Friday, May 08, 2009

Live worthily..........

The past one week has been a very challenging period for me. I am also beginning to notice the physiological changes within me. In addition to the increase frequency of discomforts in my abdominal area and back, I am also easily absent minded to the extended of having difficulty remembering my previous actions, my skin, especially at the facial area is growing sensitive, thin, and easily scratched, and the most irritating part is, I am easily lapsed into mood swings. These cancer cells are nasty and trying all sort of maneuvers to demotivating me. Never in my life I was compelled to endure these challenges for such a long time ! Well, they picked the wrong target, I will do all that are necessary to exterminate and flush out all those unwanted mutant cells in my body.

Those targeted drugs must have wrecked havoc in my body, or am I slowly losing my sanity and logical ability to control my state of being ? It is frustrating of not being able to assert greater control on my mind and body. I know, being what I am, I will find a way to counter and take control of the situation. The only option when dealing with the matter of survival is to fight and keep on fighting to WIN. I know I am made of flesh and blood, but the fusion of flesh and blood in my body will give me the steely determination to reclaim my territorial rights over my mind and body.

Frankly speaking, although my cancer marker's indicator is on the decreasing trend, but I do not know whether I am getting better or slowly losing my fight against this cancer thingy. At times, the continuing discomforts is slowly breaking my determination to shoulder on. I do have my occasional fears of losing my ability to fight like a real fighter, and sometimes, these fears do lapsed me into a momentary dark tunnel, hoping for lights at the other end to guide me out. But when a light finally appeared from the other end, my mind lapsed into fear again, because I feared the light at the other end could be from an coming train. There has been too many surprises and false hopes, far too many than I can cope to deal with the management of my treatments. How do I look forward to the future when the present is at doubt ? I had learned, no matter what I do, there are always times where I do not have control of future events. Between fight and flight, I will never surrendered myself to fear. I would rather sail through the storms, let the future events unfold to surprise me and be surprised with my adaptive resourcefulness. Through the grace of the Almighty, I have gained enough experiences that gave me the wisdoms to neutralize negative situation and emerged stronger.

I realized, my appetite is getting from bad to worst, I am having troubles trying to consume solid foods. I do not know whether this is a normal side effect of the drugs, or maybe it is a psychological resistant. Every time I tried to chew the foods, everything does taste like saw dusts. The more I tried to chew, the more the frustrations grow within me, because it is just too difficult to swallow the food. But the most beautiful thing is, the Almighty had given me the strength to modify my eating behavior, and I am slowly beginning to adapt with alternative eating habit to stay healthy and alive ! If those cancer cells thought that they can squeeze me into malnutritions, definitely they are in for a big surprise. I had learned to handle my fears, anxieties, and frustrations, I will find a way to stay healthy to improve my immune system to activate my spontaneous healing capability to counter attacks the cancer cells into extinctions. As long as I still hold the last breath, to throw in the tower now is not part of my game plan.

I must admit, sometimes, I do have fears dealing with uncertainties. But as a man, it is my responsibility to act brave, and pretend to be brave, because others may not tell the difference ! The important thing is, let not our negative emotion affects the emotional wellbeings of our loved ones.

For a kite to soar high, it must fly against the strong winds ! The Almighty had given me this opportunity to sail through these difficult patches of life, and I know, it will make me stronger and wiser. I know, the odds are against me, but my purpose is not to quit. Like a kite, I shall soared higher against the turbulent winds !

I love this life, and I shall Live Worthily !!!!

No comments: