Consequences of Drinking & driving

I received this in my email today......

This young lady was recently on Oprah and what a loving, forgiving young woman she is ! An amazing story of what she has suffered and will bear the rest of her life. Please share this with your friends and especially to those who insists on their self glorified rights to drink and be intoxicated.

This is Jacqueline Saburido on September 19, 1999

This is she and her Father, 1998.

This is she on Vacation in Venezuela

Her Birthday party as a child.

At a party with friends.

The car in which Jacqueline traveled. She was hit by another car that was driven by a 17-year old male student on his way home after drinking a couple of hard packs with his friends.

This was in December 1999.

Jacqueline was caught in the burning car and her body was heavily burnt during around 45 seconds. After the accident Jacqueline has needed over 40 operations.

Getting Tretments

With her Father, 2000

Getting treatments

Now 20 years old, he cannot forgive himself for driving drunk on that night three years ago. He's aware of devastating Jacqueline Saburidos life.

風雨旅程

在這個漫長而折的道路,

我彎曲我的背行這旅程,

人生總是充滿酸甜苦辣.

生活為什麼如此多負擔?

旅程為什麼如此多行李?

為什麼疾病總是困擾我?

太多無必要的生活目標,

太多令人心煩意亂考驗.

人生旅程就是如此挑剔?

我真的很累和無助痛苦.

我只欲望 有健康的身體.

我期待美滿幸福的家庭.

我只想好好的愛一個人.

我只是想好好的活下去.

難道我的要求太過份嗎?

A Kugan

They claimed you are a criminal
They claimed you confessed to your crime of stealing cars
They claimed your confession lead them to recovery of some stolen luxury cars
They also claimed because you have liquid in your lung, you died.
Never mind about the abused marks and bruises all over your body,
you are now another statistic in the perceived police brutalities……


They can also claim alot of other nonsenses,
but dead man tell no stories…..
Now I understand HINDRAF’s cries for fairness and justice for the Indian community

May the truth and justice prevails
May God punish those who commit barbaric brutalities on defenseless fellow human beings.

If you are still alive today,
would you be able to trust the police again ?
I bet you will say NEVER, Over My Dead Body!

Brother Kugan,
May God bless your soul,
And may you rest in peace.

Vanity ?

From cradle to grave,
is life a journey gone mad ?
What good is there permitting anxieties to wipe my smile away ?
Would I be immuned to all thees gusts of bittered wind ?
Would the interval be just a gag ?

What good is life sitting lonely at my desk
reminiscing the past,
and wondering what it could had been ?
Times passes me by,
I am not what I used to be,
and can I still be what I want to be ?

This life,
is it possible for me not to be me,
be what I never want to be,
And, still live life as it ought to be ?

Now I see,
of not wanting to be,
between break and take,
between tears and smiles,
between brevity and variety,
life is vanity.

About my hair...

My hair,
did I see them flowing in the air ?
I caught strands of them lying on the chair.
Because of that awful chemotherapy fare,
I am beginning to lose my hair.
My beautiful hair,
would you just stay right up there ?


When the bitter wind blows,
I may no longer have the usual waving hair.
I looked in the mirror,
I now understand why people stare.

With or without the hair,
it is still a long road ahead,
to fight that impossible fight.
I may win, I may lose,
but Should I despair ?
Because who care ?
Because I still have a beautiful hat to wear !

Hey, the way you sing offends my religious sensitivity....

PAS' Federal Territory Youth chief Kamaruzaman Mohamad said inviting the Barbados-born singing sensation to Malaysia was “akin to insulting eastern culture, belittling local artistes, intentionally causing losses to the country’s economy and supporting Israel’s war policy, which is supported by America”. Read further at PAS plans to stop Rihanna concert. Wow, what a mouthful of stupidities, narrow mindedness, intolerances, and lack of respect for freedom of expression and basic human decency.

Well, what else can I say ? Increasingly we are being forced to accept narrow mindedness and intolerances as a way of life. We seemed to have a growing number of people with misplaced righteousness to constantly trying to impose their misguided values and transgressions on others. When they made offensive remarks and gestures, they claimed it is their racial and religious rights ! They complaint about what is offending them, other people opinions that they deemed as insulting to their religions, etc. This world is indeed being slowly populated with shameless grievances and apologies seekers in the name of religion and race.

We have groups of people condemning the white supremacists group, KKK as racist, but I am not surprised to note that, the same groups of idiots felt that it is acceptable to promote racial supremacies of their race as constitution rights and privileges in their own countries ! What a bunch of immoral hypocrites. Alarmingly, we are also having group of religious fanatics who claimed that God will reward them a place in heaven if they murder innocent people who are of different religions ! The amusing thing is, they go around the world claiming that, theirs is a religion of peace ! Peace ? Or could it be PISS mispronounced as PEACE ?

For those misguided religious fanatics who still insist on killing innocent “non believers” as a ticket to heaven, let me put this to you, THERE IS NO PLACES IN HEAVEN FOR PEOPLE WHO COMMIT BARARIC CRIMES. Or rather let me quote you this paragraph in a email which I received recently - “Would you rather have your God, who tells you to kill me in order for you to go to heaven, or my Lord Jesus Christ who tells me to love you because I am going to heaven and He wants you to be there with me?”

By the way, I saw the inauguration of Barack Obama as the 44th President of United States of America. Despite all our MSM's negative portrayal of USA, and the calling by few misguided people with misplaced angers to boycott USA, I still think America is the most righteous nation in the world. America is still the country that respect human rights, democracy, and equality of races. For those shameless Malaysians who still feel that it is righteous for tor them to badmouth or instigate hatreds against America or other countries, my advise is, please look at our own backyard first. Do not judge others because we no longer have any moral standing at all in the first place.

Dong Dong Chiang, dong dong chiang, sin nian tau, sin nian tau, GongXI FarChoy, GongXi Farchoy....... May you all have a blessed Chinese New Year !!!!!

Oil prices slump again……

Despite the OPEC’s attempts to cut output to artificially short circuit the supply, oil prices tumbled to USD33 per barrel…….. I keep my fingers crossed that it will go below USD10 per barrel soon. Not possible ? Remember, in March 1999, oil prices were USD11 per barrel. For far too long, the OPEC countries have been making too much sinful profits.

My gut feeling is, the higher the oil price, the more incidents of terrorist acts committed worldwide. So when the oil price is low, probably there will be no fundings and sponsorships for terrorists to commit crimes against humanity.

God is great, and Praise be with the Lord……..

By the way, why are we still paying more than RM 1 per litre at the petrol station ?

Of faked morality and human indecency.....

When more than 5000 innocent civilians died in the 911 terror attack, I saw a video clip showing thousands of “innocent Palestinian women and teenagers” dancing and shouting in the streets of Gaza celebrating the cruel death of innocent civilians. Do civilized human beings rejoiced at the death of fellow human beings ? No ! Only barbarians do that.

When the IDF of Israel counter attacked HAMAS in Gaza, Should I, as a decent human being show sympathy to all those “self proclaimed innocent civilians” who encourages violences to be inflicted on other people ? God is great when you murdered other innocent people because they are of different faiths ? I pray to the Almighty for all you sinful people to repent and stop breeding hatreds.

I will never forgive all those cowards who willingly allowing their children and women to be used as human shield and to be killed to gain publicity. Stop showing your faked pitiful faces, you can fool some people all the times, all the people some of the times, but not all the people all the times.

Today, one misguided Kutty said, “It's morally correct to boycott American's and Israel's goods...”. The question is, what constitute morality ? Why should I boycott the juicy persimmon from Israel ? Why should I punish the poor innocent farmers of Israel simply because some immoral people dislike them due to differences in religion ? So, my misguided Kutty, please park your faked morality elsewhere. Should I boycott the Mamak restaurants because I don't like all the illogical and unfair statements made by one misguided Kutty ? At least I am cultured enough not to burden innocent people with boycott because of my intolerances of other people's opinions.

Recently, the Dalai Lama said "It is difficult to deal with terrorism through non-violence.", and he also said “ I love President George W Bush” So, are you also going to instigate the rest of the world to boycott all the Buddhists with your politic of hatreds ?

Another idiot recently made a statement that he want to mobilize 5 million school children to demonstrate against Israel. Hello, watch my lips and listen carefully, go ask your own children, and leave my children out of it. I do not wish to see my children being influenced to take side and be indoctrinated with hatreds for which all of us have no comprehensions. I have nothing against Israel and her people.

Well, what else can I say ? Preach love not hate..... Stop instigating violences by taking sides. Let's us not deepen the wounds. Let us not indoctrinate our children with hatreds and let the wounds bleed forever. For a start, why can't we teach our children to love the Jews, the Christians, the Hindus, the Buddhists, etc.... ?

I am sicked and tired of all these street demonstrations, protests, boycott calls, etc by all these indecent people with faked morality. May God give them a pair of fair eyes, and fill their hearts with love and compassion.........

Of life with cancer........

The other day, I was asked by a visitor with questions like “Are you dying of cancer ?”, “How much time are you left with ? “, “How is your preparation to meet with your maker “”, etc., etc., etc..... I am so used to people saying inappropriate things to cancer patients like me because they want to look and sound normal when dealing with such taboo illness such as cancer. Honestly, I do not felt uncomfortable at all with these type of questions, because I am more than normal compared to all those normal person out there.

Surprise, surprise, surprise.... I am going to touch on the subject of cancer again. Not surprise ? No ? Well, at my current state of mind and self imposed lack of productive activities, I do find it de-stressing to talk about cancer and my so called “amazing journey” of “glorifying cancer” !

For a start, why do we always associate cancer with death and sufferings ? Without wanting to disappoint all those pessimists, I am not dying of cancer, but living with cancer. I am not really worry about how much time I am left with, but rather, I am working on how to begin my life with new approach, and enjoy whatever time I am given with. Am I ready to meet my maker ? I know, death does not go away by denying the eventuality, but why do I have to worry about it now ? I will live life one day at a time, and sing praise of the Almighty's love every morning. When it comes to death, nothing really make sense, so why bother with the timing of death now ?

The funny thing about being inflicted with cancer is, because the word, CANCER, is such a scary word. It automatically put you into psychological gear of changes in life. Your life will never be the same again, and you are automatically geared into defensive to attempt to drive your life back into normal again. You began to realize the beauty of an ordinary day you used to grumbled about, and like it or not, you tend to miss everything that you considered normal in the past.

They said, when you are stricken with chronic disease, your life changed. Period. Well, is it an overstatement, or is it an understatement ? You can take it standing up, or sitting down. But look at the humanistic side, how many people can actually accept the news that they are inflicted with terminal illness with positivity ? I do not know about others, but my life did indeed changed ! Whether it changed for the better or worst, the only thing I can say now is, “stay tune....”.

I realized, the physical tumor is real and it is still there, but it doesn't really bother me anymore. I leave this medical problem to the good doctor to worry, I will move on with life, live life as it should be. I don't really know, whether I am now a survivor of cancer, or a cancer patient on the road to recovery. But one thing I do know, the Almighty has given me unparalleled inner strength to deal and cope with the challenges ahead. What ever it is, by faith, the Almighty is my healer, I leave it to the Almighty to decide my fate.

The thing about chronic disease such as cancer is, I had learned, it does not matter how you got it or why you got it. Since you are inflicted with it, you need to accept the fact that you are now one of the statistical figure in the shrine of cancer, you just need to summon whatever strength you have to manage it to ensure that you live a quality life and you are not a burden to others. You know, sometimes, watching my wife provide care to me is by itself a heart wrenching exercise. As a man, you are there to provide selfless comforts to the family, but now end up at the receiving end. There are also nights where pains and fears kept you awake and put you through agonizing hours of trying to sleep, but I also learned, there is this wonderful drug called Arcotia to put you back to your attempt to achieve nirvana of sleep. So, when dealing with cancer, it is all about the management aspects of it, and it is really a subject of mind over matter, if you don't mind, it doesn't really matter. With or without cancer, life does go on...... Honestly, I do realize now, life is really worth living, the future is worth facing, and as a cancer warrior, I shall fight till my last breath........

I know, it is a lonely and challenging road ahead, and there are no foot prints to guide me in my attempt to recover my health. But I am born with a will to survive, I shall fight my fight in that invincible war zone. It is between me and those prasitic mutant cells. My mask is now on, I am now the invincible cancer warrior hunting for those cancerous cells, to search and destroy, and to emerge victorious. .

I have learned to look at fear in the face, and along the road to recovery, I have gained courages and experiences to deal with the uncertainty of life. The whole process of living with cancer is itself a journey of enlightenment! As a cancer patient, I have an obligation to live my life to the fullest, and to fight the menace with all my spiritual and medical arsenal. I also have an obligation to be truthful to myself, live life as it is, and be an inspiration to others to overcome their predicaments. Well, whatever you are doing out there, let take a pause, and smell the roses.... It is a wonderful world out there !


C'est LaVie !!!!

Round 6 : Five Down, One more to go...

It has been five months since I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer ! I am still inching on the slow road to recovery. A slow recovery process, but along the way, I had been enlighten with the experiences of dealing with uncertainty, fear, hope, etc. All these experiences have gave me added wisdom in dealing with the intricacies of life.

Yesterday, My wife and daughter accompanied me to Tung Shin Hospital again to receive my “regular” dosage of chemotherapy. As usual, prior to the chemotherapy, I went through the compulsory blood test to assess whether I am medically fit to proceed with the procedure. The blood test result was within the normal range, my blood pressure is at a healthy level of 130/80, my heart pulse is measured at 67/minute, the physical examination also indicated that there is “no hardening” of tumor at my tummy area.

The chemotherapy session started at 9:30AM and finished at about 1:00pm. This is my fifth chemo, and it took more that 3 and half hours to administer, longer than the usual session that took slightly less than 2 hours to complete. I guess, my body is beginning to reject the cocktails of drug that is being intravenously pumped into my system. Well, any way, I only have one more chemo to go. After which, the good doctor will put me on physical scan (may be PET, MRI, or CT scan) and cancer markers test to determined my progress before we made other adjustment to the treatment regime. Whatever it is, I will play by the ear when the time come to make my decision on the next course of action.

Although the treatment room is cold, eerie cold, but my heart is warm with the presence of the Almighty! I can feel the presence of God with me and I know he said to me “ fear not, I am with thee”. The Almighty assured me of the healing hand of the doctor and nurses who tend to my medical procedures. I praise the Almighty for granting me the emotional, mental, and physical strength to go through all these dreadful and frustrating experiences. All these while, I was never really afraid of the medical procedure, because I know I was never along in facing the challenges – my family was with me, and most important of all, the Almighty was with me. You know, these whole experiences of dealing with cancer is like a journet of enlightenment with the Almighty.

Looking back, both physical and medically, the chemotherapy sessions and the after effects has been a very frustrating and taxing experiences for me. Most of these experiences are dealing with the side effect such as heart burns, gastric reflux, sore throat, mouth ulcers, nausea, fatigue, lost of appetite, neuropathy such as tingling sensation, numbness, and pain in the arm and palm, constipation, and recently hair loss. One just need to have a lot of patient and be very positive dealing and managing these side effects.

The Almighty has been very graceful to me. He made all these side effect manageable for me, and overall, I did exceptionally well in dealing with all these side effects and the uncertainty of issues at hand. However, I do hope the Almighty can grant me further grace by arresting my hair loss. I still want to look handsome with my signature hair.....

At 49 years old, I still have many good years to go. I had fought a good fight so far, but the battle is not won yet. Definitely, it is not the time for me to surrender and rest yet. I shall shoulder on, be a walking miracles, and source of inspiration to others.

Praise the Lord !!!!

A blessed journey ?

It seemed, I had my fair share of “near to death” experiences. Am I really destined to to have the privilege to stare at death at its edge and escape its inevitable. I escaped twice, but now I am back to square one again fighting for my life. Perhaps, the Almighty always has its sense of humor in illustrating the fragility of life.

Well, I could run away from the physical beings such as a robber or murderers. I could also run away from fatal mishaps or accidents by being more careful. But if the enemy is within you, something that grows from your within, something that instigate your cells to mutate to slowly steal the sands from your hourglass, how do you fight the odds ? Will I be lucky again this time around ? I don't know. I leave it to fate and the Almighty to decide my expiry date. If I overstayed my welcome in this humanistic journey, by all means, let the phrase ring out loud and clear - "In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.". I have lived a meaningful life, and I shall have no regret to return to the garden of the Almighty.

Come to think of it, if death is not part of human journey, would we still treat life as precious and valuable ? Would we become the lower species in the animal kingdom where our daily existence is to kill and be kill in our continue saga of survival ? But we are human being. We are, as usual, naively optimistic in our quest to understand the physic of immortality and the geometry of eternity to justify our stupidity in our never ending quest to glorify our existence. Maybe we should go back to basic to live a simpler life and have more faith in the Almighty. Perhaps then, our life will be happier and more meaningful.

While we accept the fact that life is journey where death is a certainty. But, it is the uncertainty of the hour and day of death that frighten and torment us. The mind is a dangerous playground ! Sometimes, I do wonder and do my wanderings in this playground juggling my hopes, despairs, and fears to make sense of my being. Well, what else can I say ? I am, after all, a deluded soul still indulging in mental masturbation to seek enlightenment and a purpose in life.

“Behold the birds of the heaven, that they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; and your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are not ye of much more value then they? “ ( Matthew 6:26) Well, whatever it is, why worry about life and death ? Carp Diem, let's live one day at a time, the rest, the Almighty will take care for us........

Praise the Lord.....

Boycott USA again ?

A small consumer association in Malaysia is spearheading a nationwide boycott of US-made products on Friday. Read Boycott of US brands to begin tomorrow.

The consumer association asked its members to boycott US-made product because they supported the HAMAS while the USA supported Israel. Now, are we also going to boycott Australian and European products because these two continents also openly support the Israelis ? For that matter, even the UN Secretary General blamed the HAMAS for starting the WAR in Gaza. Are we going to boycott the United Nations as well ?

The war is fought in Gaza between Israel and Hamas. But we blamed the American. And, recently, we even have a small group of people demonstrating noisily in front of the American embassy. We are asked to boycott the USA because they supported Israel, but what if the USA also asked her citizens to boycott Malaysian products because we supported the HAMAS ?

I do not wish to be offensive, but my personal view is, the Middle East region ( Israel included) is the most barbaric regions in the world, the inhabitants there are a disgrace to humanity. These people out there seemed to have never ending satiations for violent and bloods. HAMAS seemed to think that it is their rights to launch deadly Qassam rockets into residential areas of Israel, while Israel also think that it is her rights to attack senselessly and disproportionately with no regards for innocent civilians. As far as I am concerned, both parties are equally barbaric, evil, and guilty of crimes against humanity. If we want to condemn, then we should not take side but to condemn both Israel and HAMAS !

Let us not be a hypocrites in taking side to demonstrate and show our support for either Hamas or Israel. Why waste our energy and time to create new enemies for ourself by boycotting the USA ? Aren't the Americans also like some Malaysians ? Simply because some Malaysians supported HAMAS while some Americans supported Israel, we seemed to think that we have the moral authority to condemn another country because their understanding and opinions differ from ours ? Let us all not to be so misguided and blinded to offer support based on our emotional biases and religious preferences. As far as I am concerned, it pains me to see innocent Israelis and Palestinian civilians suffer in this senseless and never ending conflicts.

HAMAS can go to Hell, the Israelis military can go to Hell, and so is the supporters of both HAMAS and Israel. For those who seemed to think that it is righteous to support Hamas or Israel in this conflict, please book a flight ticket to go to the war zones to fight on their behalf. Please stop disturbing the peace in Malaysia with your noisy demonstrations and boycotting activities.

Why do we always blame the USA for the insane conflict in the Middle East ? As a biased supporter of of one of the conflicting parties, do we, Malaysians, still have the moral authority and fairness to throw condemnations and accusations at other countries simply because they choose to side the parties opposed by us ? Well, a noisy group of self professed moral minority does not represent the rest of the majority of Malaysians.

I am posting this journal entry using Blogger ( the server resides in USA ), an Intel powered notebook ( Intel is an American technology ), and Microsoft Office ( Microsoft is also an American company). Many of my close friends work in American companies. I am insured by AIA ( American Insurance company). I also derive my income from American technologies. Now, should I throw away my computer, cancel my insurance policy, and asked my friends to quit their jobs ? Would you also do the same ?

I would like to believe that the administration of the government of Malaysia to a certain extent, are driven by Microsoft software and American computing technologies. For that matter, I also believe that most of the Takalful insurance companies in Malaysia are using American computing technologies and computer software to issue insurance policies, statements, etc. How about also asking them to boycott products from these infidel companies ? I shake my head......

Call me a hypocrite, narrow minded, insensitive, or whatever you want. But in your eagerness to express your righteousness, I do hope you still possess some basic decency to respect differences in opinions and observations. After all, these companies we are asked to boycott are also innocent civilians, don't drag them into the war to complicate the economic well beings of innocent Malaysians. I don't think it is right for me to bite the hand that feed me....

We must realize that, by taking side and show our support to warring parties, we are actually instigating, encouraging, and promoting further violences. For those who still insist on supporting Hamas or Israel, please, pity those innocent civilians for paying the horrible price of wars, and park your bloodied fake righteousness and immorality elsewhere.

Let's pray to the Almighty in the name of the Prince of Peace to stop the wars and sufferings. I do sincerely wish all of us can have the capacity to love and be loved. I do hope we can have the grace not to cultivate hatreds against others based on religious differences. Instead of noisy demonstrations and boycotting activities, I do hope all those self professed righteous people can offer prayers in their places of worships to seek divine intervention to bless the Palestinians and Israelis with hearts fill with love and peace.......

Of alternative treatments on Cancer....

Recently, a friend of mine approached me with enthusiasm that she has found a “proven cure” for cancer. I can sense her sincerity and eagerness to help me overcome my health problem. She was trying to impress upon me that, so and so, and so many other people has been cured by this alternative treatment. On closer examination, the alternative treatment she mentioned was actually the same failed treatment I went through recently. So I asked her specifically who are the people that got cured, and their contact numbers so that I can call them to verify the claims. But she told me, she got the information from the peddler and was not able to provide credible reference of cancer patients. Well, here goes again the missing link for evident verification and all the so called conspiracy theories of effective alternative treatments being hijacked or suppressed by established pharmaceutical companies.

So, I told her that I did tried some alternative treatments few months ago that required intensive oral medications, and my cancer was not cured. In fact, after completion of these alternative treatments, I am actually worst off with my cancer marker shot up substantially. Maybe, it did improved a little bit on my general well being. After all, if you pump your body intensively with high concentration of vitamins, your body tends to respond temporary with some positive result. Maybe, some of these alternative treatments did cured “some elusive cancer patients”, but they DEFINITELY did not cured my cancer !

I advised her not to be so gullible to listen and believe in the claims made by alternative medicine peddlers. After all, some of these alternative medicine peddlers are only interested in selling their over glorified vitamin supplements disguised as cancer cure. It is a cruel world out there, some people are so driven by money that they are willing to claim heaven and earth to deceive desperate cancer patients to make quick sale. I am not saying that all alternative treatments / medications are fake, but I do have my doubt on the so called claims of “so and so got cured” and the extra ordinary and unsubstantiated claims.

When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I was a desperate man seeking a cure for my health predicament. But since then, I learned my mistake of indulging in false promises and hopes. I would like to advise cancer patients to evaluate carefully the claims made by peddlers of alternative treatments. I sincerely believed all the claims made by these peddlers are probably over exaggerated due to their eagerness to profit at the expense of desperate cancer patients. The best cancer treatments are still the evidence based treatments advocated by the Oncologist, Radiotherapists, Surgeon, and train medical doctors. Beyond that, I think we better take the claims made by some peddlers of alternative treatments with few spoons of salts.

To all the cancer patients out there, don't bet your life on unproven alternative cancer treatments, you are taking the unnecessary risk of delaying effective conventional treatments by wasting time on phony treatments disguised as “alternative treatments”. Take it this way, if these alternative treatments are claimed to be proven and effective, how come they are not registered with the FDA and Ministry of Health ?

It is cruel to mislead and sell unproven cancer cure to desperate cancer patients at exorbitant price. But again, this is a modern commercial world, it is no longer immoral for unscrupulous people to make profit at the misery of desperate people. When unscrupulous people did not felt any guilts associated with their actions, how can there be immorality ? Well, it is a brave new world out there. Welcome to the real world.

Well, whatever it is, no harm to also have faith in GOD. God Heals !!!!!!

I shall overcome.......

2008 was indeed an interesting year. I've been to the mountaintop, and I 've also been to the valley. Health wise, it was indeed a roller coaster year for me. But the important thing is, I buckled my safety belt, and survived 2008. What a blessing !!!!

The year 2008 was indeed an enlightening experience for me. I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, went through failed alternative treatments, and currently still on chemotherapy. During the process, I learned to manage the side effects, the mood swings, and the expectations of life.

On the positive side, my Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome was miraculous cured. I am no longer addicted to coffee. I have also quit smoking. My weight is now maintain at 78kg compared to the previous high of 102 kg. In fact with the exception of cancer, I am more healthy than ever. For the rest of 2009, with the right treatment strategies and more faith in God, I believe, I can over come cancer. I know, I will.

I never been happier now than before. Looking back, the previous few months, I spend more quality time with my family than the previous 20 years. Although during the past 6 months, I was inflicted with occasional fears of cancer and the fragility of life, but I do realized, from fear, I derived hope, and it made me stronger physically and mentally.

I do hope the whole chemotherapy regime worked, where the tumor can be substantially reduced in sized, and the reading for cancer marker dropped to normal range. I do want to remove the fear factor from my daily life, and I do want my life to be back to normal. I do want to have the privilege of going back to work, enjoy quality times with my family members, and not be a burden to my wife and children. I really do not want to see my wife and children suffered from my occasional mood swings and their tiring efforts of providing care to me.

Honestly, there are nights where I was troubled by pains and where sleep won't come. No matter how positive and forward looking, I do occasionally stayed awake thinking and fearing about death, about my unfulfilled responsibilities to my wife and children, and how am I going to say goodbyes to my loved one. I do find myself in a difficult position, where the fear of unknown consumed my reasonable judgment. I think, only God understand my predicament. I really do not want to die young and I do not want to lapse into sufferings of pains. I want to try everything to overcome and recover my health. I do not want to live in false hope. I want to beat those nasty mutant cells in my body, and I want to be a survivor.

As a street fighter of circumstances, those fears and sufferings challenged me to bring the best out of me. I know, I will rise to the occasion and beat the odds again.

I am confident that 2009 will be a good year. And, I shall survive 2009 by living one day at a time.

2009, here I come.....