Monday, November 23, 2009

Moving on.............



Sometimes, I asked myself, what does it take to beat the nasty Cancer ? I had been on this journey of enlightenment for more than a years, spend substantial financial resources, emotional reservation, and physical endurances to fight these nasty mutant cells. Looking back and taking stock of current situation, I am still at where I started. The tumor is still at its originally diagnosed size, and the CA19.9 marker is still out of the normal range. I guess, I am still no where near the victory mark. The only encouraging sign is, the cancer has not metastasized, and I am still standing on my two feet plotting strategy in my attempt to defeat those unwelcome invaders. I guess, the answer I am seeking lies within me.......

It is a very frustrating period for me, and emotionally, at times, I am almost at breaking point. However, I told myself, I had gone thus far, surrendering now is not an option. I will keep fighting till my last “drop of blood”. I honestly do not know how long I can go living with this state of anxieties, fears, and uncertainties. The only thing I can do now is to have faith in the doctors and medical team that attended to my treatment regime.

I have been praying to the Almighty for miracles, but frankly, I do not think the Almighty is capable to heal me. Well, my fellow Christian brothers and sisters may accused me of having lack of faith in the Almighty, but the truth of the matter is, I got to believe in facts not fallacies. So far, this Almighty fella has shown no capability to heal, he failed. It is now up to me to mentally prepare myself to be physically and mentally fit to fight this battle on my own. I must continue to remain strong and positive in my ability to make informed decisions and to keep fighting against all odds. I pray that the Almighty will not let me lose hope in the sacredness of life.

So far all the treatment protocols did not produced the desired result. I am disappointed, but like it or not, I got to move on with life, and manage my expectations from here. To stay positive, I need to move out from this cocoon of trapping myself in fearing failed treatment protocols. I need to have faith in the medical team to keep my cancer at bay and become a survivor to lead a normal active life.

I know, the journey ahead is not going to be any more easier than I first started. I did not bargained to put myself into this precarious situation. Believe me, it is not easy living in fear of the unknowns, but the cruelty of life is such, sometimes, like it or not, when you are at the receiving end, you got to stay even stronger to get out from the mess. For better or for worst, I need to stay calm and rational about every decision I am going to make, and I need to summon all my courage to instill a semblance of bravery into me to journey on.

A the end of the day, I may win, or I may lose this battle along this treacherous journey, but I want to be put on record that, I fought a good fight, and I had made all possible attempts to complete this journey. So, place a yellow ribbon on your desk to cheer me on..........

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I feel that getting better is not done by brute force, through sheer will. A lot of our battles are fought in our minds not outside. By this I mean doubt, worry, fear, despair, anguish, hopelessness, feeling like giving up. It is the internal battlefield that you need to conquer, not what people say. people can say what they want. You must cultivate until you achieve a calm, a silent peace, an internal renouncing and liberation, an unmovable faith. I have been difficult patches in my life, but the Buddhas always guided me out of those bogs. And I trust completely. So not matter what the external storm is like, inside you are like the eye of the storm, unmoving, unfearing and at peace. Do read more about Buddhism, I hope you can achieve that inner peace, if you can, it will sustain and you will not fear where the path leads. The end is good no matter how things go. The Buddha will guide you through. Amitabha.

Reader said...

Lol! and i thought the writer's a Christian?

Anyway, I apologised first to the writer for randomly stepped into your blog if it's not meant for readers like me to come.

Secondly, i do honestly, admire your courage and strength in battling with your cancer. Really. All this while, I have yet to come across meeting cancer fighters and i have the urge of leaving you a comment here after reading your blog because of your spirits!

Like it or not, we will leave to the Almighty (as you call Him) or Buddhas one day, it's just the matter of time and I think what is more important, is have you persevere long enough before it ends? Although it might seems to be a bit early, but will you be satisfied to have live life thus far.

Last but not least, I hope you can win this battle of yours because I do enjoy reading your posts. Take care and hope you get well soon!

Dalai Baru ( CK ) said...

Go ahead and laugh.... ha ha ha..

I am a Christian with Buddhist's philosophy of life. Some of my Christian brothers and sisters are saying that I am not Christian enough to be a Christian. Well, Let it be..

It is merely part of the process of seeking spiritual enlightenment. The Almighty shall decide the course for me...

LOL....