咖啡旅程

咖啡旅程

我現在站在這裡, 思考生命的去向.
我選擇了這條路, 開始了人生旅程.
我慢慢地繼續走, 這不是神秘之旅.
時間慢慢飛過了, 這一條曲折道路.
我辛苦探索命運, 悲傷和快樂握手.
成功與失敗經驗, 我得到不少沮喪.
也得到不少教訓, 我還是熱愛生命.

我選擇了這條路, 慢慢繼續完旅程.
等待美麗夕陽紅, 有景有色有彩虹.
人生如一杯咖啡, 漫長人生旅程中,
我品嚐無限苦酸, 也品嚐無限甜蜜.
就好象一杯咖啡, 它有苦涩的意义,
也有美好的甜蜜. 這漫長人生歲月,
你有体验過什么? 试這杯香甜咖啡,
記住美好的時刻. 留下美好的回忆.

好好享受人生吧 !

Meditation.........

It is a good day today. I woke up this morning with the realization that, my back pains are substantially reduced. I am now left with only my abdominal pains and constipations issues to deal with. I had been on high fiber diet, but it look like constipation is still a major issue for me. With regards to the abdominal pains, my take on this issue is, after months of coping with it, I am more or less getting used to this habitual discomforts. My main concern is more on how to contain the size of the tumor and to prevent it from spreading to other organs.

As I mentioned before, during the past few weeks I was bombarded by a lot of well intended spiritual advise from my Christian friends, so much so that it gave me an impression that these friends are blindingly trying to score brownie point from the Almighty without due regards to my mental health. I doubt these people know what they are talking about ! My feeling is, having faith in the Almighty is a good thing, but blind and illogical faith is dangerous. I will not be that stupid to follow some of those illogical advise to abandon treatment and leave my healing to faith alone. I bet if these people are suffering from chronic diseases, the first thing they would do is to run to the doctor to seek treatments, rather than singing praises to the Lord for his wisdom to test their faith. I am not being sarcastic here, but sometimes, I do wonder, when subject to extreme conditions, would our actions still consistent with our preached word ?

Mentally, I was affected by all these well intended advises. My mind was not at peace and I was mentally disturbed. I need to find a way to restore my mental peace. Perhaps, meditation will do me some good to sooth my troubled mind. I went to the Subang Jaya Buddhist Aassociation yesterday, and met up with the secretary of the association and a resident monk. The purpose of my visit is to enquire information on meditation. The monk gave me a brief introduction of 2 types of meditation – Focus ( loving – kindness ) meditation, and Insight ( Vipasana ) meditation. He also gave me some tips on how to perform focus meditation. He is quite kind to offer me the use the meditation hall facility to practice meditation free of charge.

For a start, I will start the DIY focus meditation at the comfort of my home. At my condition, there is nothing to lose for trying out new thing to improve my mental strength. My objective is, I need to cultivate a strong mental strength, where my mind can control my body to activate healing. If meditation can help to improve my overall situation, then praise be with the Lord.

I am not disillusioned with the mighty power and mercy of the Almighty. The bottom line is, I do personally believe, to win this fight against cancer, not only must I rely on modern medicines, but I must also make sure that I find a way to maintain my mental health in tip top condition to make logical decisions. For the time being, meditation seems like a good option to me !

Looking back, no doubt the past few months have been a very challenging period for me, but somehow, I had been blessed with the strengths and abilities to overcome difficult situations. I guess, at the end of the day, all these experiences will graduate me to become a man of wisdom !

Of treatments and spirituality.........

The previous two weeks or so, I had been affected by severe pains, discomforts, occasional constipations, and my appetite for foods was also affected. To make thing worst, too many spiritual advises also made me emotionally disturbed where I unnecessary lapsed into fear of the unknowns. I realized, when you lived in fear, you live life no longer, and there is no dignity to live a life of fear.

I made a decision not to attend church meetings, cut down visits from visitors, or any meeting that potentially can lasts more than half an hour, because it is very uncomfortable physically to sit through any meeting. My strategy is to have a quiet environment where I can have peace of mind, undisturbed, to contemplate my next course of actions. In the past, I used to received friends who are over jealous with their religious belief, advising me to surrender my faith to God, and the do's and don'ts. I am not disillusion with the power of the Almighty. But I do not think, one can just shout prayers after prayers, and irresponsibly leave our destiny to the Almighty to determine. I am responsible for my body, it is up to me to seek the best medical care to cure my illness.

To fight cancer, there are three fronts I need to explore – Body, Mind, and Spirit. I need to keep my body strong by ensuring my body is nourished with rights foods and exercises. I also need to consult medical experts on the medications and treatment strategies. With regards to Mind, I need to keep my mind free of negative thoughts, stay positive, and instill a will to overcome difficulties. Most important of all, I need to stay calm, not unduly anxious to confront events that unfold around me, just be a passive observer, and let thing happened and let them be. On the spiritual front, I acknowledge the power of the Almighty, having faith in the Almighty will definitely sooth my disturbed mind, but I also believe that the Almighty will only help those who help themselves. I will do all that are within my capabilities to seek treatments, and have a clear mind to make logical decisions. At the end of the day, if the Almighty wants to forsake me, then so be it, it is HIS prerogative. The important thing is, when all options are exhausted, I am accountable to myself, and I know, I have fought a good fight to regain my health, and I lived a life of dignity.

Times and again, I had friends who indirectly hinted to me that, the reason I am not healed yet is because my faith in the Almighty is not strong enough, where I need to surrender my self to the Almighty and forget about medical treatment. Well, it is not end of the road yet, people can make any conclusions they want, but it is my life. My faith in the Almighty is a personal relationship. The God within me is more powerful than the Gods fantasized by all those hypocrites. My illness is a consequent of my weakened immune system and my previous lifestyle, it has nothing to do with the Almighty. I had put myself in this messy medical situation, it is now up to me to resolve these issues logically. If I rely on the mercy of the Almighty and ignore the treatment options, at the end of the day, if I am not healed, can I blame the Almighty for false hope and promises ?

Life is tought and full of obstacles, but come to think of it, without all those bitter experiences, would we able to taste the sweetness of life ? It is through the difficult patches of life that we gained wisdom to live a meaningful life of no regrets. I count my blessing that I have a wonderful family and good friends who supported me during these difficult period. I also count my blessing that I still have an alert and sound mind to make logical decision.

Praise the Lord....

Once upon a time....

No posting tonight, I am meditating... OMMMmmmmmmm......ZZZz........

We Wear the Mask

We Wear the Mask
By Paul Laurence Dunbar

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,--
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be overwise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

A wonderful playground....

In the past nine months or so, the experiences I went throught dealing with cancer has been an unbelievable endurance journey, a journey through my mind. I honestly do not know, how long this journey is going to last, but the unpredictability makes life challengingly more interesting. I did went through all sorts of ups and downs, more downs than ups. To sound a bit perverted, the experiences gained actually enriched me, made me wiser, and gave me certain semblance of wisdom.

In the process of seeking recovery of my health, I was also constantly being reminded by my well intended friends that, I should not rely on the doctors and modern medicines for cure, because ultimately healing comes from the Almighty. I have no problem seeking divine help for spiritual guidance to support my decisions. But to ignore treament from doctors and modern medicine is an illogical act of commiting harakiri. In this regards, I choose to ignore their advises because the words said that “Put not your trust in princes, nor in the son of man, in whom there is no help. His breath goeth forth, he returneth to his earth; in that very day his thoughts perish.” (Psalm 146:3-4) I will decide on my next course of actions based on consultations with the good doctors, and do what I felt is best for myself. I believed, the Almighty will reveal to me as and when he see fit at a time of his choosing.

Occasionally, I indulged in the negative thoughts of fears, anxieties, and uncertainty, but, I also snapped out of it to pump my adrenalin with positive actions such as staying physically strong to fight the illness, and seeking solace in spiritually to boast my confidence and my mental strengths. I believe, to be healed, I need to work closely with my doctors, have faith in my built-in ability to trigger spontaneous healing, and faith in the Almighty to guide me and give me wisdom to decide my next course of action.

I used to say that, the mind is a very dangerous playground. But I realized, this is a very negative statement. Anything that relates to negativities is not conducive to my health and overall well being. So, I should rephrase that statement as “the mind is a wonderful playground” ! I believed, the whole process of seeking recovery of my health is actually a mind game, in a virtual playground, where I dictate the direction, intensity, and motive of the games. In my case, I know my body better than the doctor, and I also know, my mind control the actions and responses of every cells in my body. Theoretically speaking, I know the terrain of the playground and the luxury to set the rules of the game in this virtual playground. Therefore, I should be able to fight and win against cancer if I put mind into it. Who knows, at the end of the game, I may even shout in jubilations and reminiscing the process, and pat my back that, it is a game well played and well won.

For the time being, I need to stay fit with regular exercise, eat healthily, stay logical, and be mindful of my state of mental well being. The game had begun, like it or not, it is a marathon game of endurace. Rather than complaining about the pains and discomforts, I might as well count my blessing that I was given this unique opportunity to fight for my life, and enjoy the process of gaining the experiences and wisdoms from the extremities of this playground. If I win, I know I will, and I shall win with honours and prides.

Looking forward again.....

I woke up this morning with the usual pain and discomfort. I just don't know, although I did have good sleep yesterday night, but I still feel very tired , restless, and moody. I did not even bother to pick up or enquire from the hospital the new blood test result. I acknowledge that, after all, the technicians at the hospital are only human, and humans do make mistakes once in a while. My health condition dictates that, I should not stress myself unnecessary for minor issues. It is best that I move forward with my treatment regime.

I was very reluctant, but at the insistence of my wife, I went to a private diagnostic lab this morning to have a new blood test again. The technician at the private lab had difficulty to obtain blood sample from my arm. First, they poked the needle into my right arm but was not successful to draw the blood into the syringe, then they discarded the needle. Another new needle was then used to jab into my left arm, after much difficulty, they managed to obtain the needed quantity of blood for the test. The technician claimed that it is quite difficult to locate the veins and my blood was too thick. I think, after all those intravenous drip of chemo drugs, anesthetics, and blood tests, I am beginning to develop some minor form of thrombosis. I am not having a phobia for needles, but am beginning to get very fed-up of having needle poking into my arm for all the unwelcome reasons.

Looking back and projecting forward, I became increasingly impatient and worry about my treatment progress. It is frustrating to endure all these pains and discomforts with no predictable end in sight. I was told, if the football team is not on a winning streak, then the team coach should be changed. Likewise, if I am not satisfy with my treatment progress, perhaps, I should seriously look into seeking treatment from another Oncologist. In addition, my wife was advised by her friends, and has been nagging me to change doctor. I know, their intentions are good, but it indirectly also created unnecessary pressure on me to make another major decision soon. It is indeed very stressful to be sicked ! I think I will just ignore all these well intended advises, and make my decision at a time of my own choosing.

With the preoccupation with the treatment protocols, the side effects, the pains, and discomforts, I asked myself, Am I living life no more ? I just want to have a quality existence and live life to the fullest. Where can I find peace and have peace of mind ? A friend of mind suggested that I seek abode at a Buddhist temple and practice meditation there. It is not such a bad idea at all. Maybe I should consider this option seriously.

Well, life is tough ! Perhaps tomorrow will be better........... Praise the Lord ?

It's been a rough day..........

I went to my scheduled appointment at the hospital today at around 8:00AM. As usual, I need to go to the diagnostic lab to have my blood sample taken for test. Today seemed to be a bit unusual, after three hours of waiting, the lab test result is still not out yet, and I was informed by the lab technician that they have to restart the machine to conduct the test again. And when the lab report was out finally, I got a shock to read that the cancer marker went up by 40% compared to the previous lab result which was obtained from Aenon about 10 days ago. I consulted the lab technician, she agreed that there might be a mistake in the lab analysis, and asked me to wait for another hour or so for them to do the analysis again.

I have no problem waiting for another hour for them to re-analyze the blood sample. My concern is, if the hospital lab technician have no confident in the first lab report, I doubt they can come out with an accurate analysis on the same machine. I honestly believe that, the hospital diagnostic equipment for the blood analysis is outdated, not functioning properly, and seriously need re-calibration. There is no point for m to wait for another hour or so to obtain a lab report that could be positively wrong or positively right. I decided not to wait for new analysis report and proceed to my appointment with the doctor.

The doctor concluded that the new lab result is out of norm, and agreed that I should do my blood test at outside independent lab in the future. The doctor suggested to maintain the existing treatment strategy for another month, and decide the next course of action after completion of the 30 days treatment regime. I have no problem with the continuation of this treatment strategy. In the absent of accurate data, the best option for me is to maintain status and hope for the best.

I also consulted the doctor on my increasing lack of appetite, the doctor suggested and prescribed Magase, a female hormone, which he believed can help me to improve my appetite. Female hormone ? I do hope, I don't end developing the side effects of having bigger breasts and developing funny voice !

Today seemed like a longer usual period for me to stay in the hospital, partly due to the delay of blood test at the lab. I am a bit dissapointed with the blood test result and it does caused me a lot of anxieties. After so many months of dealing with treatment issues, I guess one more surprise is not going dent my determination to get wel soon. I had dig trenches, if it is going to be a long and winding road ahead, then so be it. I will just take it in my stride and fight on. By the time, I reach home, it is almost 2:00PM in the afternoon and I am so worn out and tired. I dozed off to a much need sleep and woke out at 6:30PM in the evening ! It looks like I am going to have problem sleeping tonight again.....

I am very tired. . But, I must move on stay focus in my fight to regain my health.

Live worthily..........

The past one week has been a very challenging period for me. I am also beginning to notice the physiological changes within me. In addition to the increase frequency of discomforts in my abdominal area and back, I am also easily absent minded to the extended of having difficulty remembering my previous actions, my skin, especially at the facial area is growing sensitive, thin, and easily scratched, and the most irritating part is, I am easily lapsed into mood swings. These cancer cells are nasty and trying all sort of maneuvers to demotivating me. Never in my life I was compelled to endure these challenges for such a long time ! Well, they picked the wrong target, I will do all that are necessary to exterminate and flush out all those unwanted mutant cells in my body.

Those targeted drugs must have wrecked havoc in my body, or am I slowly losing my sanity and logical ability to control my state of being ? It is frustrating of not being able to assert greater control on my mind and body. I know, being what I am, I will find a way to counter and take control of the situation. The only option when dealing with the matter of survival is to fight and keep on fighting to WIN. I know I am made of flesh and blood, but the fusion of flesh and blood in my body will give me the steely determination to reclaim my territorial rights over my mind and body.

Frankly speaking, although my cancer marker's indicator is on the decreasing trend, but I do not know whether I am getting better or slowly losing my fight against this cancer thingy. At times, the continuing discomforts is slowly breaking my determination to shoulder on. I do have my occasional fears of losing my ability to fight like a real fighter, and sometimes, these fears do lapsed me into a momentary dark tunnel, hoping for lights at the other end to guide me out. But when a light finally appeared from the other end, my mind lapsed into fear again, because I feared the light at the other end could be from an coming train. There has been too many surprises and false hopes, far too many than I can cope to deal with the management of my treatments. How do I look forward to the future when the present is at doubt ? I had learned, no matter what I do, there are always times where I do not have control of future events. Between fight and flight, I will never surrendered myself to fear. I would rather sail through the storms, let the future events unfold to surprise me and be surprised with my adaptive resourcefulness. Through the grace of the Almighty, I have gained enough experiences that gave me the wisdoms to neutralize negative situation and emerged stronger.

I realized, my appetite is getting from bad to worst, I am having troubles trying to consume solid foods. I do not know whether this is a normal side effect of the drugs, or maybe it is a psychological resistant. Every time I tried to chew the foods, everything does taste like saw dusts. The more I tried to chew, the more the frustrations grow within me, because it is just too difficult to swallow the food. But the most beautiful thing is, the Almighty had given me the strength to modify my eating behavior, and I am slowly beginning to adapt with alternative eating habit to stay healthy and alive ! If those cancer cells thought that they can squeeze me into malnutritions, definitely they are in for a big surprise. I had learned to handle my fears, anxieties, and frustrations, I will find a way to stay healthy to improve my immune system to activate my spontaneous healing capability to counter attacks the cancer cells into extinctions. As long as I still hold the last breath, to throw in the tower now is not part of my game plan.

I must admit, sometimes, I do have fears dealing with uncertainties. But as a man, it is my responsibility to act brave, and pretend to be brave, because others may not tell the difference ! The important thing is, let not our negative emotion affects the emotional wellbeings of our loved ones.

For a kite to soar high, it must fly against the strong winds ! The Almighty had given me this opportunity to sail through these difficult patches of life, and I know, it will make me stronger and wiser. I know, the odds are against me, but my purpose is not to quit. Like a kite, I shall soared higher against the turbulent winds !

I love this life, and I shall Live Worthily !!!!

My Perak.....

Of prayers and healing...........

Of late, my hand phone and mailbox has been bombarded with a lot of “words of God” from well intended people. It has been indeed becoming very stressful to read all those SMSes and emails. To stay focus to my treatment strategies and keep my stress level to the minimum, I unsubscribed from all the egroups, set my hand phone to silent mood which naturally resulted in a lot of missed calls, and automatically delete all incoming SMSes. To a certain extend, this action helped me to attain certain level of peace of mind for the time being.

While I am battling my survival and dealing with the treatment issues, on almost daily basis, I was advised to have more faith in the almighty, and to conduct aggressive prayers to claim the healing verses of the scripture. I was even told that, the doctor can only treat signs and symptoms, but the ultimate healing comes from the Almighty. I believed, I am still a logical man. As much as I recognized the need to have greater faith in the Almighty, I must also acknowledge the fact that, healing comes from within, and modern medicines play a vital role in our struggle to recover from chronic illnesses.

Let me put it this way, I was and am sicked, is probably due to my weakened immune system. So the natural and logical action for me to pursue, is to consult and seek treatment from a qualified medical practitioners. Of course, offering prayers to the Almighty to seek divine intervention is another spiritual approach. But I failed to understand the need to conduct daily prayers. I have faith that the Almighty is a all knowing merciful God, and definitely he is not an absent minded God ! Times and repeatedly I was being reminded by well intended friends that because I did not offer prayer unceasingly on daily basis, I would be viewed as not having strong faith in the Almighty ! Well, if that is the narrow minded interpretation of how one perceived my relationship with, and my faith in the Almighty, then Amen, and so be it.

Believe it or not, it takes so much more faith and strength to recognized the fact that, healthy people can go around praising the Lord for their good health, and sicked people have to accept the fact that they have to continue to suffer in silent while the Almighty is testing their faiths. Forgive me, my heavenly father, I think this concept of spiritual relationship do at times sound very perverted to me. Nevertheless, as a God fearing person, I accept the fact that my sickness is a form of punishment the Almighty meted out to me for my previous sins. My life is created by the Almighty, it is his prerogative to take this life as and when he see fit. In the mean time, while waiting for the passage to paradise, it is my duty to have a sound mind to continue to seek treatments from the doctors, and live life as logical as possible.

Come to think of it, over the previous few months, I had been bombarded with a lot of spiritual advises to seek healing from the Almighty. At times, it is very stressful for me to reconcile this spiritual needs with modern medicines. One thing for sure, and I do know, to improve my chances of recovery, I must eliminate all possible sources of stress. So, for the time being, possibly over the next few month, I will adopt a secular lifestyle, and imposed self “exile” from spirituality. So, no more attending churches for the time being.

Of course, I am still faithful to the merciful Almighty. I will still pray to the Almighty in the privacy of my home and communicate to him as and when the needs arose. I don't think I need to be a hypocrite to showcase loud prayers or worships to the whole world. I believed, my heavenly father prefers to listen to me in the privacy of my own home.

Oh Almighty, forgive me if I sin, I am, after all, a logical man trying to be a spiritual man in a secular world.

明天會更好. Praise the Lord.......

The week that was.....

I checked out from Aenon Health Farm on Thursday morning. Overall, the past five days at Aenon has been an enjoying and relaxing experience. I did acquired a little bit more knowledge about becoming a vegan, how to prepare simple vegetarian dishes, nutritional values of fruits and vegetables, and some basic life style adjustments. Unbelievable !!! this carnivorous is on the verge of becoming a vegetarian. Do I look forward to plant based diet ? Why not ?

At the centre, one of the volunteer commented that I look positive and cheerful as a cancer patient. I don't know, maybe I am getting used to managing my health issues for the past few months. On a practical note, what choice do I have in dealing with this dreaded health issue ? Instead of self pity and living in fear, I might as well find means and ways to motivate myself to live life as it is, and happily. However, deep within me, I do have this occasional fights within me, trying to balance my daily fears and anxieties of the illness against the reality of my situation, and the need to be strong for myself and my family. Overall, I thank the Almighty for giving me the wisdom and grace to shoulder this emotional uncertainties. I accepted the fact that I am sick, but I will not give up my fight against this chronic illness. As much as I surrendered my life to the Almighty to dictate, I will also do all that within my capabilities to sustain my fight till my last breath. I know, with determination, I shall overcome, and I will recover from this unwelcome illness. I will not allow fears and uncertainties to hold me back to live life to the fullest.

At home on Friday, I had a rather relaxing time. Throughout the day, I was a little bit dozy and lazy, probably due to the relaxing pace of life during the previous few days. I was also quite happy to see my son's girlfriend, who came back for holiday from Indonesia.

On Saturday, I was attacked with another bout of severe pain at abdominal and back area. Although, my cancer marker is on a decreasing trend, but I do noticed, the bouts of pains are becoming quite frequent. I do hope my situation is not turning toward the worst. Being positive, I would like to treat these bouts of attack as healing crisis. And hopefully, the attacks tapper off eventually. My son and his girlfriend also accompany me to a medical supplies shop to buy an Infra Red Light Device to be used at home to relief my pain. So far, the penetrating warmness generated by the infrared light device does help to contain my pain to a certain extent.

Towards Sunday evening, the pain at the back subsided and the pain at the abdominal area became more manageable. I do hope I can have a good night sleep tonight ! It is rather irritating and uncomfortable to have disturbed sleeps caused by the random attack of pains over the previous few nights.

明天會更好. Praise the Lord. Good NiteZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......