay positive, and seek to embrace the joyful energies surrounding me.

"Can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life?" (Matthew 6:27) Well, That's life !

The purpose of life ?

I have been having difficulty sleeping over the past few nights due to the side effect of the Tarceva drugs. So, this morning, I skipped my morning exercise, and rested on the bed a bit longer to recharge my energy. My usual morning exercise consist of about 6KM walk in the neighborhood and it usually lasts about approximately one hour.

Usually, I got up at around 6:00am, but today, the tiredness got into me, I got up from bed at around 9:00am. I had my light breakfast. Gosh, I can't even remember what I took for breakfast ! Is age catching up, or my Grey matters are slowly degrading ? Anyway, after breakfast I walked to the nearby convenient store to buy a copy of local newspaper. Flipping through the pages, I realized that, Malaysia is in such a pitiful and sorry state that, if you want to be happy, you better not read the local newspaper ! Firstly, our economic is not that rosy after all, and heading towards God knows where. Secondly, the constitutional crisis in Perak has been dragging on for far too long. We also have MCA indirectly telling Malaysians that all is not well within the party and the country, MIC is having a crisis in trust where millions of ringgits went missing, and UMNO as usual is preoccupying with its coming elections and racial rhetorics. I think, if these politicians can put some cooperative efforts in managing the economy rather than those unproductive politicking, Malaysia will fare far more better than the rest of the world. Whatever it is, I do sincerely hope good sense prevailed in Malaysian politics, and I do hope our Malaysian politicians are not infested with insatiable urges for power, contaminated with the hatreds of racial politics, and the greeds of corrupt practices.

Today is also the 20th day I am taking the Tarceva as supplementary chemo drugs. Honestly speaking, I don't really feel good about the whole affairs of managing the side effects. Firstly, I have to deal with the ulcers in my mouth and on my tongue, it makes consumption of foods and drinks much more uncomfortable than I thought. Secondly, the rashes has spread from my chest area all the way to my head, and I had to deal with the occasional itchiness ! Thirdly, palpitations or irregular heart beats attacked me on almost daily basis giving rise to cold sweating and discomfort at the chest area and dizziness. And as usual, I also have to deal with the daily pains and discomforts at the abdominal area and at my back. At times, I think, the Almighty fella up there do have some perverted sense of sadisms. I can't help but to ask myself this occasional questions – Why me ? Why do I have to go through this unintended punishment ? Perhaps, maybe it is a redemption for all those mistakes I committed in this life and my previous life ! Whatever it is, to make my life easier and simpler, I accept whatever that have been thrown at me, and I will fight this illness like a man, and live life to the best of my abilities.

Like it or not, I have to accept the fact that, dealing with fear, anxiety, and uncertainty during the previous 6 months or so have been the most difficult times of life. But I also realized that, no matter how difficult the circumstances are, I can always count on the blessing that, the Almighty has strengthened my character and fighting spirit, and I am now tougher than the summation of all those difficult circumstances. I had also learned to deal with the good and bad of life. The past 6 months also made me realized who my true friends are, and the love of my family members. I had been extremely lucky to be blessed with good friends and family members who continued to support me along the road of recovery.

I would like to walk out from this battle victoriously, and be a shining beacon to all those who are in the same predicament as me. Is this my purpose of life ?