Monday, October 02, 2006

Rantings from within......

So many priorities, and too little times to manage. It is really absurd to even to think of the idea of prioritizing the priorities. The management gurus who advocated the idea of time management probably got the light bulbs lighted at the wrong place. Anyway, that restlessness in dealing with sequential processing of priorities is getting to my nerves. I simply lost my burning desires and passions for multi-tasking parallelism. I am simply not what I used to be ! Is age catching up ? Too much junk foods? Or simply, the environment is just too stressful to get any meaningful work done ? Too many questions but no real answers! I think I am also getting very subverted, deluded, and at the same time spiritually awared of my state of being. I think I am SERIOUSLY in need of a SERIOUS BREAK to BREAK AWAY from this man made INSANITY.

Looking at the mirror, is that reflection really me ? Hey, what happened to you ? Do I still know you ? How come my left is on your right ? Why are you look at me in such a demonic way ? Are you the reflections of my perverted side ? Why the cynical smiles ? I am the good side, you are only the reflection, you are not real ! You want to control me ? Come get me brother ! I am tired, you can be what you want to be. Take this body as the vehicle for all your naughty expressions. I really don't mind. Really. When I want it back, I will let you know.

How nice, if life is not bounded by rules and reciprocal actions. I just want to be irresponsible for the remaining part of my life ! Can I ? For a start, maybe, everybody should learn how to take care of me rather than otherwise. Maybe, I should be given the unlimited vocals to shout out "I don't CAE !" It would be really nice to have the circumstances that everybody owed me a living ! I just wonder..... But come to think of it, this state of being sounds like a tormented man attempting to experiment hedonism. Erotic redemption of craved desires ? Not me, Not me... Go away, you demonic instigator !

But again, if you were to assemble 10 equally attractive and sexually desirable women in front of me, and ask me to have my pick. What will be my choice ? First thing first, put me in this situation, and my pecker will ris e to the occasions! Subsequent questions. Why should I just pick one ? why can't I have it all ? After all, they are all available for the picking. Wouldn't it be nice if I can just start my harlem and experimenting the the techniques of kamasutra for the rest of my life ? Why should I carry on with this fatalistic life journey of responsibilities, moralities, and reciprocities ? Is pleasures seeking less important than the purpose ? God, you are very funny and sadistic. Why you misguided sane man like me to think that pleasures seeking is a cardinal sins ? Why attachment for desires for pleasures are equated with causes for sufferings ?

Or was it that I am approaching my mid-life crisis ? In woman, they called it menopause ( pronounced as Man Old Must Pause). In man, what do they called it, Andropause ? Both words end with the verb, PAUSE. So, take the meaning of the word literally and take a PAUSE in life ? PAUSE ? that would be a sure ticket to Coffin sniffing. Or should I change direction and let the little naughtiness in me to dictate my remaining journey ? God, I really need to take a HIKE to the good doctor office to test my testerone level ? Or am suffering Androgen Deficiency in Aging Man, in Short, ADAM. ( as in Adam and EVE ). Or should I worry about the anxiety of the possibility of testerone deficiencies ?

But I am still young, funny, why should sign a post dated cheque to the doctor now and enriched his future incomes ? Do I really need to go to the doctor to find out whether I have the symptoms of ADAM such as diminished interest in sex, erectile dysfunction, depression and fatigue ? I know for sure my little pecker can still rise to the occasion, and I can still manage it for sexual satiation. So, the good question I need to ask myself is, am I suffering from depression and uncontrollable fatigue ? No. No ? But then again, why am I in this state of unknown fear and anxieties ? Fears ? Because some of the dreams and aspiration of my youth are not likely to be attained ? Anxieties ? Because, I am yet to complete my master project of a life time that guaranteed financial comforts to my loved ones ? Nevermind. I think I already know my temporary state of insanity......

Erotic redemption ? Not a bad idea ! The idea of conformity to standard parameters of morality and righteousness is by itself another form of pervertism and abuse of human rights to inflict self denials of delicious delusions. Maybe, I Should let my deviant side take control of me......, Master Vatsyayana, here I come. Desires shall be the essence of this mortal man. Tonite, I shall be your disciple in your Nibbana of love. Savanaka, Malakka, Traivikrama, Sammukha, svastika, or whatever. I shall take the shots. Me worry not and me care not.

Forgive me God, leave me alone tonite in my erotic aphorism and euphorism. Tomorrow, I shall assume my serious conformity of your sutta. And, life goes on in this demented dualism of body and mind...... or was it body over mind ?

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