Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Looking forward again.....

I woke up this morning with the usual pain and discomfort. I just don't know, although I did have good sleep yesterday night, but I still feel very tired , restless, and moody. I did not even bother to pick up or enquire from the hospital the new blood test result. I acknowledge that, after all, the technicians at the hospital are only human, and humans do make mistakes once in a while. My health condition dictates that, I should not stress myself unnecessary for minor issues. It is best that I move forward with my treatment regime.

I was very reluctant, but at the insistence of my wife, I went to a private diagnostic lab this morning to have a new blood test again. The technician at the private lab had difficulty to obtain blood sample from my arm. First, they poked the needle into my right arm but was not successful to draw the blood into the syringe, then they discarded the needle. Another new needle was then used to jab into my left arm, after much difficulty, they managed to obtain the needed quantity of blood for the test. The technician claimed that it is quite difficult to locate the veins and my blood was too thick. I think, after all those intravenous drip of chemo drugs, anesthetics, and blood tests, I am beginning to develop some minor form of thrombosis. I am not having a phobia for needles, but am beginning to get very fed-up of having needle poking into my arm for all the unwelcome reasons.

Looking back and projecting forward, I became increasingly impatient and worry about my treatment progress. It is frustrating to endure all these pains and discomforts with no predictable end in sight. I was told, if the football team is not on a winning streak, then the team coach should be changed. Likewise, if I am not satisfy with my treatment progress, perhaps, I should seriously look into seeking treatment from another Oncologist. In addition, my wife was advised by her friends, and has been nagging me to change doctor. I know, their intentions are good, but it indirectly also created unnecessary pressure on me to make another major decision soon. It is indeed very stressful to be sicked ! I think I will just ignore all these well intended advises, and make my decision at a time of my own choosing.

With the preoccupation with the treatment protocols, the side effects, the pains, and discomforts, I asked myself, Am I living life no more ? I just want to have a quality existence and live life to the fullest. Where can I find peace and have peace of mind ? A friend of mind suggested that I seek abode at a Buddhist temple and practice meditation there. It is not such a bad idea at all. Maybe I should consider this option seriously.

Well, life is tough ! Perhaps tomorrow will be better........... Praise the Lord ?


Anonymous said...

Quality of life is not found beyond you. Seek from within, and stop being in conflict with your self-being, and you shall find peace.

You have some abnormal cells growing within, as a result of being in conflict with yourself. To rid yourself of this pest is not easy but it is doable, inspite of all the modern medication offers you, as long as you cannot find peace from within, this pest will continue to flourish, and when your spirit wane, the pest will win the war.

Life can be long, but it is meaningless when one is not happy, when one is forever struggle against oneself.

Life can be short, but every second weighs in gold if you cherish those seconds spent.

You may have worries and sleepless nights for what the pest wrougth on you, yet, you also know you have the choice how to respond to it. Frankly, from what you wrote, your choice are not too great.

Your environment is stressing you, the people around you are stressing you, and most of all, you are stressing yourself, so why not for a change, make the choice of not being stressed up ? Yes, this is a parameter you can control, because it is YOUR choice.

Go and sweat it out, tired yourself, sun yourself, change your diet; a diet that is friendly to you but hostile to the pest, set a target, a motive to live on beyond the time line given, and most of all smile to yourself and the people around you.

Cancers wouldn't kill you first, most of the time it is your attitude that kills you even before cancers can get a chance.

You may think your life is going to be short, but when you read headline news, many healthy life got nicked off, within seconds along the expressways, theirs are even shorter !

So, make that choice, as only you can choose for yourself.

Karen said...

Don't give up on HIM, brother

John 14:6 Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

We just have to be patient as it is by HIS timing and never ours. Stay strong and faithful.. Take care.. just don't give up!

Anonymous said...

U should be optimistic bout life, life is fill with miracles...which u'll never know..it could happen to you too.always look at the brighter sight..since the future is always a mystery, why want to choose negative instead of positive..a book i once read says if you keep thinking positive, it will happen to you..by thinking positively, it make our life happier too..Stay strong and don't give up!!! =)